This is a Test of the Emergency Rant System

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Emergency
Emergency (Photo credit: Terry Bain)

This is only a test. If this were a real rant, the computer would be out the window and my hands would be pummeling the heavy bag instead of the keyboard.

It is not fair.

It’s not fair that I am left cleaning up and facing the consequences of the enormous financial mess he left behind. I just found out today that it’s worse than I thought and I will be making payments on charges he ran up for the next few years. Every time I write that check, how do I keep from wondering what I’m paying for – women, booze, trips, gambling? What? When I tried to investigate the charges shortly after receiving the text, he changed the password while I was in the account. Covering tracks, I suppose.

The only reason he was on the card was so that he could handle the occasional phone calls needed for a dispute or issue since I couldn’t use the phone while teaching. Apparently he saw it – and me – as his personal ATM. I feel like I’m now paying penance for trusting him.

It is not fair.

I have worked so hard for so many years to try to get ahead. I gave up my intended career and over 100 college hours to follow him and support us while his employment was uncertain. I tutored for hours after school to make extra money to spend on trips or the hot tub we bought a year before he left. And after he left? I’ve had to be so careful with money. The lawyers, courts, and various other debts took my income that first year and made a significant dent the next two. I was just starting to breath, thinking I was making progress. But, no. Not yet. Even though he’s gone, he still manages to hurt me. It’s like the nightmare after the horror movie. I just want it to end.

It is not fair.

As far as I know, he continues to sidestep his responsibilities. They’re after him, but I don’t know if anything will ever come from it.

It is not fair.

But I’ll be okay.

Just like everything else, I’ll get through this. My marathon next week can be training for writing those damned checks. One check for every mile, perhaps. And when it’s done, it’s done. The end.

I’ll be okay.

My boyfriend’s response when I texted him the news today? “We will get through it together:).” Yes, we will. And, you know what? Coming home to a messy kitchen seems pretty silly compared to fraud.

I’ll be okay.

I’m lucky. I have it so much easier than divorced people with children to look out for. I have a solid career that gives me the ability to sign those accursed checks. This has an expiration date. I just wish I didn’t have to continue to hold on to the the soured milk.

I will be okay. I will end today grateful for what I have rather than cursing what was taken.

That is the conclusion of the test of our emergency rant system. We now resume our regular programming.

I Was Lucky

An Open Letter to the IRS

And, an update on the situation: Practicing What I Preach

Of Kilts, Cabers, and Camo

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Love those Autumn Blaze maples!

Today was one of those picture perfect fall days in Atlanta: crisp, cool and sunny. I met my friend Sarah and her daughter, Kayla, at the annual Scottish Highland Games held at Stone Mountain Park.  As soon as I exited my car, almost half a mile from the festival, I could hear the pipe and drum bands warming up for the opening ceremonies. Bagpipes make my soul smile.

Can’t you almost hear the pipes?

I had an hour or so before I expected Sarah and Kayla. I made my way over to the athletic field to watch the guys compete in sheaf throwing, basically using a pitchfork to toss a burlap-wrapped 28 lb ball of hall over a pole 15 feet in the air. Even the pros couldn’t make it look easy. I started chatting with a woman next to me who ran the Savannah Rock n’ Roll Marathon last year and was delighted to hear that I’m running it in two weeks. She warned me that I’m going to catch the marathon bug and that this will be the first of many. My aching body from all of the training miles says she’s wrong. I guess we’ll see.

In case you ever wind up kiltless in Florida…

Before long, I spot Sarah and hear Kayla’s giggles. After a brief interval of playing the coy three-year-old, she immediately warmed back up and wanted me to hold her. In fact, Kayla certainly got her Lisa fix today and I got an upper body workout trying to carry the squirming, growing-bigger-by-the-minute, preschooler. We navigated to watch the pipe and drum bands present their clans for the opening ceremonies. I wear those tunes move through me for weeks to come. I’m not sure how my Norwegian ancestors would feel about that. Oh well, for a day, I figure I can be an honorary Scot.

Think these guys will follow me on my marathon?

After the exhausting task of feeding and pottying a youngster, we navigated to an excellent viewing area to watch the caber tossing. This is my favorite event. There is something about the pure testosterone of burly men in kilts throwing trees end over end that makes me grin with glee. And makes me wish I became a chiropractor.

Tree in a tornado or caber being tossed? You decide.

Of course Kayla was intrigued and somewhat puzzled by the point of the whole sport) so we took her to the children’s area where they had kid-sized versions of the adult games.

Kayla tossing a cardboard “caber.” Does it get any cuter?

Much of the emphasis of this festival is on the reuniting of the various clans. There are booths set up for each lineage where they proudly display their crests and tartans. The intersection of The South and Scotland is an interesting place. Something about a man in full Scottish gear with a Southern drawl just doesn’t allow a straight face.

I guess he’s a member of the camouflage clan:)

I noticed something new this visit. There were some people, mainly women, who had on more than one tartan, thus representing multiple clans. When I inquired about this, I was told that there family, either through marriage or blood, had combined two or more clans. The one deemed less important would be an accessory while the primary colors occupied more prime real estate. It’s a way of honoring ones past while acknowledging the importance of the present.

This guy was watching the exit. Maybe he was checking for stolen cabers? 🙂

Eventually, the game, pipes, and Kayla had played themselves out and it was time to go. My drive home took me through the area where I spent my first year in Atlanta. I drove by the rental business where we got the van that moved us into our home, I passed the location of my wedding reception, and I saw the turn that would have led to the apartment we occupied when we became husband and wife. It was okay. I used to wear that tartan of my marriage from head to toe, but now it has been changed into an accessory and I proudly wear the colors of my new life.

One of many reasons Sarah is the best friend one can ever have: Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Separated

More Kayla Adventures: Damsel in Distress and Let’s Go on an Adventure

More about the upcoming (gulp) marathon: Marathon Motivation, , Marathon Musings, andHow Long is Your Marathon?

And, for those who love bagpipes, check out my favorite pipers, Tartanic. I promise you won’t be disappointed!

Kayla learning to play the drum. This guy was dancing The Macarena moments before. Unfortunately, I was too slow to capture it!

Taming the Monkey Mind: Misbehavin’ Monkey

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Monkey riding a dog.
Monkey riding a dog. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My monkey has been misbehaving recently. It snuck up on me; I didn’t even realize it until he threw a tantrum last night. About unfolded clothes and unwashed dishes. Yeah, silly, I know. Talk to the monkey.

Once my monkey mind was talked down from his ledge, exercised, and soothed with incense and a good book, he was finally able to articulate to me what had him so frantic.

Things have been good.

Uhhmmm…what? Why freak out over that?

He explained that he is used to the status quo. Routine. The right amount of activity and rest. Social time and solitude. Mental work and physical effort. In other words, the monkey wants balance.

Makes sense.

We are all so aware of the imbalance and stress in our lives when things are rough. But we often are not as aware of the effect that good events can have on us. Just as when things go wrong, positive events in our lives (new relationships, new jobs or promotions, good news, working for and reaching goals) can also be difficult. It can catch us off guard because we are not anticipating its appearance. We may not find support from others because they simply see us riding high.

The problem is that we can get caught up in the ride and forget that our monkey mind has a bedtime and gets cranky when he’s overstimulated.

My monkey mind and I reached an arrangement. While things are crazy, I will make an effort to carve out even more time for meditation. I will again view runs as time for reflection or socialization instead of simply ticking away the miles until the marathon (3 more weeks!). I will focus more on the awesomeness of the weekends I have coming up rather than worrying about prepping and packing food (sometimes being a gluten free vegetarian just plain stinks!).

And if the dishes are bothering me, I will simply burn incense.

Taming the Monkey Mind – the beginning

 

How Long is Your Marathon?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Marathon Preparedness
Marathon Preparedness (Photo credit: super-structure)

I’ve been getting this question a lot lately and it always make me shake my head and smile. Those are about the only smiles associated with the marathon at the moment. It turns out the nagging little virus I had a couple weeks ago was actually the beginning of pneumonia. I ended up taking a week off work (something I NEVER do) and spending all of it in bed. The marathon is now 6 weeks away and I’m trying to build up my stamina enough to stay awake past 6 pm, much less run for 4 straight hours.
At this point, I’m feeling quite a bit better. I’m just still very fatigued and my left ear has been blocked for two weeks and the associated dizziness, deafness, and ringing is about to drive me mad. I starting running again last Sunday (2.3 miles!) and just now got back from my second attempt (3.5 miles!). Tiger is happy as my reduced speed and short distances means he can join me on the runs. I, however, am not so happy as I should have run 9 miles today according to my now-defunct training schedule.
So, what do I do? I could give up and scrap the race entirely. I could force my body into running the distances spelled out by the schedule and just pick right back up. I could get angry and curse my body for getting sick without consulting me about the timing.

I’m not going to do any of those things. I’ve invested too much time and money to quit, my body isn’t ready to run 40 miles in a week right now, and the anger would just be wasted (especially since I wouldn’t be able to hear my cursing over my ringing ear). Instead, I am going to run as much as I can over the next 6 weeks. I’m going to listen to my body (figuratively until the ear clears, of course) and rest when I need to. I’m going to enter the race with no expectations about performance or time; I’ll just do the best I can with where I am on that day. Okay, maybe I have one expectation. I’m hoping the damn ear clears so that I can hear the bands the Rock n’ Roll race series is known for…

This isn’t that different than how I felt when the dust settled after the divorce. I never expected to be divorced. It was not part of the training plan I had for my life. I realized I could give up, pretend it never happened, or get angry and curse it for all time.

Or, I could accept that it happened and go forward the best I could.

How long is my marathon? Long enough that it will be a challenge but not so long that it will defeat me. I’ll complete it just like I got through the marathon of my divorce – one step at a time while remembering to keep breathing.

National Marathon Washington DC
National Marathon Washington DC (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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Taming the Monkey Mind: Taking the Monkey Back to School

Posted on by stilllearning2b
image from backyardfrontline

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s been a bit since my last monkey mind post. This is my confession – I have been neglecting the monkey. Not so much that he has completely wasted away, but I have not paid sufficient attention to my synaptic simian as of late. And he’s starting to protest.

I could give you lots of excuses. Many of them are even valid. I’m 4 weeks into the start of the school year and my time and mental energies are spent lesson planning, grading papers, contacting parents, and sitting in endless meetings. Oh, and teaching. That happens for 5 + hours each day. On top of that, I’m training for my first (and only) marathon. I knew the time commitment ahead of time, but it is really becoming clear now as I spend 10 hours or so a week running and another couple hours stretching and foam rolling. And a few more hours yoga-ing. Then there’s the book – I wasn’t expecting so many people to request it in paper form so I added formatting to my work list the last few weeks. And let’s not forget my other job as a wellness coach. I spend several hours per week researching, writing my newsletter, and working with clients.

So, yeah, I’m busy.  So what?

I made a promise to myself to have balance in my life. For the most part, I have that. I’m happy, fulfilled, and passionate about what I’m doing and who I am with. But I’m still breaking that promise by neglecting my meditation practice. I realized today how much it really comes down to acclimation, commitment, and accountability.

I was sick this weekend and the illness derailed my running plans. I ran an easy 6 miles on Thursday and was planning on doing (a not-so-easy) 20 on Saturday. Instead, today was first run in 4 days. I barely made it 2 miles. How is it that I could have run 6 just a short time ago and today I struggled with 1/3 of it?

Acclimation.  We get used to doing what we do. I’ve moved my 20 miler to this weekend so I need to spend the week getting my body used to running again. Isaac willing.
I have my marathon training schedule posted on a corkboard in front of my computer. Tucked behind it are my hotel reservations for Savannah (where the race will be held). I have a constant visual reminder of my investment, in both time and money, in this race.

I also have a whiteboard calendar next to my desk where I record my daily and weekly mileage totals. It holds me accountable. I can see when I slack.

In contrast, after my initial 30 day challenge, I have made no tangible commitment to mediation. I do not track it or hold myself accountable and I allowed myself to become disacclimated (yeah, I know it’s not a word, but my monkey insisted I use it!). It’s no wonder I’m doing better at running than ohmming.

So, I’m taking my monkey back to meditation 101:

-I’m posting a reminder on my board next to the running schedule.

-I’ll track my practices on my calendar (hmmm…smiley faces don’t seem right, but it needs to be quick to draw).

-I’m restarting my 30 day challenge to re-acclimate.

That’s right, monkey. School’s back in! Hope you’re prepared:)

 

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