Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
smart people dumb love

I’ve always considered myself a smart person. And so, when I was confronted with the harsh reality of how stupid I was in my first marriage, it was a tough reality to accept.

How could I be SO dumb when it comes to love?

1 – Smart People Are Still Subject to the Addictive Nature of Love

No matter how smart you are, you are still impacted by your biology. And our biology has evolved to encourage us to form strong social bonds and to procreate. Oxytocin and serotonin help to create the feeling of love and encourage us to stay close.

But those aren’t the dangerous one.

That moniker goes to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives us a little jolt of pleasure whenever it is stimulated. And the best way to stimulate is through intermittent rewards.

Dopamine is present in high amounts at the beginning of a relationship when you cannot stop thinking about the other person. It’s the first, heady rush of the drug in your system. And it can easily become the dragon you keep chasing.

Manipulative people are masters at controlling the dopamine response in their partners. These are the abusers that follow their assault with copious amounts of affection and attention. Or, the ones who ignore your bids for attention and then randomly provide you with the love hit that you crave. They control you as surely as researchers doling out treats to the rats in the cage.

Much like any addict, when you’re under the influence of love, you can do some irrational and dumb things while seeking out the next high. And like any addict, it’s difficult to see the addiction while you’re still under its spell.

2 – Smart People Set Goals for Themselves and Are Used to Achieving Them

Smart people are used to dictating their lives. When they set goals of getting married by a certain age, they fully intend for that to happen. The problem arises when the goal of marriage becomes the sole focal point and the nature of the specific relationship is viewed as secondary.

In school, there is a direct correlation between the hours of study and score on the exam. At work, more effort leads to better results. When it comes to fitness, more hours at the gym results in a more favorable outcome. Yet in love, the corollary between energy and results is much more nebulous because no matter how much we try, we cannot control the behaviors of others.

You can set all the goals you want for your relationship. But if your partner does not share those goals or refuses to put forth the effort to reach them, those goals become moot. This is a difficult truth for smart people, especially when they see the potential within their partner. The question then becomes, are you in love with the person or with their potential?

3 – Smart People Have High Expectations of Themselves and Assume the Same of Others

Smart people are experts at reflection and course correction. They have high expectations of themselves and are often on a lifelong journey of self-improvement. They naturally assume that everyone else is capable of self-reflection and can articulate what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. 

There are people who go through life taking advantage of those who see the best in others. People who do not hesitate to operate behind the veil of optimism and good graces. It’s almost impossible for those victimized by this behavior to understand it because it is so far removed from their very nature.

4 – Smart People Adapt to Their Environments

When you put sane people into an insane environment for any length of time, they will begin to adapt in order to survive. The analogy of slowly turning up the heat in order to boil the frog is apt here; even as the situation becomes dire, there is a constant recalibration of “normal.”

Smart people are good as assessing a situation and responding in a way that is advantageous for survival. Often, this is a desirable response. But when the response means that you have to continually bite your tongue or hide your true nature, the reactions have become maladaptive.

When the situation is toxic, it may be better to escape rather than to continually acclimate. After all, even if the water no longer feels hot, it can still scald.

5 – Smart People Often Trust Their Brains More Than Their Guts

When you’re smart, you learn to trust in your perceptions and your conclusions. You become adept at analyzing a situation and assembling evidence to support your case. This trait, useful in most areas, can be dangerous when it comes to love.

First of all, we want to believe that we made a sound decision when we selected our partner. So we’re reticent to admit to any signs that perhaps we made a mistake. Additionally, we fear losing love and ending up alone. So we create complicated narratives that excuse red flags in order to avoid facing that painful experience.

Smart people often dismiss their gut feelings, viewing intuition as a lesser skill than reasoning and believing only in things that can be proven through factual evidence.

Even when we can’t prove them, our gut feelings are important. They often operate like the sensors placed to recognize even the slightest increase in seismic activity. The disturbances are so slight that they operate below the level of conscious awareness, yet the gut can still tell that “something” is off.

6 – Smart People Fall Into the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” Because They Don’t Like to Quit

Once you have invested years into a relationship, it’s easy to use the time spent as justification for spending more time and energy. Sometimes, this inclination is advantageous. But if the demise of the relationship is inevitable, it’s simply throwing good money after bad in a desperate attempt to keep from admitting defeat.

Smart people have learned that success comes from effort and perseverance. They may struggle to understand the distinction between quitting (born from fear or frustration) and letting go (which arises from courage and acceptance). As a result, they will often do – and try – anything to keep from giving up. Even if it means giving up on themselves.

There is a silver lining to all of this…

Smart people learn from their mistakes. They understand how to break down a situation and reflect upon its merits and detriments. Smart people don’t shy away from responsibility or hard work. They see the correlation between effort and outcome and know that anything worthwhile isn’t easy to obtain.

Smart people can learn how to become smart in love.

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I Was Married to a Con Man

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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I thought he loved me. It turned out that he was more con man than confidant. 

If my husband had been Pinocchio, his nose would have been a giant redwood. While we were married, I thought he was a real boy. Once he disappeared, I learned otherwise.

My husband and I used to watch “Lost” and shake our heads in disbelief at Sawyer’s deceptions. We laughed at “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” when the con artists were conned themselves. We were shocked at the audacity of Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in “Catch Me if You Can“, and we were disturbed when we discovered the movie was based on a true story. While I thought he shared my disdain for the trickery and fraud in these tales, it seems as though he had been taking notes. Overnight, I went from an ordinary life to one that felt more like a movie.

 

My husband was a brilliant and talented man whose skills included creating and maintaining a separate existence. He had two cameras. Two bicycles. Two wallets. Two wives. Two distinct lives. When the financial mess he created in his life with me became too great to keep hidden, he broke up with me via text and vanished. That was when I learned that my husband was anything but a real boy — he was a con man.

 

My life was a virtual reality — my home a movie set consisting of false fronts.

 

He was an expert lie crafter; he always knew the exact proportion of truth to weave into the falsehoods to make a story believable. He always had an answer; he never hesitated. His office must have been like a busy air traffic control tower as he directed emails, texts, and phone calls to support his various tales. The extent of his deceptions was made clear when I sat with an auto insurance card in my hand — my name had been digitally removed — while I pulled up the file from the insurance company and verified that both names were present on the actual document. He thought he could erase me as easily as he could my name using Photoshop.

 

While my husband was in jail after being arrested for felony bigamy, I talked with his other wife, who was as stunned by the situation as I was. No woman should ever have to have a conversation about “our husband,” even if it is a cordial and informative discussion. I learned that when he was pulled in for questioning, his lies became increasingly absurd as he struggled to maintain his façade. My favorite? He claimed that he and I had divorced years earlier and I had since married a chiropractor named Mark Mercer. Mark, if you’re out there, I’m sorry that I have no recollection of our marriage and that I have never recognized our fictitious anniversaries.

 

One of the saddest aspects of the situation is that he was conning himself just as much as he was fooling those around him.

 

In trying to pull the wool over others’ eyes, he inadvertently knitted himself a mask with no eyeholes. He told so many lies for so long, he began to believe his own fabrications (he even admitted as much in a text to my mother). It became impossible for him to tell where the lies ended and the authenticity began. In trying to keep everyone else in the dark, he lost himself. The real boy was replaced with a hollow man.

 

I came out of the marriage confused, unsure of what was real and what was fabrication. I was embarrassed. How could I have been such a fool? My anger was explosive as I came to the realization that I had been literally sleeping with the enemy. The crime was intensified by the fact that it was carried out by the man who had sworn to love and protect me. Yet, eventually, I began to feel compassion for him, as I saw through the lies to the pain that must have born them.

 

I have come to the realization that the life I knew was real to me, and that has to be enough. I will never know what prompted his moral malignancies nor will I ever find certainty in truth.

I was conned, but that is not the end of my story. I am now exploring the world un-shaded by his lies.

Don’t Believe in Divorce? It Doesn’t Matter

Posted on by stilllearning2b
don't believe in divorce

Search for “divorce” on Twitter, and you find countless posts like the following:

I don’t believe in divorce….when me and my partner have problems we will sit down, talk and work it out! Commitment for life

As though one can make divorce not real simply by pretending it doesn’t exist. I hate to break it to them, but divorce is kinda like gravity’s impact on an aging body; it exists whether you want to admit it or not.

I didn’t believe in divorce either. I believed in commitment. In working things out. In staying together. However, my husband did not feel the same way.

The problem with the Twitter quote above is that it completely neglects to acknowledge your partner’s view and actions, neither of which are under your jurisdiction.

You may not believe in divorce but if your partner stops believing in the marriage, you’ll change your mind real fast.

I try to remember that these statements are coming from ignorance and a lack of exposure. These are people who have not been touched by divorce. These are people that believe that promises made can never be broken. These are people who think that their wishes are strong enough to ward off any unwanted situations.

I both envy and pity them.

I was them.

I had that certainty, that confidence in my marriage. I believed that divorce couldn’t happen to me because I didn’t want it to. I didn’t realize that my husband had developed a different view. My certainty that it couldn’t happen to me meant that I was blindsided. I was betrayed, not only by my husband, but also by my beliefs.

I worry about those who believe that it can never happen to them. I hope they are right and they never face the pain of lives torn apart. However, I worry that many of them will realize that belief is not enough to hold a marriage together.

The most difficult aspect of any relationship is the acceptance that your partner is an individual with his or her own thoughts and actions. You cannot control them. You cannot change them. All you can do is love them and embrace them while being the best you can be.

Maybe instead of saying, “I don’t believe in divorce,” it should be, “I believe in doing everything possible on my side to ensure that we do not divorce and I hope that you can do the same.”

Now that’s something I can believe in.

The Value of Therapy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
value of therapy

“What is the value of therapy?” the email continues, after the writer has detailed her struggles moving through divorce.

Another message contains the statement, “I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m wondering if it’s working.”

“How do I know if therapy is for me?” implores a man who has been blindsided by his wife’s infidelity.

 

What is the value of therapy?

 

People generally turn to therapy when they are struggling with negative emotions or having trouble processing something in their past or present.  Therapy can serve different purposes depending upon the needs of the person and the specialization of the therapist.

In general, therapy can assume one or more of these roles:

 

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It’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Therapists can offer valuable perspective and insight when we’re all-too-easily distracted by the details cluttering up our lives. A skilled therapist can listen to twenty minutes of unloading about a difficult situation and can sum up the core issue(s) in a couple of sentences. Then, once the challenges have been highlighted, you are better able to focus your energy in the areas where you can best effect change.

 

Skill Developer

Many therapies are designed to give people access to a variety of tools that they can then apply on their own in order to improve relationships or personal well-being. A therapist will identify your needs and work with you to develop and practice a variety of coping strategies. As part of this process, you will also learn to recognize the precursors that indicate a need for a particular strategy.

 

Neutral Third Party

Relationships are by definition, emotional. As a result, it can be difficult to work through certain situations within the context of a relationship. The stakes are simply too high to avoid either withdrawal in an attempt to avoid vulnerability or becoming too intense and prompting flooding in the other person. A therapy session offers a safe space and an uninvested third party to work through issues or to practice better communication.

 

Interpretor

What we’re feeling isn’t always an indication of how we feel. As an example, fear often manifests within one or more of these fifteen disguises. Therapists are trained to recognize the emotion behind the presentation. They are adept at naming and describing what you’re feeling. And naming it is often he first step to regaining control over it.

 

Guide

Therapists often act as trail guides. This may be unfamiliar terrain for you, but they have been down this path many times and are familiar with the hazards and the milestones. They will help to prepare you for the upcoming climbs, cheer you on when you become frustrated and will ensure that you don’t stray too far off the path.

 

Affirmer

If you are currently in or were raised in an environment that is abusive or rife with criticism, your therapist can be a vital source of affirmation and acceptance. When you’re feeling cut down, beat down or judges by those around you, therapy can help you see the good within yourself.

 

 

Why might therapy be ineffective?

 

One of the critical factors that makes it difficult to assess the value of therapy is that the results are highly subjective: Do you feel better? Has your functioning improved? Are you having more good moments and fewer bad ones?

And sometimes the answer to those questions is, “No.” The following are some of the reasons that therapy may be ineffective:

 

You waited too long.

You can’t ignore signs of cancer for months and then expect a doctor to immediately cure your stage 4 malignancy. In the same manner, if you have ignored mental health issues for years, there may be limits to what therapy can accomplish. That doesn’t mean that it’s useless, but early intervention often favors better results.

 

You have unrealistic expectations.

No matter how skilled the therapist, they cannot undo the damage caused by a parent’s abandonment. They don’t possess magic wands that can immediately make everything better. If you show up to marriage counseling and you’re spouse has already given up, the therapist can’t force them to change their minds. If your expectations are unrealistic, you will never achieve your goals, therapy or not.

 

You’re seeing the wrong therapist or using the wrong technique for you.

You wouldn’t go to a grill master to learn how to improve your baking, so why go to a therapist who specializes in psychodynamic therapy to learn strategies for dealing with the daily symptoms of anxiety? Before you enter therapy, make sure you know what you’re looking for and that you can communicate those goals to someone who can help you navigate your options.

 

You’re being defensive.

If you’re always looking to defend yourself and/or prove your therapist wrong, you will get nowhere. It’s important to recognize that your therapist is there to help you. And part of that help is challenging your assumptions and ways of interacting. You’re there because you want change and the first step of any transformation is admitting that you can do things differently.

 

You’re not applying the tools.

If the only practice you’re getting with the strategies and skills your therapist is teaching you in in their office, you’re undermining yourself. Changing habits and patterns takes practice. Lots of practice. If you don’t implement what they’re teaching you, your investment is pretty useless.

 

You’re failing to address the underlying issues.

Childhood traumas often present themselves throughout life until we have addressed the initial problem. If you present the current situation to your therapist but neglect to delve into the childhood traumas that primed the pump for your present struggles, your work will have limited success. You have to identify and neutralize the cause.

 

You’re not being honest or transparent.

Your therapist can only work with the material that you give them. If you’re hiding, you are not allowing them to help you. It’s natural to feel ashamed or embarrassed about certain things; however, a therapist’s job is to listen without passing undo judgment. Trust me, they’ve probably heard worse than what you’re holding back. Ultimately, they cannot help you shine light on your problems if you refuse to open the door.

 

Your therapist is retaining the power.

Like with parenting, the role of a therapist is to ultimately put themselves out of a job. Unfortunately, there are therapists out there that like being needed and so they want to ensure that you remain dependent upon them. If you sense that this is your therapists, please look for someone new.

 

Is therapy for you?

 

If you identify with any of the following, therapy may be a good option for you:

 

You’re having suicidal thoughts.

You are having trouble with basic life functions.

Your feelings – sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. – seem overwhelming and difficult to control.

You’re struggling to communicate with somebody in your life.

What you’re trying isn’t working.

You know there’s a problem, but you can’t seem to identify it.

You need a “jump start” to get you on the right track.

You’re feeling isolated and as though you don’t have a strong support system.

You want to increase the tools that you have to deal with life’s challenges.

You’re feeling “stuck” or you are fixated on something in your past.

You want some support and guidance to navigate a life transition (marriage, divorce, death, childbirth, retirement, etc.).

You’re looking for a professional’s opinion on something in your life.

 

Ultimately, therapy is a tool. It can be a valuable opportunity for you to make critical and vital changes to your life or your mindset. Yet, as with any tool, it’s only valuable if it’s the right one for the job and you use it effectively and in a timely manner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Metaphors for Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce metaphors

Which metaphor best describes your divorce?

 

1 – The Too-Small House

It seems perfect. The spaces seem custom-built to accommodate your needs and it immediately feels like a home. Over time, as the family grows and the demands on the home increase, those walls that once felt comforting begin to feel like a prison. The house is simply too small.

Sometimes people outgrow relationships. The person that once fit nicely into their lives is now a source of frustration. Support has turned into constriction and the need to fully expand becomes too great to ignore.

 

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2 – The Unraveling of the Favorite Sweater

At first, it is coveted, although a little unfamiliar. It still holds the creases of the hanger and the pigment is true and bright. Over time, it begins to mold to your body. Soften. It is a familiar hug, a safe place to return. The initial damage seems slight, inconsequential. It’s only a loose thread. Yet that single thread is what holds the sweater together.

Marriages can mirror this same pathway, moving from shiny and new to familiar and then to worn and damaged. There is a both bittersweet memory of the original shape and a discontentment with the current status.

 

3 – The Sudden Allergy

It comes on quickly, a shock to all present. What was perfectly acceptable and even enjoyed has now become a source of illness. The underlying cause of the dramatic change is difficult to pinpoint. But the result is the same. These two entities can simply no longer coexist.

In relationships, this sudden allergy may be due to some environmental shift or it can also arise from unidentified underlying issues. The abrupt shift will come as a surprise and it may take some time to accept the needed alterations. Yet, until this essential incompatibility is addressed, the maladaptive reactions will continue to occur.

 

4 – A Graduation

At some point, the student no longer needs the teacher. Graduation brings about complex emotions. It is the remembrance of all the lessons learned and the shared struggles and triumphs in the classroom. There is celebration born from completion and also fear of the upcoming unknown and a concern about being ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

Some marriages end because the lessons have been learned. It becomes time to close one chapter in order to begin the next where the lessons can now be applied in a new situation. These are bittersweet endings as the shared journey is remembered and honored even as the natural end is acknowledged.

 

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5 – The Rotten Apple

It seems so tempting. Its taut and shiny skin unblemished under the artificial lights of the store. It promises sweet, crispy sustenance just beneath the surface. With joyous anticipation, you bite down. Only to discover that the flesh beneath the skin is black and rotten.

These are the marriages entered into with the narcissist or other personality that likes to hide behind shiny promises. It seems too good to be true. And eventually, you discover that it is.

 

6 – A Remodel

At one point, the decor was perfect for you. It matched your aesthetic and your lifestyle. But then your tastes changed, slowly at first. You began small, replacing some artwork and maybe freshening up the throw pillows. Over time, you start to realize that the changes have a domino effect and that the entire space needs an overhaul.

We all change over time and through experiences. Sometimes we find that these small changes have a compounding effect and that a relationship that once fit in nicely no longer matches anything else.

 

7 – Vision Correction

The lens clicks into place and suddenly the eye chart, once nothing but a muddy blur, comes into sharp focus. You see it all and for once, you see it clearly. You no longer have to guess at the truth behind the fuzzy images.

Sometimes we have trouble truly seeing the person right in front of us. And when our vision is blurry, we fill in the details with expectations and assumptions, often born from past experiences. It can be quite surprising when your vision is suddenly corrected and you see the person as they are. Especially when you realize that the reality is far from what you imagined.

 

8 – The Training Wheels

We fix training wheels to children’s bicycles not because of any physical need, but to address their need for a sense of security and safety. Likewise, their removal is due more to an increase in confidence than in a change in ability.

Sometimes relationships are the preferred training wheels of adults. These are partnerships often entered into young, before the individuals have developed confidence in themselves to be able to operate alone. Then, as one or both spouses begin to replace their self-doubt with more assurance, they may discover that the training wheels are no longer needed and that they would prefer to ride unencumbered.

 

9 – A Malignancy

It has to come out. The tumor is a source of poison, restricting life-force and threatening your very survival. It will be painful. Brutal, even, as there is a certain about of healthy tissue that must be removed as well in order to assure that all of the diseased material is removed. Yet even with the trauma, the removal brings a sense of hope.

These are the abusive marriages. The abuser inhabits their victim, slowly programming the cells to behave as they dictate. As with a tumor, the removal must be swift and it will be painful. And there may be some residual scars left behind.

 

10 – The Tsunami

There is no sign of impending disaster. The skies are blue, the water clear. And then, without warning, the placid ocean becomes a voracious beast, swallowing what seems to be the entire world. Leaving behind nothing but destruction and emptiness.

Some marriages end with the suddenness and force of a tsunami. Often, the one leaving has been silently gathering up resources and making plans. And once they act, they disappear without concern for what was left in their wake.