Missing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I woke up this morning with that dull ache that comes from missing someone. I wasn’t surprised to feel that void – Brock is out of town, I don’t see family much and most of my local friends have a different spring break this year. But the ache wasn’t for any of those people. It was for my ex mother in law.

I got to know my mother in law well over the 16 years I was with her son. She and I even lived together for a couple weeks while the men were away at work. She was a good woman with a giving heart. I always felt a little sorry for her, however. She was always a bit timid. A bit weak. Uncomfortable in her own skin. Almost missing in her own life.

She had a great relationship with her father yet allowed her adult life to be limited by her complicated relationships with her mother and siblings. She was afraid. Of driving. Of crowds. Of new experiences. Of being alone. That last one is probably what kept her in the relationship with her husband, even as his drinking grew out of control and his personality became more abrasive.

She was a caring parent, yet a distant one. She wanted the best for her son, an only child, yet wasn’t always equipped to help him achieve it. She didn’t want to pass her insecurities on to him and she worked hard to avoid that.

My ex had a complicated relationship with his parents as we moved into adulthood. He went long periods without contact, even though they moved to Atlanta along with us and ended up settling two streets over. His tough love approach seemed to work; they stopped drinking at some point. Even then, he didn’t always maintain contact. I’m not sure why, but I always let him be the one to decide how much contact he wanted. After all, they were his parents.

The last time I spoke to his mom was on the phone a couple weeks after he left. He had been arrested for the bigamy and spent a day in jail until his father posted his bail. He was alone that night. He had been caught. His other wife, upon learning the truth, had left him and his computers and car were impounded. He had nothing. He tried to end it all that day, taking an overdose of sleeping pills. Through a very unlikely series of events (serendipity?), my parents and I ended up saving his life.

The next day, I learned from the police that his parents were coming up from Atlanta to pick him up from the hospital. I called them, wanting to reach out and give them any information that I thought might help their son. I wanted them to understand how much help he really needed. I talked to his mom for over an hour. She was in shock. Like with everyone else in our lives, the reality of his double identity stunned her. They just wanted to get their boy home and figure out what to do from there.

We hung up when they arrived at the hospital. She said she would call me back. She never did.

I can’t even fathom the terror and pain of a parent upon discovering that their child is in crisis and a criminal all with one phone call. I worried about her. I still do. At the courthouse, 8 months later, his father was there, stoic and silent, but his mother was noticeably absent. I hope she missing only because she was afraid to face the court, a fear I can easily relate to, but I don’t know.

His parents took him in for a time after the suicide attempt. I don’t know what he told them or what he did, but I’m afraid that they were a victim of his cons as well. I know of one defaulted credit card with a very high balance that had her name on it as well, as it was taken out before he was 18.  I hope they were able to protect themselves even as they tried to help him.

This morning, I missed her. I thought about when we sat on her living room floor, looking through his baby pictures. I thought of her trying out Puerto Rican bread pudding recipes, trying to nail down her father’s favorite childhood dish. I remember her coming in to my first “regular” job at a pet store and immediately falling in love with a young Papillon. I placed the dogs in her arms to handle a customer; she always blamed me for her decision to purchase the puppy:)  I remembered her stories of her early married life in California and the stories of her parent’s courtship. I remembered when she sewed a liner into the white bikini I had foolishly purchased and when she emergency-hemmed my wedding dress in the back of the restaurant where we had our reception dinner.

I miss her. I just hope she isn’t missing from her own life.

I’m Blaming the Aliens

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

I woke up this morning, on my last official day of spring break, to more cold rain and an empty Kindle battery. I was feeling lazy and wanted to enjoy my coffee, so I clicked on the TV. Surprisingly, there is a dearth of programming at 5:00 a.m. on a Friday morning. As I scrolled through my options, I found myself drawn to Super Nanny, a show where struggling parents call on a professional nanny for help and advice.

In this particular episode, a newly divorced mom was having a very difficult time with her six (!!!) children. Her face radiated pain and fear as she revealed the events of the past 18 months: divorce, the death of the family nanny and the loss of the home to foreclosure. I felt tears start to slide down my face as I watched.

I’ve never been much of a crier (well, since I outgrew my temper tantrum stage). I’m not a sucker for sappy movies nor am I drawn to “chick lit.” I’m not hormonal and I don’t have a biological clock ticking (I knew from my late teens that I didn’t want kids and I’ve never wavered in that decision).

So, why the tears? Although I could not relate to the challenges of raising six kids as a single parent (much respect!), I could relate to the series of losses that the family faced. But understanding and empathy is one thing and tears in my coffee is another.

The truth is that, since my divorce, tears come easily. I have become the person that cries from commercials or greeting cards. I am now that woman whose eyes well up when watching a family at the park or a passage in a book.

I’m sure it has something to do with my acceptance of my vulnerability and my willingness to let go of the strong facade I wear so well.

But I’m blaming the aliens.

Court Ordered Pause

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: High Court of Australia

Brock and I were in the car the other day when an ad came on the radio for a local divorce attorney (these have increased lately – I guess there is some truth to this being “divorce season”).

I barely registered the ad, but apparently Brock was listening.

When the ad came to an end, he turned to me and said, “I think there should be a mandatory six month waiting period for divorce.”

(Note: I know some states currently have a waiting period; Georgia is not one of them.)

I was shocked. Not at the thought, but at the subject matter. Contrary to what you may think, I rarely discuss divorce in my personal life.

My first reaction to his statement was a sense of comfort. I want to marry a guy that thinks divorce should not be a quick and easy solution. I want to marry a guy that doesn’t have a propensity to run away from a challenge. I want to marry a guy that wants to be married.

But it’s not always that simple.

“In most cases I agree with you,” I said, “But in my situation or in cases of abuse, that would have been an additional assault by the courts. It would have left me open to more financial harm while I waited on the calendar.”

I continued, explaining my thoughts on the issue. I like the idea of a mandatory waiting period, be it six or twelve months. It gives both parties the gift of time. Time for counseling. Time to think through the consequences of a major decision. Time to work out the details of the separation of two lives. Ideally, this would be done prior to the decision to split, but we know that is not always the case.

I also think there needs to be an exception. In cases of abuse or abandonment, a waiting period only prolongs the agony and allows more harm to occur. I think there should be a process (that does not require excessive court fees) where the abused or abandoned spouse can appeal for the wait period to be lifted.

But then there is another part of me that thinks it is none of the state’s business. That I should be allowed to marry and divorce without their approval. Is this a slippery slope issue that could lead to more government control or is it a mandate that would help to preserve the family structure?

I would love to hear from all of you. Do you live in a state with a mandatory wait period? How did that affect you?

Do you agree with a wait period? If so, how long? Would you want exceptions?

Follow Up – Court Ordered Pause: Part Two

Through a Child’s Eyes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Child (close-up).

 

Through a child’s eyes.

 

What do we mean when we use this phrase? These words that try to capture the wonderment and excitement in the youth as they experience something new? What is it that makes it childlike and how can we capture that feeling even when our eyes are framed in crow’s feet?

 

Children have limited experience. They rarely encounter something expecting to have seen it before. They are less apt to compare the present to some remembered past because their mental files are sparse and not yet well organized.

 

They take each day as an adventure with limitless possibilities. They refused to be restrained by such concepts as impossibilities, rather they remain open to any outcome, no matter how implausible.

 

They are less apt to judge, to censor an occurrence with thoughts of “should” or “must.” They accept the present at face value.

 

Children are notoriously bad at planning. When they are engaged in an activity, they tend to be focused on that moment alone, even if only for the briefest of times. They are not doing one thing while mentally rehearsing for the next.

Just because our childhoods are behind us does mean we cannot still see with childlike eyes. Approach with an open mind, be open to the possibilities, avoid judgement and be in the moment.

And, please, for the sake of all of us, leave the temper tantrums and terrible twos in the past:)

 

 

 

 

 

Ever Been Told, “You Shouldn’t Feel That Way?”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You shouldn’t feel that way.

Get over it.

You’re overreacting.

Have you ever heard any of those statements? Those remarks that leave you angry and confused. Hackles up, yet questioning if the other person is right? Why do people make those remarks? Is it out of ignorance or attack? Are they trying to help or harm? How can we respond those who tell us we do not have the right to feel the way we feel?

I work with middle schoolers – a group that is well recognized for being very emotional and reactive. I have seen a girl become suicidal after a dismissive comment by a friend. I have seen a boy with a shattered face after a fight over a mustard packet. To the outside person, those reactions seem well over the top, like calling the fire department to extinguish a candle. I could have pulled those students aside and told them they were overreacting. I could have said that they should get over it. I could have shared stories of others that had it worse to downplay their feelings.

I think we all realize that such an approach would not be helpful. Simply telling the girl that her despair was stupid or the boy that he shouldn’t be angry would do nothing to dial down their emotions. In fact, it would have made the situation worse because then it would be introducing an element of shame, causing them to question if there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.

When we respond with ‘shoulds,’ we are responding only to the surface. If someone appears to be overreacting, there is often much more beneath. That was the case with these two students. The girl’s sister had committed suicide the previous summer. She was feeling abandoned and lost. When her friend slighted her, she felt alone and hopeless. The boy’s family had fallen upon hard times. His only meals were through the school. To him, that packet of mustard was life or death.

So why are we so quick to dismiss the feelings of others? Sometimes, it is from a lack of empathy, an inability or refusal to put yourself in another’s shoes. Sometimes, you may have the empathy but you lack the understanding. Maybe you’re missing key information that explains the reaction. Maybe you want to help, but you’re frustrated and don’t now how.

The truth is that we can never know completely how someone else feels. It’s based on past and perception, two things that are unique to each individual. When it seems that someone’s reaction is over the top, maybe it just means that their brain needs time to catch up with the past pains held in the heart. Rather than berate the brain for not moving faster, try supporting the heart while the brain moves forward. All the heart wants is to be accepted.

If you are the recipient of the ‘shoulds,’ try not to internalize the statement. It is okay to feel the way you feel. Try to see the motivation behind the statement – is this person trying to help you or are they simply unable to comprehend your pain? Also be open to the idea that your past and your perceptions may be harming your present. It’s okay to feel the way you feel and it is also okay to not want to feel that way and to work to make it better.

As for my two students, we (teachers and counselors) worked to validate their feelings in the moment while helping them to understand why they reacted the way they did and how they can cope better in the future. Rather than telling them how they should feel from a place of judgement, we showed them how they could feel better by coming from a place of love. And that is how we should all feel.