Sides Effects of Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you have been betrayed, your world view forever shifts. Motives are questions. Secrets are assumed. Nothing is as it seems.

You want to trust but you don’t know how. You feel victimized and either accept that role in defeat or desperately search for control and assurance that you will never be a victim again.

It’s oh-so-easy to keep moving beyond the betrayal without fully addressing its impact. To attribute future struggles to something (or someone) else when it is really your soul still keening from the lies and the loss.

When I first saw this article on Psychology Today, When Disappointment Feels Like Betrayal, I was skeptical.

And then I read it.

And I related.

When you have been betrayed, the pump has been primed to assume betrayal.

Even when it is just life with its usual ups and downs.

Be on alert for the monster but don’t go stabbing at every creak on the stairs.

 

I Do Again: Remarriage Advice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite funny. I’ve been engaged for a year but for some reason, many of my coworkers only realized that I was getting married soon after the following picture made it on Facebook:

photo-75

 

There is something about a picture (and the word “bride” by my face!) that makes it real. I feel very comfortable about the decision to marry again. It has been deliberate and each step towards commitment has been intentional.

I found this article, Ten Tips For Those Considering Remarriage, on Psychology Today. It’s good advice and helps you make sure that you’re thinking with your head as well as your heart (or your fear!) as you make the decision to remarry. Even if you feel that remarriage is well in your future (or you don’t think you’ll ever venture down the aisle again), it’s a good checklist to help you take inventory of your current emotional health and relationships.

 

What is He?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

At the beginning, I looked for a label. I needed a label. I read The Sociopath Next Door. I combed the DSM. I held his history and his traits against checklists until my eyes blurred.

I wanted a label because I thought it would bring understanding. Closure.

I knew he wasn’t the man I loved. But, who was he? What was he?

I saw him as some monster. He must be, to be able to do those things.

As is so often the case, elements of each label: sociopath, narcissist, addict fit yet no one term seemed to fully explain him. The reading was useful; it gave me a vocabulary and a way of understanding. It provided perspective.

But it gave no real answers.

I still didn’t know why he did those things.

I was no closer to understanding what went wrong.

Because he is simultaneously both more and less than any of those diagnosis. Yes, his actions displayed elements of those labels. Yes, they are useful to discuss his behaviors. But they are not him. (Related: How to Apply Labels)

This Psychology Today article, that addresses the use of the label of “narcissist,” appeared in my reader this morning. It’s an interesting debate, especially as the terminology from the DSM leaves the closed quarters of the therapist’s office and enters society at large. See if you can tell who wrote the first comment that is quoted:) I especially like the author’s point about victimhood – that is something I realized as well along the way.

I eventually gave up on assigning him a diagnosis. They all seemed to paint him as two-dimensional, existing only in the pathology. They neglected to describe the man that was a wonderful husband for so many years. They ignored the man behind the mask of whatever illness or disorder or situation led him astray. They were too simplistic, too formulaic.

Regardless of what else he is, I’m happy now to simply call him my “ex.”

 

 

Self Deception

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Pinocchio

 

Self deception was the cancer that ate my marriage from within. After he was caught, my husband admitted in a text to my mom that he had started to believe his own bullshit. The fabrications he used to keep me and others in the dark were also used to protect him from the painful truths. He was convinced that financial solvency was a bonus check away. He believed that he could change his patterns and begin to make the right decisions.

He was wrong.

He couldn’t do those things, at least not at that point and without help.

His body reacted to the dissonance; his blood pressure soared to extremely dangerous levels, causing him to lose consciousness on several occasions. medications were useless and the doctors were stumped.

It’s because his hypertension didn’t have a physical cause; its roots were buried deep within his fears and his attempt to hide from them.

I also fell prey to self deception. I was aware of an undercurrent of unease the last year or so of my marriage. I had no reason to link the anxiety to my seemingly stable marriage; I assigned blame to a very difficult year at work. My body also must have sensed some discord between my beliefs and reality. I seemed to catch every cold and sinus infection that came through my classroom doors that year.

Psychology Today: The Dangers of Self-Deception

We are all subject to self-deception. It is the favored tool of the ego. We tell ourselves what we want to hear. We believe we see what we want to see. It is primal, as key to self-preservation as seeking shelter from the cold.

In fact, self-deception can be adaptive. It can help us overcome barriers and convince us to try the seemingly impossible.

Psychology Today: Why Self-Deception Can Be Healthy

The problem arises when we fail to check in with reality, when we believe our stories despite warning signs from the body and mind that we are entering dangerous territory.

So, how do we protect ourselves from ourselves? First, accept that self-deception happens. acknowledge that your perceptions and explanations may not be reality. Don’t ignore or dismiss chronic or repeated bouts with illness, pain, anxiety or irritability. Dig at it until you find its roots. Practice mindfulness; it helps to soften the ego so that you can see the bigger picture. Be honest about your biggest fears – this is where your self-deceptions will live.

It is scary to disassemble the stories we tell ourselves. We weave them so that we feel safe and secure; their absence provokes fear and vulnerability. But it also gives you freedom from the shackles of a lie.

Related essays:

Pardon Me Ego, I Need to Get Through

Lose Your Illusion

Fear in the Driver’s Seat

I Was Married to a Con Man

Static Cling

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Vintage Ad #865: Honey, where'd you hide my ot...
Vintage Ad #865: Honey, where’d you hide my other sock? (Photo credit: jbcurio)

 

I came across this article today (Cling Less, Love More) on Psychology Today and found myself startled with realization. I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. Then I read this article. The author talks about the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move.

 

The author contrasts clinging with healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of our control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” I know that this shift is mainly from facing a tsunami and living to tell the tale. Facing your fears has a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

I now have a new perspective and new words for a lesson I have been learning and sharing. I love it when that happens 🙂