A follow up to Facing the Dragon:
Sleep has come in fits and spurts.
I’m in a fit right now.
Eating hasn’t come at all.
My body is still in lockdown.
I hate this physical reaction. At least now, it’s purely physical. Seeing him felt more like facing an attacker than a lover. No emotion. Just a punch to the gut and an adrenaline shot straight to the heart.
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to see him again. Now I know.
Not that I want to do again. Once is enough, thank you.
But now I know he’s in the city. And I don’t like that feeling. I liked it better when he was in Uganda. Would it be wrong to send him fictitious job offers from Africa?
My throat is raw from the pollen.
My anxiety is raw from the vision.
My body is raw from the stress.
I feel debrided.
In a way, he has been a character to me. Other than in court, the last time I saw him, he was my husband. The man who did these things has not been present in my life in flesh and blood. Yesterday, that character became embodied.
It was jarring, the way that people who have had an out of body experience talk about being slammed back into their now-unfamiliar flesh.
In the early months, I used to stare at his mug shot, looking for any signs of the man I knew. Although the man yesterday was so familiar to me, he is not the man I knew. He never will be.
Brock has been great. And so was the friend I was with when I saw my ex. The friend, who had to leave to teach a class, stayed with me until Brock and our other friends showed up. He refused to leave me alone. Of the others, I only told Brock about the situation. As much as possible, I just wanted to enjoy the day. I told Brock that I didn’t want to walk anywhere alone (out of character for me) and he was great about staying with me when I needed the bathroom or a refill.
As soon as I got home, I took a shower. I wanted to scrub away the vision along with the dirt. Brock joined me and held me as I let out the sobs that I had been holding in. Just now, as I awoke and left the bedroom, he made sure I was okay. He and Tiger continue to protect the second floor while I release my energy downstairs.
It’s strange to have this familiar feeling in my now-home. I spent many nights like this 4 years ago during the transition out of one life and into another. It feels like a violation of this life.
I learned before that the best way to drain this anxiety is to run. I guess I know my plans for after work today:) I wish I didn’t have to wait so long. I expect to be reset after 10 miles or so. Less raw. Less shaky. Hopefully hungry.
As I sat on that hill yesterday, watching my old life walk by, I was thankful to be in my life now. I was surrounded by people that have only come into my life when he walked out and now I cannot imagine life without them.
For now, I’ll enjoy one of the few positive side effects of an inability to sleep and I’ll finish the book I started yesterday, Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods. Perhaps his walk will help to soothe me to slumber.
And I’ll feel safe knowing that Brock and Tiger are protecting the second floor.
The humor returns…Slaying the dragon