The Value of Therapy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
value of therapy

“What is the value of therapy?” the email continues, after the writer has detailed her struggles moving through divorce.

Another message contains the statement, “I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m wondering if it’s working.”

“How do I know if therapy is for me?” implores a man who has been blindsided by his wife’s infidelity.

 

What is the value of therapy?

 

People generally turn to therapy when they are struggling with negative emotions or having trouble processing something in their past or present.  Therapy can serve different purposes depending upon the needs of the person and the specialization of the therapist.

In general, therapy can assume one or more of these roles:

 

Highlighter

It’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Therapists can offer valuable perspective and insight when we’re all-too-easily distracted by the details cluttering up our lives. A skilled therapist can listen to twenty minutes of unloading about a difficult situation and can sum up the core issue(s) in a couple of sentences. Then, once the challenges have been highlighted, you are better able to focus your energy in the areas where you can best effect change.

 

Skill Developer

Many therapies are designed to give people access to a variety of tools that they can then apply on their own in order to improve relationships or personal well-being. A therapist will identify your needs and work with you to develop and practice a variety of coping strategies. As part of this process, you will also learn to recognize the precursors that indicate a need for a particular strategy.

 

Neutral Third Party

Relationships are by definition, emotional. As a result, it can be difficult to work through certain situations within the context of a relationship. The stakes are simply too high to avoid either withdrawal in an attempt to avoid vulnerability or becoming too intense and prompting flooding in the other person. A therapy session offers a safe space and an uninvested third party to work through issues or to practice better communication.

 

Interpretor

What we’re feeling isn’t always an indication of how we feel. As an example, fear often manifests within one or more of these fifteen disguises. Therapists are trained to recognize the emotion behind the presentation. They are adept at naming and describing what you’re feeling. And naming it is often he first step to regaining control over it.

 

Guide

Therapists often act as trail guides. This may be unfamiliar terrain for you, but they have been down this path many times and are familiar with the hazards and the milestones. They will help to prepare you for the upcoming climbs, cheer you on when you become frustrated and will ensure that you don’t stray too far off the path.

 

Affirmer

If you are currently in or were raised in an environment that is abusive or rife with criticism, your therapist can be a vital source of affirmation and acceptance. When you’re feeling cut down, beat down or judges by those around you, therapy can help you see the good within yourself.

 

 

Why might therapy be ineffective?

 

One of the critical factors that makes it difficult to assess the value of therapy is that the results are highly subjective: Do you feel better? Has your functioning improved? Are you having more good moments and fewer bad ones?

And sometimes the answer to those questions is, “No.” The following are some of the reasons that therapy may be ineffective:

 

You waited too long.

You can’t ignore signs of cancer for months and then expect a doctor to immediately cure your stage 4 malignancy. In the same manner, if you have ignored mental health issues for years, there may be limits to what therapy can accomplish. That doesn’t mean that it’s useless, but early intervention often favors better results.

 

You have unrealistic expectations.

No matter how skilled the therapist, they cannot undo the damage caused by a parent’s abandonment. They don’t possess magic wands that can immediately make everything better. If you show up to marriage counseling and you’re spouse has already given up, the therapist can’t force them to change their minds. If your expectations are unrealistic, you will never achieve your goals, therapy or not.

 

You’re seeing the wrong therapist or using the wrong technique for you.

You wouldn’t go to a grill master to learn how to improve your baking, so why go to a therapist who specializes in psychodynamic therapy to learn strategies for dealing with the daily symptoms of anxiety? Before you enter therapy, make sure you know what you’re looking for and that you can communicate those goals to someone who can help you navigate your options.

 

You’re being defensive.

If you’re always looking to defend yourself and/or prove your therapist wrong, you will get nowhere. It’s important to recognize that your therapist is there to help you. And part of that help is challenging your assumptions and ways of interacting. You’re there because you want change and the first step of any transformation is admitting that you can do things differently.

 

You’re not applying the tools.

If the only practice you’re getting with the strategies and skills your therapist is teaching you in in their office, you’re undermining yourself. Changing habits and patterns takes practice. Lots of practice. If you don’t implement what they’re teaching you, your investment is pretty useless.

 

You’re failing to address the underlying issues.

Childhood traumas often present themselves throughout life until we have addressed the initial problem. If you present the current situation to your therapist but neglect to delve into the childhood traumas that primed the pump for your present struggles, your work will have limited success. You have to identify and neutralize the cause.

 

You’re not being honest or transparent.

Your therapist can only work with the material that you give them. If you’re hiding, you are not allowing them to help you. It’s natural to feel ashamed or embarrassed about certain things; however, a therapist’s job is to listen without passing undo judgment. Trust me, they’ve probably heard worse than what you’re holding back. Ultimately, they cannot help you shine light on your problems if you refuse to open the door.

 

Your therapist is retaining the power.

Like with parenting, the role of a therapist is to ultimately put themselves out of a job. Unfortunately, there are therapists out there that like being needed and so they want to ensure that you remain dependent upon them. If you sense that this is your therapists, please look for someone new.

 

Is therapy for you?

 

If you identify with any of the following, therapy may be a good option for you:

 

You’re having suicidal thoughts.

You are having trouble with basic life functions.

Your feelings – sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. – seem overwhelming and difficult to control.

You’re struggling to communicate with somebody in your life.

What you’re trying isn’t working.

You know there’s a problem, but you can’t seem to identify it.

You need a “jump start” to get you on the right track.

You’re feeling isolated and as though you don’t have a strong support system.

You want to increase the tools that you have to deal with life’s challenges.

You’re feeling “stuck” or you are fixated on something in your past.

You want some support and guidance to navigate a life transition (marriage, divorce, death, childbirth, retirement, etc.).

You’re looking for a professional’s opinion on something in your life.

 

Ultimately, therapy is a tool. It can be a valuable opportunity for you to make critical and vital changes to your life or your mindset. Yet, as with any tool, it’s only valuable if it’s the right one for the job and you use it effectively and in a timely manner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Debridement

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was fourteen, I spent several months doing intensive outpatient physical therapy for an arm that had decided to go on strike. I was receiving therapy at an excellent rehabilitation hospital that primarily served inpatients who were working to overcome severe injuries and illnesses.

I spent most of my time in the outpatient gym, a large room outfitted with various tables, pulleys and other torture devices.

But that’s not where the real torture occurred.

Everyone in the outpatient room was pretty much okay, maybe a 6 or 7 on a Likert scale where 1 is dead and 10 is Olympian-healthy. We may have grumbled and cursed and even shed some tears, but we didn’t know what real torture was.

That was reserved for a couple of small, private therapy areas near the pool, just down the hall from the outpatient area. Those treatment rooms were primarily utilized by the burn patients. That was the hell-hole they had to venture to on a regular basis to have their wounds debrided.

For those of you unfamiliar with the process, this is where the patients are placed in a whirlpool tub and the old, dead or dying skin is removed through mechanical means. The nerves beneath the necrotic tissue are raw, screaming with each assault. Often, the patient’s screams could be heard as well echoing down the hall.

It’s a brutal process, especially for those who have burns over a large area of their body. They would begin to feel healed, a barrier forming over their exposed tissue. But the skin formed too soon, before the blood supply was ready to keep up. So that barrier, although it appeared intact, was really an impediment to healing. If left on its own, the dying tissue would spread infection to the rest of the body. And so the old would be removed to allow fresh real estate for new, healthy skin to grow.

For most of us in the outpatient gym, our healing journeys were pretty linear. The data on our charts and the weights on our pulleys spoke of continuous improvement. We could see the impact of our efforts on a weekly, if not daily, basis.

For those scorched souls that I saw wheeled down the corridors and heard wailing down the halls, a linear path to healing was unthinkable. They would make progress only to start back again after being knocked down by infection or delayed healing. I’m sure on many days, getting healthy felt like an impossibility to them.

But in many cases, it did happen.

I remember one man in particular. He sat next to me one day as we both we on the upper body cycle (picture bicycle pedals that you power with your arms). My right hand was fastened to the handle with an adhesive wrap, but other than that minor adjustment, I was pedaling along just fine.

The man next to me? His fingers gripping the handles had burned to not much more than nubs and kept slipping off the pegs. The scars wove up his wrists, disappearing under his long sleeves. I wondered how far the scars extended. Looking down, I saw his unscathed legs visible beneath his shorts. They looked somehow wrong on him, as though the scars had become his normal tissue and the unblemished flesh belonged to someone else.

We chatted that day as we both rotated our pedals to nowhere. He spoke of being burned in a grilling accident, the flames licking up the lighter fluid and developing a taste for human flesh. He told me he was hospitalized for several weeks and then in the inpatient unit of the rehabilitation center for many more. He had been discharged recently and was in the early stages of outpatient therapy.

I asked him about those treatment rooms, about the screams we could hear down the hall. I asked how it felt, both physically and psychologically, returning for more even knowing what was in store.

He spoke of the pain, both of the body and of the mind. But he said it with a levity that surprised me.

He told me how before each treatment, he reminded himself that the debridement was removing the old, the dead, the poison. He saw the pain as the death throes of his enemies, their waste allowing new life to form. He shared the minor successes that were major celebrations. Even though he had setbacks, he never let them become permanent, choosing instead to focus on the slow, but steady improvement. He pedaled that day, not with a grimace belying the pain I knew he felt, but with a smile, happy to be alive and moving.

I learned two things from him that day-

Be careful what you complain about. Someone always has it worse.

And time doesn’t heal all wounds. It debrides them.

Allowing them to heal.

EnLISTed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Part of my daily routine involves reading. A lot of reading. I come by this honestly; both of my parents are avid readers and seekers of information. Hardly a day goes by without at least one of them sending me a link to an article or with me sending one their way. Luckily, most of this is done electronically now, but I still occasionally receive envelopes from my mother that are stuffed with sticky note-laden newspaper and magazine clippings. I love receiving these shared articles (although, I admit to preferring the electronic versions). They are a form of communication and they often stimulate thought and conversation.

Today, I’m sharing my articles with you. All six of these take the form of lists, making them easy to read and digest. I hope you find some valuable nuggets within and please share them with others that you feel may benefit from being enLISTed:)

Heartbroken? Trips to Take the Edge Off 

I’ll admit, when this title came across my news feed yesterday, I ignored it. Actually, I passed it by several times. I expected some drivel about exotic vacations that no mere mortal could afford, especially on the heels of a divorce. I’m glad I ignored my doubting inner voice; there is some good information here and some ideas that don’t require that you win the lottery.

4 Questions Life Coaches Want You to Ask Yourself

Love, love love the shift from “fear” to “alertness.” This is one of concepts that resonated with me big time and I know I will come back to time and time again.

Four Main Reasons Couple’s Therapy Fails

I see couple’s therapy sort of like tutoring. When a parent brings me a child to tutor who is struggling, yet willing to work and open to new ideas, I can make a difference. Tutoring, however, is not a panacea. Simply showing up and writing the check won’t fix a thing. I think this is a good list to read prior to working with a therapist to make sure that you are honest with yourself and that your therapist is a good fit.

23 Self Defeating Games That You Might Not Know You Are Playing

I think this author was reading my mind. How many of these do you relate to? When we are aware of our mental chatter, we can begin to change the dialog. It also helped me recognize and understand games that those around me play.

Ten Things Your Relationship Needs to Thrive

I’ve seen many of the “things your relationship needs” lists, but this is my favorite. It’s both practical and meaningful without being difficult to understand or implement. It’s a good list to keep as a reminder of what you want and where to focus.

Five Ways to Deal With the Blindsided Breakup

The surprise ending makes for a good book or movie but isn’t a pleasant addition to a relationship. This list acknowledges the particular difficulties that occur when you didn’t see it coming. The suggestion about the unrelated goal is one I often give to people – “Do something with a finish line.” My first race ever was a few months after he left. It showed me that I was strong enough even when I felt like I couldn’t take one more step.

 

 

Therapy in the Writing Process

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Journaling has long been accepted as a useful tool in the therapeutic process. Traditional journaling can certainly provide benefits. It is a “safe” space to explore powerful feelings. It encourages reflection and honesty and can lead the writer to a better understanding of him or herself. I believe that journaling can be even more beneficial, specifically  after a traumatic event, when it is expanded to cover the entire writing process. Each step in the process helps to promote healing in a different way and the completion of all of the steps will help the writer to move forward from the trauma.

Pre-write: This is the time to purge all of the negative emotions. Do not censor yourself. Do not worry about sentence structure or grammar; simply let the words flow. This stage is wonderful for helping to cleanse the mind of all of the poisonous emotions that can damage self or others if bottled up or inappropriately expressed. Stay at this stage until the anger has lessened to the point where rationality has returned. Feel free to return to this stage as needed.

Rough Draft: After you have purged your mind of the initial anger and hurt, it is time to start making sense of your trauma. Craft your preliminary version, focusing on organizing your thoughts and ideas.This is the time to begin to make sense of your story. Examine cause and effect. Consider different perspectives. Blend the raw emotion from your pre-writing with rational thought born from time and distance.

Edit: Read your draft. Edit for spelling and grammar. Revise your sentences and paragraphs until they are succinct and powerful. Read your draft again. The editing process allows you to find distance from your story. Each time you read it, especially as your focus is on the mechanics rather than the content, you will find that you become slightly more removed from the pain.

Publish: Don’t worry, you don’t have to have an agent for this or even research self-publishing. Rather, share your story with at least one other person. By sharing your writing, you are showing that you own your story. It is yours to tell as you wish. This helps to take you out of a victim mode and casts you as the author of your life.

Pick up the pen and write the rest of your story.

There’s No Shame in Asking for Help

Posted on by stilllearning2b

"A Helping Hand". 1881 painting by E...

I have always been very independent.  As a very young (and short) child, I would use household objects as tool in order to reach the light switches so that I would not have to depend upon anyone else.  Overall, I believe that this trait has served me well.  Until I got divorced, that is.  Those first few weeks were hell on my body.  I could not eat, causing my already slim frame to waste away to nothing.  My ribs stood out in relief along my back.  My body was racked with tremors, the anxiety too much for mere flesh and bones to contain.  I did not sleep; my body refused to rest.

Those around me encouraged me to try medication.  I resisted.  I was determined to do this alone, without the aid of a pharmacy.  Eventually, my body made the decision for me as days moved into weeks and I saw no improvement.  I ended up with some substantial medication to help me eat and sleep (300 mg Trazadone, if you’re keeping count…and I could still push through that on many nights).  I found peace with my decision to accept pharmaceutical assistance.  Those pills allowed my body to function for the first 8 months.  I let them go when I was able to go solo again.

There is no shame is asking for help.  We accept the fact that those at the at the end of life and those at the beginning of life require assistance, yet we somehow believe that adults should be able to be independent.  Divorce is the death of one life and the infancy of another.  You will need help.

Here are three sources of help you may find you need:

1) Therapy

Depending upon your situation, your prior coping skills, and your support system, you may be in need of therapy.  That is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you are crazy.  You are going through one of the most stressful events that one can endure and you may not be prepared to handle it on your own.  A therapist can be your guide down the road to healing.  Don’t be afraid to try different approaches and different people until you find what works for you.

2) Medication

I had to face the difficult lesson that sometimes you can’t fix your body through sheer will.  Medication may need to be investigated if you are unable to sleep or eat for a significant period or if sadness or anxiety are completely overwhelming.  I know I was afraid of triggering dependency, as I felt that I was in a very vulnerable place.  I discussed this with my doctor and so medications were chosen that were not considered high risk for abuse.

3) Time

Divorce is exhausting.  Adding to that, you have to adapt to your new responsibilities, navigate the court system, and somehow find time to process the whole mess.  This is a time when taking some leave from work is acceptable; your self-work needs to take priority for a while.  If you are parent, ask someone to watch the kids so that you can have some time alone.

It is far better to temporarily suffer the embarrassment and discomfort of asking for help than to permanently suffer in silence.  Ask for a hand, and let it guide you through.