What is a Tsunami Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Tsunami hazard sign

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted.  A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction.  The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation.  Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce.  The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage.  These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.

 

What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted.  Others in their lives may echo this sentiment.  It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror.  The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.

 

How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?

Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration.  This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go.  There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home.  There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments.  One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind.  This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing.  On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.

In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden.  The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  There are no painful discussions.  In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though their voice has been stolen.  There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.

 

What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?

1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system.  Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild.  Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.

 

Struggling to recover after being flattened by your own tsunami? Learn how to surf the overwhelming wave.

 

You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

 

 

How to Surf a Tsunami

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Restoration after a sudden trauma is not easy, but it is possible. In fact, you can even learn how to surf your tsunami, moving through it with skill and grace.

 

Many of us will face a personal tsunami at some point in our lives. We will be felled by a great wave bringing with it sudden change and loss. Perhaps your tsunami is in the form of the death of a loved one, maybe it is the loss of a job or a way of life or possibly you have lost the health you took for granted. My own tsunami was in the form of an unexpected divorce after being abandoned via a text message.

Regardless of the nature of your abrupt trauma, tsunamis have some common characteristics. By their nature, tsunamis are difficult to predict and even harder to prepare for. You have to face the realization that you cannot control your surroundings. The world that you knew is gone, swept away in a single move. You feel disoriented as you try to navigate this new realm.

Soon after the trauma, it feels like it will be impossible to rebuild. The odds seem insurmountable. The shock and grief permeate everything and make every move a struggle. Restoration after a sudden trauma is not easy, but it is possible. In fact, you can even learn how to surf your tsunami, moving through it with skill and grace.

The following are my healing tips for anyone who has been flattened by a tsunami.

 

Breathe

The blow of sudden trauma is physical. The body tenses as if anticipating another blow. The breath is the first to suffer; it becomes shallow and rapid behind a breast wrapped tight in a straightjacket of sorrow. Release it. It won’t be easy and it won’t be automatic, at least in the beginning. Set a reminder on your phone or computer to take several deep breaths at least once an hour. As long as the body is anticipating another blow, the mind will be as well. Sometimes it’s easier to train the body and allow the mind to follow.

Recognize the Moment

Understand that the way you feel right now is the way you feel right now. It is not how you will feel next year. It is not how you will feel tomorrow. In fact, it’s not even how you will feel in five minutes. Everything changes, including suffering. Just the realization that the current feeling is temporary makes it a little easier not to panic and feel as though you are drowning.

 

Goals

You are in the midst of change you did not ask for and did not want; however, that does not mean that you should simply throw yourself to the mercy of the sea. Take some time to think about what you want in your life. Formulate some goals — long-term or short-term, easy or next-to-impossible. It doesn’t matter; you can always change them. For now, it’s important simply to write them down and post them as a motivator during those difficult moments.

 

Mentors

After a tsunami, it is so easy to feel alone. It is tempting to curl up and hide in an attempt to protect yourself from further harm. You are not alone. There are others who can relate. Others who have been where you are and have rebuilt. Others who can extend a hand and help you find your way. These mentors may be in your life already or they may take the form of a counselor or pastor or even a group online. Accept their help — a difficult task is always made easier with assistance.

 

Patience

It’s hard to accept that everything can be destroyed in a blink yet it can take a lifetime to rebuild. Healing cannot be forced. It is not a task suited to lowering one’s head and barreling through. Healing is not linear. A bad day may follow a good one. Be gently persistent with yourself. Keep in mind where you want to be, but accept where you are.

 

Balm Squad

Assemble your balm squad — people and things that soothe you and bring you comfort. Fill your space with items that bring a sense of peace or joy. Take the time to visit places that make you feel good. Most importantly, seek out others that support you and encourage you. They are your best balm of all.

 

Restoration vs. Recreation

It’s easy to slip into the dangerous waters of “what if,” replaying the past and trying to find an alternate action that would have averted the tsunami. It’s easy but it’s also a dangerous game. What you had is gone. Healing has to begin with that understanding. Rather than try to recreate what was, focus on restoring a life. Just because it is different does not mean that it cannot be as good. Or even better!

 

Nourishment

Take care of yourself. Nourish your body with healthy foods and exercise. Make sure you’re sleeping. Nourish your mind with loving thoughts. Don’t be ashamed to ask a doctor for help if you need it. Medications can help to reset eating, sleeping and thought patterns when we cannot yet do it for ourselves. Your basic needs must be met before you will be able to work on healing.

 

Mindful Escape

When you are facing sudden trauma, it is easy to try to run away and escape your painful reality. You may seek oblivion in alcohol, video games, gambling, dating or media. You will need a break sometimes; it is okay to submerge yourself in distractions occasionally. However, be sure that you escape mindfully. Be present and aware so that you do not allow the distraction to become a habit because when you are in a weakened state, those habits have a way of consuming you.

 

Spin Doctor

Your trauma has a story, a tale that you most likely have spun again and again with you as the victim of the tsunami. Look at yourself as your own publicist, a spin doctor of your story. How can you rewrite your tragedy so that it is not all suffering? What can you be thankful for? What have you gained as a result of your loss? It will feel strange and even traitorous to find gratitude within your loss, but it can help you move beyond the pain.

 

Release

Find your outlets for release and restoration. Maybe you feel restored by playing with a baby or dog. Or, perhaps you are called to take a long walk in the fading sun. Maybe it’s a favorite yoga class or a certain sitcom that liberates you from the pain. You can never have too many avenues that provide freedom from the suffering; collect these outlets and apply them generously.

 

Don’t Wait

Healing from a tsunami is a difficult path. Don’t wait to live until you are healed; it is okay to find happiness along the way.

The trick to surfing a tsunami is not in trying to control the wave but in learning to how to flow through it.

 

We Want Them to Fight For Us

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We Want Them to Fight For Us

 

When it comes down to being cheated on, I think that was the hardest thing-

That he didn’t see the marriage – didn’t see ME – as something worth fighting for. 

 

I remember reading stories from people who had unfaithful partners who confessed and condemned their own actions, throwing themselves into recovery. I heard about spouses who had made mistakes and once they realized the magnitude of what they were about to lose, fought like hell to keep it. I learned about the pain of relapse and the struggle to again trust the one that betrayed you. I devoured stories of ugly screaming matches, emotions running high as both partners grappled with the magnitude of the shockwave to the relationship.

I envied those people. 

Because my husband never fought at all. 

 

We think we want them to fight for us. But what we really want is for them to WANT to fight for us.

At first, I grew desperate. Even though he refused contact, I sent emails and text messages begging for him to respond to me. To talk to me. I pleaded with him over voice mail, “Please just talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

I never got a response.

It’s natural to panic when we fear we are losing our grip. We beg, we plead, we grow irrational. We believe that if we can just hold tightly enough, that we won’t lose them. 

And it almost always backfires. 

For some, it pushes them away, desperation as repellent. For others, seeing us so panicky makes them feel guilty and, by extension, uncomfortable. And so they try to fight, putting on a good face. But they’re not really fighting for us, they’re playacting to keep us from fighting against them. It’s a hollow victory.

 

When they don’t fight for us, it makes us question our value. 

As the desperation morphed into a begrudging acknowledgement, I grew despondent. This man that fought for so much in his life, refused to even pick up a phone for his wife. For me. Did that mean that I was worth less than his job, his hobbies or, of course, the affair partner?

All I could assume was that, according to his calculus, losing me was not a loss. Which set my value at zero. 

It’s natural for us to see ourselves reflected in our partner. But when they become twisted, that reflection is no longer accurate. They benefit from projection, from painting us as being less than we are in order to pretend to be greater than they are. What they lack, they try to steal from us. 

Perhaps their unwillingness to fight, to face the consequences, is more a reflection of their character and cowardice than of our worth. 

 

When we believe that divorce is not an option, their unwillingness to fight for the marriage makes us feel like a failure. 

When I was in the midst of divorce, I had so many people say to me that, in their marriage, divorce was not an option. 

Well, it wasn’t an option to me either. Until it became a necessity. 

It takes two to make a marriage work, and only one to destroy it.

If you’re the only one fighting to save it, there is nothing to save.

But we don’t give up easily, do we? It’s so hard to accept that they’re not doing their part and that no matter how much we try, we cannot do their part for them. That sometimes, accepting it’s over isn’t quitting, it’s taking care of ourselves.

 

We cannot make them fight for us.

But we can fight for ourselves.

To believe in our worth and settle for nothing less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feels Like I’ve Been Here Before

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I keep getting the strange sense of deja vu.

Feeling like I’ve been here before.

Which is crazy on the surface of things. After all, this is a global pandemic, the likes of which have not been seen for 100 years.

None of us have been here before.

Yet, for those of us who have been through one or more of those life-altering moments – the discovery of infidelity, abandonment, sudden and profound loss – this may feel strangely familiar. After all, we know what it’s like to wake one morning to discover that the world we knew, the world which we trusted to ground us, no longer exists.

We are familiar with the grief that sneaks up and tugs at our guts when we’re not paying attention. And we are no longer surprised when we grieve the small things as much as the big ones.

We’ve experienced that strange sense of disbelief, of thinking that somehow this is all just a tragic mistake and that the reality we knew simply needs to be recovered.

We know the fear that comes with the uncertainty and the deep craving to return to a sense of safety. And we know that over time the belief things will return to normal is replaced with an acceptance that a sense of peace only comes once we’ve adapted to the new situation.

We’ve lived through that life turned upside-down, where the normally innocuous things have become threats hidden around every corner.

We’ve endured those long nights wishing things could be different before we dry our tears and pledge to focus on what we can control. And we learn both how small our influence is and also how powerful it can be.

We’ve tried to run away from our pain in the hope that we can distract our way out of it only to find that it cannot be outrun.

We’ve been through those moments of utter defeat when we feel like we’re not strong enough to get through this, only somehow we manage to make it through that day. And then the next.

This may be new. You haven’t been through this challenge yet.

But you’ve made it through others.

You know what to do.

 

What One-Star Reviews Can Teach Us About Personal Rejection

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I recently discovered (and have been devouring) a new-to-me author, Christian Galacar, who is often compared to Stephen King. After I finished my first download of his, I visited the Amazon page to learn more about him and what else he had published. I soon found myself going down the rabbit hole of reading some of the hundreds of posted reviews about the book.

Most were positive. The majority were fair.

And then there were the reviews that accompanied a single star.

And most of those were utter nonsense.

They were interesting reading because they had no emotional associations for me, I could scan them for generalizations and patterns. And in doing so, I realized that there is much in common with these one-star reviews and rejection in personal relationships –

 

One-Star Review Reason – “I haven’t used this product or service.”

I’m planning on surprising my husband with dinner at a local place that promises to serve Maryland-style crab cakes. Since I have never been there, I checked them out online to get a better sense of the establishment. I ran across a one-star review by a woman who admitted to never never eating at the restaurant and then proceeded to slam them for everything from food quality to service. Ummm…. what?

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I was never present in the relationship.”

“We’re just not connecting,” they may say, ignoring the fact that they haven’t even looked in your direction in months. They are quick to blame you and even quicker to ignore the fact that their claims are based on assumptions.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I don’t like this type of thing.”

One of the poor reviews for my new author obsession mentioned that the reader doesn’t appreciate horror novels. Yet they proceeded to download – and negatively review – a book that is clearly marketed as horror. Completely confusing personal preference as being a sign of poor quality.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I don’t like this type of person.”

If we give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were not aware of their preferences in the beginning. Or maybe they thought that other qualities would somehow make this other thing not matter. Regardless, they made a poor choice for their needs or wants in the beginning and then tried to pass it off as being your fault.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I always give one-star reviews.”

For our recent vacation, I perused many Tripadvisor reviews. Before I gave a one-star review any credence, I checked the poster’s other reviews. And oftentimes, I noted that they were all negative. Some people are simply never happy, even when they’re on vacation.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I’m never satisfied in a relationship.”

And what’s the common denominator here? Hmmm. If they are never happy, that’s on them. Not you.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “I can’t get beyond…”

Maybe the food was amazing, but the server seemed a little distracted. Or, the book was amazing but the ending didn’t meet expectations. Whatever the reasons, these reviewers allow one element to taint the entire experience.

Personal Rejection Equivalent – “I expect perfection and have trouble letting go of mistakes.”

This is the person with unrealistic expectations who also likes to hold a grudge. That one time you forgot to pick up milk at the grocery store two years ago? I bet you’re still hearing about it. No matter how much you try to please this person, it will always feel like playing Whack-a-Mole.

_______

One-Star Review Reason – “Through my lens…”

When I first started sharing publicly, the reviews and comments often gutted me. Except this style, which simply confused me at the beginning. “You never showed your husband any affection or attention. It’s no wonder he left you. What did you expect him to do? Live in a loveless marriage unhappy for the rest of his life?” Huh? This in no way described or marriage or matched what I had shared. And then it dawned on me – this man wasn’t really reviewing me. He was reviewing his ex-wife.

Personal Rejection Reason – “I feel this, therefore you feel this.”

Ah, projection. Our old friend. It’s a convenient way to avoid responsibility.

 

Most things in life – and that includes relationships – are neither one-star or five-star. Most things exist in the between, a mixture of both good and bad. There are things to critique and improve upon and also things to recognize and celebrate. And anyone who claims otherwise is either selling something, hiding something or trying to avoid something.