My Lessons

I decided early on to view the challenge of my divorce as an opportunity to learn.  Here are some of my lessons:

1) Fear is greatest right before a plunge.  Any fan of roller coasters knows this one well; the scariest part of the ride is the ascent as you anticipate the terror ahead.  I went through my entire marriage terrified of losing him.  Once I did, I found that I could handle the reality much better than the anticipatory fear.

2) Softness is complimentary to strength, not in opposition to it.  I used to approach everything like a bull, pushing my way through with pure determination.  I have learned the power of flexibility and fluidity and it has only helped me to grow stronger.

Softness Isn’t Just For Selling Tissues

3) Tsunamis can wash out relationships.  Great destructive power can lie beneath a placid surface of a marriage.  I have learned to be wary of what hides in the depths.

Tsunami Divorce

4) Interdependence is preferrable to complete independence.  I was often too independent in my marriage, leaving my ex to feel as though he wasn’t needed.  I have learned that it is okay to ask for and receive assistance.  My current partner and I are very much a team; I’m not sure I could have said that before.

5) Be not do.  I have learned the power of stillness, mindfulness, and meditation.  I no longer base my self worth on my to-do list.

Taming the Monkey Mind

6) Cooking really isn’t that hard and you don’t have to wear an apron to do it.

I’m No Martha Stewart, But I Found My Kitchen

7) Stress is a choice.  I have learned that I can choose not to carry stress and tension, instead releasing it through meditation, exercise, and companionship.

8) Forgiveness is possible even against the unforgivable.  Actually, it’s not just possible; it’s required to move forward.

9) The legal system will not protect me.  I have had to learn to self-advocate and work within a system that can be manipulated and avoided.

Marital Treason

10) Sociopaths exist outside of movies.  I think I might have married one.

11) Happiness is found in acceptance, not control.  I have learned to be with what is rather than try to force something into reality.

12) I will always be learning.

(You can find my full story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage.)

Ten Lessons I am Still Learning

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