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Email: lessonsfromendofmarriage@gmail.com
Wellness & Divorce Coaching
http://actionpotentialwellness.com
Email: lisa@actionpotentialwellness.com
Instagram: stilllearning2b
Facebook: Lessons From the End of a Marriage
Twitter: @stilllearning2
Email: lessonsfromendofmarriage@gmail.com
Wellness & Divorce Coaching
http://actionpotentialwellness.com
Email: lisa@actionpotentialwellness.com
I’m off to the theatre (alone) now and then the cinema.
I’m aiming to see both versions of Chariots of Fire in a day.
My head is still spinning from him taking out insurance on the second wife!! I was in a relationship where the fellow was married and denied it- yet I knew it and confronted him. It was ugly. The worst of it was wondering if I ever knew him at all. I tell myself I didn’t. Yet I’m not sure. I can only imagine your feelings of shock and horror when nothing made sense to what you thought you knew. For me that would be the worse part. Sorting fact from fiction then deciding none of it was real to him. I finally get the horrific magnitude of this story. Obviously I’m a slow learner.
I’m glad you found some peace to move forward.
You’re not a slow learner – it’s a crazy story to have to wrap your head around! You’re so right about the fact from fiction. I was with the man for 16 years, since we were teenagers. I will never know if any of that (good) relationship was real. It’s like I was living in a puppet show and thought I was in the real world. What I have settled on is that it was real to me and that has to be good enough. And about the insurance… that’s an area I don’t let my mind go to much. The police all said that I was lucky to make it out alive because normally when they saw these kinds of situations, they culminated in murder-suicides. My husband attempted the latter and I hope he has not tried the former. I never would have imagined that he would be capable of such things, but obviously I never knew him at all.
My best lesson is that, regardless of how horrific my story was, I do not have to let it define me. I’ve been able to use it as a springboard for much positive change. Thanks for your support:)
I saw your show today and I was flipping thru channels and was getting ready to change the channel when I heard you talk about your experience on your marriage and my god I had flashbacks because your experience is almost similar to my experience when my husband walked out on me for another woman and I was crushed, shocked because it came out of nowhere and I didn’t know what to do, where to start and eventually I thought about writing a book on my experience because it would help me express the hurt, pain and humiliation and so much more that I experienced and still experience with him.
Sorry for the flashbacks – those are no fun:( I hope that you are able to get to a point where you can use your experience to nurture your future. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
I saw your story today and I had flashbacks. My story is very, very similar to yours. The differences in our stories are (1) that I found out my husband(?) had an affair with a student of mine from Singapore about a two or three years after she graduated and moved back. In addition to my professorship, we had a business venture that took us to different parts of the USA and abroad. (2) I found out they had a child while he was in ICU after having had a serious stroke. (3) He would not leave and I did not have the heart to kick him out. I was his financial security. (4) He died three years later. I found out after I paid all of the funeral expenses that they had gotten married in Singapore with many of his family members present. They all knew before the stroke and never said a word. (5) I dealt with the guilt and doubt that a Christian burial was the “right” decision (they had had a Muslim marriage).
I often wondered how things would have unfolded had he lived.
I got the question “How could you not have known?” from the people that I finally had the courage to tell. I finally moved from the small town that I lived in for 16 years. I was drawn into a court fight over my house where I had to openly tell this story to an amazed group of strangers. Fortunately there was one familiar face from my parish community in the crowd. I felt that I was the only one who didn’t know. I also felt that no one would believe me since he was such a likeable person. I got to the point where I was searching for evidence and proof that I was telling the truth. I searched through everything! The more I search, the more I uncovered — stack of credit cards with multiple aliases, doctor’s bills and receipts, pictures, etc. — he was not skillful at being discreet.
You could have been angry and bitter for the rest of your life, but thank God you found peace and strength. All the best to you!
It is so crazy-making, isn’t it? I felt like Alice down that rabbit hole wondering what was real and what was not. I am sorry that you had to endure that terrible time and I hope that you have been able to find truth and happiness in your life.
It is strange, but I am grateful for the struggle. I am a better person as a result. I care more about others and focus less on my difficulties. I take the time to listen and am good at it.
Thank you for being courageous enough to tell your story.
Not strange at all! 🙂 I completely agree!
I just found your blog through a Huffington Post article about divorce. I am currently in the process of trying to sort of my own situation with my husband who I have been with since I was 21 and I am now struggling to figure out who I am without him at 35. Your post about the day your marriage ended resonates with me in a way I cannot express. There are moments that I feel so crazy, and feel so alone and almost feel like I was meant to stumble across your blog. I wouldn’t ever wish this on anyone but am slowly beginning to understand that I cannot control anyone’s behavior, only my own and need to find my happiness within myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it means so much to know we are not alone.
Sounds like we have a lot in common! Hopefully, not all of it bad 🙂 I’m glad you found the blog and I hope that it can help you navigate your journey.
So I read your lessons and a list it is. Although #10 confirms that our stories are more alike than what I thought last night.
Sorry to hear that 🙁
No worries. I just found it interesting.
I am just now digesting your story, its impact, its significance. Thank you kindly for following my blog…so much to learn, to embrace. You are but another reminder of what’s right in the world….
Wow. Thank you.
I know the story is overwhelming. I just hope that it has elements that can help others. I think we learn best through stories and I just happened to learn my life lessons through a tale that could be a movie.
I look forward to learning your story as well:)
I am two years out of a PTSD situation and I have never read an article that fit me so exactly. The difference is to replace certain variables.
I reacted with the same kind of anxiety to a time when my son had a sudden illness and we became the misfits in public school when life had
always been so ordinary and yes, successful, before. When I found we were outsiders and every public servant was going to ignore, lie, or
deny I was in shock. When it moved to doctors, lawyers, and court…..trying to get ordinary education for a very sick young teenager….
I felt I couldn’t trust the world as I used to know it.
As I became immediately fearful of every phone call, text, email, conference, school building, and doctor office , I was becoming debilitated.
I had a professional counselor who helped me get my life back. She did tell me I had PTSD but I felt unable to believe that, like it should be
reserved for those who have witnessed something horrific. However, Lisa’s writing is the perfect description. That’s what happened to me.
If you are overwhelmed, get a professional who is the right fit. We went to 8 types of mental health for my son, and none of them were
understanding or useful. We went because we were ordered or assigned. The one I use for myself is a blessing. Lisa’s writing is another step
in healing for me. I understand every word of her article and I know I am stronger, stronger, but not home-free.
That five years…from 8th grade to senior in high school… was the toughest thing I have been through physically.
If my kid had a recognizable and clear illness, people would have rallied around us. But because I got help for myself, my son
is confident and resilient and he is now a freshman in college…and nothing is EASY for him, but he knows more than I used to
about handling life. Knowing there’s hope on the front end, or in the middle, helps people and that is what Lisa is doing.
Glad to hear that you and your son are survivors! I agree that the hopelessness and fear of the future is a large part of PTSD. That,and the feeling of having no control over your life and what may come at you next.
Thank you for your support:)
I have read several of the “situations” that the authors have commented on. I too was in the exact situation Friday, January 18, 1991. Over ten years of marriage went up in smoke, puff. Unfortunately, at the time there was a 26 month old child involved. I know what a zombie feels like fore I felt dead, numb. The good thing is I am married to an exceptionally wonderful woman for nearly 20 years. My current wife picked up this sad, broken spirited man and allowed him the freedom to rebuild his life with her. God as my witness, she loved me when I was unloveable. The bad thing is since the date above, my daughter has seen me only 420 hours. Yes, you read correctly, 420 hours. Her mother taught her to hate me, similarily as people teach racial hate. Yes, that sounds and is sick but years ago the family courts actually encouraged this. ( child stays with one parent and the other parent becomes an occational visitor ) The medical term is called PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome. The method by which the custodial parent systematically teaches the child or children to hate and despise the noncustodial parent. So, as you can readily see, I still am quite in pain due to the lack of total healing. Everyday that arrives with the dawn of the rising sun, I pray my daughter will withdraw from the evil teachings of her mother and seek out the open love of her father. I still live at the same home my daughter was born into, a total of 32 years, same telephone number, same length of time. I have hope that true love will overcome the hate that has been taught to this now adult child. Thank you.
How tragic to have lost a daughter that way. I hope that things will change for you. My dad and I grew distant when my parents divorced. He and I only became close when I went through my divorce. Be open to the possibility.
Your story is terrifying and tragic. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through!
Thanks for stopping by:)
I have to tell you how much encouragement I have found in your blog over the past few months !! That you are the first person to react to the my blog is quite amazing for me ! This is the first time I have put my experience into words. Thank you !!
That’s pretty cool! 🙂
Keep sharing your story!
I Love the reference of” tending your garden” I would like to use it in a blog I am writing if that’s ok.
Sure:). Thanks for checking!
Oh cool. That was fast. Thank You !!!
Sorry this is new to me … Do I put something to say I got the last line from you ?
Don’t mean to be a pest.
You’re fine:)
Thank You.
Read your many posts at several places. Liked it very much. Need your work. I Emailed you and waiting for your positive response. Regards,
Oh my goodness, I felt like I was reading something I had written in my thought notebook when I had been in counseling after my divorce. I have never heard of anyone with a similar story to mine, although mine wasn’t a text, but just a disappearing husband act, who just decided that he no longer wanted to be married to me, and left the country. I had no idea where he went for nearly a week, so I totally understand what you were saying about the digital fear. It has been 6 years and I still am not able to turn the ringer back on my phone. I for the first time in my life was afraid of crowds, because the person that supposedly love me more than anyone hurt me so bad, so why wouldn’t perfect strangers? I still prefer to go to busy places with a friend, but I can do it if I need to. Wow, you are a very strong woman. Thank you for your story.. For 6 years I have felt so strange and so alone, because no one took me seriously about the fears and flashbacks.
Thank you for the WP Follow. This is some story you have. Feel honored to have the opportunity to read what a saavy lady can teach about what I like to call “The Afterlife”. Be well.
The afterlife. I love it:)
Glad of it! Mine began once month ago at 50 Candles. Great to have been “reborn” with experience to start smart from scratch. 🙂
Happy rebirth day:)
Hey Lisa, I’ve been nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award. Now it’s my turn to nominate others, and I would like to nominate you. If you would like to accept this award, here’s a blog about it… (http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com ). More importantly though, thanks for being there almost right from the beginning of my ‘surprise divorce’ sharing your story to make my 365 Day journey just that little bit easier.
Thank you for the honor:)
Love your determination and congratulate you on your success at publishing with Huffington Post. Making money in publishing is a harder nut to crack. If you start running out of things to write about then try searching my blog under dating, marriage, love, parenting, etc. which is something which may be of continuing interest for you. Best wishes. Uldis
Thanks!
Hey, I linked to you in my post today, thanks for your blog.
Divorced Dad 🙂
Thank you for your support:)
Just found this – can’t wait to sit down and read, read, read
Enjoy:) Hope you have a comfortable seat – there’s a lot of material!
Hi…my new website is lovinglife.traci.wordpress.com
I’m sorry; for some reason I cannot remember my own site!
It is lovinglifetraci.wordpress.com
Ignore the previous one.
Please try to follow me and see if it works. I did get 2 of my other followers this week. I must have given the wrong address to other people too;-)
Thanks!
Hi! Wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Three Day Quote Challenge. Someone had nominated me, and it looked like fun🙂
If you visit my blog http://www.mydegreesofseparation.wordpress.com you can view the details – but it’s pretty simple. Just 3 days of quotes, nominating 3 people each day. Happy Fall!
Thank you😊
Lisa, My name is Sean Swaby. I discovered your writing from some of your work republished on Dave C. Scott’s blog. He has written for the Good Men Project, where I am an Editor. Are you interested in republishing some of your posts on the Good Men Project? You retain full authorship and will get credit along with links back to your site. You can email me at smswaby@icloud.com.
I just ordered your book. My 29 year marriage to the lo e of y life, is ending in divorce. He was totally against adu.tery, yet that is exactly what he did to me over a three year period, when I accidentally found out. I knew of course things weren’t right, but trusted him completely. I’m in terrible pain, I have lost 30 pounds, I do t know how to live without him, a d I ha e cried till I ha e made myself I’ll. I’m in therapy, and after reading your blog, I am hoping your book will help. He watched xxx porn, got into chat rooms a d dating sites, e e usually hired prostitutes. Most of the time, I was had more sex than he could give me, be was mad at e for getting a puppy he said I couldn’t have, and tben he went off the deep end. I’m 3 month into grieving . I’ve even seen low enough to think of jumping off a cliff. I would NEVER do that, it I have begun to realize the lying, cheating sneak does not have the right to half kill me. I’m going to try to remember the 25 happy years we had. Hard to go to sleep, all I can do is imagine what all he has done with these women, when we had such beautiful Intimacy. One day I can’t stop crying, the next I think I’m ok. Your story has encouraged me, I can’t wait to read your book. Thank you for sharing your pain with us. Bj herron
Three months is a blink when you’re grieving so much. Be patient with yourself. Flipping between thinking you’re okay and feeling like you’ll never be okay is totally normal. I like your resolve – he does NOT have the right to take the rest of your life. Hold that thought close.
Lisa
My wife and I have been separated since November 2nd. Our 21st wedding anniversary will be this March 28th. We have two 12 years old boys.
She left, said she needed a break. One of our boys has ADHD and ODD and she struggled with him. He physically hit her on a couple occasions.
She said it was a 30 day separation and she was staying with her mother. Turned out she had met a guy online and had been having a relationship with him for about a year . There were others apparently as well.
She left her mothers house after bringing the guy to her house. Her mother was hurt and angry. She even brought him to her sons Christmas play.
She wasn’t present for thanksgiving or Christmas and has had little contact with us. She moved in with the guy, his brother and his brothers girlfriend, 70 miles away. She left everything she owned and quit her job.
She now wants a divorce and says he’s the love of her life. While our marriage wasn’t perfect, there weren’t any serious issues either and I truly love this woman. She is going through menopause and a therapist who met with her believes she is bipolar and has depression as well. Myself and my boys are devastated.
This blog has helped so much. When will I feel better? Hearing others stories and how it was dealt with helps.
I started this because I felt alone and I never wanted anyone to feel the same. I also find it helpful to hear the stories of others and to learn that we’re all in this together. Better will come. Day by day and breath by breath.