After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The affair has been uncovered. The decision has been made to try to save the relationship. There’s a constant tension though – the one who has been betrayed feels the need to talk about it all of the time (“I want you to understand the pain you have put me through”) and the one who cheated wants to put it behind them and move on (“If you keep punishing me for the past, we’ll never make it”).

As with everything, there is no one-size-fits all answer here and both perspectives have some valid points.

 

If you cheated on your partner,

When they first discover the affair, expect the tears and the anger to be ever-present. Their entire world has just collapsed. They though that you were their rock, that they count count on you, and that foundation has just been abruptly pulled from beneath their feet. They will probably say some very harsh things. It won’t be rational because they have been thrown into full-on fight or flight. This is not the time to be defensive or to try to correct assumptions, even if they’re off-base. Your role right now is just to take it (as long as it doesn’t move into threatening territory).

And yes, it sucks to be attacked, to be villainized. But guess what? It sucks to be cheated on too. They didn’t ask for this. You made choices and those choices have consequences. It’s time for you to take responsibility, and some of that is being open and willing to listen to their pain.

Now obviously, if this emotional intensity continues and the affair is an ever-present topic of conversation, the relationship cannot heal. But you don’t get to control your spouse’s reactions or dictate the timeline of their healing. You’ve already taken away their agency by having the affair. You don’t get to tell them how to move on. There is a difference between you being uncomfortable because you cannot hide from your poor choices and your spouse deliberately using your past to hurt you.

You don’t have to stay in a position where you are feeling constantly punished for an extended period of time. Just like they have the right to say, “I just can’t get over what you have done and I think we should end things,” you have the right to set your boundaries around this too.

 

If you have been cheated on,

In the beginning, you need to talk. Your pain demands to be heard, you are desperately seeking understanding and you’re trying to process this enormous thing that has completely upended your life. Obviously – and understandably, some of this will be directed at your spouse. Yet make sure that they are not your only outlet. These feelings you’re carrying are big and are best distributed. Seek out a therapist or support group, a trusted friend or two and a journal. These become especially important as time passes and your healing is on a different schedule than the one the relationship is on.

It’s natural to want to know every detail about the affair as you try to regain some sense of control over your life. Yet this information has diminishing returns and focusing too much on the play-by-play keeps the energy in the past. It’s also understandable that you have the impulse to share every time you’re triggered. After all, they are the ones that planted that seed to begin with. It makes sense to share these when they first emerge so that you can talk through them together. Yet if it’s the tenth time that you’ve driven by a certain spot and your stomach plummets, it may not need mentioning. After all, they already know that this location bothers you and they can’t make that association disappear for you.

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

 

How Could They Move On So Quickly?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
move on ex

My ex-husband certainly wasted no time. He didn’t even bother filing for divorce before he married his second (I’m assuming here; there could have been others) wife.

Among all of the myriad thoughts that crashed around my mind in the aftermath of the discovery, one kept popping back up to the surface,

“How could he move on so quickly?”

I just couldn’t understand how he could go from sixteen years with the same person to seemingly head-over-heels within weeks of meeting this new woman. Here he was celebrating his newfound love while I was still struggling to sleep through the night.

Of course, it was apples to oranges trying to equate my mental state at the time with his. For so many reasons, we were at different places when it came to our readiness for moving on.

The following are some of the reasons that your ex may have moved on (or appeared to move on) soon after your breakup:

 

They have pre-grieved the breakup.

In some situations, one person has known (or at least suspected) that the relationship is over long before it is pronounced terminal. In these cases, the one with the prior knowledge often begins grieving the end of the relationship months or even years before it is truly over. They may begin to withdraw, they might start to expand their social circle and hobbies to fill anticipated gaps and they have time to process the loss. They will be ready to move on before you are because they have been attending to the breakup for a longer period of time.

 

They want you to think they’ve moved on.

Sometimes moving on is an illusion, a play put on social media or spread through mutual acquaintances in an attempt to make you jealous or regretful. The urge is understandable, although childlike. It can be driven by a, “I’ll show them that I am desirable” attitude. Others try to appear moved on soon after the end of the relationship because they don’t want to be seen as “weak” by appearing affected by the breakup. These people are motivated by a need to be seen as strong.

 

They are afraid of being alone.

Some people hop from relationship to relationship like life is a rocky river crossing. They cannot stomach the thought of being alone and so they waste no time in lining up the next partner as soon as a relationship implodes. This is less “moving on” and more “grasping on;” they’ll hold onto anyone like a life raft. Learn more about the underlying issues that lead to a fear of being alone.

 

They are able to compartmentalize your relationship and the new one.

For many us, we cannot enter into a new relationship before we have fully dissected and processed the previous one. Others are able to keep those two processes more separate. It may be that your ex seems to be moving quickly because they are doing the often- invisible internal work concurrent with reentry to the dating scene.

 

They are using dating as a distraction.

Let’s face it, divorce sucks. And while you’re going through it, you’d rather think about anything else. For some, this distraction comes in the form of dating. Although this can look like they’re moved on, they’re are really using others as a bandaid to temporarily stop the pain. Early dating can also be motivated by the blow to confidence that often accompanies divorce; it’s good to feel wanted.

 

They started seeing this person before your relationship ended.

If your ex seems to have moved on quickly, it may be that they were having an affair during your relationship and now that your partnership has ended, the love interest is brought to the surface. Of course, this revelation brings with it it’s own set of problems. Betrayal is a uniquely piercing pain with long-ranging repercussions.

 

They met somebody who is a good fit for them at this point in their lives.

And here’s the hard one – maybe they have met somebody that is a good match for them. I know that can be difficult to stomach when you still might be wishing/hoping/believing that you’re that person. It’s important here to remember that not being the right person for them does not mean that you’re a bad person and it certainly does not mean that you’re not the right person for someone else. It simply means that your ex found a better match for them and now you have an opportunity to look for somebody better for you.

 

 

In my ex’s case, he knew that the end was approaching and so had time to process the divorce long before it happened. He was having affairs and so his other wife was lined up and ready to go. And, from what I learned, she was a good fit for him at the time – trusting, nomadic and in possession of a decent credit score.

In time, I no longer questioned how he could move on so quickly. Instead, I got busy with moving on myself with a sense of gratitude that she helped to take him out of my life and far away.

 

How I Recovered From Spousal Abandonment and Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you struggling with recovery from abandonment or betrayal?

I wish there was a recipe for healing after the demise of a marriage – add these ingredients, sift out these elements, let the concoction rest for a specified period of time and then apply heat to set it in place. But divorce is not so simple. Not only do cooking times vary, but the ingredients are as diverse as the stories.

So, don’t look at this as a specified and exacting recipe that has to be followed to the letter to create a favorable outcome. Rather, consider these suggestions and feel free to add, subtract or manipulate ingredients to suit your taste and your resources.

These are the steps and strategies I used to find peace with my past, happiness in my present and excitement for my future:

I Believed I Would Be Okay

The reality hit like a cannonball to the gut. My body slid to the floor as my brain attempted to make sense of it all. Even in those early moments, when I had to face the truth that the man I adored had been systematically destroying everything I loved, I believed I would be okay again. I had no idea how I would get there; the future was one big question mark after another, but I held fast to the idea that there would be an “other side” of the hell I was thrust into.

I Asked For and Accepted Help

I was beyond fortunate that my dad was with me when I received the news and that the rest of the family soon rallied to render aid. I composed an email to them that let them know how best they could help.  I set aside my stubborn independence to move in with a friend when she offered her spare room. After declaring that I did not want medication, I listened when others advised it was needed. I went from a leader at school to the cared-for one. And I accepted every offer of help.

accept help divorce

I Surrounded Myself With the Right People

Until I experienced it, I was unaware that sudden spousal abandonment was even a thing. In the early days, I desperately turned to Google for answers and to assure myself that I wasn’t alone. I stumbled upon message boards where shocked and grieving spouses shared their stories of the awful and traumatic ends. After posting my own story, I logged off for good. Although I felt comfort at knowing this had happened to others besides me, I didn’t want to focus on the pain. Instead, I intentionally surrounded myself with the right people – compassionate even though they didn’t understand and positive even though they would bitch along with me.

I Wrote, Posted and Tracked Goals

There was so much I could not control. I couldn’t go back in time and change my choices. I could not alter my ex’s actions. I couldn’t speed up or steer the legal process. So I grabbed on to what I could influence. I wrote and posted twelve goals for the year ahead: everything from running a race (my first) to making two new friends. Some of the goals were multi-faceted and overwhelming (find a new job), whereas others were simple and direct (learn to cook one gluten free meal to excellence). Those goals were all written with healing in mind; they were my stepping stones to happiness and gave me some much-needed control when everything else was insanity.

 

I Embraced Dark Humor

I started making jokes about the situation mere days after it happened. It wasn’t funny. Not really. But it was absurd. And whenever I could choose between laughter and tears, I opted for the former. Of course, they often commingled. Humor was an outlet to vent that was more uplifting than simply complaining or bemoaning. It served as a unifying factor as others joined in on the jokes. Perhaps most importantly, humor was a reminder that you cannot always change a situation, but you can always change the lens you view it through.

I Used Anger as Repellent and Propellent

The primary emotion I felt in those months was rage. I harnessed that anger and used it as fuel. I allowed the anger towards my ex to help me disengage from the man I had entrusted half my life to. I filled the void he left with wrath and I used that anger to keep me moving forward. The anger was ugly, yet without it, I still would have been a crumpled mess on the floor. Eventually, I had to learn how to release the anger once its purpose had been served. That was the difficult part.

I Accepted Responsibility For My Own Well-Being

In the beginning, I wanted my ex to accept the responsibility for his actions and for the fallout. He never did. And eventually I realized that it didn’t matter. I could wait around forever for him to change, or I could take my own happiness by the reigns and accept the responsibility for my own well-being. I shifted my focus from what happened to what I was going to do with it. The abandonment and betrayal were not my fault, but it was my responsibility to ensure that they didn’t capsize me.

I Did What Felt Right Rather Than What I Was “Supposed” to Do

Join a support group. Swear off of men for a year. Move back home. I heard it all. But I did what felt right to me at the time. My decisions may not have always been the best; there are a lot of missteps as you’re learning to navigate a new world, but they were steps of my own choosing. Part of the reason I ended up in that situation was from not listening to my gut. I was determined to not make that mistake again. So I followed my instincts even when they went against the conventional wisdom.

I Replaced Pity With Purpose

It was easy to feel sorry for myself. Easy, but useless. Much like people who have found lasting sobriety through AA, I used writing and sharing to create purpose from the pain. I needed to find a way to balance out the bad with the good. I see it like taken the molten remains and channeling them into a mold to create something new. It didn’t relieve the pain, but it kept it from drowning me.

I Made Fun a Priority

I said “yes” to every invitation. I sought out new experiences. I pared down my “have-tos” to give more precedence to the “want tos.” I filled my calendar with scheduled smiles, intentionally book-ending every upcoming “bad” day with fun days. I didn’t always feel like having fun; I would cry on the way there, but I would rarely cry on the way home. The fun took me out of my head for a few blessed hours. It was a needed reminder that life goes on and that I didn’t have to wait until I was healed to enjoy it.

I Experimented Until I Found the Tools That Worked For Me

I identified my needs – namely, reducing anxiety, finding acceptance and limiting overthinking, and tried different strategies until I found ones that worked for me. After some trial and error, I settled on running for reducing the anxious energy, journaling for processing, meditation for getting out of my head and yoga for finding acceptance. As my needs changed, the tools changes as well.

I Learned to See the Good

At first glance, there was nothing good about the ordeal. So I looked again. And again until I could see the benefits. And then I embraced them. To the point where I am now happy that my life didn’t go as planned.

Grow divorce

I Approached Healing With Laser Focus

I looked at finding peace, acceptance and happiness as the most important job I would ever have. I knew that if I didn’t find a way to heal, not only would it limit me, but the negative energy would also seep into those around me. I set my sights on where I wanted to be and worked to align every thought and action with that goal.

It starts with hope. And it happens with baby steps towards that intention.

 

7 Signs That You’re Healing From Divorce or Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be surprisingly difficult to determine when you’re beginning to heal from relationship trauma. There’s no finish line to mark the end of a journey, no certificate to announce that you’ve completed the graduation requirements and no neat summary to tie up all the loose ends before you close the book on that chapter of your life.

So how can you tell that you’re moving on from divorce or infidelity?

 

1 – Your Reactivity Decreases

After even a casual mention of my ex, I could feel my scalp begin to burn as my blood pressure climbed to address the perceived threat. If a movie or book touched on the topic of cheating, I became a passionate objector, unable to separate the character’s actions from my own experience. Online, if anybody posed a challenging question to me about my former relationship or my recovery, I had to engage until I felt understood (spoiler alert – no amount of engagement can guarantee this response).

Now? It’s completely different. I can discuss even the most painful aspects of my first marriage and its demise without raising any alarm bells on a heart rate monitor. I can view other’s actions that paralleled my ex’s with curiosity and a calm disapproval. And I am able to distance myself from the responses of others, able to see their origin more clearly.

Consider the healing process from a physical wound. At first, the site is incredibly tender, prompting a flinch from even the slightest touch. You become hyperaware of the need to protect it and often overreact if somebody gets too close. As it heals and the skin knits over the exposed and tender nerves, you no longer react the same way. In fact, you get to point where you no longer notice someone inadvertently brushing up against the previously damaged skin.

Emotional recovery follows a similar path. At first, you’re in a heightened state. And from that stance, everything has to be evaluated as a legitimate threat. Over time and with enough benign experiences, you become more adept at sifting out the real threats from the ones that simply appear dangerous.

 

2 – You Are Able to Appreciate Nuance Without Feeling Threatened

He was bad and I was good.

He was deceptive and I was honest.

He was the perpetrator and I was the victim.

It all seemed so clear, so black and white. And I outright rejected any thoughts or outside suggestions that didn’t fit cleanly into this worldview. This mindset was born of self-protection, as I secretly ran tapes through my mind with both his words tearing me apart and my own thoughts turning against me. I needed to paint myself as the “good” one in a desperate attempt to repair the gaping hole left from the rejection.

In time, I noticed that I was starting to see shades of gray. Yes, his actions were still despicable and inexcusable, yet I began to consider what might have prompted that response. Yes, I never lied to him in the marriage, but I was starting to realize that I had lied to myself. And as these realizations began to arise, I started to understand that the nuance, instead of being a threat to my self-image, actually was a place that brought peace as it felt like truth.

It takes courage to embrace the nuance of life. We find comfort in applying clearly defined labels because then we know where we stand. Yet there is often an underlying discomfort with this simplistic view because at its core, we know that it is false. In contrast, the gray area, although uncomfortable at times, feels like living with your eyes open and your confidence in your self intact.

 

3 – Your Obsessions and Compulsions Fade

I replayed the moment I read the text that ended my marriage over and over again as though I could change the outcome. At my home-for-the-year, I refreshed my computer screen hundreds of time an hour looking for that email or update on his other wife’s blog that would provide the answers I was so desperately searching for. My runs became a compulsion, the miles adding up even as my body began to protest the rapid scale-up in training. Even once I started dating, there was an obsessive energy to it as I responded rapid-fire to most every message.

The period after divorce or infidelity is often like the rapids that form when two bodies of water crash into each other. Only in this case, it’s the anxiety of unwanted change colliding with the overwhelming need to do something. And as you move further away from the trauma, the intensity of these feelings begin to fade and you no longer feel driven to think or act along those lines.

 

4 – Your Sleep Improves

I sat up abruptly, afraid that I was going to vomit. I wasn’t sick. Instead, it was another dream about my ex. I felt violated. Hadn’t he hurt me enough? Why did he have to steal my sleep too?

In the beginning, sleep is often elusive as the mind refuses to relax. Even once you manage to go down, your mind is often invaded with unwanted dreams and nightmares. The nights become an adversary, something you have to steal yourself to meet every single day.

And then one morning, you finally feel rested. Eventually, you’re able to string multiple mornings together where you realize your sleep was uninterrupted my the memories of the trauma.

 

5 – You Have Increased and More Sustained Energy

In some ways, healing from relationship trauma reminded me of the time I had mono. My body felt heavy, leaden. I had to deliberately summon effort and motivation for every movement, every decision. I was exhausted. It turns out that rebuilding a heart and a life at the same time is hard work.

As you begin to heal, more and more energy reserves become available for other endeavors. I like to equate it to the body’s response to extreme cold. It pulls the blood away from the extremities and towards the critical organs. A sure sign of warming up is pink fingers as the blood is released again to its normal pathways. Likewise, a return of energy is a sign that the critical healing phase has passed and that it is now safe to allow that energy to flow elsewhere.

 

6 – You Are Able to Broaden Your Focus

For a time, my identity was the abandoned one. That single event became the lynchpin of my very existence. It was both the most important thing about me and also the thing that I was most powerless against.

And then over time, I added new facets to my identity. I finished a race and began to call myself a runner. I published a book and added the moniker “writer.” As I continued to live in the face of betrayal and abandonment, I realized I was a survivor. As I began to look around, I realized that there was a whole world out there separate from what I had endured.

At first, your focus has to be narrow. You need to have blinders on in order to simply survive. And then slowly, the rest of the world – and its possibilities – begins to come into focus. Until one day you realize that you are not what happened to you.

 

7 – You Have Hope For the Future

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get past this,” I said in the beginning, unable to see beyond the enormity of the pain.

“I want to get through this,” I pleaded, words not yet backed by action.

“I will move on,” false determination sounding more confident than I felt.

“I am going to be okay,” I eventually whispered to myself, realizing that I believed it to be true.

The return of hope is a beautiful thing. A sunrise after a long winter storm that promises that spring lies just ahead.

Four Things You DON’T Need to Move On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often get in our own way after divorce, desperately wanting a way out from the pain while at the same time telling ourselves stories that only serve to hold us in the flames. I convinced myself myself that I needed everything from a jail sentence for him to an apology for me, all while ignoring the power that I held within myself.

 

In Order to Move On, You DON’T Need –

 

Justice

Justice looks differently for all of us. It may center on a certain ruling from the court or a visit from karma, putting your ex in a position similar to the one you’ve faced. Regardless of the specifics, a desire for justice is really a need for fairness. We’ve been knocked down and we want the fulcrum to shift the other way.

Chasing fairness is a form of chasing the dragon; no matter what you score, it will never be enough to meet the need. No consequence will undo the pain you feel and no repercussions will satisfy. And here’s the brutal truth – if they escape without a scratch, it does not prevent you from moving forward. But if you fixate on waiting for them to pay, you’re tethering your future happiness to their circumstances.

Instead of wishing them ill, shift your focus to being the best you. After all, there is no better revenge than living well. And if your ex happens to notice how awesome you’ve become and regrets their decision? Even better:)

 

An Apology

Those of us that have been cheated on or abandoned without so much as an insincere “sorry” casually tossed out over a departing shoulder have a tendency to give apologies almost a mythical standing. They become the holy grail of divorce, convincing us that once secured, we will find everlasting life.

I used to feel this way. And then I talked to a woman who got an apology. Several, in fact. And they were insightful and sincere, as her ex took full responsibility for hurting her and expressed true remorse for his actions. And you know what? She was still stuck. She got what she thought she needed and then when it didn’t work to relieve the pain, she became even more distraught.

It gave me pause. And then it made me angry. At myself. Why was I still allowing him to have this much power over me? I made up my mind in that moment to learn how to accept the apology I never received. 

 

Understanding

One of the most powerful realizations I had when healing from divorce – I’ll never be able to understand what my ex did because it is not something I could ever do. That single thought released months of anguished questioning and searching for answers that remained elusive.

Divorce is not a class in university. There is no final exam where you have to correctly identify the motivations behind your ex’s actions before you’re allowed to move on with your life. It’s okay to say, “I have no idea” and close the book on that chapter.

 

Closure

There’s no finish line. No “done” stamp. No graduation ceremony. We have this image of there being a defined end to the pain once we collect all of the missing pieces. As though divorce is some sort of video game quest where the end credits roll once you have located the last of the items.

Spoiler alert – it isn’t.

Closure isn’t a destination. It’s more of a choice. A choice that has to be made every day when you decide where you’re going to put your energy. Whatever you nurture, grows.

Here’s What You ACTUALLY Need to Move On –

 

Belief in Yourself

If you believe you can’t, you’re right. It all starts with your belief that you can be happy again. That there is more meaningful life ahead and, this is the most important part, that you have what you need to make that happen. You are not responsible for what happened to you, but where you go from here is up to you.

 

Time

You can’t force healing. It will take time for you to stand up again, much less take those first steps as am independent person. Give yourself the time and space needed. Divorce is a major loss of the past that is now in question, the present that has become unfamiliar and the future which is now erased. Be patient with yourself.

 

Processing

Time isn’t enough on its own. If you avoid your emotions, you are simply delaying the healing. In order to move on, you have to first move through. Face your pain. Become familiar with your feelings. Work through any unhealthy responses and beliefs you’ve developed and put in the effort to learn how to do better. To have a better life, you have to first understand and accept yourself.

 

Determination

One of the reasons that we tell ourselves that we need these things from others is because the work to heal after divorce is so. damn. hard. It feels impossible and so we assume that we must be missing some critical piece to make it happen. And that’s where the determination comes in. You have to want it. And you have to be willing to work for it. And if you are, nothing can stop you.