Do You Suspect Your Partner is Cheating?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheating

Do you suspect your partner is cheating?

 

I laughed it off at the time.

My then-husband had recently become enamored with a particular style of Calvin Klein boxer briefs after years of mainly going commando. Since I was off school for spring break, I took on the task of tracking down several pairs for him so that he had enough to last a full week on the road.

I had read that a sudden change in preference of undergarments was a potential sign of an affair, but the thought that this man who was always so attentive and complimentary was seeing somebody else was laughable. I dismissed the idea as rapidly as it came to me.

And then, months later, the truth hit with a surprise uppercut.

The husband-of-the-year had disappeared into the arms of another. And he took his new boxer briefs with him.

Until I saw the evidence of the infidelity, his potential cheating was like Schrodinger’s Cat – until the box was opened, he was both faithful and unfaithful. I could both drive myself crazy by assuming that he was cheating or I could find false comfort in the conclusion that he was faithful.

And neither position of mine would have altered the facts surrounding his infidelity.

One of the most challenging truths about trust and fidelity in a relationship is that you have limited influence on the actions of your partner.

You can choose wisely, be a loving and present spouse and be alert to possible signs of cheating. And then you have to find acceptance in that in between space, where infidelity is simultaneously a possibility and out of the question.

After being cheated on in my first marriage, I was concerned about finding the balance between awareness of potential issues in my new relationship and also trust in my partner. My concern was that I would err too far on the side of suspicion, looking so hard for signs of cheating that, even if my partner was faithful, I would be living as though I was being betrayed.

I heard recently about a woman who knows her husband is cheating on her. Instead of making a decision about the future of the marriage, she is instead constantly monitoring his location. I can understand this reaction. By keeping tabs on his whereabouts, she is maintaining a sense of control in a situation where she is quite powerless. She can’t keep him from seeing his girlfriend, but at least she knows when he’s at the girlfriend’s house.

I understand this reaction, but the thought of living in that space makes me shudder. It must be horrible to know the details of the infidelity but be unable to alter its course. This false control becomes a distraction from the true source of power she does have – the decision if she is going to continue to tolerate this dynamic.

Other people are prone to snooping with the excuse that knowledge is power, assuming that if they just know enough about their partner’s life and interactions, they can stop potential infidelity before it starts.

It is a nice thought, that information is sufficient to shape the behavior of others. But, like with the illusion of control that comes from relationship insecurity, it’s a false comfort.

You will never know everything about your spouse’s life or history. You can spend all day together and they could be engaging in a secret online romance or you could have a long distance relationship where everything is aboveboard. Insisting on knowing everything is off-putting and creates an environment where your spouse is tempted to hide in order to avoid the constant questioning or to claim a reasonable amount of privacy. On the other hand, a total disinterest in information gives a sign of disinterest and even implied permission to act poorly.

There are times that I miss the sense of security I had in my first marriage, a certainty that he would be by my side no matter what.

And then I remember how that ended up.

I traded security born from willful ignorance for an acceptance about life’s impermanence and an appreciation for today.

An exchange I feel good about.

A few years ago, my now-husband found a type of underwear he loved. I looked from grading one evening to see him opening up a package from Amazon with multiple pairs. After admiring the view as he modeled a pair for me, I paused for a moment, remembering the similar scenario several years prior with my first husband.

Even though the immediate facts were homologous, the circumstances were completely different. Perhaps most importantly, I was no longer afraid to consider and confront the idea of infidelity in my husband (if I thought that it was a possibility). If I had been honest with myself ten years ago, I probably would have identified other facts that might have indicated that something was going on. When I considered this possibility with my second husband, I landed on a complete lack of evidence of infidelity. Furthermore, I had become quite uneasy towards the end of my first marriage, a current of anxiety of unknown origin coursed through me constantly. Whereas in my second marriage, I have never had that same vague sense of dread.

If certain signs have made you suspicious about your partner’s behavior, you have some decisions to make.

First, what do you want to do with this information? You can pretend you didn’t see it (not advisable, see my story for reasons), you can gather more data or you can confront your partner with your concerns. Here’s the hard part – once your brain has considered this possibility, there is likely little that your partner can say to completely alleviate your fears. That doesn’t mean that they are cheating; it means that trust has to operate on both faith and facts.

If you learn that your concerns are valid, are you prepared to set some boundaries? Maybe you are willing to try to work through this if your partner is on board or perhaps this is a deal-breaker for you. If they deny the affair (and you have proof) or they refuse to end the infidelity, what decision will you make?

I caution against remaining overly suspicious for the long term. It won’t lessen the chances of an affair (in fact, if anything, it can encourage it, “If you’re going to accuse me of it, I might as well do it.”) and it will only serve to make you miserable. If your concerns appear to be unfounded, consider the possibility that they have more to do with your own insecurities than your partner’s actions.

Transfer your energy from your partner’s activities to your own thoughts.

If infidelity is Schrodinger’s Cat, I refused to open that box in my first marriage, stubbornly believing that as long as I didn’t look, my marriage was still alive. Now, I take the occasional peek in the box to ensure that all is well, but for the most part, I operate from a place of trust. Because living a life of suspicion means that I am allowing myself to be a perpetual victim of infidelity. And that’s not the life I want to live.

 

 

 

 

 

Understanding Triggers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Want more ideas and support on dealing with triggers?

 

Facing Avoidance

We avoid because we do not want to suffer. Yet suffering then becomes the background noise of our lives.

 

Learning to Trust Again: How to Deal With the Triggers

There are times when the triggers are activated because of a legitimate and present concern. At those times, it’s important to listen to your gut and pay attention to its warnings. And there are other times when the alarms were pulled too soon, acting more from perceived danger than from a true emergency.

 

Trigger Points

As a survivor of a traumatic divorce, I am also very familiar with emotional trigger points – painful memories and associated responses caused by repeated or acute trauma. They are areas of hyperirritability where the response far outweighs the preceding factors. They cause intense pain at the time of their trigger and can cause referred pains in seemingly unrelated areas.

Shame: The Silent Relationship Killer

Posted on by stilllearning2b
shame

Is shame at the root of your relationship problems?

In most discussions of the common relationship killers, the usual suspects are named: infidelity, finances, addiction, abuse, changes in external demands, or a growing distance between the partners. Yet, there is a silent relationship killer that often lurks underneath those commonly listed reasons and is a contributing factors to many reasons cited for a relationship’s demise. A condition that affects many, yet is rarely recognized and even more infrequently discussed.

Shame.

 

Shame is poorly understood; it is often seen as interchangeable with embarrassment. Yet they’re not the same. You’re embarrassed when your zipper fails and you have to resort to staples to get through the day without an inadvertent indecent exposure charge. You’re ashamed when you live and work alongside financially secure people and you’re wearing pilled and tired attire because you cannot afford new clothes. In the first case, the problem is with the item of clothing. In the second scenario, the clothes are only the surface. The real issue is deeper, perhaps a feeling of being unworthy and inferior.

 

Shame tells you that you are not enough. 

 

Shame is a hidden condition. It hides behind happy faces and lives inside enviable homes. It’s often ignored. Frequently misdiagnosed. And almost always malignant, spreading its blight throughout.

The causes of shame are variable and are often embedded in childhood where the message was either explicitly received or inadvertently assumed. The child that feels unwanted can become an adult burdened by shame. Children who are raised around addiction often assume the blame for the disease. Those that face unending criticism or unachievable goals may continue to feel “less than.”

 

Shame strips you of your power. It makes you feel small and vulnerable. 

 

Shame is toxic to relationships. It encourages secret-keeping by insinuating that if revealed, the person will no longer be loved or even accepted. Shame creates distance between the partners as one feels unseen and the other feels excluded. Shame becomes the elephant in the room, unspoken of yet so big that it has its own gravitational pull. Shame says, “You’re not okay. And if people discover that truth, you’ll be discarded.”

 

Shame wants to be hidden because exposure removes its leverage.

 

Holding on to hidden shame is ultimately a losing battle. It grows like dough set out to rise, stubbornly overflowing its barriers. It manifests in unhealthy behaviors, everything from overeating to toxic masculinity.

And many of those unhealthy behaviors are potentially relationship-destroying.

 

Shame and Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are myriad and complex. And shame is a companion to many of those justifications. When someone is feeling shamed, they may be tempted to exert their power wherever they can. It’s a childlike, “I’ll show you,” reaction that can have disastrous consequences. When feeling less than, any attention from somebody who is “forbidden” will be especially attractive, especially if the shame is anchored in ideas around sex (think about the common Madonna/whore complex).

 

Shame and Money

When a child first realizes that their family does not have the same means as the others, it becomes a shameful secret to keep hidden. No matter how much material success is found in adulthood, that early lesson may remain tucked away. For others, this shame begins when a job is lost or when illness steals away the ability to earn. Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on earning power (especially for men), leaving those on the lower end of the spectrum feeling as though they are inferior.

 

Shame and Addiction

This is such a complicated relationship. If addiction is in the family of origin, shame was a constant companion from the beginning. many people try to silence their shame through the use of substances and then the addiction in turn feeds the feelings of shame. Notice that the first step in any twelve step program is braving the influence of the shame and being willing to admit to having a problem.

 

Shame and Abuse

In the typical abuse cycle, the frustration and discontent builds until there is an eruption of fists or angry words. Then, a feeling of shame and regret prompts the abuser to attempt to make amends. Until the energy builds again and the cycle is repeated. The abused also may feel ashamed, believing that they deserved the mistreatment (hint: they don’t).

 

Shame and Distance

It’s impossible to be truly close to someone who is secretly battling shame. They have walled off a huge part of their history and their psyche. They are afraid of letting you in, of letting you see. So instead, they play a role and pretend to be the person they wish they were. And the most unfortunate and unfair part? You will likely be accused of not understanding them even though you have repeatedly tried.

 

Shame does not have to be a permanent condition.

 

In fact, the remedy for shame is actually pretty simple (although far from easy) – talk about it.

Shame tells you that you’re the only one. Talking about it provides the opportunity for you to hear, “Me too.”

Shame tells you that you will be rejected. Supportive comments and reactions allow for you to be seen and accepted.

Shame tells you that you have to carry the burden alone. Sharing it means that the load is dispersed.

Shame tells you that you’re broken.

Revealing the cracks lets the healing light in.

 

Are you struggling with moving on? Life at the Intersection of Yesterday and Tomorrow is for you.

 

 

Overcoming Insecurity

Posted on by stilllearning2b
insecurity

They come into my 6th grade accelerated math class with confidence,  believing that they are smart and capable. Few of them have ever experienced struggle in math and so, because of the nature of my course and my teaching philosophy, when they first encounter a concept that is not readily apparent, they panic.

Because in their minds, it’s not simply a matter of not understanding this one type of math problem, it’s a potential threat to their very self-image.

And as we progress through the first few weeks of school, that earlier confidence is often replaced with a growing sense of insecurity. 

You’re never insecure unless you have something good that you want to hold onto. 

In the aftermath of my divorce, I had a strange sense of nonchalant assurance. It was strange because my confidence, in both myself and my future, were at an all-time low. Yet, perhaps because I both had nothing else to lose and couldn’t summon the energy needed to be anxious about small things, I was gifted a respite from normal insecurities.

The more you have, the more you can lose.

For months, I lived almost without fear. Without inhibition. Without insecurity. I adopted a “whatever” attitude when it came to love or money or any of those other things we so desperately attach ourselves to. The chasm between what I wanted and what I had was so great that I couldn’t imagine ever crossing it.

When we desire something, we focus more on the pursuit of it than the lack of it. We may even reach a sort of truce, a tacit acceptance of its absence. 

And then ever-so-slowly and without intention, I started to fall for someone who was supposed to only be passing through my life. And suddenly, I had something to lose.

And as science has found, we have evolved to fear loss almost more than anything else.

______

We all have times when we’re feeling anxious or uncertain. You may feel confident and adept in one area of your life and insecure about another. You may find that your doubt-whispering inner voice is triggered by certain situations and that your anxious brain, once activated, spirals into endless questions and worries.

At its core, insecurity indicates that we lack belief in ourselves.

Insecurity, although common, is not a healthy state to occupy for long. When we’re operating from a place of fear, we’re likely to make poor decisions and contaminate others with our own worries. When we express excessive doubts and try to grasp on too tightly, we have a tendency to push others away. And that’s not even counting the horrible way that insecurity makes you feel.

Understanding Insecurity

Signs of Insecurity

Not everyone responds to insecurity in the same way. Some people express it openly. Others try to stuff it down with their favorite junk foods. Or build big muscles in an attempt to hide their self-doubts. Insecurity can be found in the agoraphobe afraid to leave the house and in the high-powered executive who secretly feels like a fraud.

Even though the outward signs differ, there are certain internal signals that you can attune to in order to recognize when you’re feeling insecure –

Overreacting  

If you find that you are consistently having strong emotional reactions that are out of line with the situation at hand, you may be experiencing a period where you are questioning yourself. These self-doubts mean that you can easily misinterpret or catastrophize normal exchanges.

Compulsive Questioning 

Insecurity seeks certainty. And so it keeps asking questions in an attempt to either confirm or deny the fears. And no matter how many reassurances are uttered, it’s never enough. Sometimes these questions arise within our minds and our never vocalized. Rather, they are bounced around within our own echo chambers. These unasked questions are often even worse than the ones we speak because we have nobody to call us out on any irrational thoughts.

Restlessness

When you’re feeling insecure, you’re not comfortable in your own skin. This can lead to a feeling of being on edge or even irritable. This can manifest as a sense of wanting things to be different, feeling like you’re waiting for something to happen or even in an increased difficulty in sleeping.

Excessive Social Media Use

Whether you’re making comparisons with others or obsessively checking how many “likes” your recent post received, an increase in social media usage suggests that you may be having a crisis of confidence. Pay special attention to how your time spent on social media makes you feel. If it’s constantly making you feel “less than” and yet you’re continuing to return to source, your insecurity has become a problem.

Attention or Validation Seeking

Insecurity wants other people to tell you that you’re okay. It seeks an external stamp of approval to quiet the internal voices that question if you’re enough. If you notice that you’re increasingly looking for others to pay attention to you or express their approval, it’s a sign that your trust in yourself is lacking.

Causes of Insecurity

There is not a single, universal cause of insecurity. For some, it is a constant underlying buzz, always present and rooted in beliefs formed in childhood. Others experience it more on a situational basis, with a corresponding ebb and flow in intensity. By pinpointing some of the precursors to your own insecurities, you can begin to view them as a reaction rather than a core part of who you are.

Fear of Loss

This is probably the most common underlying source of insecurity. Maybe, like my incoming 6th graders, you fear losing the labels that you identify with. Or maybe you are concerned about losing status. Or wealth. Perhaps you are afraid that if you say the wrong thing or act the wrong way, that you will lose somebody that is valuable to you. Insecurity occurs when you have something but you fear that your grasp is not strong enough and that it will slip right through your reaching fingers.

Periods of Transition

Whenever we are in a state of flux, changing from one state or role into another, we often feel a sense of inadequacy due to underdeveloped skills and unmastered knowledge and a fear of the unknowns inherent in change. This can lead to a sense of being an imposter (even once the learning curve has leveled) or avoiding transitional periods whenever possible.

Times of Uncertainty

Some people handle a state of limbo better than others. For those prone to anxiety, periods of time that have an abundance of unknowns can give rise to insecurity. It’s not uncommon to fret over every decision, turning the perceived pros and cons over and again until your mind is spinning. This lack of trust in your abilities to make a solid choice can lead to decision paralysis or an acquired helplessness if decisions are always relegated to others.

Concern of Not Being Enough

This cause may begin in childhood, with an absent or hard-to-please parent giving the impression that you’re not good enough for them. This sense of insecurity may be generalized or may be tied to a particular skill or trait that your parent held in particular esteem. In adulthood, this sense of not being enough can develop after (or in anticipation of) rejection or abandonment.

Inadequate Communication

Our brains despise a vacuum. So when you’re in a situation where you receive inadequate feedback or information, that void can trigger a sense of insecurity as you begin to ponder the worst. One of the problems with this type of insecurity is that it is difficult to tell what may be your intuition cluing you in that something is amiss and what is simply your brain telling you scary fiction.

Gaslighting or Emotional Abuse

This is the most malevolent insecurity, as it is intentionally cultivated by somebody else in an attempt to manipulate or control you. This sort of covert abuse is challenging to recognize and overwhelming in its intensity. If you’re starting to doubt yourself and your perceptions ay every turn and you cannot pinpoint a reason, you may want to examine your relationships for signs of control.

Overcoming Insecurity

What NOT to Do to Overcome Insecurity

Insecurity is an awful feeling. It’s a restlessness, an agitation that precludes feelings of peace. It often causes us to act in unhealthy or ineffective ways as we search for external fixes for our internal plight. The following are some of the common methods attempted to eradicate insecurity that are ineffective at best and maybe even harmful.

Pretending to Be Someone You’re Not

There is definitely something to the adage, “Fake it until you make it” when you’re navigating a new situation or challenge. But some take this too far and assume an entirely new persona in an attempt to please others or fill a perceived role. This will ultimately only compound your problems as you begin to feel like you will only be accepted if you hide your true self.

Assigning Responsibility to Others

I see this response so often in my female students. When they’re feeling insecure about their looks (just like every other preteen and teenage girl on the planet), they often turn to social media in a search for validation and approval. With every “like,” their spirits soar. And then just one cruel or harsh comment can undo every positive reaction. And in a strange way, the negative comments ring more “true” because they echo the self-doubts that are already within. And there’s another problem with fishing for compliments – at some level, you always know that you’re baiting the hook.

Baidaiding

I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling insecure, I develop an urge to purchase new clothes or makeup. This is a type of bandaiding, covering the discomfort with a temporary covering in an attempt to make me feel more confident. I’ve also noticed that this reaction often backfires, not only offering a short period of relief, but also creating feelings of regret.

Fixation

This reaction is often seen in those struggling to avoid their ex’s social media. Their own insecurities are manifested in an obsessive focus on their ex and/or their ex’s new partner. It’s both a distraction from the insecurity and a source of fuel that feeds the insecurity. Like with bandaiding, it may feel good in the moment, but often leaves you feeling worse after.

Immediately Discounting the Feeling

Some people have trouble admitting to feeling insecure as it is seen as “weak” or vulnerable. When insecurity is immediately brushed aside without consideration, it leaves no room to understand and address the actual causes of the doubt. In the worst cases, the insecurity is hidden behind a steamrolling force of false bravado, the ego leaving little room for compassion.

Attempting to Control

It makes sense, doesn’t it? If we’re worried about losing something, we have a tendency to grasp on even stronger. As though we can prevent loss through sheer determination and force of will. For some people, insecurity manifests in an attempt to orchestrate everything around them. To make it “just so” so that they can maintain the illusion that control can replace trust.

What TO Do to Overcome Insecurity

Insecurity can become overwhelming. Your fear of taking the wrong step preventing you from moving forward at all. Your endless comparisons leading you to believe that you’ll never measure up. Your hesitation at facing the truth keeping you blinded.

Insecurity feels all-powerful. Yet you’re really the one at the helm. Here’s how you can learn to overcome your insecurity:

Accept That Certainty Is an Illusion

Consider for a moment the antonyms of insecurity – safety, protection, invulnerability, and certainty. Those are all states that we strive for. We yearn for that ultimate sense of security that the lucky among us experienced periodically as a child. And the reality is that even that occasional sense of ultimate stability was only because we were too young to understand how easily it could be threatened.

A state of insecurity is inevitable. No foundation is immune to cracks. No rug is completely slip-resistant. And change and loss are guaranteed. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s because you’re fighting against the natural and the inevitable.

There’s a sort of confidence that can come from accepting this impermanence. From stopping the illusion that if you just work hard enough, hold on tightly enough, or control everything enough, that you can keep things as they are.

Detach From the Outcome

When I first started dating again, one of the many fears that held me back was the concern that the relationship would end, like my marriage, with some sort of abandonment or betrayal. I led with that fear, feeling insecure in my ability to maintain a relationship with somebody who wouldn’t behave badly.

During one particularly difficult evening, I pulled out my journal and made two columns – things I can control and things I cannot control. Under the first list, I added items like choosing a partner, learning to handle my triggers and not tolerating abusive behavior. Betrayal and abandonment went in the second column. No wonder I was feeling insecure; I was trying to control the outcome when I could only influence the process.

No matter what you do or who you are, it will not be enough for some people. And as long as you have acted within your values, done your best to be kind and put forth your highest effort, they’re opinions don’t matter.

Strive to Get Out of Your Head

When you’re in an echo chamber, you risk only hearing your own critical thoughts bouncing back at you. It’s amazing how our minds can take one little fact (They didn’t text back immediately.) and spin it into an entire narrative (I bet they’re falling out love and they are currently flirting with someone that they met at lunch. I won’t go through that again. I wonder if I’ll be able to get out of the lease…).

And like with anything, the more you allow your mind to travel that path, the more of a habit it will become.

Take a break from your own thoughts. Surround yourself – and listen – to others. Even, perhaps especially, those you disagree with. Get moving, when your body is moving forward, your brain naturally tags along. Strive to enter a flow state through art or sport or work, where time ceases to exist and the activity has become all-consuming.

Recognize That Insecurity Is Often Fleeting and Cyclical

I’ve just wrapped my seventeenth year teaching. And I’m still insecure at the beginning of every school year. I doubt my abilities to form relationships with the kids, I worry that they will be unable to master the material and I question my own capacity with the mathematics. I still feel insecure, but it no longer bothers me. I trust that it will build through the first week of school and then begin to dissipate as I again find my stride.

And this is often how insecurity operates. It swells and recedes, according to the calendar or some other external rhythm. This sort of periodic insecurity doesn’t require much intervention. Just an acknowledgement (Oh, I’m feeling insecure again.) and faith that it will only be temporary.

Set and Accomplish Meaningful Goals

When everybody gets a trophy, every trophy becomes meaningless. It is much the same with our personal goals. When you set (and even reach) a low bar, you fail to build any confidence in yourself. In fact, you may even find that you outright dismiss your achievements because you know that they don’t really represent a challenge.

Insecurity begs us to set these safe goals, to stay in a place of guaranteed success. Yet staying there only feeds the self-doubt. Instead, try something new. Something scary. Something difficult.

Yes, you may fail (And so what if you do?). But you also might surprise yourself. And that trophy certainly has meaning.

Separate Mistakes From Your Character

When you’re feeling insecure, mistakes become very threatening. An error in judgment or a misstep can easily be interpreted as a defect in character, thus both confirming and inflating your feelings of unworthiness. When you’re operating from this place of low esteem, it’s easy to see others as flawless and fear that you are somehow irrecoverably broken.

Of course, neither is true. And your mistakes are a sign that you are learning and trying, which is an indication that you’re brave and persistent. Both excellent qualities to have.

_____

The end of the first nine weeks is often a crisis point in my 6th grade accelerated math class. The kids are insecure, questioning their abilities no matter how many times I reassure them that struggle is normal and no matter how much they see the kids around them falter as well. Some give in to this feeling and drop out, preferring to move to class where they are again assured of their top standing. 

But most tough it out. And even as they question their ability to master the math, they keep trying. When they receive a poor grade, they no longer see that number as a reflection of themselves. They begin to accept that struggle is not only inevitable, but often desirable. Instead of turning away from challenge, they embrace it.

They become willing to take risks, trusting that they will find their way through. Mistakes become normalized and simply part of the process. They slowly start to again see themselves as smart. As capable.

But this time, those beliefs are not so easily threatened because they have been constructed to withstand the inevitable tremors and obstacles that will come their way.

And ultimately that’s how to overcome insecurity – Not by believing that your foundation is solid, but by trusting that your footing is capable and malleable. That even when things change, you’ll be able to adapt and thrive.

The Pathology Behind the Lie

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I don’t get spooked easily.

But I’m spooked right now.

Not because of anything imminent.

But because I’m really starting to understand what kind of danger I may have been in.

When the police first told me how lucky I was to make it out of my first marriage alive, I brushed off their concern. After all, they were talking about the man who had cared for me when I was sick and would gently slide my glasses off my sleeping face each night. How could he have tried to kill me?

Yet even though it seemed unfathomable and he had made no direct threats, I found that I was frightened of him. The reports from his other wife that she found evidence that he was planning her death didn’t help to calm my nerves. And the police took his actions and my fears seriously, setting up nightly patrols during those first few uncertain weeks.

Even then, I didn’t really take it seriously.

But now I do.

And my change in perspective came from the most unlikely of places – a podcast about Casey Anthony, the Florida woman who was accused of killing her young daughter in 2008.

At the time of the trial, I remained largely ignorant of the intense publicity. I knew only the basic outline – she accused the babysitter of kidnapping her child and the child’s body was found some time later.

But listening to the podcast?

In many ways, I felt like I knew her.

Because even though she was a twenty-something mother accused of murder and my ex-husband was a thirty-two-year-old man who committed bigamy and fraud, they were operating out of the same playbook.

And the more I heard about her lies and realized the parallels with my ex’s, the more spooked I became. A feeling of looking down and suddenly realizing that you’re precariously perched high above the security of the ground.

(A quick note here before I delve into the details: As stated, I never followed this case while it was active. Even now, I have not referenced any sources apart from this podcast. There may be information that was discussed in the show that is incorrect or incomplete. Frankly, I’m spooked enough from these details; I have no interest in digging any deeper. Also, I have my gut feelings about Casey’s involvement in Caylee’s death, but I’m not going to speculate about that here. I’m more interested in her multiple lies and her reactions (or non-reactions) to her daughter’s disappearance and then confirmed death.)

In many ways, I’m still too close to my ex’s lies to be able to see them all clearly. They are so interwoven with my own memories of what I believed at the time, that it is difficult for me to be objective. In listening to the description of Casey Anthony, I was able to see these behaviors in a more impersonal and detached manner.

And realizing these similarities makes me truly wonder what my ex was (is?) capable of.

 

Everything’s Fine

Casey Anthony’s daughter was missing for 39 days. For most of that, Casey kept insisting that everything was fine. Whenever her mother asked about Caylee, she was told that she was an amusement park or with the nanny. Any concern was brushed off with an, “How can you be so ignorant as to think that?” attitude.

My ex had been living a double life for years at the time he left and the financial deceptions that he carried out were beginning to reach critical mass. It got to a point where he was no longer able to shield me from everything (although he gave it a damn good try, including cutting the phone line so that I couldn’t receive calls from creditors). Whenever I would see something that would give me pause, his reaction would always be, “How could you be so ignorant or distrustful to question that?”

 

Real-Life People Becoming Fictitious Characters

When Casey could no longer deny that her daughter was missing, she then claimed that she was kidnapped by the babysitter. She described to the police how she met this woman through a mutual acquaintance and that she used to babysit his child. This man was real, but he not only didn’t know this babysitter. He had no children.

My ex used a friend in a similar manner. He claimed (to both his other wife and the police) that he co-owned this friend’s business and had a great deal of money coming to him as part of the agreement. This friend (although I’m not sure that’s the correct term) was real. The business was real. But everything else my ex claimed was simply fabricated to connect the dots of lies he had spread.

If They Don’t Exist, Create Them

Sometimes the character needed for the story you’re telling doesn’t exist. When that happened to Casey Anthony, she simply invented the person. For the month that her daughter was missing, she consistently made the claim that her child was with the babysitter. But there was no babysitter. After she accused the nanny of stealing her daughter, she was forced to bring more detail to this imagined character. And she did, even describing the details of the woman’s apartment (which was a merely a vacant unit when the police investigated).

When my ex met his soon-to-be other wife, he told her he was divorced and that his ex-wife was remarried. This fabricated “second husband” of mine remained a mere sketch until he tried using the same story with the police. And they pushed for details. So my “husband” and I had been married a year, were on friendly terms with my ex (in fact, apparently he even attended our imaginary wedding), lived in Snellville and had three dogs. Oh, and my husband apparently worked as a chiropractor. Strangely, I appreciate the fact that if my ex was going to invent a life for me, at least it seems he made up a good one.

 

Names of Fictitious People Pulled From the Environment

Of course, the nanny that Casey Anthony invented needed a name. She was given the made-up moniker Zenaida Fernandez-Gonzalez, which was later found to be cobbled together from the names of Casey’s boyfriend’s neighbors. Unfortunately, there did happen to be a real Zenaida Fernandez in the Orlando area at the time. I can only imagine the trauma this poor woman faced as she was questioned by the police and hounded by the media.

My ex was also forced to come up with a name for my fabricated husband. He settled on Mark (Marc?) Mercer. When I learned about this pretend husband’s name from the arresting officer, my mind immediately remembered a prominently-placed billboard for Mercer University. The location? Snellville.

 

Just Write it Yourself

Casey Anthony apparently created several email addresses to send messages as other people. She apparently didn’t know enough about IP addresses to not be fingered as the origination point of these emails.

My ex got into my email account and sent a “Merry Christmas” email from me to him that incorporated the fake fact that we were divorced. The only problem? This email was dated in July because he either neglected to alter the date or didn’t know how.

 

Fake the 9 to 5

For months, Casey Anthony told he friends and family that she had a well-paying job as an event planner at Universal Studios. She would get up, get dressed, and go…well, anywhere but Universal Studios, as they had no record of her ever being an employee. My favorite detail – when the police asked her to take them to where she worked (after they learned that Universal didn’t know her), she walked them into one the buildings, up an elevator and down a hall. She didn’t admit the truth until her back was literally against the wall.

I’ve had to try to fill in the gas about my ex’s fake employment, as he took all of the related documentation when he left, but from what I uncovered, he pretended to have clients in his freelance business for quite some time. He made up assignments, pretended to work on them when I went downstairs to his basement office and funneled money from credit cards when he needed to get paid from his invented clients.

 

If You’re Backed Into a Corner, Just Change Direction

When police discovered that the nanny’s supposed apartment was vacant (and had been for quite some time), Casey Anthony then came up with a new story about the nanny’s location.

When asked by the police why he was recently in Brazil, my ex first denied ever being there. Then, when confronted with the evidence of the trip from passport records, he then claimed that it was a work trip (this was the story that I had been told along with details that even included pictures of the trade show he supposedly was working). The police then proved this claim false with a short phone call to his boss. Although he was no longer freelancing at this point, he then asserted that he was doing a side job for somebody. His other wife soon dismissed this fiction as well.

 

Financial Lies and Bad Checks

Casey Anthony had a problem. She told everyone she had a job that paid well, yet she often had no real source of income. While her parents bought her gas and often provided her with a roof over head, she faked the rest with a series of bad checks.

I don’t have much detail about most of my ex’s financial deceptions because the evidence went with him (but suffice to say, he made many purchases with money that he didn’t have). But I did get to see a series of emails between the band that played at his illegal wedding and he and the other wife. He continually assured them that “the check is in the mail.” I’m sure. He also strung his attorney out who made the comment to me after the divorce hearing, “Not until I get paid first.” At that one, I just had to giggle. And then there’s the one that gave me my only sense of justice in this whole mess. He lied on the taxes and, as a result, I was granted innocent spouse relief. Thank you, IRS, for seeing him for what he is.

 

Garnering Sympathy and Flirting With the Professionals

Casey Anthony would flip between continuing to live her life that nothing had happened and playing the victim. After her case was over and she was found not guilty of the murder charges, she started a relationship with one of the investigators from her case.

My ex (and by extension, his attorney), kept whining that I was “vindictive” because I alerted law enforcement about his bigamous marriage. I know, poor baby. In an email to his other wife and my mother, he then went on to describe me as “impossible to live with.” Of course, the letter then went on to accuse me of doing exactly what he was guilty of. Nice try. His smarmy behavior continued when he went to my attorney’s office to pick up some keys. The paralegal called me after he left and said it was disgusting how he was flirting with her and trying to win her over. Maybe he was looking for wife number three?

 

I know that the possible murder of a child and the deceptions involved in fraud and bigamy are worlds apart. I’m not trying to equate those two situations. Yet, if Casey Anthony did intentionally kill her daughter, it doesn’t seem to be an act driven by malice or even momentary rage. Instead, it would have been an act by somebody who is willing to take extreme actions to get what they want without concern for the consequences.

And by seeing those parallels between her undertakings and my ex’s, I now am starting to believe that he really was capable of taking extreme actions. Maybe even extending to murder.

And that is spooky.