You Win Some When You Lose Some: A Father’s Day Tribute

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Ice skating with dad

Three years ago next month, I lost my husband. Three years ago next month, I gained a father.

My parent’s divorce occurred when I was in elementary school. My dad then relocated across the country shortly after I turned 11. We did not see much of each other for the rest of my childhood or throughout my twenties. In fact, we didn’t really know each other.

Three years ago next month, I went to visit my dad for the first time in several years. I think we were both a little nervous, as were trying to learn the choreography of our adult relationship. I was with him when I received the text that ended my marriage. In that instant, I gained a father in the truest sense of the word.

With no hesitation, I became his little girl again. He moved into action immediately, doing what he could . He held my hand for the endless trip back to Atlanta, not even letting go when he drifted off to sleep on the plane. He made the phone calls I couldn’t and stayed in the house with the dogs when I wasn’t able. He cried with me and cursed with me. He hurt with me and he healed with me.

Three years ago next month, I gained a father. A guide. A cheerleader. A mentor. A friend.

Sometimes, it takes a loss to realize what you have. You win some when you lose some. Dad, I’m glad I won you:)

And Tiger’s looking forward to your visit too!

Tiger is excited to meet his granddaddy!

Mindfulness is a Highlighter

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you turn your gaze when you receive a shot?  Dream of a tropical island while you are on the dentist’s chair?  Imagine walking on the beach while you are crushed into the seats in coach for a cross-country flight?  Our minds are so good at these little disconnections, these travels away from the current discomfort.  The problem is that, as with anything we repeatedly do, that mental disconnection can become a habit.

Deception Pass and Fidalgo Island
Deception Pass and Fidalgo Island (Photo credit: WorldIslandInfo.com)

When I take an honest look back at my life, I can see that I have, at times, become too dependent upon my mind’s ability to wander.  I had two years of teaching where I was completely miserable due to the circumstances at the school.  In order to cope, I distracted myself as much as possible.  I was not present in that classroom at all, although I still made connections with the kids and the test scores showed that they mastered the matieral.  I knew that I was unhappy with work, but when I realized how dependent I had become on being  disconnected, I knew that I had to make a change.  A drastic one.

Mindfulness is a highlighter.  Examine your own life.  When do you tend to engage in mental escape?  That is a clue that something about that environment, situation, or relationship may need to change because it is causing you pain.  Or, perhaps, you need to be honest with yourself about the discomfort and change your approach to it.  Regardless, mentally running away from any lasting situation will not be of benefit.  Bring your focus to the present and connect with what is causing you discomfort. As with studying a textbook, the highlighted areas are the ones that need more attention.

Sweat and Tears

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Tears for Norway .....

The tears were close to the surface this morning.

Tears of frustration born from his decisions nickel and diming away my future.

Tears of anger at myself for falling for his swindle.

Tears of shame at how I am perceived as I act as the face of his mess

While he continues to run away.

I welcomed the hot breathe of the yoga studio today,

Seeking purification and strength within its walls.

I set my intention, looking for acceptance.

I was told to “let it go,”

But I held on for dear life.

As I pressed into my first down dog,the hot tears formed furrows

In the beads of sweat rolling down my face.

I struggled to keep my breath as the sobs stole the rhythm from my vinyasa,

The body trying to share its wisdom with the mind.

“Feel deeper,” echoed the instructor’s voice as we were bent over in a forward fold,

The tap-tap-tap of sweat hitting the floor telling the tales of the heat.

“You will not be given more than you can bear.”

My hips felt like they were being wrenched apart,

Following in the footsteps of my heart.

“Let it go.”

I breathed into the pain, trying to soften.

“Don’t let the difficulty opening the hips translate to tension in the neck;”

“Don’t let something that is challenging destroy something which is working beautifully.”

Folding into child’s pose, I took a moment and let that soak in.

My current struggle is temporary, my gratitude is not.

“Let it go”

I walked out of the studio, the pouring summer rains,

Washing the sweat and tears from my enlightened body.

Ready to sever the final ugly tie to the past,

Trusting that the price will not be too much to bear.

I am ready

to let it go.

;

;

Related articles

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Tsunami hazard sign

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted.  A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction.  The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation.  Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce.  The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage.  These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.

What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted.  Others in their lives may echo this sentiment.  It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror.  The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.

English: Tsunami Evacuation Route signage sout...

How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?

Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration.  This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go.  There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home.  There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments.  One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind.  This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing.  On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.

In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden.  The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  There are no painful discussions.  In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though his/her voice has been stolen.  There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.

What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?

1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.

2) Examine your own tsunami warning system.  Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?

3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.

4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild.  Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.

You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

Tsunami Divorce in the Huffington Post

How to Surf a Tsunami: A How-To Guide to Healing

Heal. Healing. Healed?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Healing of the Wrathful Son

I’m not sure “healed” should be a word.

Heal?  Yes.  Healing?  Absolutely.  But, healed?  Past tense.  As in done.  Finished.  Over.  Completed.  Shut the door and turn the key.

I’m not so sure.

Some days I think I’m there, the wound healed over with no hint of a scar.  But that’s just wishful thinking.  A fallacy reveled when the wound opens from the slightest unintentionally targeted remark or interaction, triggering the pain and uncertainty associated with the initial cut.  At least now I have practice.  Practice feeling the pain and the fear.  Recognizing its roots.  Knowing what part of it is real and what is simply echoes of the past, ghosts that can cause no real harm.  I have practice accepting the pain and practice letting it go.  I speak its language.

It is said that practice makes perfect.  Will perfect be when I am healed?  Or will I achieve perfection in the cycle of feeling, accepting, and releasing?  Most likely, perfection will remain elusive and I will have to settle for better:)

Maybe I will be healed when I accept that I will always be healing.