Only one more week to enter to win a free copy of my book, Lessons From the End of a Marriage on Goodreads!
Them’s the Rules – A Blogging Year in Review
I am a rule follower in most areas of my life. But not in the blogging world. I don’t proofread (and I make lots of typos!:) ). I fail to spend time formatting pictures. And I’ll post multiple times in a day. Furthermore, I am absolutely horrendous at following the guidelines for awards (although I am eternally grateful to those of you who have graciously sent them my way). However, there is one blogging tradition that I feel like I just have to honor – the year in recap, especially since the one year anniversary of my blog coincides with the conclusion of 2012.
So, here goes – a look back at Lessons From the End of a Marriage 2012. I apologize in advance if I get this wrong. Again, I don’t follow the blogging rules so well:)
The Beginning
Last December, I spent some time with my friend Christian. I showed him the outline of the book which I had started two years prior and had just committed to finishing. He recommended that I start a blog as a way of pre-marketing the book. I knew nothing about blogging, so I downloaded two Kindle books on the subject – one free and one $.99 – and I set up my WordPress site that afternoon. I set a goal of posting at least three times a week, but I was intimidated by the thought of coming up with that many ideas.
I didn’t need to worry. The ideas just began to flow and I found myself posting daily. I found a rhythm of writing in the mornings and jotting down ideas throughout the day in a small spiral notebook I kept in my purse (no iPhone yet:) ). I started following other blogs and found myself pleasantly surprised at the supportive WordPress community. I was still working on the book and the blog was a great place to explore ideas and solidify the themes.
I experimented with Facebook and Twitter and tweaked my blog settings. I never really knew what I was doing; I simply did what felt right in the moment. Looking back, some of the posts makes me giggle and some make me cringe. But I’ll leave them – they are part of the history.
I learned the humor inherent in seeing how people found my site. My favorite search terms?
- lisa arends bigamy (This one always makes me giggle. I’m not the bigamist! 🙂 )
- monkey lifting weights (because of this post)
- shaved monkey (that would be this one – I guess my monkey mind titles are a little strange:))
- how to get away with bigamy (please – just say no!)
- happy birthday to my car (I felt weird when I wrote that title, but I guess I’m not the only one)
- goddess flexibility pics (uhmm…thanks but I’m no goddess and I’m not very flexible)
- math show sole (????)
- squish bikini (eww! there is a pic on here of me in a bikini, but I don’t consider myself to be super squishy)
- crying is okay here (yes it is)
- the joy of outdoor showering (I know I love it)
- who did mrs wayne dyer marry (I would hope Mr. Wayne Dyer)
I went into blogging with the idea of promoting a book. I had no idea that it (and writing) would become an inherent part of my life.
Key posts:
When is a Phone More Than a Phone?
Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues
Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Seperated
10 Things My Vibrams Taught Me About Relationships
The Importance of Love Mentors
Rebooting: Are You in Safe Mode?
What Set Theory Can Teach Us About Marriage
The Big Time
As I made my way into the blogging world, I found myself commenting on sites all over the net. Huffington Post was a frequent visit of mine and I often found that the articles in their “divorce” section spurred my own ideas, which I frequently left on their page. Then, in April, much to my surprise, I was asked to write a piece for them sharing my story.
And, oh what a ride that was. The piece went viral, sending over 20,000 visitors to my site in two days. It was cross-posted around the world in a variety of languages. The comments poured in. Most were shocked. Many were supportive. And some were hateful.
It was a strange feeling. Until that point, I had a relatively small and insular group of readers. I had kept my name hidden (thus stilllearning2b). My readers were supportive and understanding. The readers of Huff Post? Not so much. This was a crossroads for me – I had to decide if I wanted to pull back or go full force with my story, not knowing what the repercussions would be and having to thicken my skin in the process.
I think my choice is evident. I remembered my motivation to share in the first place – I didn’t want anyone to feel alone in their journey as I once did. I kept writing, adding more Huffington pieces and adding MindBodyGreen and others to the list.
Key Posts:
Check Out My Article in the Huffington Post!
8 Ways Yoga Supported Me Through Divorce
Have You Taken Out Your Mental Garbage?
The Book
By the end of July, the book was finally finished and ready to be published. I wondered if I would still feel the compulsion to write now that the project was complete. Again, I had nothing to worry about.
This period was when I really began to identify as a writer. I decided to be transparent in the process and share my story of self-publishing and writing for Huffington Post. The completion of the book also put me in a different place emotionally, and my posts began to focus more on present day rather than with wrestling demons from the past.
Key Posts:
When Can I Call Myself a Writer?
Adventures in Publishing, Part II
How to Become a Huffington Post Blogger
Write Yourself Through Divorce
Beyond Belief
Things exploded in the early fall. Another Huffington article went viral and I began to be contacted almost daily by producers. Most offers fell flat for one reason or another, but The Jeff Probst Show became a reality in September. It. Was. Surreal.
I had already exposed my identity to the internet, but now my “teacher persona” and “blogger persona” met for the first time. My coworkers read my book and approached me in the halls, giving me sympathetic hugs. My student’s parents sent me encouraging emails and engaged in whispered conversations at school events.
My little blog project wasn’t so little any more and it had grown well beyond what I could control. There was some anxiety associated with being so “out there.” It’s not always easy to have strangers comment on your life, your feelings and your actions.
Key Posts:
Lisa Arends on The Moffett Message
Marital Fraud: Questions Answered
The Blessings
I keep coming back to this. Every time I ponder pulling back, I receive an email or comment that helps me recommit to sharing. I have been so touched, so humbled and so inspired by the messages I receive or the posts I read from others who are surviving their own tsunamis. Additionally, I have found that writing reminds me of what I have in my life; it makes me grateful for what is rather than bitter for what was lost. I no longer feel alone. I am amazed at the supportive community that is all around us if we are willing to be vulnerable and show our pain. You guys are awesome:)
Key Posts:
This is a Test of the Emergency Rant System
Love After Divorce: A Reflection on a Journey
I am a planner by nature. It is somewhat uncomfortable for me to accept that I don’t know what 2013 will bring. So here’s to letting go of expectations, staying in the moment, practicing gratitude and sharing the love:) I wish all of you the happiest of new years!
More, Please
My cat has developed a poor habit of late. She herds us towards her dishes and yowls incessantly, asking for more even though her bowls contain adequate amounts of food and water. It’s like she looks at them but doesn’t believe them. She can only be silenced by the sound of the food in the container where we store it. A simple mock pour will placate her for a time until she yet again demands more of what she already has.
It’s an exasperating habit, especially since she seems to be most likely to share her anguish between the hours of two and four. In the morning.
I don’t know what drives her need: fear? confusion? greed? dominance? Or maybe she just finds humor in making her humans dance.
The act, regardless of its motivations, drives me crazy. But I can relate.
There are times in my life when I exclaim that I do not have enough instead of seeing what I actually have.
“I don’t have enough time.”
Yes I do. But this sentence shifts the responsibility off of me and onto the rapidity of the earth’s rotations. Clever, huh? What I really mean when I use this phrase is that the purposed actions are not important enough for me to make time. Time is there. It’s up to me how I allocate it. It’s also up to me to learn to take responsibility for that.
“I don’t have enough money.”
This one is fear talking. I have enough money to live, to pay my bills and have some fun. What I don’t have is enough money to sooth my anxiety, a fallback fund large enough to quell fears about the future. I’m (slowly) working to build that fund, but in the meantime, I can work on the fears, many of which are rooted in unreality.
“I don’t have enough stuff.”
Yup, confusion talking here. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the idea that happiness can be bought. I find myself flipping through catalogues or fighting the urge to hit the stores when I am unsettled in some way. Material goods will only distract for a short time. Happiness can only be found within. And, the reality? I have the stuff I need.
“I don’t have enough followers/likes/comments/book sales.”
Let’s be honest. It’s nice to have people want to hear what you have to say. It’s nice to be appreciated. respected. It’s nice, but it’s also a slippery slope. It’s easy to get carried away with the numbers game, only feeling validated when they reach some ever-increasing quantity. The problem then is that you never feel satisfied with what you have. I’m working on bringing my yogic mind to blogging and accepting what is rather than wasting energy wishing for more.
How often do we fail to see what we really have? How often do we wish for more than we need? Look at what you have before bemoaning what you want.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. My cat is yowling for more food.
Opening the Journal
Deep breath.
In many ways, this will be my most personal post yet. These are the thoughts, the words, that came in the first few weeks uncensored by the keyboard and unedited by time. I’m choosing to share this to reveal the underbelly of the healing process. I want to show that it is possible to move on from such pain and I want to highlight the importance of positive thinking and goal setting early on in the healing journey.
I started journaling on July 15, 2009, four days after I received the text.I learned about Uganda on July 20 and the bigamy on July 22. Much of the writing in the journal was done in the early months, as I transitioned to the computer during the late fall and winter.
I chose to divide my journal into three sections and made a rule that each writing session had to begin in section one and proceed through section three.
Section one: This was the space for the unedited vitriol. This was the anger, the poison. I knew I had to release it and there was oh so much to release. The writing is rapid, the angles harsh. I pressed so hard that I tore through the pages in spots. This was the domain of the broken heart.
Section Two: This was for the day to day thoughts and practicalities. It was designed for observation and problem solving. This was the domain of the rational mind.
Section Three: The final section was for dreaming. I let my mind focus on the infinite and wonderous possibilities that the future might hold. This was the domain of the spirit.
I have no idea how or why I decided to structure my journal this way. In retrospect, that was surprisingly lucid for my state at the time. Recent research supports this model, as they found that high ruminators (I’m not sure if I am this but I am definitely a high analyzer) benefited from a fact-based, mundane journal but suffered when rehashing the negative feelings over and over. My three part design and my insistence on not ending with the negativity allowed me to vent but kept me from getting stuck in the sadness and anger.
For those of you early on in your journey, I hope you can find recognition and some possibility in these entries. For those partway through, I hope you can find acceptance of the process and be patient with yourself. For those who have come out the other end, I hope that you will find encouragement for how far you have come. On of my biggest lessons in all of this is the enormity of the damage that can occur when you deny your feelings. My ex destroyed his life and impacted others because he refused to face his emotions and instead kept them locked away and hidden beneath a facade.
So, here goes. These are excerpts from the journal, in no particular order. Names have been blurred to protect identities. The highlights are from my work when I was writing the book. For those new to my site, please remember that this was 8 years ago. This is not the space I am currently in.
I can read these now with some distance. I remember the pain, yet time has dulled its sharpness to a mere whisper. I identify with the woman who wrote this; I can see traces of who she is going to become. I am no longer her; however, I don’t have the anger anymore that fills these pages. I have learned to soften and to accept. I have forgiven my ex and let go of the need for understanding. The messages of hope and the small celebrations make me smile. I almost wish I could reach back and give the me of those days a hug and tell her that it will be okay and that her hopes and dreams will come in time.
Confessions From a Book Voyeur
I have a confession to make.
I am a book voyeur.
Whenever I enter a space for the first time, I immediately scan the room for bookshelves. If my eyes are lucky enough to land upon shelves laden with tomes, I find myself pulled towards the books as surely as iron to a magnet. My head soon takes on that particular tilt used to read the turned titles and my hand gently glides along the spines. As I scan the selections, I am taking in information about their owner: interests, abandoned hobbies, areas of study, preferred escapes and future dreams. The books don’t waste time on small talk; each one is there for a purpose and that is communicated through its glossy cover.
Sometimes, even if I am in mid-conversation, I start to slide the books off the shelf, one at a time, and flip through them. If one catches my eye, I will sit cross-legged on the floor next to the bookshelf and I will begin to read. I have been known not to stop until the final page is turned.
My ex-husband and I had hundreds of books between us. We each had our own nonfiction libraries. Mine was filled with math and science books, his with graphic design and rendering texts. We had a co-mingled fiction library overrun with horror and scifi. When I left, I left most of that library behind, as I no longer had the space to store so many books. In the past few years, I have accumulated a small collection again. A collection that speaks to visitors about me.
Calculus& Trig books: I rescued some of the main books I used to use for tutoring from my old house. I haven’t tutored in the past 3 years, but it is always a fallback income. I also have a full collection of math books (algebra & geometry) in my classroom.
Mary Roach’s books: These are the only other rescues. I had just discovered her when my ex left and I couldn’t bear to part with them yet.
Nutrition and wellness texts: These were from my certification program to become a nutrition and wellness coach.
The Lucifer Principle: I picked this up in the bargain aisle at Barnes and Noble while waiting for a date.
Javascript: This was a gift from my dad as I was exploring career options post-divorce. I made it about 1/3 of the way through (doing the exercises along the way) and I fully intend to complete the program.
Shift : I love this book. I use its ideas with coaching clients all the time.
Growing Through Divorce :The only divorce themed book on my shelf, other than mine:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage: Still feels strange to see my dream in paperback.
The Sociopath Next Door: The first reading I did that gave me something to think about regarding my ex’s mental state.
Hiking and camping books: Duh. You can’t tell me you’re surprised? 🙂
Dictionary: I usually use the one on the computer, but I sometimes like to read the real version for fun. Nerd alert #1.
Stephen Hawkins: Nerd alert #2.
Stephen King: He has been my favorite author since I was 10. I used to have the entire collection. Now, I have two real books and many more on my Kindle. I love his blend of gritty reality and fantasy.
In Search of the Warrior Spirit: This is one that Brock loaned me that ended up in my collection. All his reading centers on martial arts, survival, and training. He directs some of them my way and I’m often surprised to find how much I relate. I love how he and I learn parallel lessons through different avenues.
Dean Koontz and Six Degrees of Separation: Nope, not related except that I bought them from the same used book store on an emergency book run while on a visit to San Antonio.
Nicholas Evans – The Divide: Waaaay out of my usual genre. This was snatched from my mom’s bookshelf on that same trip. This is why I love my Kindle so much – I never have to worry about running out of books again:)
Seattle books: These were a gift from my dad when I was planning on moving to the rainy city.
The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao: This was a hand me down from a guy I briefly dated.
Mental Floss’s History of the World: I love Mental Floss’s brand of intellectual entertainment. My mom bought this for me from the Carlos Museum’s gift shop while she was in Atlanta for a visit.
During our first holiday season together, Brock grew tired of the spread of books that followed me around his house. He bought me a Kindle, expecting that small tablet would eliminate the literary clutter. Much to his dismay, for the first year or so, it was simply another book, keeping the library loans company. In time, however, I have shifted my reading habits. The library now offers Kindle loans and Amazon always has a selection of free reads. I rarely read print books anymore. This works well for me. It saves space, time, and wrist strength. I thought I would miss the tangible feel of the paper and the distinctive odor that belies the age of the pages, but I do not. What I do miss is the decreasing ability to scan bookshelves. I have no shame in handling the books of a near-stranger, but I would never dream of pursuing the menu of someone’s e-reader of choice. Our choice of books has become more private even as we increasingly live our lives openly online.
Consider yourself warned. If I ever find myself invited into your space, your medicine cabinet is safe. You can trust me with your wallet or your kids. But you might need to watch me around your books:) After all, it’s only fair. I showed you mine.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 