I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

Psychology May be a Soft Science, But She Drives a Hard Bargain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Statue of Pax in the garden of Pavlovsk Palace

I used to think that I could reason my way through anything.  I viewed psychology and the other soft sciences with derision, much preferring the absolutes of the harder sciences and mathematics.  I thought I could if-then my way through anything, repair any damage with deduction, and apply analytical reasoning to solve any dilemma.

I was wrong.

Psychology may be a soft science, but she drives a hard bargain.  She lets her influence be felt, even if her presence is ignored or denied.  We can try to avoid her, turning our minds away, but she is still there.  Influencing our thoughts, driving our behaviors, pressing on our insecurities.  We can pretend as though we are strong enough to not feel her sway, but it is an illusion. In fact, the more she is ignored, the more powerful she becomes.  She has the power to destroy, to eat from the inside out.  It is best to befriend her, to listen to her and try to understand.  Accept her ways and feel her influence.  Allow her intuition to soften deduction.  Embrace the feelings she shares with your analytical mind.  Welcome her and she will only make you stronger, reinforcing reasoning with her gentle touch.

Psychology may drive a hard bargain, but it’s a bargain you’ll want to take.

 

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You Make Me Happy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Emotions associated with happiness

You make me happy.  I used to say those words to my husband on a frequent basis.  At that time, if you had asked me what I meant by those four words, I would would have replied that I was saying that I loved him and that I was happy being with him.  I meant those words as a compliment, an endearment, an expression of love.

I don’t use those words anymore.

Let me be clear, I am very happy in my current relationship.  But he doesn’t make me happy; rather, I am happy with him.  Slight change in words, but a huge shift in meaning.

I began to realize that by telling him that he made me happy, I was putting all of the responsibility for my own well-being on his shoulders.  That is a huge burden to carry and one that was unfair to him.  I had given him the power to make me happy.  Which means he also had the power to make me unhappy.

If I had left that power in his hands, he would have packed up my happiness with the rest of his belongings when he walked out the door.  I snatched it back from him, determined to find a way to regain ownership of my well-being.

I now take responsibility for my own happiness.  I can choose how I respond and how I approach. I can choose to be happy with or happy in spite of.  That is my responsibility.

But, coffee still makes me happy:)

Mobius Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever feel as though you are stuck in an endless loop, replaying your past a la Groundhog Day, in your mind?  It is all too easy to become stuck on a mental Möbius strip, an endless loop with only side.  In this pattern, you are revisiting the past, perhaps assigning blame or experiencing guilt, but achieving no outcomes, no benefits.  We play the “what if” game as if we are living within a choose your own adventure novel where we can simply go back and choose another path to follow.

Infinite Loop II

How do we get off the never-ending ride of the Möbius mind?  The first step is to recognize that you are stuck on an endless feedback loop, acknowledge your mental playback.  Next, look at your patterns; where are you focusing?  What triggers your thoughts?  What events are central to this repeat performance?  The reason this replays in your mind is that you have not yet gone deep enough into your feelings surrounding the event.  You have not learned the lessons central to the story, so your mind is replaying it again and again hoping that the repetition will allow you to learn.  Yes, the mind is a relentless teacher.

Go where it is uncomfortable.  Acknowledge your responsibility.  Your pain.  Your shame. Your anger. Your fear.  Learn from it.  And then let it go.  When you face the emotions triggered by the past head-on and then release them, you will find that your Möbius strip unravels and allows you to move on and continue your adventure.

Above Lobbocks The narrowness of the singletra...

 

 

 

The Mental and Physical Benefits of Ten Types of Exercise

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A Marine of the United States Marine Corps run...

We are all aware that exercise provides physical benefits, but we may not be as aware of the mental and emotional rewards that come with physical activity.  Here are ten popular types of exercise and the benefits you can expect to receive.

1) Zumba

Zumba is a Latin-dance based class that is fast-paced, fun, and accessible to all ages and fitness levels.

Physical Benefits: Zumba provides a cardiovascular workout as you are consistently moving for the hour long class.  Many classes also incorporate some lower body strengthening moves.

Mental Benefits: Zumba is fun.  I mean jump around like a little kid in your pajamas kind of fun.  Go ahead, I dare you; try to make it through an entire class without laughing.  Laughter and fun are enormously important elements of wellness.  Zumba will help you get your giggle on.

2) Yoga

Yoga focuses on moving the body into various poses and holding them for a period of time.  Yoga classes can vary greatly, from the most gentle and relaxing to Power 2 hot classes.

Physical Benefits: Yoga helps to lengthen and stretch our tight muscles like nothing else.  The more advanced flow classes also provide strengthening through holding more difficult poses.

Mental Benefits: Yoga teaches you how to soften and relax into discomfort.  It helps you to focus your mind and be in the present moment.  It help to calm anxiety and release anger.  Quite frankly, yoga makes you happy and makes you a nicer person to be around.

Yoga Class at a Gym

3) Kettlebells

Kettlebells were originally used as training tools in Russia, but luckily they made it across the border.  They are simply heavy weights with handles that you move around in prescribed patterns.

Physical Benefits: Kettlebells offer cardiovascular and strength training in one.  They are especially excellent for training the core, glutes, and hamstrings along with developing muscular endurance.

Emotional Benefits: Kettlebell training requires that everything flows from one move to the next.  This helps the mind to flow as well, opening the dams between segments of your mind.  If your thoughts are feeling stuck, try picking up a kettlebell.  I bet your thoughts will be flowing like a river before you know it.

4) High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT)

HIIT can take many forms (I have talked before about Tabata training – ouch!), but it is essentially intervals of very intense exercise followed by intervals of rest.

Physical Benefits: HIIT is excellent for shredding fat in a short period of time.  It also helps to build your anaerobic capacity, which it useful whenever you need a quick burst of energy.

Mental Benefits:  HIIT teaches you to breathe.  Really breathe.  Most of us walk around each day with our lungs only partly used.  Try running sprints  without ever taking a complete, full breath.  It won’t happen.  When you completely fill and empty your lungs, you release tension that you are holding in your mind.

5) Weight Lifting

Weight lifting can take many forms, but it is essentially contracting the muscles against some form of resistance.

Physical Benefits: Lifting weights helps to build muscle tissue which gives the body a pleasing shape, helps to maintain mobility, and helps to burn fat.  Sounds like a win-win-win to me.

Mental Benefits:  Weight lifting helps you to feel strong.  Empowered.  You may not be able to control everything in your life, but you can sure show that dumbbell who’s boss!

6) Walking

Right foot, left foot.  Repeat.

Physical Benefits:  Walking is an accessible exercise that, depending upon its intensity, can provide cardiovascular training and lower body conditioning.  It is an easy, low impact way to help stave off weight gain.

Mental Benefits:  Walking tells your brain that you’re making progress.  There are times in life when we begin to feel overwhelmed with the daily grind.  Go for walk and you’ll begin to see the place of today in the bigger picture.

7) Running

See “walking,” only faster.

Physical Benefits: Running burns a lot of calories in a short time frame due to its intensity.  It also gives you an excuse to wear itty-bitty shorts in public.

Mental Benefits: When you run, you have to find the rhythm between the body and the breath.  This rhythm extends to the mind as it trains you to breathe deeper and slower when feeling bogged down or facing a challenging hill.

8) Races

There are many types of races: 5K or 10K, running or biking, triathlon or adventure, they all put you in a competition against others or yourself.

Physical Benefits:  Signing up for a race encourages you to train consistently, leading to improved benefits over periodic exercise.

Mental Benefits:  I recommend signing up for a race that takes you just to the edge of your ability when you are facing a challenge in your life.  Whereas most of life’s challenges are messy and may take years to resolve, a race is over in a matter of minutes or hours, yet it gives you the critical feeling of victory over a challenge.  There is nothing so sweet as crossing that finish line.

9) Crossfit

Crossfit has taken the world by storm.  It is a group exercise class that consists of a Workout of the Day (WOD) that incorporates strength and cardiovascular moves.

Physical Benefits: Crossfit certainly lives up to its name.  If you can stick with it, it will make you leaner, fitter, and stronger.

Mental Benefits: Perhaps the best part of Crossfit is the community.  Everyone is so supportive of everyone else.  Be prepared for applause and “atta boys” or “girls” when you complete that first pull-up.  If you need to know that others have you back, try visiting a Crossfit gym.

10) Bootcamp

Bootcamp classes are usually held outside and combine plyometric moves along with body weight exercises and a variety of drills.

Physical Benefits: You will be sore all over.  These classes don’t leave a muscle untouched or a sweat gland un-emptied.

Mental Benefits: Bootcamp teaches you to push through those “I can’ts” that our minds love to throw up in defense of effort.  It gives you the mental discipline to work through your problems and see them to the end.

For the most physical and mental benefit, choose more than one type of exercise.  By cross training, you will learn to utilize and synergize your entire boy and mind.

July 2007 CrossFit Trainer certification, Sant...

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