Provider

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We received news yesterday that our bid on the house was not accepted. I was disappointed, but not surprised. I suppose in a way, I was even relieved since I have some anxiety about the financial implications and obligations associated with buying a house.

(On a side note, I realized this past weekend, while sharing my story, that the financial aspect is the only area from which I have not healed. I’m not sure if I can move past that part while I’m still paying for his lies. It’s better than it was, but money issues can still be a major trigger. Grrr.)

Almost immediately upon hearing the news, I let go of the house. We had already discussed that if our bid was not accepted, we would go back to casually keeping an eye on homes and continue to save. After all, we still have 5 months until the planned move date.

Brock didn’t take it quite so well. He was restless. Discontent. He started searching the data base of houses for sale in the area. He sent listings to me and called me in to look over his shoulder. Verbally, he agreed that it made sense to pause and that we had plenty of time, but his actions spoke to a deeper need.

We even drove to look at a house (it was really amazing yet had a 100+ foot drop off in the back going down to a river and needed too much work for its price). I sensed that he needed to feel like there was forward momentum. I get it. I am usually guilty of the same anxiety-driven restless energy.

I awoke this morning to a note by the coffeepot:

“I promise I will get you a house you can be proud of.”

Wow. This explained his energy the day before. He sees himself as the provider. He knows that our current home is a bit of a dump (what’s funny though is that I’ve adapted and even learned to appreciate not having a “nice” home). He is feeling responsible for making sure that I am in a place where I can be happy.

He is taking house hunting literally. I’m surprised he hasn’t armed himself with a spear yet:)

My response to him?

“I have a husband I am proud of. That’s what matters.”

It’s been interesting for me to learn how important the “provider” role is to him. I didn’t get it at first, especially because he was insistent that women that he dated had their own career/income (he fully supported an ex for awhile and hated that). On my side, I’ve never wanted a man to “take care of me.” I was very uncomfortable with one man that I dated who had this approach. I saw the responsibility as equal.

It is true that Brock carries the majority of the financial burden. I’m a teacher. He’s not. What I now understand, however, is that he carries all of the financial burden in his mind. He feels responsible for the material well-being of our family.

I am grateful that Brock can articulate this need. My ex couldn’t and I think it was the initial domino in his fall. From what I can gather, it seems as though my ex faced professional decline. He lost a job and couldn’t find one to replace the responsibility and income level that he had before. He opened his own business, yet I do not think it was successful. My gut tells me that the spending and stealing started to try to cover for the lack of income he was receiving from his company. I think he was ashamed that he could not be a provider. He felt diminished and depleted. Embarrassed, even. He hid these feelings from me just as he hid the financial concerns. As a child, he was taught to keep shame buried deep and to not ask for help. He learned that lesson well.

I have come to understand that the way Brock feels about his role has a greater impact than how I see it or how it actually is. His self-image is based on being able to protect and provide. My role is to help him feel supported and appreciated in those realms, regardless of the external circumstances.

(I know that I also have areas upon which I base my self-image, but for the life of me, I can’t pinpoint them. Hmmm…got me some thinking to do!)

So for now, the boxes will remain broken down on their stack in the basement and the books will remain on their shelves. We will continue to live and laugh and love in our run-down rental. And, when it is time and the right home appears, we will make the move.

Until then, we live. And look at copious quantities of real estate porn.

Thought Patterns

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The way we pattern our thoughts has an enormous impact on our mental health and happiness. Thought patterns can be divided into two main categories. I’m going to call these recursive and input-output. A note to those who are math-phobic: I am going to use some math concepts to explain these thinking patterns. Stay with me; I promise I’ll make it simple:)

Recursive Thinking

In math, we can look at functions (think of these like a rule or pattern) recursively by only considering the output. The rule ignores the input completely and only considers the starting output and the pattern to get from one term to the next. For example, in the table below, the rule would say, “Start with 12 and add 3 each time.” Recursive rules feed upon themselves, with each output based on the one before. They are like a chain, with each term linked to the one before and the one after.

InputIn recursive thinking, your thought pattern is initiated by something: a memory, a trauma, a comment. Your thoughts then feed upon themselves with no regard for any external input. This type of thinking can lead to depression or anxiety as the brain simply continues the emotionally equivalent of “plus 3” with no end in sight. When you feel stuck emotionally, this is the type of pattern you are experiencing. When your reaction builds well beyond the initial stimulus, you are thinking recursively. When you feel sad or angry or anxious even in the face of calm, you are allowing the chain of thought to continue unbroken.

Input-Output Thinking

An input-output rule in math relates the output to the input. For example, in the (identical) table below, the input-output rule would say, “Multiply the input by 3 and add 9.” The output is dependent upon the input. Change the input, and you alter the output.

In input-output thinking, your reactions are based upon the external stimulus rather than your previous thoughts. You may be sad, but the emotion and associated thought patterns are due to your situation. You may respond in anger or feel fear but these are due to the inputs you experience. If you change the input, the associated thoughts will change with it.

Recursion is easy, effortless – which is why it is so valuable in computer programming. Its endless loops create the self-similarity needed for programs to run unaltered. Recursive thinking can be beneficial when it is positive in nature, but all too often it is the negative thoughts that pull us into its pattern.

Recursion has a weakness. Since each output is dependent upon the one before, if you break the chain, you break the pattern. If you catch yourself in this cycling thought pattern, find a way to interrupt the flow. Do something differently to break the cycle. Whatever you normally do or say, don’t. Recursion requires a hands-off approach to survive. So get your hands dirty and change it.

Then, consciously shift your thinking to input-output and deliberately choose positive inputs to encourage positive outputs. Surround yourself with nature, connect with friends, do something that feels good. Change the input and your thoughts will follow.

Input

Slaying the Dragon

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Regrettably, this is a metaphorical slaying only. No dragons (or ex husbands, as the case is here) were harmed in the making of this post.

Unfortunately.

 

It’s been a rough 24 hours after seeing my ex husband for the first time in over 3 years. I almost wish that I had called in sick to work today so that I could have taken care of myself sooner. As it was, I ended up crying at my desk for the first time since the divorce was in progress. Not exactly a good way to start the work week. Luckily, I pretty much had the tears (but not the shakes) under control by the time the kids got there.

I’m finally getting back to normal now after employing my favorite dragon-slaying strategies:

1) Ask

I can have a tendency to be stoic. “Oh, I’m fine,” when I’m not. Yesterday, I didn’t pretend. I told Brock exactly what I needed. I let appropriate friends know so that I could have support. I blogged about it, baring all. The messages of support that have been pouring in all day have been amazing. Strengthening. I was afraid that I would be laughed at for reacting so strongly. So far, nothing could be further from the truth. You guys are amazing.

2) Eat

I’m bad about this one. When I’m stressed, my body locks down and I lose all appetite. Once I don’t eat, it becomes easier to not eat. There was no way my body could tolerate food yesterday, but I made healthy, filling food a priority today. This kind of tension and anxiety burns a lot of fuel and I have to eat to stay sharp.

3) Laugh

I’ve always used humor to deal with difficulties. In the case of my ex, most of it is dark, revolving around revenge-type fantasies. In hypothetical retrospect, here’s what I could have done yesterday:

-Posted a crowd picture (with him in it) of the festival on my website and let my readers play “Where’s Dumbo.”

He is actually just out of the frame on this one.
He is actually just out of the frame on this one.

-Hacked into the computer that was hooked up to a huge screen at the festival and play my Jeff Probst episode.

-Redecorate the cornhole (probably a regional name for the game, basically lawn beanbags) boards with his mugshot.

-Give the woman that was with him one of my Lessons From the End of a Marriage business cards. If it was my former wife-in-law, she’s obviously a slow learner and could use a refresher. If it was another woman, she could the head’s up.

-Give him one of my Action Potential Wellness business cards. He sure looked like he could use it. I’m embarrassed by this, but I do have to giggle at his girth. Shallow? Yes. Cliche? Yes. But still funny. He is now only a few pounds shy of the belly that his father sported that was a favorite roost for the dogs.

-The festival is in a very liberal, hipster area of town. I could have located his car and plastered it with Romney, Confederate flag and anti-gay stickers. Tee hee.

-One of my friends that was there is a CPA. He could have offered his services to my ex, as I’m sure he has not paid off the IRS from the innocent spouse relief.

-I could have waited until he entered a porta potty and “accidentally” sealed the door and perhaps even tipped it over. By day 3 of a brewery-sponsered festival, they were fairly ripe.

4) Run

8+ miles of hard-pavement pounding through a beautiful neighborhood by the river. Running is so perfect for these times – it drains the energy from the body and lets the mind process. I feel restored. And sweaty.

5) Bang

Get your mind out of the gutter! I’m not talking about that kind of banging (not that it isn’t a critical component of dragon-slaying:) ). I’m talking here about head banging – AKA heavy metal. I can just hear my mom on this this one, “Oh Lisa,” shaking her head, “You should listen to calming music. Metal will only make you more anxious.” Nope, sorry mom. You’re wrong. I find when I am ramped up, trying to force calm just backfires (my morning meditation today would have been more at home on the heavy bag). Instead, I need to feed the energy so that I can bleed the energy. Pantera and Disturbed fit the bill nicely today.

6) Rest

And now for the final stage in slaying the dragon. I’ve released the energy, fueled the body and relaxed the mind. Now it’s time to rest and lay the dragon to rest. Hopefully for good.

spirit

Raw

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A follow up to Facing the Dragon:

 

Sleep has come in fits and spurts.

I’m in a fit right now.

Eating hasn’t come at all.

My body is still in lockdown.

 

I hate this physical reaction.  At least now, it’s purely physical. Seeing him felt more like facing an attacker than a lover. No emotion. Just a punch to the gut and an adrenaline shot straight to the heart.

 

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see him again. Now I know.

 

Not that I want to do again. Once is enough, thank you.

 

But now I know he’s in the city. And I don’t like that feeling. I liked it better when he was in Uganda. Would it be wrong to send him fictitious job offers from Africa?

 

My throat is raw from the pollen.

My anxiety is raw from the vision.

My body is raw from the stress.

 

I feel debrided.

 

In a way, he has been a character to me. Other than in court, the last time I saw him, he was my husband. The man who did these things has not been present in my life in flesh and blood. Yesterday, that character became embodied.

 

It was jarring, the way that people who have had an out of body experience talk about being slammed back into their now-unfamiliar flesh.

 

In the early months, I used to stare at his mug shot, looking for any signs of the man I knew. Although the man yesterday was so familiar to me, he is not the man I knew. He never will be.

 

Brock has been great. And so was the friend I was with when I saw my ex. The friend, who had to leave to teach a class, stayed with me until Brock and our other friends showed up. He refused to leave me alone. Of the others, I only told Brock about the situation. As much as possible, I just wanted to enjoy the day. I told Brock that I didn’t want to walk anywhere alone (out of character for me) and he was great about staying with me when I needed the bathroom or a refill.

 

As soon as I got home, I took a shower. I wanted to scrub away the vision along with the dirt. Brock joined me and held me as I let out the sobs that I had been holding in. Just now, as I awoke and left the bedroom, he made sure I was okay. He and Tiger continue to protect the second floor while I release my energy downstairs.

 

It’s strange to have this familiar feeling in my now-home. I spent many nights like this 4 years ago during the transition out of one life and into another. It feels like a violation of this life.

 

I learned before that the best way to drain this anxiety is to run. I guess I know my plans for after work today:) I wish I didn’t have to wait so long. I expect to be reset after 10 miles or so. Less raw. Less shaky. Hopefully hungry.

 

As I sat on that hill yesterday, watching my old life walk by, I was thankful to be in my life now. I was surrounded by people that have only come into my life when he walked out and now I cannot imagine life without them.

 

For now, I’ll enjoy one of the few positive side effects of an inability to sleep and I’ll finish the book I started yesterday, Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods. Perhaps his walk will help to soothe me to slumber.

 

And I’ll feel safe knowing that Brock and Tiger are protecting the second floor.

 

The humor returns…Slaying the dragon

Walking a Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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Walking Tiger is pure joy. There is an ease in the connection, a trusted bond evident in the matched rhythms of human and dog. The leash is loose in my hand and the worries loose in my mind. We move forward together, sharing the experience in our unique ways (he spends much more time with his nose to the ground and leg to the sky than I do:)!). We walk in parallel, the journey strengthening our connection and our trust.

It wasn’t always this way with Tiger. First, mutual trust had to be established. He needed to know that I was a competent guide and I needed to believe that he wouldn’t snap or bolt when given freedoms. We needed to learn the other’s rhythms and patterns. I’ll admit that Tiger was easier to train than I was – I let my fears have too much power for a time. But with time and practice (and lots of patience on Tiger’s part!), I learned to relax and enjoy the walk.

The skills and strategies I learned at the end of Tiger’s leash have also helped me in my relationship. Through the leash, I learned how to trust myself and another. I trained my mind to relax and my grip to loosen. I learned to enjoy the walk rather than fear what might lay around the next corner.

I learned that when I use too much restraint with Tiger, when I pull back out of fear, my reaction only transfers the negative energy to him and gives it power. Pulling back too tightly only causes him to want to pull against me. On the other hand, if I trust in him, he responds in kind, staying by my side instead of straining to get ahead. When I trust him, he acts trustworthy. The leash now acts as only a reminder of the bond, not as a restraint. Relationships are no different – try too hard to hold someone back and they will fight to be free. Trust them and allow them to choose to be by your side.

When I first started walking Tiger, I tried to avoid other dogs. I knew he was friendly, but I was not confident enough in myself to handle him (he does weigh almost as much as me!). As my confidence grew, I stopped giving passing dogs such a wide berth. Time and time again, Tiger proved himself as he either gave a friendly greeting or ignored the other canines, depending upon the situation and my intent. When I am wary, his body language reflects my distrust and warns the other dog away. Now, even when loose and aggressive dogs follow us, he (and I!) remain calm and confident. The partners in a marriage should not be afraid to encounter others either. If you treat everything as a threat, it will respond in kind.

As I have become more comfortable with Tiger, our world together has expanded and enriched. He would not be the dog he is, nor would we have the bond we do, if he remained locked in the security of the house. By exploring together, we have grown together. Relationships need room to breath, spaces to explore and adventures to look forward to. If they spend every day trapped inside, they will become as lazy as an old dog.

One of my favorite habits that Brock and I established early on was taking frequent walks together, often with Tiger sandwiched between us. Those walks formed the backbone of our relationship as we explored and bonded, talked and listened, building trust and finding connections. This is our time together to take pleasure in the fellowship and enjoy the walk.

I have Tiger to thank for my lessons in walking a dog. And now I am ready to apply them to walking a marriage:)

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