Emotionally Introverted

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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Me on a bike! Let’s just pretend that it’s not because the coast has a dearth of hills:)

Life is beginning to return to normal after my trip to San Antonio. My introverted nature is enjoying the solitude interspersed with connections that I get to savor during the summer. My trip to San Antonio was awesome but it also strains my somewhat reserved nature to always have people around.

Brock stayed behind in Atlanta for this trip. I’m not sure what it was, but I really missed him during my absence. The feeling was mutual. We’re both used to him being gone (generally for only a night or two) for business, but somehow it’s harder when I’m the one out of the house.

My mom and I on our sky swing:) The only thing missing was a dumbwaiter to bring us beverages!
My mom and I on our sky swing:) The only thing missing was a dumbwaiter to bring us beverages!

While I was gone and during my travels home, he expressed how much he missed me and was looking forward to having the pack back together. When he finally picked me up at the train station, I received a passionate hello from Tiger and a distracted peck from Brock.

My feelings were hurt, but luckily, we’ve been here before so I knew his pattern.

After I returned to a lukewarm greeting a couple years ago, I panicked. I read his seemingly uninterested welcome as a sign that he was not happy to see me. I thought he was pulling away because of some terrible reason.

I brought it up. We talked about it.

As he was struggling to help me understand his perspective, he used the term “emotionally introverted” to describe himself. He went on to explain that the feelings he had when we were reunited were overwhelming, flooding him. He had to retreat until he could become comfortable and then he would be ready to connect.

I got it. I know the way I can feel when I walk into a crowded room or I am surrounded by people for days at a time. I know those breaks I need from the stimulation so that I can reset and relax.

He wasn’t withdrawing because of an absence of emotion. He was pulling back because he felt too much emotion.

As an introvert, my behavior can be read as rude or antisocial when I am just overwhelmed and flooded.

As an emotional introvert, his behavior can be read as unloving or distancing when he is really just overwhelmed and flooded.

Even knowing this, it still stings a bit. It’s hard to to take it personally. I’m working on it.

In this instance, I didn’t say anything. I kept myself busy and gave him time. Within a few hours, I had the greeting I wanted – full kisses and a long, prone embrace. It was worth the wait.

It’s so easy to make assumptions about the reasons for someone’s actions. We see there behaviors through our own lenses. It’s worth taking the time to try to see through their eyes. You just may be surprised at what you see.

So now the two introverts – one socially and one emotionally – have both been reset and are happy to be back together as a family. At least until my next trip:)

My boys:)
My boys:)

 

Breakup Advice You Haven’t Heard

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whether it be a brief dalliance or a decades-long marriage, there is no shortage of advice on how to survive a breakup. Much of the advice is sound and can help provide hope and perspective as you face heartbreak. However, when you are facing the intense pain and loneliness of the end of a relationship, you can use all the help you can get. Here are six tips for surviving a breakup that you haven’t heard.

Read the tips here.

 

I Have Something in Common With Katy Perry???

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m old. My students remind me of that every day when they discuss current actors and musicians and I find myself asking, “Who?” As a result of my advanced age and general ignorance of pop culture, I have been largely unaware of Katy Perry. I know her for her bras – there was that one peppermint swirly thingy one and then something about one being too risqué for Sesame Street. I am sure that I would recognize some of her hits, yet I cannot name a single title. I could only pick her out of a lineup if she was wearing the above-mentioned peppermint (flavored?) bra.

English: Katy Perry at MTV Video Music Awards ...
English: Katy Perry at MTV Video Music Awards 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So imagine my shock this morning when the headlines announced that Katy and I are twins in a way. It turns out that her ex husband, Russell Brand, dumped her via text as well and she has not heard from him since. Wow. Sometimes I really do wonder if there is some secret, black market how-to book out there that these people follow (Slimeball For Dummies?).

It’s weird. I never expected to feel a kinship with Katie. After all, she’s 7 years my junior, can sing and has cleavage.

But upon reading that story this morning, I now feel a bond with Katy. I can imagine the shock she felt as she innocently picked up her phone upon the tone that announced an incoming text and read the words from her husband that indicated the end. I can picture her hand trembling as she read and reread the message, trying to gain some understanding of the incomprehensible. I can imagine the panicked thoughts and perhaps messages as she tried to reach out to him and assure herself that it was just some terrible misunderstanding. I can empathize with the growing horror she may have felt as the minutes, hours and then days passed with no further contact. I can sympathize with the anger that seeped in as she realizes that he stole her voice when he chose to exit without allowing for the dignity of a conversation. I can imagine the difficulties she may have finding closure from a marriage that ended in a tsunami.

So, Katy, here’s a great big internet hug for you. I am sorry that I don’t know you as an artist but I now feel like I know you as a woman.

The Day the Marriage Died

When Is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Vengeance

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I read the report of the woman who broadcast a cheater’s picture on Facebook with equal parts understanding, shame and revulsion. When I first decided to go public with my story, I wanted to use his name and his image. I rationalized it by the fact that his arrest records and mugshot are public documents and that I wanted to protect others from a run in with someone so skilled at conning. Luckily, leveler heads in my life talked me out of it.

That was part of my motivation, but I was still angry at that point and I was also motivated by a desire to get revenge. That’s where the shame comes in. I’m uncomfortable with the fact that I felt the impulse to “out” him. Regardless of what he did, that’s not my role. Furthermore, that’s responding from a place that I don’t want to be. That’s playing by his rules.

Some see it as retribution when I discuss what he did.  I’m puzzled by this.

He left me with a text message.

Fact

I never spoke  with him again.

Fact

He stole money and ruined credit.

Fact (backed up by the IRS)

He committed felony bigamy.

Fact (and there is a warrant for his arrest)

Those things happened. Am I only being a “good” ex-wife if I keep my mouth shut and never divulge what he did? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sit well with me. Would I also be expected to protect him if he had been physically abusive? When we keep secrets like this, we give the abuser more power and reinforce the victim role.

I’m not acting to put him in jail but nor I am allowing him to keep me in one.

Vengeance is mine but it is not about shaming him and plastering the internet with his visage. Rather, my revenge is finding a way to use his actions in a positive way. It’s not motivated by a chance to get him back, rather I’m driven by a desire to right some wrongs and create meaning and purpose from the whole thing.

And that’s vengeance I can feel good about.

A Letter to My Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Dear —–,

Fourteen years ago, I was preparing to marry you. I was so excited but, even more, I was so sure. Sure that we were so good together. Sure that we would continue to weather any storm. Sure that we would be together forever.

My belief in our marriage lasted until the day you left. I remember my shock, my disbelief so clearly. I couldn’t understand how you, my beloved husband, could do those things. Even now, four years later, I still don’t understand the choices you made. I suppose I never will.

In an instant, you went from the man I adored to a stranger I feared. In many ways, you have been dead to me since you left. I remember you as you were since I can’t comprehend what you’ve become. It’s almost as though you are two completely separate men to me — the one I was married to and the one who betrayed me. I just can’t understand how you could be both my protector and my persecutor.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post.