Check In – How Have You Proved Yourself Wrong?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Back at the beginning of the year, I proposed a challenge for 2015 – Prove yourself wrong:

I’ve never been much of a fan of resolutions. Perhaps it’s because I see the bodies flock to the gym every January only to be back on their respective couches by Valentine’s Day. Or I see the impassioned declarations about eating clean shared publicly on Facebook and I spy a doughnut in the poster’s hand before the month is out. I get it. Change is hard. And in order for change to occur, you have to be ready. And that may not correspond neatly with the dawning of the new year.

Which is why I like to offer up a little twist on the traditional resolutions.

Here is my offering from last year: Celebration, Enhancement, Intention.

This year is a little different. This year I propose a challenge. To be completed by December 31, 2015. And, yes, I will be holding you accountable.

Nervous yet?

Don’t be.

Here it is – over the year, I want you to prove yourself wrong.

That’s it.

No calories to count or reps to complete (unless of course, that’s how you’re proving yourself wrong).

All you have to do is find one belief you currently hold and change your mind about it.

Confused? I’ll give you some ideas:

-Start by thinking of the things you say you “can’t” do. Pick one and do it.

-Examine your thoughts for traces of “always” or “never;” those words usually indicate an underlying stereotype or assumption. Find a counterexample.

-Sift through your responses to people and claims. Look for those topics that make you defensive. That’s a sign that you think you can’t handle some truth. Prove that you can.

It’s so easy to operate within a prison of possibilities built by our own limiting thoughts.

This is your year to break through.

Prove yourself wrong.

Remember, I’ll be checking up on you:)

Now here we are. Six weeks later. Over forty days and countless opportunities to prove yourself wrong.

So have you?

I proved myself wrong just yesterday. I’m probably the world’s worst napper (just ask my mother, who had to survive my infancy). When I was tired and sluggish yesterday afternoon, the idea of a nap sounded appealing, but then I shut down the idea with the though, “You know you can never manage to nap.”

And I became determined to prove myself wrong. To tell that internal limiting voice to shove it so that I could sleep.

And sleep I did.

With only the slightest amount of guilt for “wasting” part of a Sunday afternoon.

It felt wonderful not only to rest, but also to prove myself wrong.

What have you done in the past 6 weeks that you thought you could not do?

How have you proved yourself wrong?

Thoughts Overdone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m starting to get nervous. Sleep has become a little more difficult. I’m reverting to my safe place in my head where I rehearse and try on various if…then scenarios. I’m making lists (Yes, plural. I’m just cool like that:) )and planning food because it keeps my mind off the imminent reality.

No, I’m not having surgery or facing some difficult exam. I’m not preparing for some intercontinental voyage or training for some intense race.

I’m going skiing.

Baby-level skiing. And not even for the first time.

(For a great laugh, read about my first time – and see my patented baby giraffe learning to walk pose – here.)

But I’m good great at overthinking. Trusting my analytical brain over the natural wisdom of instinct and body.

And sometimes well-done thoughts are appropriate.

Skiing is not one of those times.

I’m always fascinated by books that address how we think. In Blink, Malcolm Gladwell explores “thin-slicing,” demonstrating how we can often make better decisions with less information and time and that extra information simply tends to muck up the cognitive gears. He uses marriage expert John Gottman as one of his subjects, describing how Gottman can predict with a 95% accuracy rate if a couple will still be married in 15 years simply be observing them together for an hour.

Daniel Kahneman, in his book Thinking Fast and Slow, divides cognitive processes into two systems: one that is fast, intuitive and emotional (as detailed in Blink) and the other that is slower, more logical and deliberate. He shows that the faster system, although critical to our functioning, is also subject to error (like the sunk cost fallacy and confirmation bias). However, the more analytical system is also not without problems as too much information can lead to paralysis and this system requires more energy and attention.  And, as I am now facing with skiing, this system is not always appropriate for the situation. Sometimes, you have to go with your instincts.

Most of us have a tendency to either act too impulsively or to spend too much time overthinking before we take action. Rarely does someone walk a balanced line between the two systems.

Which for some strange reason, always reminds me of steak.

Stay with me:)

Even though I was not officially a vegetarian until my teenage years, I always had…issues with meat. I distinctly remember one summer evening at my grandparent’s house on Washington Island, WI when I was around ten. My grandfather grilled steaks for dinner, sliding them onto to the plates when they were probably about medium well. I cut into my portion and immediately asked if it could be put back on the grill. It sat over the coals while everyone else finished their dinners and the plates were almost completely cleared. By the time I deemed the meat ready to eat, it was more rawhide than shoe leather, certainly everything that would qualify it as a “good” steak had long since been cooked out. Too much time on the grill didn’t make it better (although to me, it made the texture less “meaty” and therefore easier to eat).

My ex was the opposite when it came to steak; he used to ask for his blue. As in still cold in the middle. Even the thought still makes me shudder. Obviously to him, the taste was preferable to cooked meat, but I know most people would agree that at least a little heat improves the flavor and texture of a steak. Not to mention the safety.

My thoughts can all too easily become like my steak on that night. When I find myself spending too much time thinking and not enough time trusting my instincts, I remind myself to take my thoughts off the grill before they become too dense and overdone.

On the flipside, when I sense myself acting too impulsively (rare, but it does happen), I remind myself to let the ideas cook a little longer. Much like raw meat, underdone thoughts can be dangerous and bloody.

In fact, most thoughts are best when they’re served medium.

If you find that you have a tendency to overthink, try some of the following:

-Set a limit for yourself (time or resources) before you act on your decision.

-Do something that takes you out of your head (dance, play, etc.).

-Make a pro/con list and then go with your gut once it’s done. In fact, write it and destroy it if you’re concerned you’ll spend too much time weighing the options.

-Trust that you handle the results of whatever decision you implement.

-If you have to wait to act (like me at the moment with skiing), distract your brain and give it other things to do.

-Mediate and soften the thoughts.

-Write it out. It helps to untangle your thoughts.

-Make sure that any resources you gather don’t simply support your decision; for better decisions, listen to the other side.

-And don’t forget to laugh. It puts it all into perspective:)

Now, just to take my own advice and relax and trust my instincts so that I can enjoy the mountain!

December Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

These are all articles I’ve collected over the last few months that I wanted to share with you. Some are about healing relationships while others are about ending relationships or how to survive once it’s over. Each one holds some nugget of wisdom that is worth passing on.

So pour the coffee, pull up a chair and get your read on:)

 

Are You In a Relationship With An Unavailable Person? 

This article discusses how we often mistake intensity for intimacy and gives twelve signs to look for in your partner (or yourself!) that indicate that somebody has trouble with vulnerability and connection. Read more here.

 

8 Scientific Facts About Successful Marriages

Some of these are obvious. Others, less so. It’s always good to reminded about what makes relationships – not just marriages – work. Read more here.

 

15 Reasons to Date a Martial Artist

Okay, so I married one. So I may be a bit biased:) Many of these are excellent traits in any partner, not just one who trains. Number 6 was especially key to me after the way my ex handled things. Read more here.

 

5 Surefire Ways to Kill a Relationship

I would wager that if you’re being honest, you would recognize at lease one of these patterns in your own relationship repertoire to some extent. If you name it, you can change it. Read more here.

 

35 Ways to Tell If It’s Over, And to Tell Your Partner

Do you want step-by-step instructions on what to do once you start thinking that the relationship has reached its end? You’ve come to the right place. Read more here.

 

3 Keys to Ending a Relationship With Dignity

If you know you want to end it, this post lists three important ideas to keep in mind to ensure a “good” breakup for you and your partner. Surprising, they don’t suggest ending a marriage via text. Read more here.

 

Your Brain is Nagging You. Here Are 5 Ways to Make it Stop.

Many of these I use with my coaching clients to help them limit intrusive thoughts about an ex. If you find that your brain fixates on thoughts you would rather not have, this is for you. Read more here.

Thought Patterns

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The way we pattern our thoughts has an enormous impact on our mental health and happiness. Thought patterns can be divided into two main categories. I’m going to call these recursive and input-output. A note to those who are math-phobic: I am going to use some math concepts to explain these thinking patterns. Stay with me; I promise I’ll make it simple:)

Recursive Thinking

In math, we can look at functions (think of these like a rule or pattern) recursively by only considering the output. The rule ignores the input completely and only considers the starting output and the pattern to get from one term to the next. For example, in the table below, the rule would say, “Start with 12 and add 3 each time.” Recursive rules feed upon themselves, with each output based on the one before. They are like a chain, with each term linked to the one before and the one after.

InputIn recursive thinking, your thought pattern is initiated by something: a memory, a trauma, a comment. Your thoughts then feed upon themselves with no regard for any external input. This type of thinking can lead to depression or anxiety as the brain simply continues the emotionally equivalent of “plus 3” with no end in sight. When you feel stuck emotionally, this is the type of pattern you are experiencing. When your reaction builds well beyond the initial stimulus, you are thinking recursively. When you feel sad or angry or anxious even in the face of calm, you are allowing the chain of thought to continue unbroken.

Input-Output Thinking

An input-output rule in math relates the output to the input. For example, in the (identical) table below, the input-output rule would say, “Multiply the input by 3 and add 9.” The output is dependent upon the input. Change the input, and you alter the output.

In input-output thinking, your reactions are based upon the external stimulus rather than your previous thoughts. You may be sad, but the emotion and associated thought patterns are due to your situation. You may respond in anger or feel fear but these are due to the inputs you experience. If you change the input, the associated thoughts will change with it.

Recursion is easy, effortless – which is why it is so valuable in computer programming. Its endless loops create the self-similarity needed for programs to run unaltered. Recursive thinking can be beneficial when it is positive in nature, but all too often it is the negative thoughts that pull us into its pattern.

Recursion has a weakness. Since each output is dependent upon the one before, if you break the chain, you break the pattern. If you catch yourself in this cycling thought pattern, find a way to interrupt the flow. Do something differently to break the cycle. Whatever you normally do or say, don’t. Recursion requires a hands-off approach to survive. So get your hands dirty and change it.

Then, consciously shift your thinking to input-output and deliberately choose positive inputs to encourage positive outputs. Surround yourself with nature, connect with friends, do something that feels good. Change the input and your thoughts will follow.

Input

Thoughts

Posted on by stilllearning2b