Subtle Signs You’re Being Manipulated By a Covert Abuser

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Covert abuse is sneaky.

It doesn’t leave a bruise on your cheek.

Or cut you down with scathing words.

Or even obviously isolate you from others.

Instead, it wisps in slowly through tiny cracks. Velvet-trimmed lies whispered into trusting ears. The smoke builds until you no longer remember what it is like to see clearly and your head is filled more with the thoughts of your abuser than with your own.

It’s often only possible to identify covert abuse once you have escaped its clutches (and even then, it usually takes a period of months or years to fully grasp what happened). It’s like a domestic form of Stockholm Syndrome, the persecutor masquerading as a protector.

The following are the subtle signs that were present in my ex husband. Small dots of data that when connected, paint a crimson flag of warning. If you see a preponderance of similar signs in your relationship, it warrants further investigation. If you recognize these traits in your former relationship, it can give you some information that can aid in the healing process.

These signs are subtle and can have many causes and manifestations. Just because someone fits these descriptors, it does not mean they are covert abusers or narcissists. But it does mean that you should look twice. Especially before you leap into marriage with them.

Continue to read the rest.

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What Makes a Marriage Successful? (And Why Divorce Does Not Mean Failure)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage successful

What REALLY makes a marriage successful? I’ve always found it funny/sad how we classify marital success purely by its duration. I mean, imagine if we applied this same metric to other areas of our lives –

She was a really great student – she was in school for fifty years!

He was an amazing dog, but he was a failure as a pet because he died before he turned ten.

It was a wonderful dinner. The service was so slow that the meal lasted for hours!

I’m afraid I have to give the book only one star because it ended.

Pretty crazy, huh?

So why do we then so easily apply this faulty logic to marriages? Classifying them as failures if they end and successes if they persist?

I think we all have seen (either from within or from the outside looking in), marriages that go the duration yet are filled with contempt, isolation and misery.

And we have all witnessed relationships that were once strong and fulfilling come to a premature end as the individuals or the circumstances changed.

Yet in our cultural lexicon, the first couple is heralded as a success (and sometimes even asked for their marital wisdom) while the latter is written off as a failure.

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Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate what makes a successful marriage.

Because it is certainly both more complex and more challenging than simply managing to hold on to one another for a lifetime of journeys around the sun.

In a successful marriage,

You both play for the same team. You know that there will be disagreements about how things should be done. But rather than view your spouse as your opponent in these arguments, you see him or her as your ally in life.

The good interactions outweigh the bad. There will be rolled eyes and hurt feelings. And they will be smothered by hugs and positive words.

You share common goals and values. Even when you take different paths to get there.

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Support is given freely and challenges are presented. You don’t seek to change your partner; you want to enhance the best parts of your partner.

A growth mindset is present. Both for the marriage and for the individuals that comprise the union. Each person learns and grows in response to struggle and success.

Mistakes are perceived as opportunities. And the actions are condemned. Not the person.

There is a balance of independence and interdependence.

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The difficult conversations happen. And problems are perceived as a challenge to overcome together.

Each person takes responsibility for his or her own stuff. And each person is willing to carry more than his or her share when the situation demands. Because there will be days when the commitment to the marriage is greater than your commitment to your spouse.

A legacy is left, either by the children born from the union or the others inspired or influenced by the couple. A successful marriage is greater than itself.

And here’s the hard part –

A successful marriage accepts when it is no longer successful. It is willing to make the agonizing decision to pull the plug rather than condemning both people to live in the diminished world of a marriage on life support.

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Now it is true that no good marriages end in divorce.

But it is also true that the marriage that ended may not be the same marriage that existed for some time before.

It’s not just about the number of years.

It’s more about what you do with those years.

And if that marriage brought a smile to your face and eased your burden,

If that marriage challenged you to learn and grow,

If that marriage taught you what it was like to share a common dream and common goals,

If that marriage opened your heart and made you feel seen and understood,

If that marriage made an impact on others,

If that marriage pushed you and tested you,

If that marriage made you realize that nobody else can make you happy,

If that marriage taught you what you don’t want,

If that marriage inspired you to never again allow anyone else to reduce your worth,

If that marriage taught you how strong you are,

Then that marriage was successful.

No matter how long it lasted.

Or how it ended.

Take the lessons and move on.

Because the only failed marriage is one that you refuse to learn from.

Related:

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

10 Contradictory Qualities of a Good Marriage

The Four Words That Are Holding You Back (And the Four Words to Say Instead)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holding

It’s ingrained in all of us.

Inevitably, when I motion for a student to quiet down, I hear the response,

“It’s not my fault.”

(Or its synonym, “It wasn’t me.”)

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It is a knee-jerk reaction to any pronouncement of culpability.

And rather than grow out of it as we grow older, we begin to pay others to tell us that it is not our fault.

———-

When I first starting getting into health and fitness in the early 90s, I noticed that the industry advice came in two distinct forms – one voice said that you could transform your life and your body through willpower and hard work while the other side spoke of reassurances that the excess weight or sagging muscle was due to no fault of your own (and often this burden shift would be followed up with a “quick fix” for the low, low price of only $19.95).

And I soon figured out that the second view led to increased sales.

Even as it failed to create the desired body.

Because we all like to hear that it’s not our fault. That someone or something else is responsible for whatever is holding us back.

Yet even though we all have situations and circumstances that make certain goals more challenging, you are ultimately the only thing holding you back.

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I encounter people that tell me that they cannot lose weight because of PCOS or hypothyroidism. “It’s in my genes,” is offered as a reason for the Type II diabetes or metabolic syndrome. I hear others defend their lack of fitness by claiming that their family or job requires all of their time.

They feel a freedom by stating that it is not their fault.

Yet really they are in chains of their own making.

I workout alongside people who use wheelchairs and people with artificial limbs. I have friends who alternate days at the gym with nights at the hospital as they are treated for their autoimmune disorders. I know women with PCOS who accept that weight loss will be harder for them even as they strive to work within the limitations of their disease. I work with single parents who problem-solve creative ways to exercise while the kids are at practice or asleep.

I’ve never once heard any of these people say that the situation is not their fault.

And it’s no accident that they are constantly pushing the boundaries of their situations.

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———-

The problem with, “It’s not my fault,” is that it so easily slides into “And therefore there’s nothing I can do about it.”

And the two declarations are vastly different.

It is not your fault if you have been cursed by faulty genes that cause your body to grasp onto every fat cell for dear life.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It is not your fault if you suffered at the hands of abusive or negligent parents who failed to give you the tools to excel in adulthood.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It is not your fault if you have been exposed to trauma, bruising and damaging your very core.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It’s not your fault if your brain struggles with anxiety or depression.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It’s not your fault if your spouse cheated or abandoned you.

(And what are you going to do now?)

In all of these cases (or in any limitations and struggles you have in your life), you can spend your energy on blaming the fault-carrier. Others will help you, either for pay or for free. After all, it’s easy to point fingers at others.

Because then we are absolved of any effort.

Of course, we are also guaranteed not to make any progress.

Because the last time I checked, reps of reciting “It’s my hormones,” had a dramatically lesser effect on fitness than reps on the weight machine.

And assigning liability to a screwed up family of origin is inherently dissatisfying because they’re too entrenched in their own drama to absorb yours.

And calling your cheating ex an ass won’t help you get off yours to build your new life.

So rather than focus on what happened, focus on what you can do now.

Replace “It’s not my fault” with “It is my responsibility.”

Rather than point fingers (or waste your time and money on those that help you pass blame), use those fingers to grab your own bootstraps.

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Nobody else is going to do it for you.

———-

Your future is your responsibility.

Your well-being is your responsibility.

Your happiness is your responsibility.

And if you don’t accept that responsibility, that IS your fault.

———-

It is my responsibility to …

Shift my attention from what happened to me to what I am going to make happen.

Focus on what I can do.

See my limitations as my starting point, not as excuses to never start.

Be realistic with my goals.

Set a limit to the amount of energy I expend on placing blame. That energy can be put to better use.

Surround myself with people who believe I can.

Ask for (and accept) help when I need it.

To refuse to allow somebody else to define me.

Communicate my needs clearly and calmly.

Manage my emotions so that they do not control me.

Establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.

Speak and act with kindness. Towards others and also towards myself.

Believe in myself and act in accordance with that belief.

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And what are you going to do now?

Related:

The Part of the Betrayed

Sprained

I’m Not Strong Enough

Are You Setting Healthy Boundaries or Hiding Behind Walls?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
healthy boundaries

I thought I was setting boundaries.

But in reality I was also building walls.

It’s easy to do. To get so carried away with a line in the sand that it becomes the beginning of a foundation of a fortress. A stronghold intended to keep you safe. But that really holds you prisoner.

Do you know the difference between setting healthy boundaries and constructing isolating walls?

Boundaries

tennis-court-443267_1280Boundaries are rational and deliberate lines that define what is and is not allowed to be done to you. They are communicated and consistent and are less about keeping others out than keeping yourself intact.

Boundaries allow others to see you. Be with you. But they don’t allow others to use you.

Boundaries say, “I’m not letting anyone abuse me” and “You can come in as long as you abide by the rules.”

Healthy boundaries are anchored in awareness and self-respect. When in place by both partners, boundaries allow for a deeper connection because both people don’t feel as though they are threatened by an increase in vulnerability.  Although you may be hurt, your self will remain intact.

Examples of boundaries include not tolerating abusive actions or language, refusing to accept the responsibility for another’s happiness or choices and not acting in opposition to your own values and ethics.

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Walls

brick-293507_1280Emotional walls are bricks of self-protection mortared with fear. They are erected as a result of being wounded. They are rarely acknowledged and their existence is often only discovered when somebody runs head-first into one. Unlike boundaries, which only keep out those who misbehave, walls do not discriminate – they hold everyone back.

Walls say, “I will never allow myself to be hurt again” and “I’m not letting anyone get close to me.”

Walls are built upon fear. When one or both partners in a relationship is hiding behind walls, a deeper connection forged through vulnerability is impossible. As a result, the partner(s) hiding behind the walls may feel safe, but he or she will also feel empty and disconnected because the true self is not being seen. The wall keeps others out. And it also holds you prisoner.

Examples of walls include never letting your emotions show, deliberately withholding important information from a potential partner and isolating out of a fear of being hurt again.

wallsWhich are you building? Walls? Or boundaries?

What I Really, Really, Really Wish I Could Tell My Ex Husband

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ex husband

“I was right.”

Now, I’m well aware that those words sound sanctimonious and snotty. But I also think I’ve earned a little sanctimonious and snotty after dealing with abandonment and betrayal.

Besides, they’re true. I was right all those years ago.

And I really, really, really wish I could tell him that using a napkin to blot oil off your pizza actually does make a difference.

Told ya so.

It’s funny – I was asked last summer to write a follow up letter to this one to my ex husband.

And I couldn’t do it. It was like being word-blocked by the Raven’s defense when they’ve got it going on. I realized that I really have nothing left to say to him. At least nothing of much substance.

But while I have his ear, there are a few other tidbits I would like to pass along.

-We have a contractor coming out today to measure the kitchen for an updating. It brings back memories (good) of us doing house projects together and memories (awful) of the endless dust of the popcorn ceiling removal. You were a trooper with that orbital sander. I also awed the salesman with my knowledge of the difference between MDF and particleboard. I have you to thank for that.

-I’m going to hear Korn in a couple weeks perform their first album. Remember when we first saw them open for Ozzy? That was a great performance.

-You’re missing the best of me. Of course, I’m the me I am now because of what to did to me. So, thank you.

-But please, don’t be an asshole. You’ve already used up your lifetime allotment of jerkiness.

-And if you’re still in touch with your mom, please give her a hug for me. I miss her.

Oh, and if you’re still struggling with your weight, maybe try blotting that pizza 🙂

And if you have a letter to write to your ex, check out this awesome opportunity to contribute to the colective wisdom around divorce and starting over!