Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through.

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris

Ego:

the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought. (from dictionary.com)
Ever since we first begin to see ourselves as separate, sentient beings in childhood, our egos define how we interpret the world around us.  That sense of self may actually be holding you back from healing from your divorce.  Do you see yourself in any of the following patterns?
It’s All About Me
When I first realized the extent of my husband’s betrayals, I kept asking, “How could he do this to me? To the one he was supposed to love?”  I saw his actions directed towards me as an arrow towards a target.  I assumed he was thinking about me as he made these decisions.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me.  He stole from me. That pattern kept me fully anchored in a victim state, the recipient of all the pain and deceptions.
Slowly, I realized that it wasn’t all about me.  He lied and cheated and stole, yes.  But he did those things because of whatever demons had him in their grasp.  He didn’t do those things because of me.  He most likely wasn’t even thinking of me while they occurred.  He did them and I was in the way.
I shifted my thinking. When he hurt me, he was acting to protect his own sense of self rather than trying to wound mine.  I began to let the anger go.
It is not easy to remove the ego from interpreting the actions of one so intimate to you. Try looking at the situation with an open mind, letting go of your own ego, and see how your perspective shifts.
The Reflective Ego Shield
Our egos are vulnerable beings; they often cover themselves in highly reflective shields, deflecting any criticism and shining it back at its source.  I used to get very defensive when anyone suggested that I had a hand in my husband’s actions.  I would retaliate, lashing out at them as I tightened the stays on the armor protecting my ego.  It was a very scary proposition to let some of that armor go and to examine what was shielded underneath.  I learned the role that my own insecurities and anxieties played in the end of my marriage.  Instead of reflecting all of the responsibility on him, I took my share.
There is a difference between taking responsibility for your own actions and taking the blame for another’s actions.  If you are carrying your own reflective shield, try lowering it and examining what lies beneath.
The Hidden Wounds
The ego doesn’t like to show its vulnerabilities.  When asked, “How are you doing?,” the ego always answers, “Fine.”
I remember how many times I falsely spoke that word in those early months.  Much of that time, I wasn’t “fine,” I was angry, sad, bitter, anxious, sick, and disconnected.  But I also didn’t want to reveal those wounds.  To let the world see the depth of my pain. I kept it covered with a band-aid of “fine.”
Your wounds cannot heal unless they are exposed to the air.  The bandage can remain on to protect your injuries from the world at large, but you remove them when are in a safe place to let the healing begin.
Ego as Strongman
Our egos are a bit like young meatheads in a gym.  Flexing in the mirror, wanting to appear strong and capable amongst the others.  This means that sometimes we will try to lift more than we can without asking for assistance.  And, just like in the weight room, this can only lead to disaster.
Prior to my husband’s David Copperfield act, I was horrible at asking for and receiving assistance.  In fact, that was actually one of the points of contentions in my marriage; I always made it clear that I could do it alone.  I guess he wanted to prove me right.  Regardless, I made things so much more difficult than they ever needed to be by denying offered help and refusing to ask for help when it was needed.
Are you acting like the young man in the gym?  Ask for a spotter and you’ll not only gain the respect of those around you, but you will also be able to lift more than you ever thought possible.
Our egos tend to operate below our conscious thought.  After all, they are us.  And they are often the biggest barriers in our way.
Pardon me, ego.  I need to get through.

Shift Happens

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Child's Pose (relaxation) Български: Баласана/...

I do an 1 1/2 hour power 2 hot yoga class on Sunday mornings.  I have attended this class regularly since January, but it still takes me right to the edge of what I can endure.  Yesterday’s class was an interesting lesson for me.  I went into the class physically prepared: hydrated, rested, not too sore from the sprints the day before, ad breakfast was on board, but not a recent memory.  I should have had an easy go of it.

The mind said otherwise.

As I moved through the familiar vinyasas at the start of class, I could feel my breath hitch and stutter, my mind interpreting that as an indicator of panic.  Here I was, on a familiar mat in a familiar room, and my body-mind was becoming convinced that I was in some sort of imminent danger.  I began to feel light-headed as the breath deteriorated further; I was losing balance in simple poses.  All signals were screaming, “Get out!”

I chose to acknowledge them and ignore them.  Instead of leaving the sweltering confines of the practice room, I gently folded my body into child’s pose to rest.  I laid there for several minutes while the class moved and grunted around me, continuing to press their bodies into position.  I simply breathed.  I had to work to tell my mind that it was okay to rest, acceptable to take a break and miss part of the class.  I stayed there until my breath was smooth again and my heart beat was less evident against my ribcage.  I stayed there until my mind shifted from fear to acceptance.  From fight to relaxation.  From flight to stillness.

When I pushed back up into down dog to continue the flow, I felt revitalized and refreshed, even as the sweat poured down my frame.  I went on to have a wonderful practice, even moving further into difficult (for me anyway!) poses than I had in the past.

Shift happened.

Know that your current situation and perspective is temporary.  If you are unhappy with your current state, stay with it, but do not nurture it.  Acknowledge it, but do not be consumed by it.  Accept it, but do not run to it with open arms.  Guide your mind to soften and remind your body to breathe.  Shift will happen.

There’s No Shame in Asking for Help

Posted on by stilllearning2b

"A Helping Hand". 1881 painting by E...

I have always been very independent.  As a very young (and short) child, I would use household objects as tool in order to reach the light switches so that I would not have to depend upon anyone else.  Overall, I believe that this trait has served me well.  Until I got divorced, that is.  Those first few weeks were hell on my body.  I could not eat, causing my already slim frame to waste away to nothing.  My ribs stood out in relief along my back.  My body was racked with tremors, the anxiety too much for mere flesh and bones to contain.  I did not sleep; my body refused to rest.

Those around me encouraged me to try medication.  I resisted.  I was determined to do this alone, without the aid of a pharmacy.  Eventually, my body made the decision for me as days moved into weeks and I saw no improvement.  I ended up with some substantial medication to help me eat and sleep (300 mg Trazadone, if you’re keeping count…and I could still push through that on many nights).  I found peace with my decision to accept pharmaceutical assistance.  Those pills allowed my body to function for the first 8 months.  I let them go when I was able to go solo again.

There is no shame is asking for help.  We accept the fact that those at the at the end of life and those at the beginning of life require assistance, yet we somehow believe that adults should be able to be independent.  Divorce is the death of one life and the infancy of another.  You will need help.

Here are three sources of help you may find you need:

1) Therapy

Depending upon your situation, your prior coping skills, and your support system, you may be in need of therapy.  That is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you are crazy.  You are going through one of the most stressful events that one can endure and you may not be prepared to handle it on your own.  A therapist can be your guide down the road to healing.  Don’t be afraid to try different approaches and different people until you find what works for you.

2) Medication

I had to face the difficult lesson that sometimes you can’t fix your body through sheer will.  Medication may need to be investigated if you are unable to sleep or eat for a significant period or if sadness or anxiety are completely overwhelming.  I know I was afraid of triggering dependency, as I felt that I was in a very vulnerable place.  I discussed this with my doctor and so medications were chosen that were not considered high risk for abuse.

3) Time

Divorce is exhausting.  Adding to that, you have to adapt to your new responsibilities, navigate the court system, and somehow find time to process the whole mess.  This is a time when taking some leave from work is acceptable; your self-work needs to take priority for a while.  If you are parent, ask someone to watch the kids so that you can have some time alone.

It is far better to temporarily suffer the embarrassment and discomfort of asking for help than to permanently suffer in silence.  Ask for a hand, and let it guide you through.

Why I Run

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I run not to get away,  but to get through.

I run not to become out of breath, but to gain breath.

I run to be social and I run for solitude.

I run to connect and I run to disconnect.

I run not to avoid work, but to inspire work.

I run to feel empowered and I run to remind myself that I am still weak.

I run to meditate and I run to ruminate.

I run not to lose weight, but to gain balance.

I run because it is what I do.

Because I run, I can be who I am.

And that is why I run.

Taming the Monkey Mind: Experimenting on the Monkey

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Mr. Sandmonkey (78/365)

What?  You didn’t think that my ruminations on my monkey mind were going away just because I completed the 28 day challenge, did you?  Of course not; this monkey demands attention and gets ornery if he’s ignored for too long.

First, a disclaimer:  No monkeys were harmed or experimented on in the making of this post.  You can go ahead and back off now, PETA.

When I undertook this meditation challenge, I was most concerned about staying with daily practice.  In the past, I had slid out of the habit faster than my work clothes at the end of a hard day.  But, that hasn’t been the case on the go-round.  I dutifully meditate every day for at least a few focused minutes.  I do it without thinking.  It has become habit.

Get it?

For some reason, this bothers me a bit.  Maybe I’m overthinking this (totally possible given my analytical nature), but it seems like I should be mindful about mindfulness.  Intentional.  For a time, I was experimenting with different guided meditations, various chants, and assorted music.  I did walking meditations and silent meditations.  I feel like I’ve turned it over to autopilot recently.  I tend to go for the same chant generated by the same app, plug in the same headphones, lie on the same spot, and just go.

Is this good?  I am practicing, after all.  I can’t help but feel like I’m slighting my monkey; however.  If I don’t actively pursue different options and continue to read about meditation, am I stunting my monkey’s growth?  Or, by reading and studying, am I distracting myself from what is really important; focusing too much on the “doing” rather than “being”?  Maybe my discomfort with the status quo is arising from the fact that I am still learning to BE.

I think I’ll go meditate.

Namaste.

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