Preventative Medicine

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

There is one question that I am frequently asked that I find difficult to answer.

 

“What advice can you give to others to keep this from happening to them?”

 

I wish I could dispense some nugget of wisdom that would alert to an impending tsunami divorce. I would love to be able to provide a talisman against deception and betrayal. It would be wonderful to give people the security in knowing that if they only said or did certain things that this could not happen to them. I wish I could. But I cannot.

 

There are no guarantees. The cancer of a compulsive liar can metastasize in even the most visibly healthy relationships. There are no guarantees but there are some signs that something wicked may be coming.

 

In my case, I had been with my husband since we were 16. I knew his family. I knew his childhood friends. I was with him as he grew into an adult. I saw him through struggles and triumphs. I thought I knew him as well as it is possible to know another. I was wrong. Just because you knew someone does not mean that you know them.  It is natural to be more alert at the beginning stages of a relationship and then to slowly settle as you develop a comprehensive picture of who your partner is. It is not healthy or beneficial to remain on that higher state of alert for the long haul but that does not mean that one’s eyes should completely close either. We all change. It is important that your mental construct of your partner be flexible to change as well.

 

It was different for Amanda, my husband’s other wife. They married within three months of meeting. She had never been to Atlanta, where he lived, nor met any of his friends and family (their wedding had a couple hundred people – all on her side). That would have been a little too awkward since they all knew me as his long-time wife. He told her stories of great sums of money he was to earn from the sale of a company that he owned (actually, it was his friend’s company, not his) while he maxed out her credit cards. He was ready to leave his established life and move to Uganda with her without hesitation.Perhaps it’s just my insider perspective here, but I see huge warning signs that she could have spotted.

Health
Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits)

I think my answer to prevention can be best thought of by comparing it to physical health.

 

I would like to never face the ravages of cancer. I read research on the disease to educate myself about its known causes. I work to mitigate those causative factors within my life: I eat well, I exercise, I don’t smoke, etc. However, I do not let the fear of a potential disease prevent me from a day in the sun or enjoying a glass of wine. There is balance between knowledge and preventative medicine and continuing to live. I try to find that sweet spot. Regardless of how healthy I try to be, there is no promise that I will never face malignancy. All I can do is try to lower the risk factors and make sure that I am as healthy as possible in case I do have to fight that battle. And, in the meantime, I’m not wearing armor for a war that may never begin.

 

The Accounting of Loss

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Lean accounting

I’m a numbers girl. I like to quantify things. I enjoy manipulating variables until I arrive at the security of the right answer. So, when I went to play a favorite album on my iTunes yesterday and my ex’s email popped up with a prompt for an unknown password (his computer was the main one and so all iTunes purchases and downloads were routed through his machine), I wanted to pick up a red pen and add “iTunes library” to the mental ledger that catalogued all of the losses from the divorce. Its entry would reflect the dollar value of replacing all of the shared library that now only accessible by him. It would not be a lonely entry; it would join hundreds of other losses, both tangible and intangible, that I incurred with that initial text.

Fuming, I settled on another album, pressed play, and looked up to resume work on formatting the book (note to self – never, and I mean never, take a job that includes editing or formatting!). My eye caught a note that I have posted above my computer:

Gratitude

-great relationship

-awesome family & friends

-good job and promising additional career

-health and love of working out

-awesome pets

-roof over my head in a city I love

-progress beyond imagined

-learning to let go of fear

-being able to help others heal

-he didn’t take my life

Obviously, that list would be recorded in black in the assets column of my mental ledger. But what dollar amount would I assign to each item? How could I even begin to quantify those things that are so dear? I can’t. There are some things that go far beyond an analytical list.

I think it’s time to retire the ledger and to become lax in my accounting, at least that done in the red. I think I’ll choose to count my blessings rather than enumerate my losses.

Surrender

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is natural to resist.

To struggle.

To put up a fight.

It is natural for us but that does not mean that it always helps us.

I receive a lesson in surrendering twice a day when it is animal feeding time. The cat, Maddy, comes first. She usually is loud and insistent as she tries to lead me to her food dish. She likes to wind in and out of my feet making the journey difficult especially if I have to come down the stairs. She then positions her body over the food dish, making it challenging to pour the kibble around her ready frame. At least once a week, she pushes up against my arm while I am pouring, thus spilling food across the floor. She gets fed, but we all end up frustrated in the process.

A full dish with no cat in sight. A VERY unusual situation! She probably knew I wanted a picture…

The dog, Tiger, is in total contrast to the feline. As soon as I make a move towards his dish, he slides into a prone position with his head down and averts his gaze as I mix his food. He stays in that position until the food is on the floor and he is told “okay.” By surrendering to the process, he (and the rest of the household!) is calm and peaceful while the food is served.

There are certainly times in life when it is appropriate to take up arms and be ready to fight for your rights or those of your loved ones. There are times when pushing through is the only way and surrendering will only leave you trampled in the dust.

But those times are much fewer and far between than we realize. Think of your own life. Do you ever fight for a meal that is coming anyway? Do you protest even when others are moving to your aide? Do you inadvertently trip those around you or block what you desire?

Tiger patiently waiting for his breakfast.

I know I do.

I have a tendency to see surrendering as a weakness, a sign of giving up and giving in. I fight, not against any real adversary, but for control. The desire for the illusion of control is what holds us back from acceptance. It is a fruitless fight, that battle for control. You may as well be in a brawl with a ghost, struggling to hold tight to an apparition. There is power in surrender. It shows that you are strong enough to let go of control and trust that you will remain standing nonetheless. There is peace in surrender as the pointless clash is let go. Learn when to trade in your sword for a white flag and yield to that which causes you struggle.

Luckily feeding time comes twice a day so that I can remember the value in surrendering. And the fact that cats are not very trainable.

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Transistance

Posted on by stilllearning2b

transistance [tran′zis·təns]

(electronics)
The characteristic that makes possible the control of voltages or currents so as to accomplish gain or switching action in a circuit; examples of transistance occur in transistors, diodes, and saturable reactors.

McGraw-Hill Dictionary of Scientific & Technical Terms, 6E, Copyright © 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

transistance [tran′zis·təns]

(psychology)

The characteristic of being resistant to transitions.

Me. Sometimes I feel the need to make up a new word or ascribe a new meaning to an established word in order to say what I want to say. This is one of those cases. Apologies in advance if that offends you.

Anyone involved with education is familiar with the enormous transitions from school to summer and then back again. As a teacher, I am involved with shutting down and then restarting an entire organization every year. It is a transition on a macro scale. Embedded within that transition, each person involved is also facing change. I see it in the rising freshmen in the spring and the incoming sixth graders in the fall. I see it on the faces of the parents as they witness their “babies” growing into maturity. I see it in the teachers as we adapt to new curriculum and new routines. It is an exciting and stressful time for all.

But why is it stressful? The coming of another school year and the aging of children are expected. Normal. So why the anxiety that bleeds into the buzz?

Transistance.

We so easily fall into the trap of thinking that the way things are now is the way they are always going to be. We might plan for tomorrow yet we see it from the perspective of today. That creates a friction between our psyches and the “now” that results in a resistance to change. We know transitions are inevitable yet it is difficult to imagine the biting wind of a winter storm while baking in the summer sun.

The only thing constant is change. Heraclitus

I did not used to be as aware of the affect that transitions had on me. I would find that I didn’t sleep as well or that my mind felt scattered, but I never really dug down into it. I am trying to be more mindful of the transitory periods in my life so that approach them proactively. I make sure to take a little extra time to be quiet: yoga, meditation, or a solo hike or run. I do a better job listening to my body even it that means going to bed before 9:00 p.m. I remind myself that the stress of transition is also temporary and that a new normal will once again be reached. I still experience transistance. We all do. But now I can face it with a smile.

How about you? Have you experienced any transitions lately? Did you have transistance? How do you cope with transitions?

The Long Con

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the aspects that had been the most difficult for me to deal with is the realization that I was fooled by my husband. Conned. I felt (and still feel) like a fool. In my latest for Huffington Post, I describe some of the lengths my ex went to as he crafted and covered his other life.

If my husband had been Pinocchio, his nose would have been a giant redwood. While we were married, I thought he was a real boy. Once he disappeared, I learned otherwise. Read more here.

Screenshot of Pinocchio from the trailer for t...