Days after my tsunami divorce, my mom turned to me and told me I would survive.
I actually got angry and responded rather strongly, “No, I will not survive. I will thrive. To do anything less is to remain his victim.”
I saw surviving as the bare minimum; the mere intake of breath and food in order to go through the motions of life. I refused to settle for that. I wanted more. It felt insurmountable, yet the vision and hope remained intact.
I know many of you have that same spirit. That same dogged determination to not just exist, but to live loudly and with joyous exuberance. To prove that when life knocks you down, you do not just have to stand up again. You can jump up and dance and sing from the rooftops. That desire to live fully and passionately despite the pains of the past.
And so I introduce to you The Thriver’s Club.
A place to celebrate life after loss.
A place to share our joys and triumphs.
A place to bring hope to those still trying to find their way.
There are no annual dues. No special handshakes. No one is denied entry due to age or gender or religious beliefs.
In order to be a member, all you have to do is share one example of how you have thrived after divorce.
It can small or grand. A sign of truly moving on or as fleeting as a moment where the sun broke through the clouds.
Don’t be shy; smiles are meant to be shared not hidden away.
Welcome to The Thriver’s Club.
I am not yet divorced. Complications preventing that for the time being. However I am moving forward with the help of a great therapist or two, supportive friends and family and desire to be better than ever before. I am studying Buddhism and applying it’s lessons to my healing. I find refuge in many a meetup group, my art and photography. As well as my two new kittens who add a flurry of excitement to my daily life. I am thriving also because of the community of others like you, who truly understand what it’s like to be deeply betrayed by a “loved one.” Life is forever changed. But I refuse to let it crumble me. I will build a wonderful foundation on which to grow a better life for myself. Thank you
I love how you are finding creative outlets to express yourself. What a wonderful way to bring beauty to the world! I have also found so much wisdom in the teachings Buddhism; I love the focus on acceptance. I’m so glad you have the support of others. I’m sure you help them as well.
Thanks for sharing your smiles:) Give those kittens a nuzzle for me!
Thank you for sharing! I am in a similar situation. We are getting divorced yet must still live together for the time being while we get our ducks in a row to separate. So in the meantime, I have not yet filed or started the divorce process because I feel that may destroy the “peace” that we have for the time being. I see that your post was 2 years ago. Hopefully you have now moved on and are doing well. Buddhism has helped me also. Pema Chodren’s book “When Things Fall Apart” has been very helpful in teaching me to be ok with the groundlessness and uncertainty because there is wisdom to be found in this space.
My plan is also to attend many meetup groups and broaden my already pretty broad horizons and meet more people and try new things.
I love that you are doing art & photography. I used to do art & photography before I got married and had a family 15 years ago. I feel like I have lost my creativity over the years but your post is helping to inspire me to find it again. I’m also thinking “maybe the cats should go to my house instead of his ” lol. Hope you are doing well!
Hi happilyeverafter, Thank you for sharing! I am in a similar situation. We are getting divorced yet must still live together for the time being while we get our ducks in a row to separate. So in the meantime, I have not yet filed or started the divorce process because I feel that may destroy the “peace” that we have for the time being. I see that your post was 2 years ago. Hopefully you have now moved on and are doing well. Buddhism has helped me also. Pema Chodren’s book “When Things Fall Apart” has been very helpful in teaching me to be ok with the groundlessness and uncertainty because there is wisdom to be found in this space.
My plan is also to attend many meetup groups and broaden my already pretty broad horizons and meet more people and try new things.
I love that you are doing art & photography. I used to do art & photography before I got married and had a family 15 years ago. I feel like I have lost my creativity over the years but your post is helping to inspire me to find it again. I’m also thinking “maybe the cats should go to my house instead of his ” lol. Hope you are doing well!
Moving past survival and learning to thrive has been a long journey, but I’m with you, survival was a necessity through difficult circumstances. (For myself and many through dangerous circumstances.) Being able to live on the other hand was what I really wanted for myself. My favorite quote is “Everybody dies but not everyone lives.” -Cross the Line by Superchic[k] I want to be someone who lives.
I love that quote! What a great reminder of what it’s all about:)
“Lessons..” I like that, it immediately changed the feeling from victim to survivor, and now this challenge, pushes further to Thriver!
My divorce gave me the opportunity to lose enough so that my dysfunctional rug could be pulled well out of reach.
I was not a happy healthy person for myself, I was not fully present for my children, I was not a fully loving wife, I was not living the best life I could, I was squandering the gift of my life, hidden and afraid to really embrace life and live it. I lacked the courage to truly love.
I am thriving now by learning the very tough lesson of love, real genuine generous enriching and fulfilling love. I’m finding my courage, I’m finding my real self, I am building my faith, and I am cherishing my heart.
Thank you for creating a place of strength, healing and discovery.
Wow. Powerful. You just gave me goosebumps. Literally. It’s amazing how the greatest struggles uncover the greatest riches. It sounds like you are fully embracing it and living genuinely. Makes me smile:)
Thank you, now I’m smiling too 🙂
🙂 I love it when smiles are contagious!
Yes. I am also a thriver and also recognize the tsunami that began two years ago for me. I didn’t realize it would begin the start of a personal development journey for me. One that included – going back to work, learning to be a better parent, living on my own, finding daily joys again, connecting with old and new friends, being present, rediscovering myself, running, losing weight (literally and figuratively), learning to trust and remain open, discovering healing and joy through writing and nature. I’ve learned to find my supports and the things that make me thrive. “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a beautiful butterfly.” – proverb. The journey continues. 🙂
Awesome image with the proverb! And so true, when we look at a single moment, the world can appear to be over yet the bigger picture reveals the beauty yet to come.
I hope you’ve been able to get your nature fix this winter! I know I’ve grabbing every warmish moment outside that I can!
Here’s to happy thriving!
I had to hit rock bottom before leaving my tsunami marriage. From there I have reminded myself I can only look up to get out! I am still married but closer to the day a divorce will be final. I have been on this journey for little over a year. The things that I’ve done to thrive during this time is I allowed myself to grieve, stopped abusing crutches (mine was alcohol), learned to love myself while forgiving him, meditating and exercising regularly. I had to set aside my pride and accept help from family and friends. Without them, without accepting help, I believe I would have stayed at rock bottom longer than I can imagine! Another saying to pass along, “This too, is temporary.” It has become my mantra.
Love your emphasis on the importance of accepting help. It can so difficult to do, but it is so critical. I also like your point of no longer relying on crutches to numb and distract. That is certainty a huge victory! And, thank you for continuing what seems to be a theme of sharing a mantra. And, yes, it is temporary.
Keep climbing!:)
I can’t find the like button. You got it stilllearning2b, it is time to thrive. I like that the club has no dues.
This is one of those things you owe yourself, not someone else:)
Hah! I scrolled and found the “like”. Keep up the positive thinking and doing stilllearning2b.
🙂
It is still so fresh, still so new. I am only just now learning how to actually share the bed with only myself, how to not tear up when a song reminds me or the smell of something pushes me over the edge. This hasn’t stopped me though from telling myself I am worthy of a date with myself, opening the door and taking myself out to things I love and haven’t enjoyed for many years.
Dinner and concert (Leon Russell), it didn’t matter I was alone I was great company.
The Dance Company of Harlem, ballet is one of my first great loves so great seats and again great company.
Finally, I took the step to begin divorce proceedings. This was a terrible step for me, hard and horrifying. I felt a great weight lifting.
I’m proud of you. I know it’s hard. I am so glad to hear of your successes. They’re small in scope yet huge in meaning. Can’t wait to hear of more ways that you’re thriving:)
My story can’t compare to your Tsunami Lisa, it’s more like a Teahupoo wave 😉 : heavy barrel on a shallow sharp coral reef…. you know the waves keep coming and you know someone will get hurt, sooner or later. A lot was wrong for a very long time in a subtle way, before my husband started going behind my back and I know that’s where the “real” problem lies. The “discovery” is fairly recent and I know it will be a long way towards proper healing, however (as you describe in your latest post) “clarity” was a godsend. I filed for divorce on an impulse after months of gaslighting and was completely lost. I have no idea how I got through those first few weeks if not because I just “had to” as I am the sole carer of my 3 little girls. And then I forced myself to get organised, not filling my days up too much but making sure there was always one little thing I looked forward to: a coffee, a chat, the gym, I started running again, I had to force myself to pay attention to my girls as often I would get caught in my own unhealthy thoughts, I’ve been out a few nights. Things are far from being “right” but every morning I wake up with a smile: I kiss my girls good morning (and then proceed to yell at them to hurry ;-)) make myself a cappuccino, and head off for the school run where one particular (single) dad has made me smile almost every day – it’s an innocent flirt but that is much better than the grief I carried inside for the past 1, 2, 3 years – I still haven’t been able to soul search deep enough.
Love the other wave analogy:)
You are so smart to focus on those little victories each day. They are key to surviving the early stages of loss. Embrace those smiles and embrace those girls!
It’s been about two and a half years since my tsunami divorce. I definitely hit some rough patches along the way, but I’m thriving now. I have my own place, support myself, got a new dog, finished another 30 credits beyond my Masters Degree, enrolled in a PhD program, started a new AP course at my school, traveled to France, Prague and the Caribbean and have applied for a grant to travel to Costa Rica and the Galapagos Islands, reconnected with old friends, took up knitting, and have a great boyfriend. Actually, until I listed all of those things now, I didn’t realize how much I’ve accomplished in the two and a half years since my world fell apart. I still have my moments, but there is hope and I am thriving now.
“Actually, until I listed all of those things now, I didn’t realize how much I’ve accomplished in the two and a half years since my world fell apart.”
That was my plan and hope for this page. To realize and then celebrate how far you’ve come:)
I think I need to be a stowaway in your luggage!
Hooray for the Thriver’s Club! Wahoo! I’m actually laughing to myself because I just posted about this topic today: “Why I’m Not Afraid…” (http://wp.me/p4dj0e-8R) How interesting that I should happen upon your blog only moments later! 🙂
I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I hadn’t gone through my own personal hell. Although … I don’t think I can give the divorce all the credit. Staying through 9 years of addiction and 5 years of adultery definitely contributed to my personal growth.
I’ve had mountains to climb, and I’ve scaled them. I’ve been shattered, abused, and betrayed … but I’m here to talk about it. I’ve chosen to make my heavy burdens into a weightlifting exercise, and it’s paying off. And now I’m helping other betrayed women by sharing treasures I’ve found in the midst of all the muck.
My trauma led me to my life’s calling … in a big way. I’ve led anti-porn campaigns on college campuses, trained as a sponsor in a 12-step program, and had articles published all over the web. Right now, I’m admin on a private forum for more than 500 betrayed wives and am working with the National Coalition on Sexual Exploitation on some pretty amazing projects, including a conference coming up in D.C. in May.
Am I grateful for the trauma? I don’t know about that. But I sure am grateful for the personal transformation I’ve experienced in the wake of it. I’ve found I can transform anger into passion for a good cause. It’s a much better use of my energy! 🙂
Wow … I’m re-reading and thinking I sound pretty boastful and arrogant. Not really what I was going for. Haha. Oh, well. Let’s call it ’empowered’ instead, huh? (now exiting soapbox)
Empowered. Absolutely. Reading this made me smile. You’ve turned some compost into some beautiful trees whose growth will shelter and support others. And that’s what it’s all about.
I love your response to being grateful for the wake of the trauma but not necessarily the trauma itself. I completely relate.
Welcome to The Thriver’s Club and thanks for sharing!!
Thank YOU for creating a positive space like this, for being who you are, and for all the work you do. And thanks for challenging us to take the good from all the muck. You rock.
I truly love your blog, your writing, and your honesty. Thank you for being such a wonderful inspiration to those of us who have, and are going through this.
It’s been 3 1/2 years since my “tsunami” divorce. After 29 years of marriage, 2 grown children, you imagine a life of rediscovering the couple you once were. Though I am focusing my energy on positive things (back in college) and people that add to my life, I must admit that the hurt is still there, beneath the surface, waiting for me to let my guard down. “Gray Divorce”, amazing how quickly we find a label to make some sense of this. I put on a brave face everyday. The challenges of divorce in your sixties are intensified; finances or lack of, new relationships, attractiveness, etc. To many I have it all figured out. But the truth still overwhelms me. I dedicated my life to others and now I’m only responsible for me. That statement can be at the same time sad or liberating. Some days one or the other. What is my future me all about? Will I ever trust anyone with my heart? Working on finding the answers…
Anonymous, you rock! You know why? Because you are so mindful on your transition. And it sounds like you are determined to ACT rather than to be acted upon. You don’t have to have it all figured out to be awesome. Good luck, m’dear. 😉
Ditto:)
I’m divorced about 4 months but separated about 2 and a half years.
How have I thrived?
I learned to cook – and guess what, I’m really good! Everything I make tastes amazing and because I’m not living with a meat eater anymore I make amazing vegetarian food (not that I am a veggie, just trying it out) and have discovered a deep love of Middle Eastern food (which I make really well too!).
I am GREAT at being alone. I literally dance around my house (which is going to be repossessed /foreclosed because he’s not contributing to the mortgage and I can’t pay it alone) because I am so happy he’s not there. I get in my socks and skate on the floorboards. I sing when I do MY dishes. I laugh out loud if I see something funny on a TV programme that I want to watch. I smirk when I wash my clothes because I don’t need to get rid of any man stains on boxer shorts. I learned that I can climb into the attic, put out the bins, mow the garden and carry heavy stuff. Was it easy? No. But I did it!
And I learned that my crazy family are the key to my success. They’ve helped me cry. They’ve threatened to go to Australia to kick the shit out of my ex. They made me cakes. They exercise with me. They helped me figure out how to work the damn lawn mower. They give me their children to play with.
It’s still tough, but I will keep going, because the rewards of figuring out who I am and only having truth in my life are very very worth it.
It IS worth it! And I may stop by to try out that awesome veggie food:)
Thanks for sharing your story!
Forced to languish in limbo for six months after he left me, being given false hope he might choose to return, I am now two months past his filing to end our 26 year marriage, and I’m still trying to find my way. However, almost simultaneous with his filing, I have had nothing but success and opportunity in an area of my life that I love–my community theater passion. After a season of inactivity, I have had back-to-back-to-back opportunities to stay busy either directing or acting in productions in a variety of local community theaters. And I have upcoming opportunities to keep me busy until almost the end of this year! This has been my true passion since I was a very young girl, and it’s been a wonderful blessing to be reminded of just who I really am and what I truly love to be at this time when my identity is so shaken.
How awesome. What a timely blessing!:)
I bet it’s nice to be able to funnel all of that emotion into your roles.
Thanks for sharing!
Where do I start with this journey…oh so much has changed for the better since I said “well there’s the f@cking front door” 2 years ago. I am happily divorced and loving single life with my 2 gorgeous kids. I absolutely Thrived through it. Sure, I wasn’t in a good place when it ended, suffering anxiety and depression, but that cloud lifted pretty quickly. Only a few short months after the split friends commented all the time, wow you look so good and happy now. To cut a long story short, I felt within me that I had to share my journey with other like minded women, in order to help them be able to get through this challenging time, and I pretty much had no family around me, only some friends. Gratitude to them xx I then started a business called Suddenly Single Holidays, which I take women to Las Vegas to have fun and guide them to find their sparkle again, to have fun again and live!!! Thanks for allowing this share and thank you to the other women for sharing their story also. x Ren
It’s so empowering to use an ending as a springboard for something new. Thanks for sharing!
I just read: Why I Hate the Term “Affair-Proof” on Huffington I had to do a double take because JUST TODAY a very cute guy asked me the typical, “Why are you single?” ice breaker question.
Answer: Because my husband did not deserve me and therefore his privileges were revoked.
Sorry, but I had to give myself one of those rare ATTA GIRL pats on the back.
Fifteen months later and I am still grieving. When my husband left, I was Peter Pan without his shadow, Rose without Jack, I felt like Forrest Gump and just wanted to “Run Forrest Run”. I couldn’t make sense of anything. Literally one day we are on a family vacation in Disney and the next the boy’s and I find out my husband is having an affair with his 22 year old assistant.
After I confronted him, he left. I curled in a ball and sobbed like a baby. My mom stayed with me for a month to see me through the immediate trauma. I was in denial. I could not believe the man that I pledged my life to could have changed so drastically. I needed to understand what happened. I needed to know why after everything, NOW he leaves. We only have four years left before all our boys are gone. Then we are free to date, travel, whatever we want. Instead, he now lived with a girl six-weeks younger than our oldest son!
I grieved the death of my marriage. I grieved the death of my family. I grieved the dream I had for my family. I grieved for the man I once knew and loved. I have “groundhog” grieving. As with a human death, there is finality, with the death of a marriage there isn’t. You are forced to continue to deal with that person. It is like reliving their death every day.
I have the daunting task of being mother, father, handy man, accountant, maid, the whole kit and caboodle. I was not sure I was up for the task. Still crying I would tell them we are going to be okay. How were they supposed to be okay if I am not okay?
I wasn’t happy with the turn of events in my life. In fact “not happy” didn’t begin to describe my emotional free fall. Devastated. Petrified. Paralyzed. Lost. Angry. Disbelief. Even somewhat crazed. Life still moved on. I still cried. Like a tornado warning, you take cover and hope for this best. The tornado blazing through my life was wide and like a tropical depression it was determined to hover. I felt like I was standing outside of myself, a spectator in someone else’s horror story. I was losing my husband, my in laws and my dream. I wanted to break the generational curse of divorce but instead I was perpetuating it.
After nearly a year, I analyzed all the reasons I would still be crying. My tear ducts were broken? I hadn’t cried in so long I had to make up for lost time. I couldn’t accept reality? I couldn’t accept my dream was gone? I truly loved and missed my husband.
So far I can do all things but two:
1. Forget that I Love You.
2. Forget that you no longer love me.
Knowing when to walk away, is Wisdom. Being able to do it, is Courage. Walking away with our head held high, is Dignity.
I am striving for Dignity and Grace. My journey is filled with unknowns and uncertainties, but this I know for sure; God is for us, who one can be against us? I am not a victim of circumstance but a victor!
Love your last line. I can feel your spirit:) Always remember that you are greater than the sum of your sufferings.
I am thriving by showing my children what strength and determination are; by choosing to believe I will find a love I can trust; by finding alignment with my purpose and creating a career and life I love.
I no longer seek any kind of retribution from him (emotional or otherwise), because that would keep me his victim.
I thrive because that is what I was meant to do.
Love your writing.
xoxoxo
Beautiful:) Thank you for sharing!
Peace, is that too much to ask?
Will my daughters and I ever live in peace free from my estranged husbands propensity for selfishness, and sense of entitlement no matter who it hurts?
It’s all I think about. For over a year now.
BRILLIANT ANSWER:
I no longer seek any kind of retribution from him (emotional or otherwise), because that would keep me his victim.
Can it be that simple? I absolutely believe it can!!!
THANK YOU!!!
Peace is possible.
Promise.
Ok I was told this afternoon I can pick up the girls Friday 7 PM at his residence and return them Sunday at 7 PM at his residence. This is my husband’s townhouse he shares with his fiancé and her dog. (their is no such thing as dog support so I have custody of the dog he brought home one day) People and animals are easily disposable and replaced in his world, and that must be so confusing to those little girls.
There is no peace when you find your self already shaking thinking about this custody exchange. There is no peace when you make the decision to start the process of standing up to him and taking BECAUSE it is the right thing. We just are NOT THERE YET. It is like the perfect storm brewing. I am not catering to his tactics of intimidation any more. It is not a step forward, it is a vortex of conflict and he’s trying to suck me right in. The girls are better off staying put than be used as pawns to hurt their mommy. So this was my response to my attorney and as heartbreaking as it is I am not backing down. There will be repercussions (not legally), but there are always consequences. But I am ready now. 3 more weeks and he will have a lot to answer for in court.
This is my position on his demands:
Karen,
I am not comfortable with the exchange being at Kevin’s residence. Not even a little bit. He has a proven record of open hostility, verbal abuse and physical abuse directly at me on have multiple occasions and in the presence of the girls.
Furthermore, he is the one who relocated 40 minutes away. Please trust that I am not trying to cause conflict for the sake of causing conflict. WE ARE JUST NOT THERE. I realize that I am essentially forfeiting my time with the girls. I firmly believe it will be in their best interest to avoid such a unknown and highly stressful exchange.
For everyone’s sake I am proposing we maintain an ounce of security and consistency by planning exchanges to be made at a neutral location. Kevin insisted that the YWCA to facilitate visitation and I complied. It is a proven non-conflict zone. It is a valuable resource and I would like to continue to use their services. They will facilitate and monitor custody exchanges. I am going to ask that Kevin continue what he started and be agreeable to this. It seems to me to the next best step here.
Please advise,
Amanda
You can’t change him. Even when he’s being unreasonable.
It may not be fair and when you’re a parent, it’s even harder because you hurt for the kids and want what’s best for them. But you still can’t change him and his responses.
Peace comes with that acceptance. Not approval of his choices, but an understanding that it is his way. Be the best you and the best parent you can be regardless of what he does. Learn when it’s time to fight (and yeas, sometimes that is the best response) and when it’s not a worthy battle.
As long as your well-being is tied to his actions, peace will be elusive. Work on being okay regardless. And I know, that is much easier said than done. Time helps provide some cushioning for the anger and gives some perspective that softens the blows.
Hugs, lady.
My trauma doesn’t involve a divorce, but betrayal just the same.
I am also committed to thriving as a way of taking back my life.
Good for you to speak your story, and encourage others to do so as well.
Love your attitude!:) Thrive on!
Remember the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, where the slow-moving tortoise beats the hare in a race because he makes steady progress, while the overly confident hare takes his time, making and breaking the rules each and every turn.
I am finding strength in this silly little tale. Believe in yourself even when you stumble (we are all going to stumble from time to time). It is easy to doubt yourself and find yourself feeling someone else will get the best of you.
I am learning that as long as I keep going, and as long as I keep believing, and as long as I make steady (as slow as it may seem) progress I stand an excellent chance of being the first one with two feet firmly planted on the brighter side.
He walked out three months ago. I came up fighting, which shocked the hell out of both of us. I picked up the pieces. I moved my family out of there to a place that felt safe. I got an awesome hair cut. I took up martial arts. I ran. I got back into school. I came up with a five-year plan. I made bounderies. I held him to bounderies. I leaned on the love of my mother and my sister. I discovered my power, my strength, my flexibility, my intelligence, my courage, my warmth, my wit. I discovered leverage. I protected my daughters. I showed them that their mama is a warrier. I grieve. I let myself have bad days. I remind myself that I am worthy. I deserve more. I keep running. I come up fighting.
It sounds like you found your strength. What a gift:) Thank you for sharing your story and I hope the good days keep growing!
I’m not legally divorced quite yet, though the papers are with the courts and there’s nothing standing between me and a ruling.
The problems started after we’d been married for 11 months, together for nearly 5 years. One day he turned to me and told me he didn’t think he was in love with me. Three months later, after being laid off from my job and losing my grandfather, he told me with finality that he wanted a divorce. I packed up my life into a single car and drove 900 miles home.
It was a struggle at first. I do believe I was only surviving. I was denied unemployment benefits and with my resources dwindling, I found myself humbled, working a minimum-wage job in order to get by.
But in October, I found a job. It was the first of many things that have helped me regain a sense of independence. Soon, I will be moving back out on my own again. I’ve started making plans to run my very first Tough Mudder next year. I’ve started writing poetry again, after almost 7 years of silence.
More importantly, I’ve finally started the process of reclaiming my healing and my happiness. I’ve begun to forgive him — not for him, but for me. I’m learning things about myself that I never really knew or addressed before. I’ve finally been able to take a step back from alcohol and nicotine in order to get a really good look at myself. It’s scary, but it feels… freeing.
I thrive because he no longer controls how I see myself or my future. I don’t walk on eggshells anymore. I have the opportunity to surround myself with people who will love & respect me the way he never could. When life as I knew it fell away, I saw it not as the end, but as a beginning to something over which I have complete control: my life, my happiness, my future.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It certainly sounds as though you have turned the corner to thriving. So happy for you! 🙂
Great work everyone and awesome writing, Lisa!! Its really humbling to read people’s stories and remember that no one is alone, just look at the crazy statistics. I, too am a thriver. My first marriage was to a guy who lied, had an extra-curricular love life ( multiple cheating), lived off of my income for most of our marriage, and left me a parting gift of an STD when we divorced and so much more. I have been remarried to the great love of my life for 14 years this year and could not feel more blessed. The lessons learned from the first marriage were powerful and the personal work I did in between was profound. I was so inspired by what unfolded for me that I decided to get trained and credentialed as a Relationship Coach to help others thrive in relationship which I feel is one of the most important areas of life. I love my work, I love being of service, and am grateful for all I have learned and for the beautiful marriage I have now. Divorce is NOT the end of the world, just the completion of a chapter in life that teaches us many important lessons and leads us to greater adventures!
Well said and journey well traveled:)
Hi.. these stories are amazing and comforting. I have not filed for divorce yet as there are two small children in the middle and my charmer of an estranged spouse thinks nothing of using them either. It is amazing that even in the depth of such garbage lies the will to live and live better.
I hope to have the love of my life. In the meantime, I have a coaching practice for professionals seeking support while they navigate evening school. My two children are happy. I can sleep again. And my friendships are improving.
A spousal abandonment is not the end of the world — it’s a fissure that allows for great change! Thank you for your site… you have allowed many folks to heal.
A “fissure that allows for great change.” Yes! What a great perspective!
I love the niche of your coaching practice – such an important and stressful time in people’s lives. I’ve written before about the correlation I’ve seen between one partner returning to school and divorce. Perhaps having support can limit that!
Thank you for your note!
Oh and I am so sorry for the delayed response…. my website is now a new, updated work and I am getting used to new tech 🙂
Congrats on the updated site!
I am coming out of a five-year relationship with the man I was convinced I’d marry. I found out he was cheating on me (again) and never had any intention of marrying me. Right now, I’m at the end of a three-year journey to get the top designation in my industry. The last of two tests are next month. I am going to pass those tests and show that I am a person of excellence and commitment no matter what my circumstances.
What a great accomplishment. Wonderful example of thriving in spite of:)
My divorce saved my life. I lived in the shadow of another person. My life orbited around my husband and there was not a single decision I made without wondering what he would think or how he would react. Even my hairstyle was decided based on what he liked. So naturally the first thing I did after the divorce was chop it all off! It was the most liberating feeling walking out of that hair salon. It set the course for my transformation.
I have been divorced for two and half years now and I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I have grown. My career has moved from mundane to passionately living out my dream. From having no friends, I now have a stunning group of close friends that I will cherish for many many years to come.
I also decided to avoid getting into a relationship for as long as possible so that I could truly bloom into the person I had lost during the 8 years I was married. I wanted to make sure that I was strong enough to choose a partner wisely – to be able to see the red flags I has clearly missed (or ignored due to naivety) the next time around. I am now in a great relationship with someone who is intent on making me laugh, builds me up and genuinely loves me for who I am. We compliment each other and most importantly, we enhance each other.
If I had not gone through the pain of divorce, who knows the shadow I would be now?
Wow! It sounds like you have truly come into your own! Kudos to your strength and determination!
I have been divorced for a few years now. Nothing has ever hurt so much as leaving a long term relationship did. But, I realize I was “hiding” in this relationship since I was a teenager. It was my safety net and my cure for loneliness. No one should ever have that responsibility. Now, I am my own safety net. I have learned, very recently, that I’m not bad company. There is a comfort in knowing that. I feel free.
I love it! Here’s to feeling free!!
I very much want to be a part of the Thrivers Club because right now I feel like I have been skinned alive. While I wasn’t married, my boyfriend of 4 years and I were planning to get engaged this month. When he sat me down to talk about our “future,” I was shocked to find that instead of proposing, he was telling me that he had cheated on me multiple times and had been caught because he attempted to force himself on our mutual friends’ girlfriend. What followed in the next few days were nothing short of torture: I found out he had been cheating on me all 4 years we were together, oftentimes with people we knew and also with many, many “random” women across the country.
I gave him my complete and utter trust and devotion, so none of these affairs were on my radar. He was very good at hiding his double life. Three weeks in, I have been barely living in the house we renovated together. Most nights I fall asleep with tears in my eyes and the words “why?” on my lips. I know it will get better, but that feels so, so far away. I’m 33, single, and, like you, lost the one thing I didn’t think I could ever live without. Now I have to.
I want to thank you for your blog. It is giving me hope in the depths of the darkest time of my life. Reading your words is the only thing that calms the storm of emotions I am experiencing right now. I truly feel like you are saving my life in a lot of ways right now. Thank you.
What a horrible discovery. I’m so sorry. “Skinned alive” is an apt description for the pain. Right now, your goal is to be part of the survivor’s club – just keep breathing. Once some of the shock fades, it’s time to throw yourself into your purpose, whatever that may be. Give yourself a reason to keep moving forward. No rush – the thriver’s club is always open:)
I unknowingly married someone I suspect to be a narcissist. He was very charming initially, then once he knew I was committed he became intensely controlling. My signs were he never let go of past so called friendships with other women. When my male friends seemed to give me the respect and space my marriage deserved. I found myself asking him to respect me in matters that should have been given. But no even simple things were complicated. It was the game he played in order to be certain the we not grow as a couple. My ex wanted all the supplementals that came with marriage like the additional income to help with bills, a warm body, and a maid. When I became savey enough to take away what he wanted and left him with me all of me. He simply walked away with another woman who fell for his lies of me being the non supportive wife. So she must play the role of the woman who will take care of him better. Well, I pass the baton and rest well in my knowing of what goes around, comes around. I am thriving and grateful for the closed door. Put Layla Hathaway What goes around in your playlist of music. No thanks necessary😊
Ahh, karma:) Isn’t she great?
Sounds like you’re well on the way to creating a life where you are valued for you, not for what you can do for him.
Congrats!!
I love this Thriver’s club and enjoyed reading some of the stories! I’ve been trying to leave my alcoholic abuser for years. Now that I’ve had very little contact with him for 8 months, I have found myself diving into my passion! I want to thrive for our 6 year old and I. To show him that if you work hard that you can enjoy a career that you love. Being a single Mom without much help is tough, but I am so grateful to be able to experience the daily joys with him! I’m hopeful that once the divorce is final that I can use social media again without fear that he will destroy me. Much work to be done, but hopeful.
Congrats on the steps you’ve taken!! May your passion keep on multiplying:))
I found your blog at the lowest point in my life this past November, when out of the blue I found out my husband had an affair and worse yet was in love with his ex from high school. Your post on a tsunami divorce described what I was going through to a T. That was Nov 13, 2016. Today, March 1, 2017 I am divorced (pending final judgement), I am living in my new home (soon to be officially mine), doing more and smiling more then I ever could have imagined those early days. People told me I would survive… I was strong… I would be ok and better than before… but I didn’t believe it then. Somewhere in the last 3 months, I chose to believe it and am very much living it now. I was strong and I have done more then just survive, I am thriving!! I still have little things to step around and navigate in my life, but internally I am better than good. I needed to reach back out to you and thank you. Your blog was the first that resonated. I listened to your you tube video and used the tips you gave in it to help start moving myself forward. So if you ever wonder if your writing is still helping people, please know that it is and that I am eternally grateful for finding you. Thank you and take care!! Lisa
Thank you so much for sharing:) I am SO happy to hear you’re doing well!!!
The end of the marriage created a new and powerful effort on the ex’s part to wreck me and our children. He financiallu exhausted me in Court, turned my oldest against me, made me a lousy wife and Mother on paper. He ended up with the house and the kids, I was never given the chance to even gather my clothes. He abused the kids, didnt use child support to even feed them, was drunk every night and the kids were not even supervised and in danger. I moved to Dallas where I had family and support as I had no where to go when he got everything. My Dad died of cancer during that time. I kept the kids longer than allowed by Court ordered visitation when my son threatened to jump out of the car because he didnt want to go back to his Dad, I went to jail violating that Order. Afterwards, a protective order meant I couldn’t see my kids (2 & 7). I packed a suitcase and showed upon his doorstep and said he defeated me, he wins and all I needed was my kids in life. He allowed me to stay at his home (used to be mine) if I were the live in maid and Nanny as long as I paid child support, I slept on the floor between the kids beds for a year and was the maid. After a year, a new girl he was dating found out I was the kids Mom and I was served a 3 day notice to vacate. He said I could take the kids a while and within 3 days I got a place to live, a job and a car. I paid child support for 5 years. He had nothing to do with the kids for 10 years and I was able to replace anger and abuse with love and laughter. We bought a $15 table and furnished an empty home one garage sale at a time. We built a life and my boys are now grown, one is a fire fighter and volunteers so much in the community I barely see him. The other is going into law. These broken scared children became leaders because of all they went through. We don’t feel angry at their Dad or cheated, we feel blessed. Their Dad resurfaced and I encouraged them to forgive and accept him. No matter what happens, allow things to break your heart but never your spirit. Know that better days are ahead. Love is the most healing tool in the world. I recall all the nights I cried my eyes out missing my children. Know you can survive and thrive and influence your children to greatness.
What an uplifting message after such a tragic story. Your spirit continues to shine:)
Denise, thank you for sharing your experiences. Puts my life in perspective.
Peace!
Thanks for following my blog – https://TheRisingPhoenixEffect.wordpress.com
I am just at the beginning of my journey through divorce and while it is mutual and amicable, I still recognize a lot of the feelings and thoughts you’ve described in many of your posts. I am attempting to use these last 15 years as a lesson for myself and probably my soul, to be honest. I love seeing so many brave women taking charge of their lives and really coming out of the experience stronger, more resilient, and thriving!! Thanks again, and I look forward to following along on your journey and so many others that are in the Thrivers Club!
Blessings to you all,
Phoenix
I recently found your website, then bought your book and read it in 2 days. What struck me so much from reading your book is that my entire marriage, truly, was a fraud. I’ve uncovered deceit dating back to the first year of the marriage, he was always lying to me. Always
I got divorced 2 years ago, thank god, but I still have to deal with my ex because we have 2 children and share custody. I gave up a very lucrative job a decade ago to be a full time stay at home mom and in the process, came to realize my husband was unable to manage our money, (and turns out had a history of questionable financial mgmt) spent all of it, racked up over 70K in debt that he hid from me and changed his withholding at work and owed the IRS almost 20K. I found all of this out after we were separated, but still living in the same house and 7 months prior to the divorce being finalized. I also uncovered that he had a social media presence under a different name and scores of ‘friends’ I’ve never heard of. He is a serial compulsive liar, master manipulator and gaslighter. He has also inserted himself into different groups at our children’s school and has created a persona of this ‘great divorced dad who just needs a little help’ while preying on unsuspecting moms. I went back to work a few years ago, put the kids on my health plan, have zero debt, have taken my kids on wonderful vacations (another thing we never did while married, because no money and I will never find out what he spent the money on) and I’ve gotten a raise/promotion) Meanwhile he is still drowning in debt, his family no longer speaks to me, his mother pays his bills for him, even tho he makes 6 figures, she just bought him a house (she is the epitome of an Enabler) and has made up horrible stories about me to his friends and family. I have no contact with any of these people. My life is 1,000% better and I would absolutely say I am thriving, but I still have to deal with this person until my kids turn 18. Knowing how to protect myself, getting positive reinforcement from friends and family and knowing that everything I do is for my kids financial, emotional, and psychological well being, as well as mine, is what keeps me going. My kids know that I am the one who ‘makes the trains run on time’, while their dad can’t even show up for a school conference. It’s an enormous help to read others stories and know that I’m not alone. I will continue to thrive and protect myself and my kids from this destructive person
After 8 years, I’m finally willing to admit my ex-wife will never be friendly to me. It’s disappointing, but the relationship is up to me. And I have let go all of my expectations. Win.
Letting go of expectations is HUGE (and hugely difficult)!
I just found this site, thank God. I’m ready to admit to myself and others that I’ve been miserable and constantly fighting with my husband for our 29 yr marriage. We are on 2 different universes of communication and our kids learned they had to be mediators, which I grew to understand was the worst thing and it now breaks my heart. I don’t know how but somehow both kids turned out to be wonderful strong independent not a darn thing wrong with them kids, thank God. But me, even dating, I had red flags but thought things would be different after marriage, and my family didn’t like him but didn’t tell me in strong enough language. I drank a lot every night, walked out several times, threatened to leave several times. His perspective of our marriage was mostly happy/loving and just a few spats every so often, my perspective was hell, tense, trying to navigate his sarcastic put-downs, dismissive attitude toward me, joking insulting. We’re trying counseling, but he’s not putting in any effort at the homework. I don’t see any change in his attitude. He says I just have to work out my issues. He says I can’t leave because he doesn’t have anyone else, both his parents are passed and I still have my mom and siblings for support. He says I have to stay because I’m his only person and I’m his world and he doesn’t have anyone else. Talk about laying on the guilt trip. I feel very guilty already and am afraid he’ll resent me if I do end up leaving. Our kids are grown now so at least we don’t have to worry about that.
What does the counselor say about his comments that you can’t leave?
I’m going on two years of single parenting my teen boys in a foreign country (Switzerland, I’m from New Orleans originally). My marriage ended a year before we separated, so really it’s been over for three years. I was very deliberate in how I chose to move forward and finding your site feels like I’m fine tuning parts of me that are ready to heal, thank you so much.
We were building our dream house and three months before move in date, a week after I had my most successful week and was recognized for a business start-up idea, I found out he was sleeping with a woman we knew – and then the unraveling began…prostitutes in Berlin while I was holding the hand of my best friend as she lay dying, women in South Korea as I took care of a business and two little boys and mastered the German language. We went to therapy but I knew I was there only to have a third person in the room bc my gut told me I could no longer see the ground. Our therapist helped me deepen my mediation practice and hold us accountable and one day I knew I was ready to leave the relationship when the therapist asked me why I was staying. Only bc I was afraid to move on.
I’ve dated a lot, and recently realized I have more healing to do – at the moment alone, but I learn best while actively dating. I’ll get there one day, that place where my walls are shorter, that place where when I think I see signs, my ears won’t ring, and I’m sure I can one day trust a man to share my experience with. I’ll get there, but I am taking my time. I have to admit, healing feels sooo damn good.