Divorce is one of those times when you have to consciously assemble artifacts and experiences that make you feel safer, more sane and more alive. It can be amazing to discover what becomes important, what small detail assumes major significance in the molting stage of your new life.
Here are the contents that filled my divorce care package. What’s in yours? It’s only fair, I showed you mine:)
I have runner’s legs.
That’s not necessarily a good thing.
My hamstrings, hips and IT bands are perpetually tight, pulled taut from a combination of balled muscle and stuck fascia. Not only does it hinder my ability to touch my toes, it also leads to biomechanical issues and pain, especially as I get older.
Prior to this fall and its associated craziness, I was making good progress on my legs. I had committed to 30 minutes or more of yoga daily, with an emphasis on loosening the lower body. I was looser. Freer. My body learned to work together as the binds began to unravel.
And then the move happened.
And yoga didn’t.
So now I have runner’s legs.
And mover’s back.
The tension spread when I wasn’t watching, migrating up from the hips, along the spine to settle between the shoulder blades and around the neck.
It’s all connected. I turn my head to the side and I feel the pull all the way down to my hip.
So back to yoga I go.
Hamstring work has always been a challenge for me. They resist. They struggle. When we engage in a battle of wills, they always win.
The harder I push, the more they grip, the golgi bodies responding out of fear to protect the delicate tendons beneath.
There are tricks in hamstring work, techniques to encourage the muscle to relax and lengthen.
These same tricks work for our minds.
Much like the golgi bodies buried within our muscles send signals to protect the surrounding tissue from overstretching, our minds respond to too much pressure by sending out panic signals that encourage gripping. Holding on to whatever is causing the pain.
Constriction.
Status quo.
We can stay there or we can learn how to outsmart those signals and encourage letting go.
Any effective hamstring work has to start with the breath. When your breath is restricted, tight, your body receives a signal to hold on. To everything. When the breath is full and complete, the body and mind relax and feel safe releasing a bit more with each exhale, trusting that the next inhale will come. Everything is connected. You can soften your hamstrings or calm your mind with nothing more than a few moments of mindful breath.
When I first started doing yoga, I couldn’t find the right balance to use. I would either back off in difficult poses, afraid of facing the pain or I would meet it head on and engage in a game of chicken.
Neither works.
In order to let go of the pain, you have to face it. Acknowledge it. Greet it. But greet it gently. Just like you don’t respond well to a stranger running up to you, your discomfort won’t like a harsh welcome.
It will hide.
Instead, recognize it. Accept that it is there in whatever form it takes today. And then allow it to soften.
My hamstrings and I have a different perception of time. To me, a few seconds in a forward fold is plenty. To my legs, however, that’s just the first note of an entire concert. I’ve had to learn to operate on their schedule in order to see any progress.
Even when that means holding a single pose for 10+ minutes.
It’s amazing what the mind will kick up when I’m holding a pose.
It throws up excuses.
Reasons to hold onto the pain.
The trick is not to listen.
And breathe.
Releasing mental anguish is no different. We want it to be pulled from our lives in one great swoop, a magician drawing a scarf from a hat.
It takes time. Instead of the magician, picture playing Operation, a steady and careful hand patiently removing each offending piece, careful not to trigger the alarms.
It seems crazy that our minds and bodies want to hold on to what is causing us harm.
But they do.
You see, that’s a known pain. It becomes comfortable.
Whereas letting go risks the unknown.
And that is the scary part.
This one hamstrung me this month. I stopped my daily practice and the pain crept back in. It’s subtle, so you don’t notice at first as you acclimate to the ever-increasing amplitude.
Until you do notice.
It’s so easy to think we’re done. Healed. All offending tissues have been softened and all issues resolved. But much as AA teaches that an addict is an addict for life, we are all healers for life.
It’s a daily process to remind ourselves to let go.
That it’s okay to feel suffering and it’s okay to release it.
It’s alright if you forget. Just acknowledge where you are today and breathe.
And begin again.
If you’re anything like me, you find that your life’s to-do list grows longer each year while your available time seems to grow shorter. Perhaps you make the same resolutions each season (lose weight, eat better, stress less… sound familiar?) only to find that you do not have the freedom in your schedule to fulfill them. I know I find that the longer I live, the more I want to accomplish, and yet the responsibilities I carry continue to grow. The following are five strategies that I have used to transform my life that don’t take much time (or money!).
In yoga the other day, the instructor guided us into some complicated pose. I think it was called half-twist Bavarian pretzel with a side of mustard. Or something like that. After we had been twisted and balanced for what seemed like a decade, she said,
“Notice where you are in the pose today. Are you satisfied?”
(No.)
“Are you ever satisfied?”
(No. Damn it, why does she have to go all insightful on me when I am just struggling to not fall over and make a fool of myself?)
I walked out of the class an hour later, legs shaky and my mind still contemplating the question of satisfaction.
Do I have it? Do I even want it?
I know I have moments of satisfaction. That feeling after a good meal or the contentment I had looking at my friends on the picnic blanket last weekend. I experience it when I teach a good lesson and I see lots of “ah ha’s.” I feel it when my book sales go up or when Brock and I seem particularly close. I am satisfied with my performance in the gym when I hit my goals and with my achievement on the trails when I make good time.
So why did I immediately think “no” when the yoga instructor asked if I was ever satisfied?
Because it never lasts. Fulfillment in one moment becomes a lack in the next. The contentment is fleeting, taking over the body with its big sigh and then moving on, leaving a void behind with its big exhale. A need to be fulfilled.
Being satisfied with everything as it is sounds wonderful. One hundred percent permanent acceptance sounds like some wise yogic key to happiness.
But would that really be so great? Like eating one meal and never again feeling hunger. There would be no drive, no growth, no purpose.
To be fully satisfied would be to be completely stagnate.
My answer to the instructor is still “no,” I am never really satisfied. But that’s okay. It means I will always have something to work towards.
Like a full twist Bavarian pretzel with a side of mustard pose:)
I spend a lot of time thinking about habits – the good, the bad, the intentional and the wholly accidental.
In my own life, I have become aware of and am addressing my habits of mind that lead me to anxious thoughts and a propensity to becoming overwhelmed. I have removed some habits (okay, maybe removing is more accurate:) ) and added others (such as my daily meditation practice).
At school, I strive to teach the students the good habits of an academic – preparation, questioning and perseverance. I try to coach them to bring a pencil every day (you have no idea how difficult this is with 8th graders!), complete their homework, ask until they understand and to push harder when the work gets tough.
As a wellness coach, I help my clients establish habits that improve the well-being of their minds and bodies. I assist them in identifying their thinking patterns that underlie their choices and I aid them in becoming more aware of their mindless approach towards health and fitness.
Habits themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply acquired behaviors that are done often and automatically and can be difficult to break. Habits have a purpose; they serve to automate much of the minutiae of life so that our brains are free to attend to novelty. Habits are difficult to break because they often occur below our level of awareness and they are reinforced by the removal of a negative stimulus (ex. relieving anxiety) or the application of a positive stimulus (the taste of that cookie on your tongue).
I spend a lot of time thinking about habits.
But they still have the capacity to surprise me with their tenacity.
My car is approaching its 14th birthday. I had an after market alarm installed within a week of purchase. This alarm came with two identical keypads that, shockingly enough, do not have the staying power of an Acura. Although the car runs fine (knock on wood), the keypads have now both passed on. I suppose I could track down replacements or have another alarm installed, but the car is 14 years old. I really don’t want to put any money in it that is required by the stoic hamsters under the hood.
So, Brock clipped the wires to the alarm. No problem, I thought. I don’t care about the alarm anymore. But I was forgetting something.
Habit.
My doors used to lock automatically after a 30 second delay (mechanics hated this – they used to lock themselves out all the time!). After 14 years, I have become used to this feature. When I exit my car in a safe location (basically home and work), I simply walk away and wait for the car to lock itself.
It doesn’t do that anymore. Now, I have to remember to manually enter a key in the lock and turn. I know, so archaic.
How many times have I remembered since the wires were clipped (sounds like an automotive vasectomy, doesn’t it? 🙂 ) on Saturday? None.
Lisa 0
Habits 5
Damn.
I used to tease my mom about her attempts to remember things and break through habits. She had sticky notes plastered to every available surface as visual reminders. She would place throw pillows right in her morning path to prompt her brain to remember while her body adjusted its path. These were never useful strategies for long. As with anything, she adapted to their presence and their novelty no longer registered.
I used to tease her. But I get it now. I don’t think its so much a loss of memory as we age as the accumulation of habits.
Less is novel.
And more is automatic.
We do as we have done.
Biology uses the term “homeostasis” to describe an organism’s attempt to maintain a state of equilibrium or balance. Our habitual state becomes our equilibrium and we are fighting homeostasis to change those patterns of thought or action.
It’s a difficult battle, but not impossible.
The easiest way to change habits is to piggyback them on other changes. For example, if I had a new car, it would be easier for me to remember that my exit strategy had changed. Or, when my life was in flux from divorce, I could easily add a regular yoga class since it was simply one more change of many.
I’m not suggesting you get divorced just so you can do yoga, however!
So what can you do when you don’t have other change to anchor to?
Start by becoming aware of your habits and their precursors.
Example: I buy a Starbucks on the way to work every day when I drive by a specific location.
Identify the pros and cons of the habit.
Example: Starbucks is yummy and coffee has caffeine, but it is expensive.
Change the circumstances or the precursors.
Example: I drive a new route that does not take me by the Starbucks.
Practice relaxation.
Example: The best part of the coffee was the first sip before I walked into work. Instead, I will take a brief mediation in the car to relax.
Identify the challenging situations.
Example: I am most likely to stop when I have not had enough sleep or I am stressed about the day.
Plan alternatives to the habit.
Example: When I am tired, I will bring an extra mug of coffee from home and I will use yoga and meditation to handle the stress.
Create a challenge.
Example: I will commit to an entire Starbucks-free month.
Just so you know, that is a hypothetical “I” in the above exercise. I love me some Starbucks but I’m too cheap to go there too much! I went through much the same process when I decided to add meditation to my daily life a year ago. Since then, I have been able to create a habit of it; I rarely skip more than a day. It has become part of my homeostasis, my balance. We will always revert. It is impossible to not to fall back on habit, to be completely mindful in every moment. Luckily, we can change what we revert back to by changing those habits and creating a new stasis.
And now, I just need to go through the process with locking my car door. In the meantime, please don’t steal my car. I might have to send Tiger after you!
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 