Five Years Ago Today

Five years ago today, I awoke afraid of seeing the man who had abandoned me eight months before. And when he passed me in the courthouse hall, I didn’t even recognize him.

Five years ago today, I was ready for the divorce I never wanted from the man I thought I knew.

Five years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with. A man I once considered my best friend. We never made eye contact.

Five years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none. After sixteen years, he was truly a stranger to me.

Five years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine. Hoping that the judge saw through his lies and would not fall sway to him charms. She didn’t, even asking my husband’s attorney if he was “psycho.” The lawyer could only shrug.

Five years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that it was all over. It was a relief and yet the finality was jarring.

Five years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden. I believed I couldn’t begin to heal until his malignancy had been removed.

Five years ago today, I laughed when I learned he hadn’t paid his attorney. I had warned the man my husband was a con. Maybe he believed me now.

Five years ago today, I held tightly to that decree, still believing that its declarations had power. I felt relief that he would have to pay back some of what he stole from the marriage. The relief was short lived.

Five years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman. Steps I never expected to take. The first few were shaky. But I soon started to find my stride.

Five years ago today, I sat around a restaurant table with friends and my mother. A table that had held my husband and I countless times over our marriage. We celebrated the end of the marriage that night. I had celebrated my anniversary there the year before.

Five years ago today, I read my husband’s other wife’s blog for the last time, curious if she would mention anything about the court date. She did not. I erased the URL from my history. It no longer mattered.

Five years ago today, I sealed the piles of paperwork from the divorce and the criminal proceedings into a large plastic tub. As the lid clicked in place, I felt like I was securing all of that anguish in my past.

Five years ago today, I started to wean myself off of the medication that allowed me to sleep and eat through the ordeal. I was thankful it had been there, but I no longer wanted the help.

Five years ago today, I fell asleep dreaming of hope for the future rather than experiencing nightmares of the past.

And now, five years on, I could not be happier with where I am.

Not because of the divorce.

But because losing everything made me thankful for everything.

Because being blind made me learn how to see.

Because being vulnerable created new friendships and bonds.

Because being destroyed made me defiantly want to succeed.

And because losing love made me determined to find it again.

I am happier than I’ve ever been.

And I could not be where I am without five years ago today.


If All Had Gone As I Had Planned

If all had gone as I had planned, tomorrow would be my fifteenth anniversary.

I’m glad it didn’t turn out as planned.

What Goes Around

Five years ago today, I went through the Atlanta airport on my way to Seattle to see my father for the first time in years. I was anxious about seeing my dad and had no idea it was the last time I would ever see my husband.

Today, I am going through the Atlanta airport on my way to Seattle to see my father for the first time in months. I am ecstatic about seeing him and my new husband is joining me on this trip.

I worried I would always dread this week in the year.

But there’s nothing to dread.

It may have been the week that ended my old life.

But it was also the start of my new and better one.

My Story – Part 3

So, I realized after I filmed this that I neglected to go into much detail about the time immediately following the suicide attempt (like the text conversation my husband had with my mom – yeah, weird) and what happened with the other wife at that time. All that is detailed in the book along with much more of the humor around the court craziness. It just gets too detailed to try to explain verbally and, truth be told, I wanted to get on to the better stuff:) Hopefully, I won’t make anybody cry with this one!

Before you watch Part 3, please make sure you’ve seen Part 1 and Part 2.

My Story – Part 2

Please watch Part 1 first:)

Thanks for the positive feedback on the first video. I thought it might give a more “human” feel to the story and I’m glad to see that that seems to be the case.

I want to address a couple points. First, I don’t consider myself brave. I just think there is a need for a public dialog about divorce and deception. This kind of situation is so much more common that we know (for both men and women) but many don’t talk about it because they feel ashamed or foolish. The only shame is in remaining silent and allowing this continue and for people to feel alone and unsupported.

I know there are those that wonder why I still write and talk about this now that I am happily remarried and have moved on. I talk about it because there are still those going through it. I talk about because I want to show the depths I came from and give hope to those still there. I talk about it to show that it’s okay to still feel sad sometimes and that our pasts are a part of us.

Those of that read me regularly know that I don’t spend much time talking about those first few awful weeks. That’s because it makes me hurt for the Lisa of five years ago. I wish I could tell her that it would be okay great and that she would have love and life again.

Without further ado, here’s part two:


And now on to Part 3!