Divorce is one of those times when you have to consciously assemble artifacts and experiences that make you feel safer, more sane and more alive. It can be amazing to discover what becomes important, what small detail assumes major significance in the molting stage of your new life.
Here are the contents that filled my divorce care package. What’s in yours? It’s only fair, I showed you mine:)
Brock and I did Tough Mudder in March of 2011. We had been together a little less than a year. It really was a transformative experience for our relationship and had a significant impact on my learning to trust again. We continue to do events together that require teamwork and perseverance. In fact, we have decided to consciously make that a cornerstone of our relationship. Most recently, we took the beast (AKA Tiger) on an 8 mile canoe trip down the Chattahoochee. Due to the recent rains, the water was very high and there were quite a few newly fallen trees across the swollen river. At one point, we thought we had reached an impasse where the combination of fallen trees and debris blocked our passage. Brock saw an opportunity, turned the canoe around so that he was leading the boat and I was paddling backwards from the distant front. He carefully guided the canoe through a narrow gap in the trees. I was traveling blind, relying fully on him to tell me when to duck or dodge from the large branches. Three years ago, that same situation would have caused anxiety, as I wondered if I could count on him. Now? I trust again. And that’s a good place to be.
Originally posted in winter 2012:
When I told my family last year that I had signed up (and paid good money) for an 11 mile obstacle run, I think their first response was to shuffle through their contacts looking for the psychiatrist I saw in the early months of the divorce. “You’re doing WHAT? Why?,” I heard repeatedly, usually followed with a resigned head shake, “You’re crazy.” Crazy I may be, but I felt compelled to do the event and I am so glad that I did. Tough Mudder was more to me than a run.
A few months after the July disaster of my marriage, I signed up for my very first race ever: a half marathon. This was a bit preemptive, since not only had I never competed, I still was weak and skinny. I went into that race only having completed the distance once before. That was the worst race of my life (cold, rain, illness), but I endured and made it through. It was exactly the confidence boost I needed at that point.
Over the next several months, I ran more races, but none of them required me to dig all that deep into myself. None of them gave me the sense of triumph over adversity that I was seeking.
Then came Mudder. My boyfriend was the one who actually found this race and he proposed that we enter together. I loved the idea immediately. With a shared purpose, we hit the gym with renewed vigor and not a little trepidation.
The event itself was unbelievable. It turned out that it was slated to be held in a dry county, so the money that normally went towards beer instead paid for a longer track – almost 15 miles up and down (did I mention up?) a motocross track. The temperature was cold, and the water obstacles were colder, as volunteers emptied flats of ice into the streams.
It was an amazing challenge for my boyfriend and I to tackle together. It gave a true sense of working together and overcoming adversity. My other races had been alone; it was beautiful to have someone to share this with. It helped me learn to trust him, learn that he was not going to abandon me when the going got tough. We pushed each other, encouraged each other, lifted each other, and even shared some muddy, sweaty kisses. It was amazing.
I think everyone, especially those re-centering after trauma, should do their own version of Tough Mudder. Something that pushes you further than you comfortably want to go. Something to show you what you can accomplish. Something to show you that discomfort is temporary. Something to show you that the support of friends can help get you through when you want to quit. When the big picture of what you have to overcome is too big, it helps to have a little Mudder to think back on and realize, “I can do this.”
In those first few days and weeks of sudden singlehood, I was angry. I wanted to curse his name in a thousand languages, yet I knew only one. I wanted to create effigies of him and burn them, but our county had posted a burn ban that summer. I wanted to use his mug shot for target practice, but I owned no range weapons.
I realized soon enough that this mindset would not help me in the long run. I turned to the internet, looking for inspiration from people who had been there. Guides through the hellish journey of the end of a marriage.
I was disappointed in what I found. The vast majority of sites were populated with people who were in the early stages. Filled with vitriol and anger, spewing forth their rage across the web. I get it. You cannot heal until you release the pus that poisons the wound. But I wanted to hear from people who had started to scab over. I wanted to know what to expect when the scab fell off. Or how to keep it from becoming infected. Even better, I wanted to know what the scars of divorce would look like and how to help them fade.
What I found was that people stopped sharing, stopped talking, once their own journey was set and they were out of the overwhelming darkness and confusion that dominates the early stages. That is a shame, for there is much to be learned from those who have traveled the long road and know all its markers.
The most powerful image I have from Tough Mudder is the spontaneous creation of human chains, as people (strangers in most cases), who were just slightly further along on an obstacle, extended a hand to the person behind them. This linkage allowed all to successfully navigate an obstacle that would have been insurmountable alone.
Those of us who are just a little further along on our journey through divorce and trauma can help others by extending a hand.
When I told my family last year that I had signed up (and paid good money) for an 11 mile obstacle run, I think their first response was to shuffle through their contacts looking for the psychiatrist I saw in the early months of the divorce. “You’re doing WHAT? Why?,” I heard repeatedly, usually followed with a resigned head shake, “You’re crazy.” Crazy I may be, but I felt compelled to do the event and I am so glad that I did. Tough Mudder was more to me than a run.
A few months after the July disaster of my marriage, I signed up for my very first race ever: a half marathon. This was a bit preemptive, since not only had I never competed, I still was weak and skinny. I went into that race only having completed the distance once before. That was the worst race of my life (cold, rain, illness), but I endured and made it through. It was exactly the confidence boost I needed at that point.
Over the next several months, I ran more races, but none of them required me to dig all that deep into myself. None of them gave me the sense of triumph over adversity that I was seeking.
Then came Mudder. My boyfriend was the one who actually found this race and he proposed that we enter together. I loved the idea immediately. With a shared purpose, we hit the gym with renewed vigor and not a little trepidation.
The event itself was unbelievable. It turned out that it was slated to be held in a dry county, so the money that normally went towards beer instead paid for a longer track – almost 15 miles up and down (did I mention up?) a motocross track. The temperature was cold, and the water obstacles were colder, as volunteers emptied flats of ice into the streams.
It was an amazing challenge for my boyfriend and I to tackle together. It gave a true sense of working together and overcoming adversity. My other races had been alone; it was beautiful to have someone to share this with. It helped me learn to trust him, learn that he was not going to abandon me when the going got tough. We pushed each other, encouraged each other, lifted each other, and even shared some muddy, sweaty kisses. It was amazing.
I think everyone, especially those re-centering after trauma, should do their own version of Tough Mudder. Something that pushes you further than you comfortably want to go. Something to show you what you can accomplish. Something to show you that discomfort is temporary. Something to show you that the support of friends can help get you through when you want to quit. When the big picture of what you have to overcome is too big, it helps to have a little Mudder to think back on and realize, “I can do this.”
We are all aware that exercise provides physical benefits, but we may not be as aware of the mental and emotional rewards that come with physical activity. Here are ten popular types of exercise and the benefits you can expect to receive.
Zumba is a Latin-dance based class that is fast-paced, fun, and accessible to all ages and fitness levels.
Physical Benefits: Zumba provides a cardiovascular workout as you are consistently moving for the hour long class. Many classes also incorporate some lower body strengthening moves.
Mental Benefits: Zumba is fun. I mean jump around like a little kid in your pajamas kind of fun. Go ahead, I dare you; try to make it through an entire class without laughing. Laughter and fun are enormously important elements of wellness. Zumba will help you get your giggle on.
Yoga focuses on moving the body into various poses and holding them for a period of time. Yoga classes can vary greatly, from the most gentle and relaxing to Power 2 hot classes.
Physical Benefits: Yoga helps to lengthen and stretch our tight muscles like nothing else. The more advanced flow classes also provide strengthening through holding more difficult poses.
Mental Benefits: Yoga teaches you how to soften and relax into discomfort. It helps you to focus your mind and be in the present moment. It help to calm anxiety and release anger. Quite frankly, yoga makes you happy and makes you a nicer person to be around.
Kettlebells were originally used as training tools in Russia, but luckily they made it across the border. They are simply heavy weights with handles that you move around in prescribed patterns.
Physical Benefits: Kettlebells offer cardiovascular and strength training in one. They are especially excellent for training the core, glutes, and hamstrings along with developing muscular endurance.
Emotional Benefits: Kettlebell training requires that everything flows from one move to the next. This helps the mind to flow as well, opening the dams between segments of your mind. If your thoughts are feeling stuck, try picking up a kettlebell. I bet your thoughts will be flowing like a river before you know it.
HIIT can take many forms (I have talked before about Tabata training – ouch!), but it is essentially intervals of very intense exercise followed by intervals of rest.
Physical Benefits: HIIT is excellent for shredding fat in a short period of time. It also helps to build your anaerobic capacity, which it useful whenever you need a quick burst of energy.
Mental Benefits: HIIT teaches you to breathe. Really breathe. Most of us walk around each day with our lungs only partly used. Try running sprints without ever taking a complete, full breath. It won’t happen. When you completely fill and empty your lungs, you release tension that you are holding in your mind.
Weight lifting can take many forms, but it is essentially contracting the muscles against some form of resistance.
Physical Benefits: Lifting weights helps to build muscle tissue which gives the body a pleasing shape, helps to maintain mobility, and helps to burn fat. Sounds like a win-win-win to me.
Mental Benefits: Weight lifting helps you to feel strong. Empowered. You may not be able to control everything in your life, but you can sure show that dumbbell who’s boss!
Right foot, left foot. Repeat.
Physical Benefits: Walking is an accessible exercise that, depending upon its intensity, can provide cardiovascular training and lower body conditioning. It is an easy, low impact way to help stave off weight gain.
Mental Benefits: Walking tells your brain that you’re making progress. There are times in life when we begin to feel overwhelmed with the daily grind. Go for walk and you’ll begin to see the place of today in the bigger picture.
See “walking,” only faster.
Physical Benefits: Running burns a lot of calories in a short time frame due to its intensity. It also gives you an excuse to wear itty-bitty shorts in public.
Mental Benefits: When you run, you have to find the rhythm between the body and the breath. This rhythm extends to the mind as it trains you to breathe deeper and slower when feeling bogged down or facing a challenging hill.
There are many types of races: 5K or 10K, running or biking, triathlon or adventure, they all put you in a competition against others or yourself.
Physical Benefits: Signing up for a race encourages you to train consistently, leading to improved benefits over periodic exercise.
Mental Benefits: I recommend signing up for a race that takes you just to the edge of your ability when you are facing a challenge in your life. Whereas most of life’s challenges are messy and may take years to resolve, a race is over in a matter of minutes or hours, yet it gives you the critical feeling of victory over a challenge. There is nothing so sweet as crossing that finish line.
Crossfit has taken the world by storm. It is a group exercise class that consists of a Workout of the Day (WOD) that incorporates strength and cardiovascular moves.
Physical Benefits: Crossfit certainly lives up to its name. If you can stick with it, it will make you leaner, fitter, and stronger.
Mental Benefits: Perhaps the best part of Crossfit is the community. Everyone is so supportive of everyone else. Be prepared for applause and “atta boys” or “girls” when you complete that first pull-up. If you need to know that others have you back, try visiting a Crossfit gym.
Bootcamp classes are usually held outside and combine plyometric moves along with body weight exercises and a variety of drills.
Physical Benefits: You will be sore all over. These classes don’t leave a muscle untouched or a sweat gland un-emptied.
Mental Benefits: Bootcamp teaches you to push through those “I can’ts” that our minds love to throw up in defense of effort. It gives you the mental discipline to work through your problems and see them to the end.
For the most physical and mental benefit, choose more than one type of exercise. By cross training, you will learn to utilize and synergize your entire boy and mind.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 