16 Things I Wish I Knew On the Day My Husband Left Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The text read, “I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way, but I’m leaving you and leaving the state.”

My world collapsed.

I did too.

Here’s what I wish I could tell that woman folded on the floor, trying to process those words from her husband –

 

1 – You will spend so much energy on things that don’t matter.

It all seems so important right now – Why is he doing this? What is causing him to act this way? How could he say that he loved me and yet betray me behind my back? You are going to spend so many sleepless nights agonizing over these questions. Your journal – and later your blog – will be filled with unanswered “Whys,” because you believe that you need those answers in order to be free.

But eventually, as those pleas for understanding remain unanswered, you’ll come to realize that it matters so much less than you thought it did. That the things that really matter are right in front of you and that your energy is better spent forward than on paying the parking meters in the past.

 

2 – Details that seem so important now will be forgotten.

You’re going to obsess over the details of his double life, holding up the life you thought you had to what you now know like one of those “What is Different?” spreads in Highlights Magazine. It will seem so critical to uncover every detail and reveal every lie. It will give you a sense of control even as your world spins around you. If you just know all of the pieces, then maybe you can put yourself back together again.

Those memories, so painfully imprinted on your mind right now, will fade like a bruise over time. You will forget the curve of his cheek, no longer remember those shared moments clearly and even those painful images from the end will become blurry and distant.

 

3 – Things that feel impossible will happen.

In a few days, you’re going to discover that you are the victim of financial abuse. And the fallout of this is going to feel impossible to ever climb out of. But don’t underestimate yourself. You’re a fighter. It’s going to take you several years, but you WILL rebuild and pay off all of the debt he has left you with.

Those other things that feel impossible right now – trusting again, loving again, being happy again – those are going to happen too. You got this.

 

4 – Those words that hurt so much will be seen for the projection that they are.

Through letters to others and emails to his lawyer, he is going to say some horrible things. Words that will cut deeply and echo through your head for years to come. A part of you will immediately know that none of what he is saying is true. But a bigger part – the part that trusted him and valued his opinions for so long – is going to internalize what he said.

Gather up all of the evidence you can to refute his projection and gaslighting BS. He’s painting you out to be the bad guy in an attempt to make himself look better. One day, you’ll be able to see his words for what are – the desperate lies of a desperate man.

 

5 – You’re going to learn some shocking things. Don’t get too hung up on it.

Your life is about to go full-on reality television as the revelations come one after another. The shocking details are going to bring about a strange sort of energy, a rush that temporarily cuts through the sadness. In a way, you come to look forward to the next thing because it tells you that you are still alive.

For a time, you are going to hold to those shocking elements as something that sets you apart, makes your situation different than anyone else’s. As you meet others and hear their stories, you will realize that although your divorce makes a damn good story, the healing from it is really no different than it is for anyone else.

 

6 – You will shift from “Why didn’t he want me?” to “Why he doesn’t deserve me.”

Rejection hurts. And sudden rejection from the person you loved (and though loved you) is horrific. You are going to spend a lot of time thinking about what must have been wrong with you for him to discard you so easily.

But with time and perceptive, you’re going to realize that none of this was about you. He was on a path of destruction and you were just collateral damage.

 

7 – You’re not broken and you’re not unlovable.

You know that sweater that you adore? That one you got from Goodwill almost 20 years ago that still looks brand new? Well, someone once discarded that sweater, thinking that it had no value to them.

You’re kind of like that sweater. Someone has discarded you, but that doesn’t mean that you have no value. You may be shattered, but you’re not broken. You may be lost, but you’re not unlovable.

 

8 – He’s been lying to you, but you’ve been lying to yourself too.

You’re going to uncover his lies first. After all, they’re pretty easy to spot once you know which thread to pull to unravel it all. The lies you’ve been telling yourself will take longer to see. You’ve told yourself that you can’t live without him, but you can. Your subconscious mind believed that you couldn’t handle the truth, but you can. You thought that if you played by the rules, you couldn’t get hurt. That if you stayed quiet to keep the peace, that everything would be okay.

It’s going to be scary to face those truths. But you can do it.

 

9 – You’re having a perfectly normal reaction to a completely crazy situation.

There will be moments where you are going to feel crazy, when the situation seems like the fiction spun by an unstable mind and your reactions are outside of your control. Your sobs are going to come so hard that you worry you’re going to somehow tear your body apart. The confusion will leave unable to make even the smallest decision.

None of this is a reflection on you. You’re doing the best you can in a completely crazy situation. The good news? The situation – and your reactions – are temporary.

 

10 – You are going to screw some things up and that’s okay.

You’re going to send emails to him that sounds pathetic and pleading and others that make you sounds like a raging lunatic. You’re going to put your faith – and by extension, your paycheck, into the court system, thinking that they will bring about some sort of justice. You will let your anger about the ongoing financial betrayal consume you and impact those around you. You are going to date too soon and swing between being too available and too distant.

And all of that is okay. There may be thousands of “How to Rebuild Your Life” manuals, but that’s because you only know how to do it once you’ve done. As long as you’re moving forward, it’s okay if you’re making (lots of) missteps.

 

11 – You will have to find a way to live without justice or closure.

You’re going to think that you need an apology from him and some sort of justice through the court system in order to move on. For the better part of year, you will wait. But the apology will never come, the criminal trial will fizzle out with a diversion and the divorce decree will never be enforced.

You will be angry. You will be devastated. You will feel stuck. And then you’ll decide that it doesn’t matter and that damn it, he’s taken enough from you already and you refuse to let him have any more. And so you pack up all that reliance on outside factors to decide when you can move on and you just get to it.

 

12 – Your brain will protect you from acknowledging too much at a time.

The abandonment came as a shock. The betrayal and financial abuse were the aftershocks that rapidly followed. Now, your brain is on the defensive. It’s acting to protect you from any further harm. This is a good thing, because it gives you the space you need to acclimate to each new piece of information.

But it also means that processing all of this cannot be rushed. This is like a great big hunk of steak. The only way to get through it is by taking small bites and giving yourself time to fully chew.

 

13 – There will be surprising benefits to all of this that eventually you’ll be able to appreciate.

You’re going to like who you become on the other side of this. You’re going to learn so much about yourself and about the world and you’re going to find some really neat ways to put that knowledge into use.

You are going to have so much gratitude about what you do have and compassion for yourself and others. Even the worst experiences can have silver linings if you know where to look.

14 – Healing will take longer than you think.

At first, you think that you’ll be better by the time the divorce is final. Then, you will reluctantly extend that timeline to a year. Then another. You’re going to have months strung together with no issues and then you’ll walk headfirst into another trigger when you’re not looking.

Healing does not speak calendar. It is going to take longer than you think. Don’t forget to live in the meantime.

 

15 – You will meet some amazing people.

Any second now, your dad is going to rush to your side. And he won’t leave it. He’ll be followed by your mom and then one friend after another. You are going to become very aware of the support that you’ve always has around you.

And then once you’re back out in the world, you are going to meet so many amazing people. People that inspire you, challenge you, teach you. People that you never would have met if it wasn’t for all this.

 

1 6 -Your world will become bigger.

You’re going to dream bigger and have the courage to take those leaps of faith.

How Could They Move On So Quickly?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
move on ex

My ex-husband certainly wasted no time. He didn’t even bother filing for divorce before he married his second (I’m assuming here; there could have been others) wife.

Among all of the myriad thoughts that crashed around my mind in the aftermath of the discovery, one kept popping back up to the surface,

“How could he move on so quickly?”

I just couldn’t understand how he could go from sixteen years with the same person to seemingly head-over-heels within weeks of meeting this new woman. Here he was celebrating his newfound love while I was still struggling to sleep through the night.

Of course, it was apples to oranges trying to equate my mental state at the time with his. For so many reasons, we were at different places when it came to our readiness for moving on.

The following are some of the reasons that your ex may have moved on (or appeared to move on) soon after your breakup:

 

They have pre-grieved the breakup.

In some situations, one person has known (or at least suspected) that the relationship is over long before it is pronounced terminal. In these cases, the one with the prior knowledge often begins grieving the end of the relationship months or even years before it is truly over. They may begin to withdraw, they might start to expand their social circle and hobbies to fill anticipated gaps and they have time to process the loss. They will be ready to move on before you are because they have been attending to the breakup for a longer period of time.

 

They want you to think they’ve moved on.

Sometimes moving on is an illusion, a play put on social media or spread through mutual acquaintances in an attempt to make you jealous or regretful. The urge is understandable, although childlike. It can be driven by a, “I’ll show them that I am desirable” attitude. Others try to appear moved on soon after the end of the relationship because they don’t want to be seen as “weak” by appearing affected by the breakup. These people are motivated by a need to be seen as strong.

 

They are afraid of being alone.

Some people hop from relationship to relationship like life is a rocky river crossing. They cannot stomach the thought of being alone and so they waste no time in lining up the next partner as soon as a relationship implodes. This is less “moving on” and more “grasping on;” they’ll hold onto anyone like a life raft. Learn more about the underlying issues that lead to a fear of being alone.

 

They are able to compartmentalize your relationship and the new one.

For many us, we cannot enter into a new relationship before we have fully dissected and processed the previous one. Others are able to keep those two processes more separate. It may be that your ex seems to be moving quickly because they are doing the often- invisible internal work concurrent with reentry to the dating scene.

 

They are using dating as a distraction.

Let’s face it, divorce sucks. And while you’re going through it, you’d rather think about anything else. For some, this distraction comes in the form of dating. Although this can look like they’re moved on, they’re are really using others as a bandaid to temporarily stop the pain. Early dating can also be motivated by the blow to confidence that often accompanies divorce; it’s good to feel wanted.

 

They started seeing this person before your relationship ended.

If your ex seems to have moved on quickly, it may be that they were having an affair during your relationship and now that your partnership has ended, the love interest is brought to the surface. Of course, this revelation brings with it it’s own set of problems. Betrayal is a uniquely piercing pain with long-ranging repercussions.

 

They met somebody who is a good fit for them at this point in their lives.

And here’s the hard one – maybe they have met somebody that is a good match for them. I know that can be difficult to stomach when you still might be wishing/hoping/believing that you’re that person. It’s important here to remember that not being the right person for them does not mean that you’re a bad person and it certainly does not mean that you’re not the right person for someone else. It simply means that your ex found a better match for them and now you have an opportunity to look for somebody better for you.

 

 

In my ex’s case, he knew that the end was approaching and so had time to process the divorce long before it happened. He was having affairs and so his other wife was lined up and ready to go. And, from what I learned, she was a good fit for him at the time – trusting, nomadic and in possession of a decent credit score.

In time, I no longer questioned how he could move on so quickly. Instead, I got busy with moving on myself with a sense of gratitude that she helped to take him out of my life and far away.

 

When It’s Raining, Let it Rain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I made my intention clear in the first few weeks after the marital tsunami – once the divorce was final and the school year over, I was going to leave my former life behind and move across the country to Seattle.

As I saw it, there was only one little problem.

The rain.

As a lifetime resident of the south, I was accustomed to huge sky-opening downpours followed by endless days of sun. And Seattle, with its endless drizzle beckoned like a form of impending water torture.

And since I had yet to master the art of controlling the weather, I decided that I needed to work on changing my approach to it instead.

My normal approach was to wait for the nice days to go for a hike or a run. And on those inevitably rainy days, I would tuck into a good book or carry my laptop to a seat by the window where I could work while listening to the rain. In my determination to acclimate, I upended my tendencies, actively seeking the rainy days for my outdoor pursuits.

My early approaches were rather comical. I would cover every inch of skin, as though the falling water would cause blisters to rise on unprotected flesh. I would pull my cap down low over my face, intent on shielding my eyes from even the smallest drop. And before venturing out, I would steel myself in my car, a pep talk before greeting the downpour.

I went out the rain, yet I fought against the rain. I saw it like a battle. One I was determined to win through sheer will alone. And I guess I did okay. I refused to allow the precipitation to dictate my day. I carried on regardless of the weather. I allowed the rain to wash the sweat off my limbs and to carry away my tears.

But I still wasn’t ready. Because I still didn’t get it.

Then came the day of my first-ever race. A 10K. Longer than I had ever run. The day came with a cold dampness heavy in the dark. I blasted the heat in my car as I drove across town to the starting point. I felt a hesitant confidence. Excitement mixed with apprehension as the coffee pooled in my belly.

Buoyed by the energy at the starting line, I took my place in the group with building confidence. And with my first few steps came the first few drops of rain. Within the first mile, the light drizzle had turned into a steady rain, each drop like a cold steel ball dropped upon my skin. My skin was unprotected by a hat or excess clothing.

I felt my spirits drop and with them, my certainty that I could do this thing. Doubts crept into my mind as the rising water found its way into my shoes and through my socks. I cursed the sky for letting it rain and I cursed myself for not being prepared.

In my lowest moment, I saw the frontrunner on their return to the starting point, as this was an out-and-back course. I almost turned around and gave up with the belief that the rain was too much for me. That I needed to seek shelter and wait for sunnier days.

And then I remembered my goal for the year – to adapt to the rain. To accept the difficult times and continue nonetheless. To refuse to wait until conditions were ideal to make a move and to trust in my ability to make it through.

And so I kept going that morning. One step at a time. Two hours later, I crossed the finish line. Cold. Shaking. And soaked through to the core.

But also triumphant. Because the storm didn’t stop me. My own tears soon joined those from the sky, streaking down my face.

Because the only thing to do when it’s raining, is let it rain.

img_7635

 

At Some Point, It’s No Longer About the Nail

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When is it no longer about what hurt you?

 

In the beginning, I made it all about him.

What he did.

Why he did it.

How he did it.

Where he was.

Who he was.

 

It was an escape of a sort. A distraction. If I stayed focused on him, I didn’t have to think about me.

 

What I was going to do now that my life was washed away.

Why this happened to me.

How I was going to survive and rebuild.

Where I was going to live.

And who I was without him.

 

But at some point, I had to decide to make it all about me. To turn my energies towards what I could change rather than curse what I could not.

Because no matter how much attention I turned towards him, it wasn’t going to help me feel any better.

 

When you first step upon a nail, the sharp steel tearing through tender flesh, it is prudent to focus on the nail. First by removing the offending stake and then by examining it for any signs of rust or fragments left behind.

And then at some point, the nail no longer matters.

Only the wound is of consequence. And your attentions must turn to the ministrations of puncture care, ensuring that it heals fully without infection to poison the blood.

 

A difficult divorce is much the same. Once the distressing person has been removed, focus on them only leaves your wounds unattended.

Because at some point, the nail no longer matters.

Only you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Tsunami hazard sign

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted.  A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction.  The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation.  Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce.  The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage.  These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.

 

What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted.  Others in their lives may echo this sentiment.  It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror.  The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.

 

How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?

Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration.  This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go.  There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home.  There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments.  One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind.  This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing.  On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.

In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden.  The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  There are no painful discussions.  In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though their voice has been stolen.  There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.

 

What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?

1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system.  Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild.  Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.

 

Struggling to recover after being flattened by your own tsunami? Learn how to surf the overwhelming wave.

 

You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.