Is It Love? 10 Things We Confuse For Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
is it love

When we feel it, it seems so clear – this must be love! Yet in hindsight, sometimes the glossy coating starts to chip away and we realize that those intense and very real feelings weren’t love, but actually something else.

 

Is it love? Or, is it…

 

Limerence

The year was 1991. Even though my history teacher was delivering important information for the upcoming exam, my mind was focused elsewhere. Or, actually I guess I could say elsewho. Because I was completely obsessed with the boy I had recently started dating. The thoughts and feelings were all-consuming, obsessive even. Based on intensity alone, I just knew that this had to something something special – true love. It was only once the relationship ended a couple months later (as high school romances often do), that I realized how little I actually knew this boy that I had professed to love. What I was actually in love with was the fantasy that I had created within my own mind.

Limerence is basically the rom-com of the romantic realm. It starts with some element of truth and then surrounds it with layer upon layer of sugary-sweet fantasy. It feels like love because of its overwhelming intensity, as our neurotransmitters are played like Chopin on the keys. Yet, because limerence is not strongly rooted in reality, it lacks the vulnerability, sacrifice and authenticity that characterizes mature love.

 

Chemistry (AKA Lust)

I think most of can relate to this experience. You meet someone. Maybe they’re conventially attractive, maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Because when their fingertips brush against you arm, sparks fly. Things are amazing for a time because everything is focused on the physical. And in that realm, you make the perfect pairing. But then something happens that feels like being on a train that has abruptly slammed to a halt. In communication outside of the bedroom, you realize that not only do you not really know this person, you may not even like them all that much.

Biology doesn’t care if we love someone; it simply needs for us to get it on to keep the species on. Lust can be quite powerful and can be a driving force in a relationship for quite some time. However, lust is at its most intense when the experience is new. And new can only last so long. Lust can be a precursor to love, as the relationship transitions and deepens, or it can simply be an enjoyable stopping point along the way.

 

Feeling Wanted

I was mere months out from being suddenly abandoned by my husband of sixteen years. My self-esteem was at rock bottom and the fear of being alone forever vibrated through me with the constant hum of a ceiling fan on a summer night. And then I was approached by a man at the gym. A good-looking man, who expressed interest in me. And, damn, did that feel good on that day. I went out with him, even though my still-shattered heart had absolutely no business dating. I got sucked in, too far and too fast, not because it was love, but because it made me feel like I was lovable.

We all want to feel wanted, chosen. And when we’re in particularly vulnerable spots in our lives, we can end up falling for people not because we want them, but because they want us. This is exactly why the advice is that you have to love yourself first before you can find love. Otherwise, you may find yourself committing to the first person who picks you.

 

Mirroring

is it love

I thought we had the perfect marriage. We never argued. We had the same likes and dislikes. And we even had similar views on pretty much everything.

Too bad none of that was real. 

I wasn’t seeing him; I was seeing a reflection of myself. And it felt good. “He really gets me”, I thought, as his sentiments echoed my own. But that’s not love. After all, you cannot love something that you cannot fully see.

Sometimes mirroring is done by those who are afraid of being alone, as they morph into what we want them to be. Other times, mirroring is more nefarious when it is one of the tools used to lovebomb a partner or prospective partner.

Real love doesn’t ask for two people to blur into one; it allows – and even celebrates – the differences that each person brings to the union.

 

Relief From Discomfort

When is a sip of water most refreshing – when you’re sitting at your desk drinking water throughout the day or after two grueling hours spent mowing the lawn on a hot summer day? When do you think attraction is at its most powerful – when your life is full and happy or when you’re experiencing scarcity or hardship?

Sometimes, it is less about loving the person and more about loving some discomfort they have alleviated for us. Maybe great aunt Sally has finally stopped pestering you now that you’re in a relationship. Or, your financial worries have been replaced with nice dinners out. Your life is better, but it may be more about what the person brings with them and less about who the person is. A quick test to determine the difference – which thought causes you more distress? Losing them, but keeping everything else that has changed in your life once they entered or keeping them, but without the ancillary benefits?

When our lives are in a drought, any romance becomes the best thing on earth. It is only when our lives are already lush than we can truly discern what we truly love.

 

Flattery From Partner

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

“I’ve never felt this way with anyone else.”

In real love, each person helps the other grow and become better. Excess flattery is like a shortcut of this process. Instead of engaging in the messy and difficult worth of growth, it jumps straight to the “you’re the best thing ever!” Of course, that praise comes with a price. You must stay that way in order to keep those feelings flowing.

There is a difference between being adored and being loved. Although they both feel good to receive, only the latter allows you the freedom to be yourself and to grow.

 

Approval From Others

“I like her,” your mom says after meeting your new girlfriend, followed by a list of all your date’s desirable qualities. Immediately, your interest in your partner increases. After all, she got the mom stamp of approval, which is something you’ve sought yourself your whole life.

We care what others think about our romantic choices. We want validation for attracting and selecting a good mate. Sometimes, especially if we are insecure in ourselves, we can put too much emphasis on this external approval and believe that we love someone solely because the others in our life seem to love them.

 

Security

I received a letter from one of my students recently. In it, she detailed how my classroom always made her feel safe. And for most of us, when we think back to the most important people in our childhood, part of what made them so influential was their ability to make us feel protected. And when we’re young and vulnerable, protection is one of the most important signs of love.

Most of us struggle with feelings of uncertainty. We want to know how things are going to unfold. And relationships often bring with them some sense of security. After all, we are more accepting of risk when we have that safety net beneath us.

In a loving partnership, a sense of security is built over time by continually showing up for each other and working to solve problems as a team. The love comes first, and the sense of dependability comes after. If instead that security comes from one side or precedes the teamwork, it is easy to confuse that sense of safety with being loved.

Control

My friend came from an abusive household, where her alcoholic and controlling father ruled the roost. In her first serious relationship, she described her new fiancé as, “Wonderful. He cares so much for me that he won’t let me work. He just wants to take care of me.” Alarm bells went off in my head, but her childhood had taught her that control = love.

This can go the other way as well, as some people confuse a sense of possession as love. If the person is malleable and submissive, that must mean that they truly adore you, right?

The irony here is that for the deepest love, you have to learn to release all control.

 

Narrative Matching

“I’m going to be married by the time I’m 30,” you declared in your youth. So then, with the end of your 20s rapidly approaching, you convince yourself that you love this person so that your life will match the story you’ve been telling yourself.

This is basically like reading a book backwards – you are beginning with the conclusion of love at a certain time or in a certain way and then you’re working backwards to make it happen.

Sometimes this works. After all, look at arranged marriages where the betrothed find a loving and meaningful connection. But if the love cannot be created, there is a human tendency to allow confirmation bias to convince us that our conclusion is correct.

 

We push people away because we are afraid of letting them in and being hurt when they leave.

We grasp on to people that are not good for us because we are afraid of being alone and someone is better than no one.

Pushing and pulling are fear, not love.

Love is holding.

Loosely enough so that each person has the freedom to grow and change.

And firmly enough so that each person knows they are supported.

It is trusting the other person enough that they want to stay even if they have the ability to leave.

And trusting yourself that you will be okay if they do.

 

 

 

 

 

After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The affair has been uncovered. The decision has been made to try to save the relationship. There’s a constant tension though – the one who has been betrayed feels the need to talk about it all of the time (“I want you to understand the pain you have put me through”) and the one who cheated wants to put it behind them and move on (“If you keep punishing me for the past, we’ll never make it”).

As with everything, there is no one-size-fits all answer here and both perspectives have some valid points.

 

If you cheated on your partner,

When they first discover the affair, expect the tears and the anger to be ever-present. Their entire world has just collapsed. They though that you were their rock, that they count count on you, and that foundation has just been abruptly pulled from beneath their feet. They will probably say some very harsh things. It won’t be rational because they have been thrown into full-on fight or flight. This is not the time to be defensive or to try to correct assumptions, even if they’re off-base. Your role right now is just to take it (as long as it doesn’t move into threatening territory).

And yes, it sucks to be attacked, to be villainized. But guess what? It sucks to be cheated on too. They didn’t ask for this. You made choices and those choices have consequences. It’s time for you to take responsibility, and some of that is being open and willing to listen to their pain.

Now obviously, if this emotional intensity continues and the affair is an ever-present topic of conversation, the relationship cannot heal. But you don’t get to control your spouse’s reactions or dictate the timeline of their healing. You’ve already taken away their agency by having the affair. You don’t get to tell them how to move on. There is a difference between you being uncomfortable because you cannot hide from your poor choices and your spouse deliberately using your past to hurt you.

You don’t have to stay in a position where you are feeling constantly punished for an extended period of time. Just like they have the right to say, “I just can’t get over what you have done and I think we should end things,” you have the right to set your boundaries around this too.

 

If you have been cheated on,

In the beginning, you need to talk. Your pain demands to be heard, you are desperately seeking understanding and you’re trying to process this enormous thing that has completely upended your life. Obviously – and understandably, some of this will be directed at your spouse. Yet make sure that they are not your only outlet. These feelings you’re carrying are big and are best distributed. Seek out a therapist or support group, a trusted friend or two and a journal. These become especially important as time passes and your healing is on a different schedule than the one the relationship is on.

It’s natural to want to know every detail about the affair as you try to regain some sense of control over your life. Yet this information has diminishing returns and focusing too much on the play-by-play keeps the energy in the past. It’s also understandable that you have the impulse to share every time you’re triggered. After all, they are the ones that planted that seed to begin with. It makes sense to share these when they first emerge so that you can talk through them together. Yet if it’s the tenth time that you’ve driven by a certain spot and your stomach plummets, it may not need mentioning. After all, they already know that this location bothers you and they can’t make that association disappear for you.

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

 

Why I’m Not Anti-Divorce (Even Though I Hate It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce was the last thing I ever wanted in my first marriage.

Yet, in hindsight, I wish that my husband had asked for a divorce.

Because a divorce would have far easier – and more honest –  than what transpired.

 

If he had asked for a divorce, I would have been gutted. There is no easy way to accept the end of a relationship when it’s not what you want. It’s natural to beg, to cry, to rage in attempt to change the outcome, to somehow MAKE them want to stay.

But that one-sided attempt never really works.

If they want out, if their mind is made up and they are not willing or able to make an effort at repair, it’s often best to let them go.

 

From my perspective now, I would rather face divorce than have a partner who is only with me out of a sense of obligation or guilt. I want to be with somebody that chooses me every day (especially on the hard days when we don’t especially connect). Anything else only leads to resentment.

I would rather face divorce than have an unhappy partner that is using affairs to try to fill the void they feel. I would rather be left in plain sight than cheated on behind my back. The pain from betrayal is unparalleled.

I would rather face a divorce sooner than abandonment down the road when the pretense becomes too much for my partner to uphold. They both result in a feeling of rejection, but abandonment makes it much harder to learn how to trust again.

I would rather face divorce than be with someone who was married in name only, who refused to be emotionally present. I would rather be alone than feel miles apart from the person sleeping next to me every night.

I would rather face divorce than be married to someone who keeps up a facade at all times, pretending to be something and someone that they are not. I’d rather have an honest ending than a lie that lasts til death do us part.

 

 

Two things can be true at the same time –

Divorce is awful and can be extremely disruptive and even traumatic, especially for a partner who does not want it or for the children.

AND

Sometimes divorce is the best outcome in a given situation.

If you have to choose between a happy marriage and divorce, it’s obvious which selection is the preferred one. Yet that’s not the option that’s on the table. The decision is between keeping a malfunctioning relationship going either through life-support or a steady drip of denial and an end of that relationship, leaving space for something new.

 

Speaking from personal experience, if you’re facing an unwanted divorce, it’s extremely challenging to accept that your marriage was not as happy as you thought. This is especially true if your spouse actively hid their unhappiness (don’t you just love the, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” being the first indication of a problem???). But even if everything was smooth from your perspective, they may see ragged surfaces and unfilled spaces from their side, and the marriage is the sum of those views.

I wonder now if my own fear of divorce played a role in my ex-husband’s deceptions. If he was too scared of my reaction to bring up the possibility of divorce, so instead he tried to pretend that everything was okay at home while living an entirely different life outside those four walls. Perhaps things would have been easier if we were both more willing to look at things honestly.

 

I am not anti-divorce.

I AM anti-lying to yourself or your partner. A relationship that is not built on honesty will eventually – and painfully – collapse.

I AM anti-cheating. It is never okay to betray your partner’s trust.

I AM anti-abandonment. It is cowardly and immature to slink away without a conversation.

I AM anti-shaming someone for the decision they make. We all have to do what aligns with our goals and values.

Divorce is awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (or even on my ex-husband!). Yet sometimes, for some people, in some situations, it’s the right decision.

 

7 Things You Owe Your Partner (and One Thing You Don’t)

 

Forcing the End: Cheating as an Exit Strategy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People cheat for a large variety of reasons. In many of those cases, the cheater wants the affair partner(s) and they still want the marriage, a sort of one-sided renegotiation of the wedding vows.

Yet in other cases, what the cheater really wants is out of the marriage and the affair is simply a way of forcing that outcome.

So, why do people use an affair as an exit strategy for a marriage?

 

They Want You to Be the One to End It

Maybe they promised themselves that they would never get divorced. Or, they would feel guilty about breaking up the family while the kids are still young. Sometimes they’re worried about the judgment they’ll face from others if their marriage fails.  But if you’re the one to initiate the divorce, then they can find comfort in their little fiction that this was all on you.

Of course, all of this completely ignores the fact that it was their behavior that led to divorce in the first place. That if it wasn’t for the affair, you never would have filed the papers. But those that cheat are quite skilled at compartmentalization; they can convince themselves that the both the affair and the divorce happened to them instead of because of them.

 

They Lack the Courage to Be Honest With You

These are the people that will drop the bombshell, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” once their hand is forced, yet will never come to you with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like for us to work together on this.” In a perverse way, they are not upfront with you because they don’t want to see you hurt and they don’t want to bear witness to your disappointment.

So instead, they pull away and they turn elsewhere, towards someone that they don’t have to worry about feeling obligated towards. They are running away, from the marriage and also from their discomfort. They believe that if they just stuff their unhappiness deep enough, they can build on top of it.

 

They Are Afraid of Being Alone

They want out. They know they want out. And yet the thought of being alone and unmoored after divorce scares the hell out of them. So, they make sure that they have a safe place – or person – to land on. The affair is a way of avoiding that terrifying leap into the unknown of being single, instead replacing the cliff’s edge with a gentle ramp out of marriage.

 

They Are Not Self-Aware

This is so often the case with those who use cheating to force the end of a marriage. Many times, they are not even consciously aware that they want out, much less cognizant about how the choices they make fit into the bigger picture.

 

In all of these cases, the affair may have been the final straw (or your first indication that something was amiss), but there were problems beneath the surface long before they stepped out. If you’re entering into a new relationship after divorce, make sure to look for someone who has the courage to be honest with you – and themselves – about when they are unhappy. It’s not a guarantee that they will never cheat on you, but it certainly provides some insurance.

 

 

A Win, a Lose and a Dawning Realization

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m not sure what happened to September. Or August. Or July, for that matter.

Between the Groundhog Day-esque nature of COVID-era living and the magnitude of the work required to teach both remotely and in-person, the days have both been endless and indistinguishable: walk, work, cry, workout, work, sleep, repeat. During the tearful moments, I would tell myself, “You just need to make it to fall break.”

And I made it.

The Win

Thanks to being raised by a counselor-mom, I’m pretty good about boundaries in my personal life. But I struggle (i.e. completely suck) at them when it comes to work. And this year, with so much of my job intruding into my evenings and weekends with the never-ending needs of the kids, I’ve been even worse about drawing hard lines. But as my mental health plummeted and my anxiety sky-rocketed, I knew how important it was for me to truly step away.

I spent the first Saturday of the break grading the tests that came in overnight, posting answer keys to the assessment, creating and posting retests and answering questions. Then, I logged off and closed every single work-related window on my computer. Within an hour, I realized I forgot to disable notifications on my phone when, in rapid succession, I get the following messages:

“Mrs. Arends – I need to talk to you.”

“I want to… How do I do this?”

“Can you please answer me?”

“Hello???”

I turned off notifications and went for a trail run where I talked myself out of responding to the message thread (and secretly wondering how long it would be by the time I decided to respond).

The next day, my husband, the pups and I packed up and went to stay at a cabin in North Georgia for a few days. Despite the rain and the pain (more on that soon), it was glorious. My big morning commute was to the hot tub, where I enjoyed the sounds of the rain on the metal roof and indulgently read one of several books that I brought. After a real hike on the first day, we were relegated to exploring the local roads on subsequent days because of the downpours. We both remembered staying in that area before, so we enjoyed searching for the cabin we stayed in previously (we never found it, but that didn’t lessen the enjoyment of the hunt). The dogs were awesome and got to enjoy lots of time off-leash just being dogs, exploring and sniffing.

And even though we had great WI-FI, even though my husband had to spend the majority of one day working and even though I was feeling anxious about work, I never checked my work messages until we returned back home yesterday:)

The Lose

From January to July, I was doing so well with my career-change goals. I decided what I wanted to do, I committed significant time each week to study, I worked to silence the “You can’t do this” voice and I even navigated changes to my plan based on the fallout from COVID.

And then July happened.

It’s now been almost 10 weeks since I’ve done any coding or studied any math for my new career. There are a variety of factors, some more prevalent than others on any given day: available time, available brain-power and motivation. Even though this has been an agreed-upon plan, whenever my husband mentions something about this being my last year in the classroom, I get angry. Angry, because I again feel stuck.

I know that my mindset right now is the biggest thing keeping me stuck. It’s a story I’m telling myself and I even wonder if my current lack of motivation is my passive-aggressive subconscious way of recruiting evidence to support my narrative.

I’m scared to log in to the websites I was using to teach myself (I can’t even remember the name of the program I was last using right now; how on earth can I expect to remember how to write a for-loop???). I’m worried that if I don’t balance the demands of the school year with time off-computer that I won’t make it until May. But most of all, I’m afraid to try at this new thing and fail.

But I fired fear as my life coach when my first husband walked out of the door.

Growth is messy. Learning is non-linear. Change is scary.

And none of that means impossible.

The Dawning Realization

For the last three years, my lady-parts have hated me. There are a variety of reasons (I feel like with every ultrasound I have, another malady has been invited to the party). Basically, I’m just waiting for menopause to turn the lights off and send all of those uninvited guests away.

Most months, it’s hardly noticeable apart from a miserable 24 hours or so.

But some months, it flares, swelling my midsection until it’s hard to breath and turning my pelvis into some twisted art exhibit where screws repeatedly tighten metal cables strung across in random patterns.

And with this being my fall break, guess what kind of month it is:(

But I’m not going to whine about the pain.

I’m going to talk about how amazing my husband is and by extension, what I realized about my ex.

As a child-free married couple who has been very busy these past several weeks, we both went into this week with certain expectations about couple-time. When the flare-up began to build on the day we left, I grew increasingly frustrated and in denial (“I’m fine,” I kept insisting, as if I could speak it into existence). But my husband never got upset or disappointed (and he only had to scan my face to call BS on my “fine”). His only reaction has been concern for me. He clearly put my physical comfort above his desires.

It made me reflect back on a time in my early 20s when I had shingles in a very unfortunate location. My then-husband was attentive and nurturing, taking me to doctor’s appointments and fetching the ice and medication when I needed them. Yet, even though on the surface he was loving, he still clearly put his desires above my physical comfort. Which, in retrospect, was how he was in all areas – a great exterior hiding a rather dark and secret interior. Blech.

With all of the uncertainty in the world right now, I am beyond grateful that my first husband chose to leave. He is definitely not the one I want by my side when things are hard. In contrast, I now feel like my husband and I are a team. Even when one of us is struggling, we are strong together.