Here’s my latest on Huffington Post:)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/fearless-dating-101_b_1641291.html
Taming the Monkey Mind: Taking the Monkey to the Gym

I only began consciously meditating within the last couple of years. I have actually been practicing mindfulness much longer than that, however please keep that a secret from my monkey mind. I have used weight training as a tool for bringing my focus to the moment since I was a teenager. I lift heavy, more to direct my thoughts rather than to build my frame. Lifting was a way to force my mind to rest. I could stay within my comfort zone of strength training and yet flirt with the exotic (to me at the time) world of meditation behind the scenes. When executing a compound movement with heavy weight, my mind could not wander; the monkey that normally scurried around the folds of my cortex was silenced under the burden. Breath was forced into the smallest bronchi, as the body demanded extra oxygen. Each flexion of muscle was accompanied by a relaxation of mind, a perfect partnership of mind and body.
Zen Habits beautifully explores his experiences with the meditative power of iron.
So, if your monkey mind resists the yoga mat or the meditation pillow as mine sometimes does, try taking your monkey to the gym and shut him down with some heavy weights! Just don’t tell him that he’s actually meditating:)
Related articles
- Taming the Monkey Mind: Graduation Day (lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com)
- Taming the Monkey Mind: Experimenting on the Monkey (lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com)
- Taming the Monkey Mind: Embracing the Monkey (lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com)
10 Life Lessons From the Dog Whisperer
Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “The Dog Whisperer? That guy deals with…dogs. What on earth could he teach me about life?” Remember that yours truly has found life and relationship lessons in barefoot running shoes, the actions (or lack thereof) of an elderly cat, a campground, and a fencing strip. Oh, and I’m married to a guy who learns about life from the dojo. So, see, life lessons from Cesar Millan is suddenly not so strange now, is it? Besides, his methods have worked to make my 95-lb pit bull the world’s best dog!
1) Energy Transfer
Whenever Cesar meets with a new case, he watches the owner(s) interact with the dogs. He pays more attention to the behavior of the owner than that of the dog. His claim is that anxiety or a lack of confidence in the owner transfers to the dog. He frequently says, “I rehabilitate dogs, but I train people.” In our lives apart from dogs, we also transfer or energy. If you find that you experience stress interacting with someone, check your own energy. What are you responsible for transferring?
2) Don’t Grip the Leash Too Tightly
This is an extension of the lesson above. When you watch the owners walk their troubled dogs, they grip the leash too tightly and pull with all their might if their dogs lunges at another dog. This is transferring the anxiety to dog, but even more importantly, it is giving power to the anxiety. In order to control the dog, the owner has to learn to let go of the illusion of control and has to begin to trust their dog.
3) Prepare for Greetings
Cesar always prepares the dogs carefully before allowing them to enter a dog park or greet other dogs. He makes sure that they are calm and submissive so that they are well-received by the rest of the pack. It is worthwhile to check your own mental state before greeting someone. I know I can come in from a stressful day and take it out on my boyfriend instead of pausing and waiting until my own mind was calm. And, no, I’m not recommending that you start greeting people by sniffing their butts!
4) Work With Nature
According to Cesar, dogs process the world through their noses first, followed by their ears and eyes. Obviously, we tend to use those senses in reverse and we all too often expect that from out pets. Cesar advocated working with the nature of the animal so that you get the results you are looking for with the least amount of resistance. Look around you. Not everyone perceives the world the way you do. Do you expect them to conform to you, or do you allow them to use their nature?
5) Be Aware of the Precursors
On the show, Cesar will often correct a dog when I cannot see any misbehavior. Until the sequence is played in slow motion, that is. Then, you can see a slight tuck of the tail or a tip of the ear, a slight precursor to the attack that is about to occur. Cesar is so successful because he recognizes and responds to these early warning signs. I know in my own life, I am often too busy to notice those little signs, much less respond so quickly to them.
6) Move Forward
When dealing with anxious or aggressive dogs, especially ones that he is trying to form a pack with, Cesar frequently begins by taking them for a walk or a rollerblade ride (I think he has a death wish here!). His reasoning is that when the dogs are moving forward, it is impossible for them to focus on anything else. Now, I do think our brains are more monkey-minded than our canine friends, but we can still benefit from forward movement to calm ourselves. So, when you are angry, sad, or anxious, try going for a walk. Or a rollerblade ride if you’re more daring than I!
7) Calm and Assertive
Cesar always works to get the dogs in a calm and submissive state. The counterpoint to that in the owners is a calm and assertive state. He is very kinesthetic and models what this looks like: shoulders back, head relaxed, arms relaxed. It projects confidence and a calm mind. When I feel stressed, I find myself emulating the body language of Cesar to trick my mind into responding.
8) Trust Your Senses
Cesar relies heavily on intuition; he does not spend too much time in the “thinky place.” He trusts his instincts and, when he needs extra information, he trusts the instincts of his pack as they give him feedback on a new dog. We all too often discount intuition and try to over-analyze everything. Sometimes, it is better to trust your gut or the gut of a friend if yours is out of order.
9) See the Possible
About once a month, I see an episode with a dog that I think is hopeless. Cesar doesn’t give up. Some cases take longer and take more effort, but they can all improve. He brings the worst cases to his ranch, where they are surrounded by a healthy and stable pack. This is a good lesson in our own lives when troubles seem insurmountable. Improvement is always possible. Learn from Cesar, if you need more help, surround yourself with those who are healthy and balanced. Their energy will transfer. And, if that doesn’t work, maybe try chasing a tennis ball.
10) Redirect With Play
Need I say more?
Woof! This post is Tiger-approved.
Huffington Post – Tsunami Divorce
What is a Tsunami Divorce?
What is a Tsunami Divorce?
A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted. A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction. The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation. Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce. The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage. These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.
What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?
A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted. Others in their lives may echo this sentiment. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror. The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.
How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?
Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration. This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go. There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home. There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments. One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind. This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing. On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.
In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden. The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore. There are no painful discussions. In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though his/her voice has been stolen. There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.
What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?
1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system. Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild. Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.
You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.
