Learning to Breathe

I’ve never been very good at breathing. 

My childhood was spent with perpetual croup, the seal-barking cough echoing through the house at all hours.  Eventually, I was diagnosed with asthma, my lungs plied with drugs that were supposed to encourage them to relax.  Regardless of the dosages and names of the medications, I always failed my lung function tests at the allergists.  I wasn’t used to failing tests, but I didn’t know how to study for that one.

I adapted to my lungs.  I knew when an attack was about to have me helpless in its clutches, I knew when pneumonia was setting in.  I let my lungs call the shots and we had an agreement that I would work within their constraints.

Then, one day soon after my 30th birthday, I grew tired of the bondage.  I turned the tables on my lungs and informed them I wanted to start running.  This was a laughable goal, as I had never even completed the mile running in school.  But I was determined.

I started at a local park with a .75 mile loop.  My first try was a humbling experience.  You see, I was in shape.  I lifted weights and could do cardio.  I just couldn’t run.  Within moments of beginning, my chest heaved, my breathing was rapid and gasping.  I was taking in air as though threatened, as though the next breath would never come.  I made it one full loop that first day, but I still didn’t know how to run.

Over the next few weeks, I kept at it, returning to the park 3-4 times a week.  I starting to trust my body.  Believe in my breath.  I worked to consciously slow my breathing, pulling air deep down into the unused basement of my lungs.  As I learned to breathe, I was able to increase my mileage to the point where I outgrew that park in the next two months.

My breath training extended to yoga.  I had been practicing since I was in high school, but I always focused on the positions and movements, not the airflow.  Running had brought the breath to consciousness; yoga taught me how to use the breath to calm and energize the body.

Then July came.  Disaster struck.  I lost contact with my breath, but I didn’t even realize it.  I just knew my chest felt constricted, wrapped in bindings carried in by the trauma.  I wasn’t able to run or to do yoga, getting even further out of touch with my lungs.  It finally took a third party to make the re-introduction; a therapist at a meditation and yoga retreat that autumn after my breath left me.

I lay on the floor of her office, cradled in a soft, fuzzy blanket.  She kneeled next to me, her voice soothing and calm.  She spoke to my breath, encouraging it to return, assuring it that I was ready to make its acquaintance once again.  She spoke to me, telling me to trust my breath, to allow it deep into my lungs.

My chest began to rise, the bindings loosening.  As the oxygen flowed in, I felt grounded.  Whole.  Reconnected.

My breath and I still have a complicated relationship.  I frequently don’t find it until a couple miles into a run or 10 minutes into a yoga practice.  I still have to encourage it, willing it back into my body, especially when I find myself gripped my stress.  It may at times be a tumultuous relationship, but I have no intention of loosing connection with my breath again.

On the Menu: Pot of Veggies at the End of the Rainbow

It’s been quite some time since I’ve done one of these posts. This whole fall has been a whirlwind of activity between The Jeff Probst Show and other spin-offs from the book, activities with friends, and marathon training. This weekend has been a chance to catch my breath before the next round of craziness begins next weekend.

It’s funny – I never used to cook much. But now that I’m used to it, I’ve missed the extended time in the kitchen on Sunday trying out new (or at least not tried and true) recipes. I’ve been cooking my lunches the last several weeks (I have to, or I don’t eat) but I have been relying on quick and simple dishes. Today I passed on my usual yoga class to give myself the gift of time in the kitchen.

My sweet potato, oat, and protein powder concoction that fueled my marathon.

I am still on my sweet potato ban after marathon training. Don’t get me wrong, those little suckers are a perfect (and cheap!) carb source for gluten free endurance athletes but they do get old after a couple months of daily consumption. Besides, I’m ready to go back to my normal, lower carb diet. I definitely feel stronger and leaner when I limit the carbs a bit more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I started off early this morning prepping for one of my favorite winter soups: Eat the Rainbow Black Bean Soup from Fat Free Vegan. This soup literally swallows veggies. It is so filling and hearty despite being low calorie.

These are just some of the veggies that go into this soup. When I kept chopping, I swear my slow cooker looked at me incredulously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I decided to add some tofu this time to up the protein factor a bit more.

I’m hoping the vegetable content of this soup alone will scare off any rhinovirus that happen to be lurking around. I like to pretend that the common cold is uncommonly afraid of spinach.

The soup about halfway through its five hours in the slow cooker…yum!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since I had the time this weekend, I ventured to Trader Joe’s – one of my favorite places to get groceries that unfortunately is an extra 20 minutes out of my way. I squealed in delight when I saw that they had in their seasonal shipment of brussels sprouts on the stalk. Yes, I got some strange looks. They are more labor intensive to prepare when they are sold this way but they are much cheaper and way cooler.

I just love the alien look of sprouts on the stalk!

I decided to keep it simple. After de-stalking (reminds me of defrocking and makes me giggle!) the little cabbages, I cut them in half and tossed them with balsamic, olive oil, garlic powder, and salt and pepper. I then roasted them at 400 degrees for just over 20 minutes until the leaves were perfectly crispy-black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to admit. I have a strange addiction to these things. As I was attempting to pack them into five containers for my lunch, I kept sneaking bites. I ended up eating almost 1/2 pound of sprouts. Between those and my usual kale and spinach breakfast smoothie, I had more cruciferous veggies before 10:00 a.m. than most people probably eat in a week!

Here’s my addiction – roasted brussels sprouts. I love the sweet and salty crunch of the blackened leaves.

What’s for dessert, you ask? I usually just have an apple or some (gack!) sweet potato, but I decided to make something a bit more special this week. I like to that especially around the holidays as it keeps me from feeling deprived around all of the sweets that invade the school.

I decided to make the Grain-Free Carrot Cake from Ask Georgie. It. Is. Amazing. Stupendous. Unbelievable. Not only will I not feel deprived this week, but I bet others will be envious of my sweets!

Gluten and grain free carrot cake. Nuff said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The craziness of the last few weeks has been wonderful and exciting but it feels amazing to be home and enjoying the restorative simplicity of preparing food that nourishes my body.

And now for some not-so-healthy veggie nachos and some NFL. Go Ravens and Falcons! Let those birds fly:)

Can You Pin Happiness?

 

I joined Pinterest a few months ago to see what all of the fuss was about and to share my quotes and book information. I spent a few hours over the next week exploring various topic streams and signing up to follow boards that I found interesting (fitness, vegetarian, inspirational quotes). I love Pinterest for inspiration and ideas (those pumpkin recipes floating around last month made me want to take a week off work to spend in the kitchen!). Despite the positive impact that pinning can have as a virtual muse and design board, I also see a dark side casting shadows on the perfect pictures.

 

Many pins have the effect of ramping up expectations, often to levels that are impossible without a trust fund, a gaggle of helpers, or rib-removal surgery. It’s so easy to get caught up in the beautiful pictures, one after another, and to let your mind fantasize. The images cement our daydreams, providing a goal that may be inspirational or may be utterly unattainable. There is a fine line between reading a quote layered over a fitness model and feeling encouraged to work out and feeling frustrated that no number of hours in the gym will be able to give you that physique.

English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Ph...
English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nowhere does this setting of expectations get more out of hand than on the wedding boards. These are some of the most popular pins, making the rounds among women of all age: married, single and in-between. There are photos of elaborate dresses with price tags to match. Pictures of cakes with carefully crafted fondant. Images of budget-friendly decoration ideas. But they all have one thing in common. They’re perfect.

 

I get it. It’s much easier to focus on a single day than the parade of days that create a marriage. We can try to convince ourselves that a picture perfect wedding will somehow trickle down into the years of the marriage. Sadly, the proper shade of aubergine (what color is that, anyway!?!) for the bridesmaid’s dresses will not mitigate that recurring argument about the dishes. I wonder what a real life marriage board would look like? Probably not so perfect 🙂

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love
Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I fear that too much time spent perusing perfect pictures will move a person away from happiness as the gap between their expectations and reality grows ever wider. Be a discerning consumer of media of all types. Filter what you are exposed to and limit yourself to images that inspire you and lift you up. Watch yourself and be prepared to go on a media diet if you find that you are becoming too engrossed in the pursuit of perfection. And for goodness sake, please get off the wedding boards:)

 

Pin it then live it. Don’t let your dreams only exist in the digital world.

 

Marathon Recap: I Won :)

Injured, tired, and happy

No, not in terms of time. In fact, technically, it was the worst race I’ve ever run. I’m sure you’d have to scroll though thousands of pages to even find my finish time. But that was never what it was about. I completed the 26.2 miles while having an amazing time running (and walking) through a beautiful city on a gorgeous day with awesome people and (mostly) good music and I crossed the finish line into the arms of an unbelievable man. I’d say I won the race:)

When I got into the car (very) early yesterday morning, my boyfriend handed me several folded notes, each with a mileage indicator. I was to open the notes along my run. It was like an advent calendar of marathon motivation. Unbelievable. That gesture and those notes set the tone for the whole day.

A little crumpled and sweat stained, but they’re still beautiful to me:)

I spent the drive to the start line arranging Gu, chapstick, and the above mentioned notes. I applied Glide wherever skin met fabric and I double-checked my shoe laces. I was ready.

I had over two hours to wait at the corrals before the race. It was chilly, but bearable, and I loved the look of historic Savannah under the almost-full moon. I met a woman in her 60’s who was working on running 100 marathons (this was 94). I asked her what her favorite one had been. Number two on her list blew me away: The Great Wall of China. What an amazing experience that would be!

We finally took off. I was feeling great and enjoying the music (especially the bagpipes around mile 6!) and the amazing support from the spectators. The local people were amazing – dancing, singing, and even blessing us as we ran by. The energy was infectious. And so was the motivation. Every person there had a reason for running marathons or that race in particular. As the Rock n Roll series raises money for cancer, there were thousands of runners with signs on their backs of loved ones they had lost. Others ran for different losses. I met many recent divorcees, people who ran to celebrate their recovery, and one woman who runs a marathon a year to maintain and celebrate her 160 lb weight loss.  It was impossible to not be inspired.

Mile 7 was my game-changer. I injured my IT band almost two years doing Tough Mudder (and a 1/2 marathon the next weekend). I rehabed it and it hasn’t bothered me much in the past year or so. Until yesterday, that is. I felt the familiar pain and pull along the outside of my left leg. I spent a few miles using anything at my disposal to try to coax the fascia into loosening. I repeatedly used traffic cones to dig into the soft tissue and I even borrowed a broom from a volunteer so that I could roll my IT band with the handle. It wasn’t helping, nor was the Tylenol, ice, and wrap from the medical tent. By about mile 12, I had given up on this being the race I wanted. I realized that the leg would not get better and that my ability to run was severely hindered. Those were the tough miles. I gripped the 15 mile note from my boyfriend from mile 12 until it was time to open it. At that point, the course took us through the Savannah State campus and even around their track where the dance team and cheerleaders encouraged us on. That was great timing. As my pace slowed, I found myself amongst the running wounded and the more mature marathoners. That was okay with me. There is a spirit there in the back of the pack that felt right to me. I met a great man, Dennis, at the 24 mile marker. He was also hurting and, like me, was slowly giving up running in favor of walking. He said he would pull me across the finish line if I did the same for him. We both made it, limping and grinning.

Going into this race, I knew that it was going to be a mental game. I think it’s impossible to tackle that kind of distance and not have to dig into to your mental reserves. What surprised me; however, is that the race was very emotional. I first teared up at mile 5 at the kind words of a volunteer. From that point on, the tears hit every mile or so for just a few moments. The waterworks continued into the afternoon and evening as I recounted pieces of the race to my boyfriend and they even sit near the surface today. I’m not a crier and not prone to over-emotion, so this has been a surprise.

At the finish line. Finally!

The marathon was more symbolic of life and its struggles than I expected, as well. I went into the race expecting to run. I didn’t plan on the injury, but once it occurred, I had no choice but to accept it. I could have given up. In fact, there were times when the pain was so bad, I wanted to simply collapse where I was. But instead, I chose to continue. It wasn’t the journey I planned for, but it was a beautiful experience nonetheless. In my life, I never expected to be divorced. I didn’t plan for that injury either. But just like yesterday, I had a choice. And I chose to continue and even though it is not the life I anticipated, it is beautiful. Yup, I’d say I won:)

And, on a related note, I was happy to hear on Friday evening that mayor Bloomberg decided to cancel the New York marathon for this weekend. I understand the frustration of planning (and training, in the case of the runners) for so long and having to cancel at the last minute, but it was the right thing to do. And, as I’ve learned, marathoners understand that you can plan and prepare all you want, but that ultimately, you cannot control the outcome. I have the utmost respect for the runners who are using their pre-purchased trips to NY to assist in storm relief. You may not have run your race, but you certainly deserve a medal in my eyes.

 

Why I Run – Pre-Marathon Update

I run not to get away,  but to get through.

I run not to become out of breath, but to gain breath.

I run to be social and I run for solitude.

I run to connect and I run to disconnect.

I run not to avoid work, but to inspire work.

I run to feel empowered and I run to remind myself that I am still weak.

I run to meditate and I run to ruminate.

I run not to lose weight, but to gain balance.

I run because it is what I do.

Because I run, I can be who I am.

And that is why I run.
And tomorrow, I will run 26.2 miles. I ran my first race, a half marathon, just three years ago. I was weak and skinny. I made it through by mental determination alone. I didn’t let the body know that it couldn’t make it. I’m in a very different place now. I have trained for months and dialed my nutrition in. I’m ready. That first race was run to prove to myself that I could make it through seemingly insurmountable odds as I faced the legal process of the divorce and the struggle to find myself among the debris left behind. This race will be run to remind myself of how far I have come and to celebrate the journey.

The miles feel shorter now. What seemed impossible three years ago is now quite probable. My challenge this time is to release expectations, enjoy rather than endure, and simply be in each mile. I placed myself in a slower corral so that I am forced to start slowly and be aware of my surroundings. I’m looking forward to hearing the bands (not too much country, please!!!!) and meeting new friends along the way. I’m excited about spending time in a beautiful city with my boyfriend and meeting up with an old friend.

My dad sent me a wonderful, encouraging email yesterday reminding me that this marathon is nothing compared to the theoretical ones I have already run and that victory lies not in the timing chip but in the wealth of friends and family. Thanks, dad, for the reminder. I might need it at mile 22!

How Long is Your Marathon?

Marathon Musings

Marathon Motivation

Why I Became a Tough Mudder

Gear Check

Confidence Run

Synergy of Mental and Physical Strength

10 Relationship Lessons From My Vibrams