Are You Wondering if You Tried Hard Enough to Save Your Marriage?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you reached the conclusion that your marriage is over yet you are still questioning your decision? Are you haunted by the thought that maybe you didn’t try hard enough to save your marriage and that you were too hasty in pronouncing it dead? Are you experiencing guilt surrounding your decision to divorce, especially as you see the ripple effect that it has on others?

I can’t reassure that you did everything you could and I also cannot tell you that there was more that you could have done. Only you know the particular culture of your marriage, the efforts you put forth and the responsiveness (or lack thereof) of your ex. But maybe I can help you find some clarity in your decision.

Just the fact that you’re stressing about your choice means that you are giving this decision the attention it merits. Your questions are a natural response to a life-altering conclusion, a sign that you take your commitments seriously and that you have empathy for the impact that your choices have on others. Furthermore, by wondering if there was more that you could have done, you’re demonstrating personal responsibility, an honorable trait.

Yet even though that questioning is a sign of consideration and character, listening to the constant barrage of “What ifs…” can drive you crazy, especially in the immediate aftermath of the split when everything seems worse than before. This constant doubt can hold you back, keeping your energy focused backwards instead of moving on from where you are.

The decision to divorce is rarely clear-cut. It’s no wonder you’re feeling confused when the waters are murky. This is especially true when you are unable to make a mutual decision about divorce, when the decision rests entirely on your shoulders. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to get your partner to engage and they continually refuse to put forth any effort in the marriage. Perhaps you’ve endured endless cutting words and psychological sabotage. Or possibly your partner is okay with a mediocre life and marriage but you desire more.

Regardless of your situation, your sphere of influence can only travel so far. You can makes changes within yourself. You can talk to your spouse about what you want your marriage to look like. You can ask for changes, suggest ideas and implement new strategies. But you also cannot do all of it alone. If you’re not satisfied with your marriage and your partner is refusing to work with you, you’re ultimately left with three choices: 1) accept the marriage and your spouse as they are, 2) stay in the marriage and continue to be unhappy and frustrated, or 3) leave.

I like to compare these choices to what happens when your bicycle breaks down:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

 

Here’s a painful truth – even if the decision to divorce was the right move in your case, it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily going to feel good about it. The right thing is rarely the easy thing. And sometimes the decisions we have to make are going to result in some collateral damage. (Here are your responsibilities when making a decision that will negatively impact others.) You have to balance your needs with the desires of others.

For parents, it is impossible to separate the decision to divorce from the impact it will have on the children. You may be wondering if you should have stayed and dealt with your unhappiness quietly in order to preserve a two-parent home for your kids. Yet this is often presented as too simplistic of a choice: go and it’s bad for the kids or stay and it’s good for the kids. Both options have both potentially detrimental impacts and allow for new possibilities. Divorce is difficult for children, but so is staying in a home with fighting or constant negative energy. Make your choice and then do what you need to support your kids.

It’s common to question the decision to divorce in the year following the initial separation. This is a challenging time for everyone, a dismantling and demolition. From this vantage, it can often seem that the decision was made recklessly because the marriage doesn’t seem so bad compared to its aftermath. Be patient and compassionate with yourself during this period. This temporary struggle is not a sign about the integrity of your decision to divorce.

 

Some of the most difficult divorce decisions come when you still love your partner but you are unable to stay married to them for some reason. That’s a hard pill to swallow, that just because you love someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re good together. It’s true, sometimes the greatest sign of love is letting someone go. Even when the release hurts likes hell.

As you move forward with greater wisdom and self-reflection, you may indeed realize that there were things that you screwed up in your marriage. You can allow this to solidify into guilt and regret or you can accept that you did the best you could at the time and promise to not let those lessons go to waste in the future.

 

Related reading:

What Do You Owe Your Spouse? 

What Makes a Marriage Successful? (And Why Divorce Doesn’t Mean Failure)

Three Reasons NOT to Seek Closure

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was good at coming up with excuses.

I must send him another email (even though he didn’t respond to the first two) so that he knows the impact of what he’s done and it might prompt him to apologize.

I have to contact the police about his bigamy because it is a crime and he should face the legal consequences.

I need to look at his other wife’s blog so that I have an idea if he’s going to show up to court.

I read through scores of emails and stared at countless images of his face, all in the name of finding closure.

Yet with every message I sent his way, every piece of evidence collected for the court case, every glance at the other wife’s blog and every peak at his face or his words, what I was really doing was reopening the wound. Delaying healing all in the name of closure.

IMG_2873

 

The concept of closure is a malleable one. Generally, people use the term to signify that they have harvested any lessons from the situation, found acceptance and are ready to move on. In that sense, closure is a respectable and desirable goal. The problem arises when the pursuit of closure is used as justification for detrimental behaviors.

 

Using Closure as an Excuse to Maintain Contact

It’s rarely easy limiting contact with your ex during a divorce. For some, they miss the companionship and reach out under the guise of “talking things out” in order to maintain the familiar friendship. Others bombard their ex with questions, convinced that they need these answers in order to understand the demise of the relationship. (Hint: You don’t actually need to understand in order to move on.) And then there are those like me that maintain “virtual” contact by following the ex’s actions online, with the pretense that the other person’s actions are somehow important to your own happiness (Spoiler alert – they’re not.).

There’s a reason that “no contact” with the ex is recommended whenever possible (and it’s possible in pretty much every case without children and can often be limited even when kids are in the picture). Whenever you have exposure to your ex during the healing process, the scab is ripped off and the wound reopened. Go back and look at the ultimate goals of closure – learning, acceptance and moving on. You’re not going to find any of those by seeing your ex smiling alongside some new hottie on their Instagram.

 

You’re Wanting Things to Be Different

Sometimes, closure really means, “I’m not happy with the reality and I’m going to keep poking at it until it matches my vision.” You can become convinced that if you ask the right questions or just dig deeply enough, you’ll discover that things aren’t as they appear.

In my case, I wanted evidence that he was remorseful for his actions. I convinced myself that I needed an apology (I didn’t) or at least some scrap of information that would demonstrate that he did love me and that he was heartbroken over the consequences of his choices.

This type of closure is in opposition to acceptance. Whenever you’re dictating what you want to find, you’re trying to make reality match your wishes. And that’s a losing battle.

 

When What You’re Looking for Doesn’t Exist

In seeking closure, many of us are looking for the neat and clean ending that wraps up most fictional stories. We want the lessons presented in an easy-to-understand format. We want the protagonist to find happiness and we want to see karma bite any bad guys in the tale. All of this makes for a great movie ending, but it doesn’t exist in the real world.

Life is messy. Any lessons that you can learn from your divorce won’t be found in a distilled moral to the story. Your happiness will be variable and karma may be stuck in traffic. Closure doesn’t mean that you will never again feel the pain and it doesn’t mean that you will forget. Closure simply means that you’re willing to let the past go.

And if you’re using closure as an excuse, maybe it’s time to let that go too.

 

And if you’re looking for healthy ways to create your own closure (that don’t require the participation of your ex), read this!

 

Understanding Triggers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Want more ideas and support on dealing with triggers?

 

Facing Avoidance

We avoid because we do not want to suffer. Yet suffering then becomes the background noise of our lives.

 

Learning to Trust Again: How to Deal With the Triggers

There are times when the triggers are activated because of a legitimate and present concern. At those times, it’s important to listen to your gut and pay attention to its warnings. And there are other times when the alarms were pulled too soon, acting more from perceived danger than from a true emergency.

 

Trigger Points

As a survivor of a traumatic divorce, I am also very familiar with emotional trigger points – painful memories and associated responses caused by repeated or acute trauma. They are areas of hyperirritability where the response far outweighs the preceding factors. They cause intense pain at the time of their trigger and can cause referred pains in seemingly unrelated areas.

Shame: The Silent Relationship Killer

Posted on by stilllearning2b
shame

Is shame at the root of your relationship problems?

In most discussions of the common relationship killers, the usual suspects are named: infidelity, finances, addiction, abuse, changes in external demands, or a growing distance between the partners. Yet, there is a silent relationship killer that often lurks underneath those commonly listed reasons and is a contributing factors to many reasons cited for a relationship’s demise. A condition that affects many, yet is rarely recognized and even more infrequently discussed.

Shame.

 

Shame is poorly understood; it is often seen as interchangeable with embarrassment. Yet they’re not the same. You’re embarrassed when your zipper fails and you have to resort to staples to get through the day without an inadvertent indecent exposure charge. You’re ashamed when you live and work alongside financially secure people and you’re wearing pilled and tired attire because you cannot afford new clothes. In the first case, the problem is with the item of clothing. In the second scenario, the clothes are only the surface. The real issue is deeper, perhaps a feeling of being unworthy and inferior.

 

Shame tells you that you are not enough. 

 

Shame is a hidden condition. It hides behind happy faces and lives inside enviable homes. It’s often ignored. Frequently misdiagnosed. And almost always malignant, spreading its blight throughout.

The causes of shame are variable and are often embedded in childhood where the message was either explicitly received or inadvertently assumed. The child that feels unwanted can become an adult burdened by shame. Children who are raised around addiction often assume the blame for the disease. Those that face unending criticism or unachievable goals may continue to feel “less than.”

 

Shame strips you of your power. It makes you feel small and vulnerable. 

 

Shame is toxic to relationships. It encourages secret-keeping by insinuating that if revealed, the person will no longer be loved or even accepted. Shame creates distance between the partners as one feels unseen and the other feels excluded. Shame becomes the elephant in the room, unspoken of yet so big that it has its own gravitational pull. Shame says, “You’re not okay. And if people discover that truth, you’ll be discarded.”

 

Shame wants to be hidden because exposure removes its leverage.

 

Holding on to hidden shame is ultimately a losing battle. It grows like dough set out to rise, stubbornly overflowing its barriers. It manifests in unhealthy behaviors, everything from overeating to toxic masculinity.

And many of those unhealthy behaviors are potentially relationship-destroying.

 

Shame and Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are myriad and complex. And shame is a companion to many of those justifications. When someone is feeling shamed, they may be tempted to exert their power wherever they can. It’s a childlike, “I’ll show you,” reaction that can have disastrous consequences. When feeling less than, any attention from somebody who is “forbidden” will be especially attractive, especially if the shame is anchored in ideas around sex (think about the common Madonna/whore complex).

 

Shame and Money

When a child first realizes that their family does not have the same means as the others, it becomes a shameful secret to keep hidden. No matter how much material success is found in adulthood, that early lesson may remain tucked away. For others, this shame begins when a job is lost or when illness steals away the ability to earn. Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on earning power (especially for men), leaving those on the lower end of the spectrum feeling as though they are inferior.

 

Shame and Addiction

This is such a complicated relationship. If addiction is in the family of origin, shame was a constant companion from the beginning. many people try to silence their shame through the use of substances and then the addiction in turn feeds the feelings of shame. Notice that the first step in any twelve step program is braving the influence of the shame and being willing to admit to having a problem.

 

Shame and Abuse

In the typical abuse cycle, the frustration and discontent builds until there is an eruption of fists or angry words. Then, a feeling of shame and regret prompts the abuser to attempt to make amends. Until the energy builds again and the cycle is repeated. The abused also may feel ashamed, believing that they deserved the mistreatment (hint: they don’t).

 

Shame and Distance

It’s impossible to be truly close to someone who is secretly battling shame. They have walled off a huge part of their history and their psyche. They are afraid of letting you in, of letting you see. So instead, they play a role and pretend to be the person they wish they were. And the most unfortunate and unfair part? You will likely be accused of not understanding them even though you have repeatedly tried.

 

Shame does not have to be a permanent condition.

 

In fact, the remedy for shame is actually pretty simple (although far from easy) – talk about it.

Shame tells you that you’re the only one. Talking about it provides the opportunity for you to hear, “Me too.”

Shame tells you that you will be rejected. Supportive comments and reactions allow for you to be seen and accepted.

Shame tells you that you have to carry the burden alone. Sharing it means that the load is dispersed.

Shame tells you that you’re broken.

Revealing the cracks lets the healing light in.

 

Are you struggling with moving on? Life at the Intersection of Yesterday and Tomorrow is for you.

 

 

Don’t Get Married Before You Can Answer “Yes” to These Ten Questions!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Marriage is a big step. A significant commitment. To help ensure that you’re making the right decision for you, make sure that you can answer “yes” to these ten questions before you say “yes” to marriage!

1 – Can you be alone?

If you are afraid of being alone, how do you know that you’re acting from a place of love rather than making decisions based on fear? Ideally, you’ve had some adult years on your own so that you learn what you’re capable of and you feel secure with yourself.

 

2 – Are you more in love with the person than you are with the idea of being married?

It’s easy to feel pressure to get married and to desire the sense of security and stability that often accompany marriage. As a result, sometimes you can be in love with the idea of being married more than you are in love with the person.

 

3 – Do you have your own life?

Do you have your own interests? Friends? Thoughts and opinions? A healthy marriage is own of interdependence, not dependence. Ensure that you’re positioned to maintain your independence. 

 

4 – Have you met their people?

Not only are we drawn to people that mirror our beliefs, we have a tendency to become more like those that we spend time with. Make sure that you have spent time with the people that your partner chooses to associate with.

 

5 – Have you had (and continue to have) the difficult conversations?

In order to have a thriving marriage, both you are your spouse have to be able to say things (with kindness and compassion) that you know will hurt your partner. It’s important to have these conversations before marriage to ensure that you’re on the same page and to practice speaking and hearing hard truths.

 

6 – Can you accept them even if they never change?

When you say “I do,” you’re effectively signing that you accept this person as they are. Whatever qualities and characteristics they have (even the ones that drive you crazy) are grandfathered in. It’s unfair to both of you to expect anything different.

 

7 – Do you have a growth mindset about marriage?

The marriage you have on the day you say, “I do” is not the same marriage you will have ten years down the road. You will change. Your partner will change (and not necessarily in the ways you want). A healthy marriage is one that can grow and adapt throughout the years.

 

8 – Are your expectations about marriage reasonable?

We often ask too much of marriage and can easily end up disappointed or even angry when reality fails to match our mental picture. Read over these sixteen common misconceptions about marriage and make sure that your expectations are attainable.

 

9 – Are you prepared to contribute more than 50% to the marriage?

There will be times when you are responsible for carrying most of the emotional weight in the relationship. And at times, the load will shift to your partner. Even when the contributions are relatively equal, it’s common for each person to feel as though they are providing more than their share. Make sure you’re ready for that responsibility.

 

10 – Do you see and respect your potential spouse as an individual?

Yes, this person will become your wife or husband. But before that and after that, they are still their own independent person.  They will have different views, goals and perspectives than you. It doesn’t mean that one of you is right and the other wrong, it simply indicates that you are two autonomous beings that are choosing to spend your lives together.