A Cynic’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Valentine's Day Flowers

So you thought you were safe? You survived the holiday season and you were beginning to settle back into normalcy. And then. Wham! Back with the sappy commercials. Out come the gaudy decorations. The messages of material happiness are yet again bombarding our senses from every direction.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I don’t think there’s any holiday that is viewed with as much dread as Valentine’s Day. For the single, it is an acute awareness of their uncoupled state. For the partnered, it is a day fraught with expectations that are unattainable. And for those in undefined relationships, it is a holiday filled with questions and a delicate dance of protocol.

So who is this holiday even for anyway? According to the media, men end up spending money on diamonds or chocolates (or PajamaGrams) that represent their love. They then surprise their mate with their gift. Upon receiving the gift, the women swoon over their partner, their adoring eyes gazing up at their man. The subtext is obvious. Men – if you don’t give your partner something, she will be upset. Women – if you receive nothing, you are unloved.

Or at least that’s the way the commercials explain it. The expectations for perfection and romance have been elevated to laughable levels.

Unless you’re a millionaire Calvin Klein model who has the ability and inclination to whisk your girlfriend off to Paris where you can propose at the base of the Eiffel tower, you’ll fall short. Women are primed to believe that their man does not love them if they do not receive some tangible proof on a predetermined day on the calender. This notion is absurd.

When your coworker receives some elaborate bouquet, do not assume it is because her husband is a contender for a starring role in a romantic comedy. Perhaps the roses are a mea culpa for a major screw up. Or maybe he is some narcissistic jerk who wants others to fawn over his generosity.The truth is that a single gift, no matter how elaborate or romantic, is not a sign of love.

Love should be ongoing and omnipresent. It is the tiny crinkle in the corner of his eye when he sees you. It’s the comforting presence of a hand of your back when you’re feeling unsure. It’s the encouraging word, the passionate kiss and the understanding nod. It’s the embrace that eases all tension. Love cannot be bought and sold. It does not exist in a single day. It doesn’t need sparkle or a candy coated shell to dress it up.

I remember in elementary school, we would all exchange cards until we had a hand made envelope bulging with terms of endearment. We would eat candy and take a break from school work to laugh and talk and play. It didn’t matter if you were male or female. Single or had recently wed with a foil ring under the swings. Those were some of my favorite Valentine’s Days. No high expectations, just a day to celebrate togetherness and laughter. A time to share notes about what we loved and appreciated in others. And that’s a Valentine’s Day that can make even a cynic smile.

Here are my non-cynical Valentine wishes for you:

Let go of expectations.  Enjoy the moments in the day.  Celebrate your beauty and worth.  Kiss a dog.  Or cat.  Or baby.  Treat yourself to a breathe of fresh air.  Pamper yourself.  Perform an act of kindness for another.  Laugh.  Make a gratitude list.  And, if all else fails, remember that the next day is the 15th.

Valentine's Day Flowers

Work is Like a Gas

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Chemistry 1965

Work is like a gas.

It expands to fill its allotted space.

As a teacher, I have fixed hours: 8:30-4:30 M-F. That time is entirely consumed with meetings, conferences, tutoring and, let’s not forget, instruction. That means that I have to find time outside of that window to prepare lessons, write materials and grade papers.

In my old life, I let that work expand unbounded into all areas of my life. I showed up at work at 7:00 when the custodians were the only other life in the building.  I worked in the evenings, grading papers while watching a movie with my husband. Half of my Saturday would be spent in front of the computer, planning lessons and writing materials. Even vacations weren’t sacred – I would frequently have a bag of work by my feet as we drove off to some destination.

During the divorce, I realized that I needed to set boundaries. I still came into school early, but I refused to take work home. I liked that morning time – it was bound by the bell that started the day. Much to my surprise, I found that I could still get done much of what I needed to. The lessons weren’t as fleshed out, but my years of experience had long since made that unneccessary. The activities weren’t as neat and typo-free, but it turns out that 8th graders don’t really care (or even notice) and a type doesn’t limit learning. Occasionally, I felt rushed or unprepared when something came up unexpectedly at the last moment. But that happened when I worked all of the time, too.

Last year, when I started my 28 day mediation challenge, I pushed my start time back to 7:30 so that I a few precious moments in the morning where I could meditate without having to get up at an even more ridiculous time. It was heaven. I arrived at work rested and calm. The centered mind more than made up for the missing half hour.

This year, I told myself that I would start the year by going in at 7:00 to allow time for the added workload of the beginning of the school year. I promised myself that I would move that back to 7:30 by the end of the 1st quarter.

It’s now the 3rd quarter and I’ve only walked through the doors after 7:00 a handful of times. In fact, it’s been closer to 6:45 on most mornings.

What went wrong? Why am I allowing this time? Do I really need it or am I just afraid that I will fall behind if I do not allow that extra half hour? I’ve been feeling unbalanced with work this year – it’s taking more energy and causing more stress than I would like.

What would happen if I narrow its container? Bound it with walls that restrict its flow? Would that found time restore balance?

I intend to find out.

Beginning today.

Learning to Trust Myself

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New Orleans. Mardi Gras. And Super Bowl!
New Orleans. Mardi Gras. And Super Bowl!

 

The hardest part of learning to trust after betrayal has been learning to trust myself.

My fiance and his cousin, both huge Ravens fans, were lucky enough to score tickets to the Super Bowl. In New Orleans. During Mardi Gras. Talk about the ultimate boy’s weekend!

Brock came back into town Monday night but due to his exhaustion on Monday and our crazy schedules on Tuesday, we really didn’t have a chance to connect until last night.

We went to one of our favorite eating spots, ordered our food and he set up his iPad to show me the pictures from the weekend. It was a bit of a deja vu experience for me.

Almost four years ago, I sat in a similar restaurant with my husband, a MacBook Pro open in front of us as he showed me pictures of his recent 10 day trip to Brazil. On the surface, much was the same between those two days. Underneath? Nothing in common at all.

Just weeks before leaving the marriage, my husband returned from what I thought was a business trip in Brazil. I was told that he was there to work with a frequent client of his and the specified show he was supposed to be working was in Sao Paulo That was true. The rest was not. The details he told me about the build and his frustrations with the Brazilian labor were complete lies. The names of people he was working with were utter fabrications. Instead of a work trip, it was actually a pre honeymoon with his soon-to-be second wife.

I didn’t know any of this until later.

I completely trusted my husband. It never would have entered my mind that he culled pictures to make a file that was “Lisa” safe, removing all evidence of his fiancee. I never thought to carefully examine the “work” pictures in the mix, looking for signs that they were pulled from the internet or from earlier shows.

My brain trusted my husband completely. Yet, my gut was unsettled during that entire trip. I was anxious, restless, filled with concern for his safety. It knew something.

Last weekend could not have been more different. My fiance was at the ultimate party and I was completely calm. I had no anxiety. No unease.  I looked at his pictures with complete calm, enjoying his enjoyment.

It’s crazy to think that I used to trust my husband more than I trusted myself. I believed him more that I believed my own instincts. I have learned how to trust myself. I have tuned in to my instincts and I am less inclined to rationalize any twinges that I feel. There is no guarantee that I will never be betrayed again, but at least I know that I won’t be the one to do it.

Enjoy the Lawn

Posted on by stilllearning2b

enjoy the lawn

Classification of Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b
infidelity

betrayed

In a recent piece on The Huffington Post, Dr. Mark Banschick describes four outcomes after a cheater is caught or decides to come clean:1) the cheater can make amends and the marriage continues, 2)the cheater can make amends and the marriage ends, 3)the cheated upon can choose to end the marriage or 4)the cheater can blame the other spouse for their actions and then leave the marriage. It seems like common sense, but reading this was a lightbulb moment for me. Part of my pain was in the fact that my husband was a type four – he blamed me and left. Not only were there no amends, but he didn’t even acknowledge his actions. In a way, I was lucky. I had no choice but to accept the fact that he was a type four. After all, leaving the state, refusing contact and committing bigamy made it pretty unlikely that I would get an apology. I had no choice but to move on.

Others are not so lucky. They have a type four spouse but they are holding out for him or her to turn into a type one or two and accept responsibility for their actions. Their hope and their reality do not match and the disconnect adds another layer of pain and anger.

Dr. Banschick classified the end of an affair – the choices left once the betrayal is uncovered. Affairs are different even before the end, with other factors complicating the situation and the healing process. I think it can be helpful to classify your affair as a way of finding acceptance and understanding of your particular situation and the factors that it contains.

Simple Infidelity

Simple does mean easy. This is a straightforward case of infidelity with no complicating factors.

 

Compound Infidelity

Compound infidelity is where there are secondary or tertiary betrayals.

Known Affair Partner: If the partner is a friend or confident of yours, you will feel betrayed by your spouse and your friend. Both relationships were violated.

Multiple Partners: These are the serial cheaters. The betrayed has to face the knowledge that their partner has made the choice to cheat multiple times with many people. This may have gone on for years before it is discovered.

Children: If there are children in the marriage, there is a sense that the cheater betrayed the family, not just the spouse. If and when the kids learn of the betrayal, they may internalize it and blame themselves for their parent’s infidelity.

Financial Betrayal: This is where the cheater extends the lying to finances. Marital funds may have been used to fund the affair(s). It is another major breach of trust in the marriage.

 

Complex Infidelity

Complex infidelity is where there are complicating factors that can interfere with the betrayed’s ability to heal.

Abandonment: In many cases of spousal abandonment, the disappearing spouse has another partner at the ready. The betrayed has to face  the discovery of infidelity while alone and abandoned. Part of the pain in this case is the feeling of having your voice stolen as there is no spouse to talk to or even scream at.

Gaslighting: This is the type 4 cheater before he/she is caught. The unfaithful partner blames the spouse and make him or her feel crazy for noticing inconsistencies or signs of wrongdoing. This pattern slowly wears away at the confidence of the betrayed, causing them to question what is real and what is fabrication.

Illegitimate Child(ren): When the unfaithful partner has a child as a result of infidelity, it negates any chances of a clean break from the affair partner. In the case of n unfaithful wife, a man may discover that he has been raising another man’s child as his own. Regardless of the circumstances, there is now an innocent who is caught in the web of deceit.

Addiction: Addiction and infidelity are not uncommon partners. They both thrive on secrecy and lies. If there is addiction present, it makes it even more difficult to reestablish trust.

Compound-Complex Infidelity

This is the combination of two or more of the situations above.

 

Regardless of the nature of the infidelity, betrayal is one of the worst pains someone can experience. Unless you have felt its cutting edge, you cannot fathom the devastation of being stabbed by the one you embrace. It is possible to heal from betrayal and that healing has to start with acceptance. Recognize the complicating factors in your situation. Be aware of where you have control and where you do not. Distinguish between when you need to fight and when to let go.

Learning to trust after betrayal is not easy. Not only is there the struggle with trusting a new partner, but there is also the challenge of learning to trust your own instincts and perceptions, especially if you were unaware of the affair. The body and subconscious mind respond as though there is a threat even when the rational mind knows there is not. It takes patience and time and a willingness to face the discomfort. It’s not easy, but it is also not impossible.