Sides Effects of Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you have been betrayed, your world view forever shifts. Motives are questions. Secrets are assumed. Nothing is as it seems.

You want to trust but you don’t know how. You feel victimized and either accept that role in defeat or desperately search for control and assurance that you will never be a victim again.

It’s oh-so-easy to keep moving beyond the betrayal without fully addressing its impact. To attribute future struggles to something (or someone) else when it is really your soul still keening from the lies and the loss.

When I first saw this article on Psychology Today, When Disappointment Feels Like Betrayal, I was skeptical.

And then I read it.

And I related.

When you have been betrayed, the pump has been primed to assume betrayal.

Even when it is just life with its usual ups and downs.

Be on alert for the monster but don’t go stabbing at every creak on the stairs.

 

Do You Ever Hear That Voice?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever hear that voice? The one that tells you that you’re not (good/smart/strong/thin/pretty/rich) enough?

The voice that finds your insecurities and broadcasts them back to you?

The voice that makes you question your choices. Your life. Your worth.

Do you ever hear it? Do you listen?

I’ve been listening to it lately.

It started innocently enough. I needed to buy a new pair of sandals to replace a pair that self-destructed. I made a stop at the shoe store on my way to gym. At the store, I took off my gym shoes and peeled off my socks only to discover that the polish on my toenails was chipped and half rubbed off (the natural consequence of spending more time running than on toe painting).

I looked up and noticed that all of the other women in the store were perfectly polished – nails and otherwise.

I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed.

The voice whispered to me that I was not good enough.

I got over it enough to locate a pair of sandals and escape to gym, where I thought I would be safe.

But the voice followed.

It watched the other women in the gym and was quick to point out comparisons.

“Look at that! She can squat 140 pounds. You can’t do that!”

“Oh, look. She’s wearing that cute Athleta outfit you wanted. Too bad you only have your old race t-shirt on.”

“Look at her form on leg lifts! You’ll never be flexible enough to do that.”

Over the next couple weeks, the voice was like a malignant parrot on my shoulder. I’d shake it off for a time, but it kept coming home to roost. It seemed to feel the need to comment on every area of my life:

When a pair of shorts I wore last summer wouldn’t quite make the journey over my hips, “Well, look at that. Getting a little chunky there, are we?”

When one of my students complained about a boring lesson, “Wow, you can’t even make M&Ms entertaining. That’s pretty bad.”

When I looked at my book sales and saw that they had slipped, “What did you expect? It’s not like you’re any good at this.”

When another week went by and I hadn’t finished a piece I started for Huffpo, “You’re just a fraud anyways. Just give up on it.”

Yesterday, after more than a week of this verbal abuse by my own critical mind, I decided I would take some action. I stopped at Walmart on the way to yoga, thinking that some new makeup would do the trick. Maybe eye liner has some magical gag order action. The eyeliner is nice (and much easier to apply than the broken, stubby pencil I had been using that always threatened to leave splinters along with its color) but it didn’t shut up the voice.

That’s because I was allowing the voice to distract me from the true insecurities.

I wasn’t really upset about unpainted toenails or curvier hips.

It’s bigger than that.

The life of a teacher has a rhythm: frantic action in August and September settle into a routine that slowly builds in intensity until it peaks in May. And then we breathe.

Except I’m not content to simply breathe.

I’m not content to simply be a teacher.

I want more.

But I don’t know how.

Last summer, I was singularly focused on finishing the book and getting the wellness coaching business up and running.

I succeeded on both fronts.

This year, I have so much I want to do.

But I also have doubts. Am I wasting my time and energy? Which paths do I explore and which should I ignore?

Last summer, I posted four small bulletin boards above my desk, labeled body (marathon training), book (notes, etc. for writing it), blog (goals and post ideas) and business (goals and info for the coaching). I have not altered the boards much since the summer. As I look through the pages tacked to the squares, I realize that I am accomplished most of what I intended last summer.

So why is it not enough?

photo-238

Change is scary. Risk is scarier still. My inner critic is telling me to maintain the status quo, to not dare to post bigger goals and intentions. The voice tells me not to try so that I do not risk failure.

Today, I am telling my inner voice to shove it.

I am dedicating today to rebuilding my boards. I am committing to posting bigger goals and aspirations than before. I am pledging to sort through my ideas and clarify my paths. I am promising to use those boards as inspiration and motivation this summer.

So, yeah, I hear that voice. But today, I’m telling it to shut up. After I paint my toenails, that is:)

(This post makes me think of that old SNL skit with Stewart Smally: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.” 🙂 )

Thought Patterns

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The way we pattern our thoughts has an enormous impact on our mental health and happiness. Thought patterns can be divided into two main categories. I’m going to call these recursive and input-output. A note to those who are math-phobic: I am going to use some math concepts to explain these thinking patterns. Stay with me; I promise I’ll make it simple:)

Recursive Thinking

In math, we can look at functions (think of these like a rule or pattern) recursively by only considering the output. The rule ignores the input completely and only considers the starting output and the pattern to get from one term to the next. For example, in the table below, the rule would say, “Start with 12 and add 3 each time.” Recursive rules feed upon themselves, with each output based on the one before. They are like a chain, with each term linked to the one before and the one after.

InputIn recursive thinking, your thought pattern is initiated by something: a memory, a trauma, a comment. Your thoughts then feed upon themselves with no regard for any external input. This type of thinking can lead to depression or anxiety as the brain simply continues the emotionally equivalent of “plus 3” with no end in sight. When you feel stuck emotionally, this is the type of pattern you are experiencing. When your reaction builds well beyond the initial stimulus, you are thinking recursively. When you feel sad or angry or anxious even in the face of calm, you are allowing the chain of thought to continue unbroken.

Input-Output Thinking

An input-output rule in math relates the output to the input. For example, in the (identical) table below, the input-output rule would say, “Multiply the input by 3 and add 9.” The output is dependent upon the input. Change the input, and you alter the output.

In input-output thinking, your reactions are based upon the external stimulus rather than your previous thoughts. You may be sad, but the emotion and associated thought patterns are due to your situation. You may respond in anger or feel fear but these are due to the inputs you experience. If you change the input, the associated thoughts will change with it.

Recursion is easy, effortless – which is why it is so valuable in computer programming. Its endless loops create the self-similarity needed for programs to run unaltered. Recursive thinking can be beneficial when it is positive in nature, but all too often it is the negative thoughts that pull us into its pattern.

Recursion has a weakness. Since each output is dependent upon the one before, if you break the chain, you break the pattern. If you catch yourself in this cycling thought pattern, find a way to interrupt the flow. Do something differently to break the cycle. Whatever you normally do or say, don’t. Recursion requires a hands-off approach to survive. So get your hands dirty and change it.

Then, consciously shift your thinking to input-output and deliberately choose positive inputs to encourage positive outputs. Surround yourself with nature, connect with friends, do something that feels good. Change the input and your thoughts will follow.

Input

EnLISTed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Part of my daily routine involves reading. A lot of reading. I come by this honestly; both of my parents are avid readers and seekers of information. Hardly a day goes by without at least one of them sending me a link to an article or with me sending one their way. Luckily, most of this is done electronically now, but I still occasionally receive envelopes from my mother that are stuffed with sticky note-laden newspaper and magazine clippings. I love receiving these shared articles (although, I admit to preferring the electronic versions). They are a form of communication and they often stimulate thought and conversation.

Today, I’m sharing my articles with you. All six of these take the form of lists, making them easy to read and digest. I hope you find some valuable nuggets within and please share them with others that you feel may benefit from being enLISTed:)

Heartbroken? Trips to Take the Edge Off 

I’ll admit, when this title came across my news feed yesterday, I ignored it. Actually, I passed it by several times. I expected some drivel about exotic vacations that no mere mortal could afford, especially on the heels of a divorce. I’m glad I ignored my doubting inner voice; there is some good information here and some ideas that don’t require that you win the lottery.

4 Questions Life Coaches Want You to Ask Yourself

Love, love love the shift from “fear” to “alertness.” This is one of concepts that resonated with me big time and I know I will come back to time and time again.

Four Main Reasons Couple’s Therapy Fails

I see couple’s therapy sort of like tutoring. When a parent brings me a child to tutor who is struggling, yet willing to work and open to new ideas, I can make a difference. Tutoring, however, is not a panacea. Simply showing up and writing the check won’t fix a thing. I think this is a good list to read prior to working with a therapist to make sure that you are honest with yourself and that your therapist is a good fit.

23 Self Defeating Games That You Might Not Know You Are Playing

I think this author was reading my mind. How many of these do you relate to? When we are aware of our mental chatter, we can begin to change the dialog. It also helped me recognize and understand games that those around me play.

Ten Things Your Relationship Needs to Thrive

I’ve seen many of the “things your relationship needs” lists, but this is my favorite. It’s both practical and meaningful without being difficult to understand or implement. It’s a good list to keep as a reminder of what you want and where to focus.

Five Ways to Deal With the Blindsided Breakup

The surprise ending makes for a good book or movie but isn’t a pleasant addition to a relationship. This list acknowledges the particular difficulties that occur when you didn’t see it coming. The suggestion about the unrelated goal is one I often give to people – “Do something with a finish line.” My first race ever was a few months after he left. It showed me that I was strong enough even when I felt like I couldn’t take one more step.

 

 

Mental Rehearsal vs. Expectations

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What is the difference between mental rehearsal of an event and creating expectations for the event?

All in the Mind (novel)
Image via Wikipedia

There has been quite a bit of research and discourse in the last few years about the nature and benefits of mental rehearsal for athletes and others in positions that require a demanding and skilled physical performance. They are trained to visualized their body working efficiently, picture themselves executing each move perfectly, and feel their mind and body in perfect harmony.

These visualization techniques have since been applied to other areas, demonstrating that mental rehearsal can be a powerful tool for success.  Cancer patients picture their T-cells squashing the invading cancer.  Surgeons mentally rehearse each step of a complicated procedure countless times before even touching the scalpel.  Public speakers view themselves giving their presentation, calm and confident.

For those undergoing a major life transition, visualization can help to calm anxiety and provide hope for the future.  You can mentally rehearse for your time in court, visualize yourself becoming whole and happy, see yourself in a new relationship.  All of this mental energy can help you on your path to healing.

In all cases, the most important aspect of visualization as a technique to improve performance or outcomes, is that is effectiveness depends upon one’s ability to be self-aware and monitor one’s responses to stimuli.

It is important to note, that in all of these examples, the strategy of mental rehearsal focuses on the individual’s performance, not the behaviors of those around him or her.  That is the primary distinction between mental rehearsal and expectations; the former depends upon actions that are largely under your control, whereas the latter is subject to the behaviors of others not under your jurisdiction.

It is all too easy to spend our mental energies building expectations.  This strategy will only lead to disappointment; however, as others can never live up to their fantasy counterparts.  Many times, our happiest moments are those that caught us unaware, before any expectations had a chance to take root.

Choose where you want to spend your mental energy: building expectations that can be dashed by others or rehearsing you being the best you possible.  I know where I try to focus my energies; in fact, I am seeing myself running an effortless ten miler this morning even though it’s frigid outside.  Now, let’s see if that image holds once I get that first blast of wind!