I Was Lucky

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.


13 thoughts on “I Was Lucky

  1. Wow Lisa that was great. Wish I had a blog to write something with such brutal reality. Yes, the hard part is imagining what was really going on in their minds when they did apparently loving things–but were fully involved with someone else. It really stuns me because I know I couldn’t do it.

  2. Interesting and thoughtful blog. Thanks for sharing your struggles. A few years after my divorce I changed my sex … now That’s change … Lol. Seriously, these are the challenges that serve to make us more human, more interesting, more alive. Who wants to know someone who has never had anything happen to them? Not me.

    Good luck. I will enjoy reading your blog.

    Sara …

  3. Interesting and thoughtful blog. Thanks for sharing your struggles. These are the things that make us more human, more interesting, more alive. After my divorce (and after 7 years of single parenting) I changed my sex … now That’s change … Lol. Seriously though, who wants to know someone who hasn’t had anything happen to them? How boring is that?

    I will enjoy reading your blog. Good luck.

    Sara …

  4. I am sitting here in stunned silence with my mouth gapping open. I am reading my life in a blog. The situation you encountered is absolutely identical to mine. Verbatim. Its shocking, sickening, and yet comforting. Comforting to know that this one horrible moment in my life is shared with someone else. I was sitting on the couch on September 26th, 2010, reading a book, after I had put our son to bed, and he was on his laptop. I heard the printer in the home office. He got up, went in the office, retreived the letter he had written, and layed it on my lap. Shock and awe. I’m leaving you. I have been living a lie, when the shock is over you will thank me… blah, blah, blah… My mother couldn’t understand what I was saying on the phone, came over and held me like a baby while I cried. My sister came over. The next day he left me another letter that told me of his legal rights to stay in the home and he moved into the basement. He also cleaned out his office of every file and locked me out of the home computer. We are finally divorced as of last week. Our 7 year old son is amazing and has done so well throughout this process. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who has been my closest friend and confidant. I found that I too can do more than I ever thought I could and I also found my circle of support from family and friends . I haven’t read every article of your blog yet, but I plan to. What I have read so far is reassurance and hope that life does go on, and can be bigger and better than we ever thought possible. Again, wow!, and thank you!

    1. Wow. It is shocking to me how many have faced an abrupt end. I am so sorry to hear of how your divorce began. It sounds as though you are ready to move on to your next chapter.

  5. My 19 year marriage ended with my husbands second affair, I had allowed him back after the first because we have children and I wanted to keep our family intact, I loved him desperately and couldn’t imagine life without him. When affair number two happenned I knew he had to go, how can I let a man treat me this way, how could I let my daughters grow up thinking this was acceptable. It killed me to do it but I kicked him out. I am re-building my life, working again, taking care of myself and the girls, moving through my divorce one step at a time. He is now so angry with me, he treats me so badly, it’s like I am the villain here, like I am the one who cheated. He didn’t want me, he wanted to be single again, he has that now but is still not happy, so instead of feeling hurt and sad because a man who I loved for 20 years treats me this way I just feel pity for him, he is insecure and weak and has lost the only woman who really loved him. I agree with the last paragraph that says I had no choice about what he did but I had the power to not let his choice control the rest of my life. It took some time to get to this place, but I am in control now, I am living my life for me and my girls. Thank You for letting me see there are so many of us going through the same thing.

  6. Responding to Shelley’s reply: The ex actually begged me back after he found out I was dating again. Someone was pissing on his territory. He couldn’t ever imagine that someone else would ever find me attractive, intelligent, or funny. He said when he realized I had let him go was when he wanted me back? Of course by that point in my life I wanted desperately to have my family back, but I also realized I loved myself more and deserved better. After I didn’t take him back and filed for divorce, I became the villian as well. He was able to put the blame on me for ending our marriage and destroying our family because I wouldn’t take him back. The pain and guilt I have for my son is overwhelming at times. But, I had to do what was best for me, my sanity, and my soul. I also wanted to teach my son there are consequences for your actions and this is not how you treat your own wife someday. I also look at him with pity, he is weak and lost everything he worked so hard for the last 10 years, for what?? Because he had to secure in his own mind that he “still had it”, that he could attract other women? That’s not love. Love to me is contentment.

  7. It happened to me too. He was widely regarded as the most devoted, honourable, kind and in -love man possible. One night he looked at me out of nowhere and told me he could not continue. He left the next day. There were children involved in my case and he turned unimaginably cold and nasty towards me and did things that still make me shudder. I’ll never understand it. It comforts me to know others have been through this. Almost a year on and my grief seems never-ending.

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