On the day I met my soon-to-be-ex husband in court, I was asked by the judge to wait in the hallway while she and attorneys consulted with my husband.
I have never felt so alone.
I sat trembling on that austere bench in that impersonal hall with tears streaming down my face. My past was in the courtroom, embodied in the man that had gone from lover to stranger, protector to persecutor. My future was unknown and unknowable. And my present was hell.
A hell that I felt like I was facing alone.
Because it felt like nobody could understand.
No one could relate.
Eventually, I learned that I wasn’t alone. I realized that others had been through similar situations and managed to survive and even thrive.
If you’re currently feeling alone, here are some posts for you:
It’s funny how freeing it can be to realize that you’re not special. There is a comfort to be found in accepting that we are more alike than we think.
Understanding and addressing loneliness after divorce is critical to your well-being.
I started sharing my story in the hopes that no one else would ever have to feel alone, no matter the details of their divorce. Here’s my personal message for you.
One of the ways that we feel alienated after divorce is when people start to say that we should be feeling a certain way. There is no right way to feel.
Divorce is a major loss. It’s shocking to the system. This analogy may help you find acceptance and clarity of where you are. And give you some ideas how to rebuild.
We all need support during divorce. From old to new, these are the types of friends you need during your separation.
The holidays can be a stressful time for anyone. And that goes double for those dealing with the end of a marriage. There are ways to make it more tolerable.
I never wanted to be a member of the divorce club. I’d wager you didn’t want to join either. Here are the FAQS for new affiliates.
I couldn’t relate at all to stories of conscious uncoupling. My story was more Stanley Kubric than RomCom.
This post really doesn’t have much to do with being alone, but it is a reminder of how we can change our divorce experience. Even if our exes don’t cooperate.
Maybe because my journey is just beginning I don’t know how to cope, but I want to. I have been with the same man for 20 years and now he wants my kids and for me to just quietly walk away. So sad it physically hurts.
My heart hurts for you.
It is physical. Studies have shown that the body does actually change from heartbreak. It’s a time to take care of yourself.
You say it’s just beginning. How long now?
Hi, I’m in the same place as you Adrianna. My husband of 20 years walked out overnight seven weeks ago and left me and my 18 and 14 year old reeling in shock. He’s already brought an apartment, swears there is no other party involved, and seems to be incapable of understanding the impact of his behaviour on us all. My two kids, specially my older son, is suffering terribly because he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with them and my heart is breaking, not only for myself, but them. I too have constant physical pain, as if i can’t ever get enough breath and an ache in my chest. I empathise with you and if you want to get in touch, somehow, It would be heaven to have someone to talk to who gets it.
It’s horrible, I have a baby and my husband left. He took away a family from my baby before she could even have any memories of a family structure! That is what hurts the most.
That is horrible and so very sad. I know it’s not the childhood you pictured for your daughter. Your going to show her how strong women are and teach her that she can be independent. You are going to teach her that not all families look alike and the friends we choose to surround ourselves with can be just as important as blood or spouses. You are going to show her that when life knocks her down, she can get back up. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll show her that the loss of one love doesn’t preclude another.
Hugs to you and your daughter.
i was married for 40 years and after 20 years of cheating and emotional abuse i left him . he immediately began living with his current girlfriend in our house,( he was awarded in our divorce, long story). i have now been divorced for almost eight years and am engaged to a wonderful man . i just this week found out on facebook that my rat ex married his girlfriend of eight years in Hawaii. no less. i am thrown off by my feelings of loss and sadness. Don”t understand why I am hur
ting. I cringe every time I see his new wife”s posts on FB and how she signs them with her new last name. Thought I was over this. But I will get through it, like I did the divorce. Guess we are all creatures of habit and do not accept the changes life throws at us sometimes. but I have so much to look forward to, getting married December 10. THANKS FOR LETTING ME WORK THIS OUT IN MY MIND. i FEEL SOOOOO MUCH BETTER.
Glad you feel better! It’s hard to see our exes moving on even while we’re doing the same. It brings up memories, brings down self esteem and brings with it a true sense of finality. The good news is that the initial pain upon the discovery usually fades pretty quickly. Try not to worry about him and focus instead on what brings smiles to your life:))))
This kind of helps. I thought I was finally doing better. Divorce was final in summer 2015. A divorce I never wanted or saw coming. We do have a child, so I do have to interract with him. Now almost 2 years later, finding out he’s dating and living with someone who’s 20 years younger I feel like I am regressing. I have sole custody of my daughter so don’t get out much. He has chosen to see her not every scheduled visitation. I am really struggling with this intense feeling of hurt or sadness or whatever it is. I know for a fact I do not want him back, but think maybe this news is making me feel lonely. I hate that he has his girlfriend and her family all thinking he is the best. No one knows just how he walked out on us. His version is much different than reality. He just says it didn’t work out. It is so frustrating and I want to scream at them-don’t worry I don’t . I have to keep telling myself to be the better person, and hope that someday down the road I can find my happy ending, although I do secretly hope that all his lies or rather omissions will catch up to him and I get to hear about the fallout. I hate that I feel that way. The stupid heart that won’t listen to my head.
That is such a tough position to be in. I’m glad you’re sharing- even if it’s only online to strangers. Keeping all that unfairness bottled up isn’t good. Keep being you. His true colors will bleed through in time.
Hi I was married for 34 years and after a long wait from a car accident that at that time my ex could not handle he felt that if he had to work I should to and beside that the income went down and then was cut off from the insurance company this made him hate me even more it seams he got mean with his remarks and then I began to hate him I was hit from behind and still manage to lose out of court. but after 2 years of not be able to work I won dissability from 2010 and still going. I ended up with fibromilagia and then next year with neck surgery and still to this day having another neck surgery coming up but my main problem is, I met some one else who treats me very well but he wanted to move into a house thats 62 miles from my mom&dad, kids, grand kids, and I just feel like it to far away but cry over this please tell me how to get over this and has no family at all so does understand me some times but doese’nt really like kids either but puts up with them for me he good about that.
You’ve been through a lot. And you now have a tough decision to make. Nobody can make that call for you. You shouldn’t have to choose between family and a partner.
I’m concerned that you say he “puts up with” the kids. Kids sense that.
I want to thank you for the page and thoughts you have shared with us. As I have been grieving for someone who left for the fifth time in two years, possibly ten in four years of marriage, I have been suffering in silence (with the exception of three people who know) how the person I have been married to left me with no communication and he still has clothes hanging in the closet. This happened almost three months ago, this time.
He left me when my mom had a heart attack, the heat went out, two weeks after my mom died last year, and recently when I found out my employment due to the ‘Unfair’ Labor Standards Act cut my monthly income by $500.00. There were other times and I have blamed it on so many things, even the house we were in and remodeling. http://andthehousefelldown.wordpress.com
Now as I sit here at this point with no family close by, all my friends are married, my children are grown and do not live near, your blog gave me encouragement. Of course, presently I may only feel encouraged for ten minutes and return to my pool of pity. Thank you for the ten minutes and I hope it might last 25.
Celebrate every minute spent in encouragement.
It sounds like you’ve had a rough run. And the timing this round couldn’t be worse. I can see why you’re feeling discouraged.
It must have been difficult to be at his mercy (leaving and coming back according to his whim). I can imagine some relief at no longer being subject to his yo-yo methods of affection. Still sucks, though.
One thought I want to share with you- Never let somebody else determine your worth. You are amazing and have much to give.
Hugs to you, Lisa
Wonderful posts you have here on dealing with divorce. I’m not divorced, but I have been a marriage counselor for many years, and I know divorce is one of the hardest things to cope with in life. My thoughts and prayers go to all these beautiful ladies here.
Please love up on yourself this Christmas!
Thank you for the compliment and thank you for helping people with their relationships!
Hi. I am recently divorced after a 39 yr marriage. The EX planned the divorce for at least 2 yrs before I got “the letter in the mail” from his divorce attorney. We had just returned from a 3 1/2 week to Europe celebrating our 39th wedding anniversary. Finding your website has been a lifesaver just tonite after reading only a few pages. I have “survived” 5 1/2 yrs of Hell. Court was totally unfair. I had an incompetent drug addicted divorce Atty. She had been arrested one week before the property trial started for OVI AND 6 felonies. I had already paid her a “flat fee” of $85,000 plus the $10,000 retainer. I was conned by her too. She did not even get her closing arguments in to the magistrate on my behalf. The EX had hired a cut throat evil female Atty. There was a business involved and I got nothing. He put on a good show in court of having no money and going bankrupt ALL FALSE. but the court bought it and he walked out the winner. I was left with a house indebted with HIS gambling losses and a few crumbs left over. SAD. I FEEL THE JUSTICE SYSTEM FAILED ME BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW THAT I COULD HAVE GOTTEN A CONTINUENCE TO HIRE A DIFFERENT ATTORNEY. NO ONE TOLD ME UNTIL AFTER I HIRED A NEW DIVORCE ATTY TO WRITE THE OBJECTIONS TO THE MAGISTRATES DECISION WHICH GOT ME NOWHERE. SAD.
TOTAL BETRAYAL, DECEIT, THEFT, CHEATING also that I knew nothing about BY A PERSON I WAS WITH FOR 40 years Still trying to find myself. I never knew what that term meant until this happened. 2012-2017. 2018 is a new beginning somehow and somewhere.
What a nightmare. I would expect it felt like you were betrayed twice – once by your husband and again by the courts. The system is so totally confusing and challenging to navigate at the best of times and even more so when we’re in shock in grief.
May 2018 be the year of your rebirth 🙂