You say that you want to move on, putting the divorce behind you and getting on with your life. You claim that you want to feel better, to stop crying and start living. Perhaps you even pronounce that you’re over your ex and that you’re ready to start looking for someone new.
Yet that desired progress isn’t happening.
The life you envision isn’t unfolding and instead, you find yourself stuck. Anchored in the muck and mire of the divorce. Not a member of your old life, yet not yet fully living in your new one.
It’s easy to make excuses for why you can’t seem to move on. You’re angry, and rightfully so, that your life plan turned out to written in disappearing ink. Maybe your ex cheated, stealing your ability to trust along with your imagined future. Perhaps your bank account is anemic and all of your energy has to go to replenishing its stores. You might have endured horrible court battles that wounded you and your children. You may be adjusting to life as a single parent or a sole breadwinner.
But those are all excuses, bindings that keep you lashed to the past. After all, it’s easier to say, “I can’t move on because of (insert favorite excuse here)” rather than shouldering the responsibility of moving on by yourself.
So, here is your metaphorical slap across the face. This is the advice you’ve needed to hear, but your friends and family are too nice to say it. But I’m not your friend. I’m someone who has been there, done that and now makes the T-shirts. I’m okay with making you a little angry if it helps to make you better.
I’m also not going to tell you to “get over it.” I find that phrase insulting and shortsighted, only uttered by people who have never felt a certain depth of pain or who prefer to bury it rather than address it. But even though there are some things you don’t just “get over,” you don’t have to let them hold you back.
If you’re having trouble moving on, you’re probably doing at least one of these things wrong.
Forgiveness
My response to people encouraging me to forgive was one of indignation. How could I be expected to forgive? He deserved all of the wrath I could send his way and then some. How dare someone tell me I should let that go?
But they were right. By refusing to forgive, I wasn’t hurting him. I was hurting me. I was allowing myself to be a prisoner to his actions and allowing them to dictate my feelings. Forgiving him was a gift of peace to myself.
Forgiveness isn’t a pardon. It acknowledges the wrongs and then wraps them in compassion and acceptance. Forgiveness is an inside job, quietly accepting the apology you never received.
Forgiveness is a difficult road. But you’re worth it.
Grasping
When we lose everything, it is human nature to grasp onto whatever remains. And, often in the case of divorce, what is left is the pain. And so we hold onto that pain, claim it. Own it. Defend it. Even feed it.
That pain can become our identity. I remember how I would receive care and kindness when I was hurting, yet would be comparatively ignored when I was not. It’s tempting to stay in pain, to allow others to continuously nurture our wounded hearts.
But is that really what you want? To be the hurt one? The weak one? To be so determined to lay claim to your pain that you do allow anything or anyone else in? Releasing that pain is strangely scary. It’s willingly loosening your grip on your past and trusting that you’ll land safely.
Let go. It’s worth it.
Associations
Do you have triggers that are like a time warp to the past, pulling you back to moments of agony and anxiety? I do. In fact, I would say this has been my greatest challenge — learning to respond from the present and not from the past.
Even though some healing is passive, slowly softening with the passage of time, triggers are often more resistant. They take repeated attention and deliberate action to remediate. Triggers and associations are not inevitable; you can retrain your brain.
It takes work. But you’re worth it.
Replication
One of the most difficult parts of divorce is that at the same time you’re mourning your past and present, you’re also grieving the loss of the future you thought you would have. Maybe you’re lucky and you’re life is relatively untouched. Or, maybe you’re like me and you were left with only the clothes on your back.
Regardless of your situation, it is important to not try to recreate what you had. You’ll fail. My situation was unusual in that I never spent time in a decaying marriage. So, after he left, I stated I wanted to same thing again (well, without the bigamy and hidden life!). Only there were two problems with that. First, I would always be disappointed because no person and no relationship would exactly fill the shoes left behind from the first. Secondly, I was no longer the same person and so my desires and needs had shifted.
Just because something is different, does not mean that it is worse. Rather than fight against change, learn to be grateful for the hidden gifts within.
Just because your future isn’t the one you wanted, doesn’t mean you can’t make it beautiful.
Dream it. And then do it. You’re worth it.
Isolation
This is more of a problem for us introverts, but anyone can fall sway to the call of isolation after divorce. We’re wounded and often ashamed, wanting to hide our vulnerabilities from the rest of the world. Our self-esteem may have taken a blow and further rejection is too scary to risk.
It seems safer to tuck away from prying eyes until the new skin has formed over the exposed rawness. Safer in the short run, perhaps, but deadly in long term. When you isolate yourself, you lose out on the important perspective provided by others. Your social anxieties grow, making future connections even more difficult. And perhaps worst of all, you give up on the support that others can offer.
It’s scary to put yourself out there, to risk being hurt or rejected. But connection with others is what life is all about. You’re too special to hide.
Take the chance on opening up to others. It’s worth it.
Self Care
This is often the biggest struggle for single parents. You may now bear the sole burden of your children’s well-being and so you push your own care to the side. You know that your oxygen mask comes first but no parent can watch his or her child suffer while standing by.
But part of your responsibility as a parent is to teach your children how to take care of themselves. If all they see is you sacrificing yourself for others, they will emulate that in their own relationships. It is okay to be both a parent and a person; they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Furthermore, in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to be the best person you can be. And that means taking care of yourself and your needs. Make your diet, your exercise, your sleep and your social time a priority.
You’re worth it.
You can move on. The bindings holding you back are the excuses kicked up by your own mind. And they only keep you bound if you let them. Moving on doesn’t happen when the calendar cycles to a certain date or when a certain event transpires.
Moving on occurs when you take the responsibility to make it happen.
Just because there are some things you don’t simply “get over,” it doesn’t mean you have to let them hold you back.
Are you struggling to move on? My complete, 12-part coaching course will guide you through and help you find your happy again. Learn more!
i keep trying to like this post but WP won’t let me. 🙁 i can relate, totally. i’m starting to wean myself from caring about what my soon-to-be-ex is doing and with whom. it hasn’t been easy. thanks for this post.
argh! not having success posting a comment here. 🙁 i can relate to this post — all of it. i’m like 18 going on 54, rebuilding my life FOR REAL this time. i’ve been plagued by worrying about what my soon-to-be-ex is up to and finally starting to wean myself from giving a crap what he’s doing and with whom, though it’s a slow process since our separation is long and drawn out. i’m wondering if i’ll have to go through the grieving process again when the divorce is final in a year.
thanks for this post.
WordPress can be finicky sometimes! How exciting- building the life you want! In my experience, grief happened along the way for a few years. I considered it a notice about areas where I was still lacking in my new life. Once I had built that area up, I no longer grieved that particular loss. It’s a process. But one you’re in charge of!
In love with your insights. Thank you so much for following!
And thank you:)
It sounds like you probably did not have any children with your ex. Kids make it much more difficult to move on. Like it or not, your children will be part of both of your lives till the day you die and like it or not you will have to deal with the mother/father of your children till the day you die.
The other thing that can make it extremely difficult to move on is the court system, I’ve been divorced for nearly 2 years, but the courts have not yet split our property or decided our child custody.
I’ve been living in limbo during this period and slowly going broke from legal fees.
Absolutely harder with kids! And the legal process is much more critical as well. I was able to choose not to fight any longer at some point, meaning the loss of money. With kids and custody, that’s not an option. Crossing fingers for you that the courts come through for you and the kids soon.
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t think I can ever forgive her without acknowledgement from her of how badly she hurt me. She’s lied under oath, falsely accused me of child abuse, told me she would “work on our family and marriage” if I dropped my attorney and let her move into the townhouse I purchased for myself after she kicked me out of the family house only to have her try to steal the townhouse from me as well. Called the police on me for no reason seven times to try to establish a false record of abuse, started dating guys while living at my townhouse then after a year of 50/50 child custody she was able to reduce it to me only having them every other weekend, not because I was a bad father but because she wanted more child support. She and I had been together for 14 years, we were both employed and made about the same income, our children went to daycare and we had a live-in German nanny. Now mom lives with a boyfriend for free with my kids and I’m nearly bankrupt and was just diagnosed with a bad heart (cardiomyopathy and afib) due to stress and I’m only 46. The world is certainly not fair and “moving on” is proving to be extremely difficult. As screwed up as it will sound and all the terrible things she’s done to me in the last two years, I still miss her and our family as early on in our relationship she was my best friend and as recently as 2.5 years ago we had an incredible 2 week trip to Florida with the family and had a great time. I’m living proof that you can go from a $250,000 family income to less than $40,000 in 2 years. The courts think I can flip a switch and just go back to my past income. I can’t afford my child support payments and am close to the state taking my drivers license and professional license. Would anyone like to join me on a very long trip to Mexico????
It doesn’t get better just more horrid. Time casts a gray shadow of resignation and defeat .My own husband of 22years never loved me or my children …6 years later I’m 56… the gloom and pain are deeper than ever. No breaking the reality that he never loved me. And I am all alone.. hobbies and haircuts don’t help. I wasted my life, the best years of my life, on a lie. No future. No dreams . No trust because life is a pointless pain-addled ride. You were still young and pretty when your love of your life threw you away, I’m expired goods.
It breaks my heart to read that you think of yourself as expired goods. You have so much to offer – to your children and others. You have lived and loved and learned and now you have the wisdom from all of that, even though it is currently buried beneath the sorrow.
Based on your words, it sounds like you may be experiencing some depression, which is very common after the dissolution of a marriage (and even more so when you realize that you were living a lie). Have you sought any therapy or other help? It’s never too late to start a new chapter.
Sending you hugs,
Lisa
Have hope! I too lived a lie, after providing for our lives and putting her through law school she had several affairs which I was willing to work through. However, when it became clear I wasn’t going to just walk away she finally told me she never wanted to marry me but was afraid she was not able to make it , financially on her own. Now that she had her law degree she felt safe enough to go on her own. She wasted 20 years of my life. It gets better. I used to hate her but now I realize she wasn’t a good human and certainly not worth my effort or time. Once I realized this I was able to heal and practice self care (yep, I make the T-shirts too). Here’s the best part. Letting go of all that anger made me a better co-parent to my kids and actually let me meet a new partner. With the wisdom of the past in hand I have not held back but instead thrown myself whole-heartedly into my new relationship without reserve. Now, four years into my new life (six years post divorce) I am happy, healthy and head over heels in love. Believe me, I understand that anger and pain but please hold onto hope. You never know what is around the corner or who is at the dog park. Don’t let your life go..go get your life !!!
I have a favorite quote I hope will help.
“You don’t drown by falling into the river, you drown because you don’t get out”