If you missed my interview with Debbi Dickinson last week, you can find the mp3 here. I talk about strategies to move out of victimhood and take charge of your own life. Enjoy:)
Two-Faced July
July has the potential for being ugly to me. July is the month of tough anniversaries, from the last full day I spent with my husband (7/4/09) to the last embrace with my husband (early morning 7/5/09) to the day my marriage ended (7/11/09) and the aftermath. Oh, the bloody aftermath. As these dates spin around on the calendar once again, it is impossible not to have them chafe.
That is only one of July’s faces; however. July has become a month of wonderful memories these last few years as my boyfriend (dubbed “Sir Beef” by one of my readers) and I have embraced the activities of the summer. One of my favorites of these is the Peachtree Road Race, a 10K held every July 4 in Atlanta that welcomes 60,000 runners and about as many support personal and spectators.
This is the second year that Sir Beef and I have run the Peachtree, and it has now become a tradition. The event is like no other race I have ever done. You have everything from the elite Kenyans who complete the entire 6.2 miles in under 30 minutes (yup, that is sub 5 minute miles!) to ten-year-old kids running with their families. Some people take it seriously and compete for time; others take part in keg stands along the way. I love running along side (and around! there is quite a bit of zigging and zagging!) so many people with different backgrounds and stories that lead them to this race. I always overhear conversations about people using this event to encourage their wellness journeys as they work to lose significant amounts of weight. Others have run this race for 20 consecutive years and can tell you about the history of the event. There are always a large number of current and former troops on the course and the support for them is deafening.
Apart from the energy of the larger community, I enjoy participating with Sir Beef. He makes me proud as he encourages slower runners up “Heart Attack Hill” or give a fist-bump to a kid running his first race. He almost made me cry last year when he slowed down in the last few tenths of mile to run alongside a troop who was struggling in full fatigues in the heat and humidity. That’s my boy:) I love the encouraging kiss we share at the start line and the sweaty uncoordinated one mid-run. I especially love that we cross the finish line together, hand in hand.
After the race, we chowed down (love me some veggie nachos!) and we took the beast to dog park so that he could get some exercise too.
As I continue to layer memories like these over the pain of three years ago, the painful past fades and is replaced with smiles and hope for the future. I like this face of July a whole lot better:) And, now, all I have to say is, “Go Braves!”
Dating After Divorce: Lessons From the Classroom
Here’s my latest on Huffington Post:)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/fearless-dating-101_b_1641291.html
10 Life Lessons From the Dog Whisperer
Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “The Dog Whisperer? That guy deals with…dogs. What on earth could he teach me about life?” Remember that yours truly has found life and relationship lessons in barefoot running shoes, the actions (or lack thereof) of an elderly cat, a campground, and a fencing strip. Oh, and I’m married to a guy who learns about life from the dojo. So, see, life lessons from Cesar Millan is suddenly not so strange now, is it? Besides, his methods have worked to make my 95-lb pit bull the world’s best dog!
1) Energy Transfer
Whenever Cesar meets with a new case, he watches the owner(s) interact with the dogs. He pays more attention to the behavior of the owner than that of the dog. His claim is that anxiety or a lack of confidence in the owner transfers to the dog. He frequently says, “I rehabilitate dogs, but I train people.” In our lives apart from dogs, we also transfer or energy. If you find that you experience stress interacting with someone, check your own energy. What are you responsible for transferring?
2) Don’t Grip the Leash Too Tightly
This is an extension of the lesson above. When you watch the owners walk their troubled dogs, they grip the leash too tightly and pull with all their might if their dogs lunges at another dog. This is transferring the anxiety to dog, but even more importantly, it is giving power to the anxiety. In order to control the dog, the owner has to learn to let go of the illusion of control and has to begin to trust their dog.
3) Prepare for Greetings
Cesar always prepares the dogs carefully before allowing them to enter a dog park or greet other dogs. He makes sure that they are calm and submissive so that they are well-received by the rest of the pack. It is worthwhile to check your own mental state before greeting someone. I know I can come in from a stressful day and take it out on my boyfriend instead of pausing and waiting until my own mind was calm. And, no, I’m not recommending that you start greeting people by sniffing their butts!
4) Work With Nature
According to Cesar, dogs process the world through their noses first, followed by their ears and eyes. Obviously, we tend to use those senses in reverse and we all too often expect that from out pets. Cesar advocated working with the nature of the animal so that you get the results you are looking for with the least amount of resistance. Look around you. Not everyone perceives the world the way you do. Do you expect them to conform to you, or do you allow them to use their nature?
5) Be Aware of the Precursors
On the show, Cesar will often correct a dog when I cannot see any misbehavior. Until the sequence is played in slow motion, that is. Then, you can see a slight tuck of the tail or a tip of the ear, a slight precursor to the attack that is about to occur. Cesar is so successful because he recognizes and responds to these early warning signs. I know in my own life, I am often too busy to notice those little signs, much less respond so quickly to them.
6) Move Forward
When dealing with anxious or aggressive dogs, especially ones that he is trying to form a pack with, Cesar frequently begins by taking them for a walk or a rollerblade ride (I think he has a death wish here!). His reasoning is that when the dogs are moving forward, it is impossible for them to focus on anything else. Now, I do think our brains are more monkey-minded than our canine friends, but we can still benefit from forward movement to calm ourselves. So, when you are angry, sad, or anxious, try going for a walk. Or a rollerblade ride if you’re more daring than I!
7) Calm and Assertive
Cesar always works to get the dogs in a calm and submissive state. The counterpoint to that in the owners is a calm and assertive state. He is very kinesthetic and models what this looks like: shoulders back, head relaxed, arms relaxed. It projects confidence and a calm mind. When I feel stressed, I find myself emulating the body language of Cesar to trick my mind into responding.
8) Trust Your Senses
Cesar relies heavily on intuition; he does not spend too much time in the “thinky place.” He trusts his instincts and, when he needs extra information, he trusts the instincts of his pack as they give him feedback on a new dog. We all too often discount intuition and try to over-analyze everything. Sometimes, it is better to trust your gut or the gut of a friend if yours is out of order.
9) See the Possible
About once a month, I see an episode with a dog that I think is hopeless. Cesar doesn’t give up. Some cases take longer and take more effort, but they can all improve. He brings the worst cases to his ranch, where they are surrounded by a healthy and stable pack. This is a good lesson in our own lives when troubles seem insurmountable. Improvement is always possible. Learn from Cesar, if you need more help, surround yourself with those who are healthy and balanced. Their energy will transfer. And, if that doesn’t work, maybe try chasing a tennis ball.
10) Redirect With Play
Need I say more?
Woof! This post is Tiger-approved.
A Strange Place to Be
Note: If you are not familiar with my basic story, please read this first so you have some context.
I received an email the other day from someone, let’s just call him P, proposing an opportunity that would be very beneficial for me as a writer (chugging away on the book every day!!!) and as a wellness coach.
There was one caveat – he would need to locate my ex-husband. After some deliberation, I agreed and I sent him the contact information that I have. I also informed him that, as of the last I knew, if you Googled my ex’s name along with the limiting and somewhat giggle-inducing keyword, “bigamy,” you would pull up some articles from 2009 as well as his mugshot.
I kept up with my ex’s whereabouts until the divorce was final, in March of 2010. I promised myself at that point that I would never look him or his wife up again. I have held fast to that promise.
Two days after sending P the contact information, I spoke to him on the phone. He had not had any luck in locating the ex (which I expected), but he did say something that caught me short.
“I did Google his name and I found the articles from 2009 and the mugshot. I also found some articles from 2010 and 2011.”
Whoa, Nelly. There’s new information out there. I think P sensed that I did not want to know the content of what he found and so he did not reveal the nature of the articles.
He then made another comment that was interesting.
“We can’t do this if there are any open cases against him.”
Hmmm…so I guess he has continued his life of crime? My first thought was for his wife. I have had a genuine concern that he would try to kill her.
Luckily, that did not seem to be the subject of the articles, as P then said maybe they could locate the wife (ex-wife?) in his place. I agreed, and gave her (also outdated) contact information.
It’s been several days, and I have not heard from P. I doubt that either one of them is easily found and willing to share their stories. Meanwhile, it leaves me in strange place. I know there is information out there. I feel like I should be curious. But, I’m not. I haven’t wanted to search, haven’t had to check myself to keep from typing his name into Google.
Who knows what will become of this little detour in my saga – will he be found? will she turn up? will this opportunity pan out for me? Who knows… Regardless, I see my reaction to this as a sign, a sign that I really have moved on.
Note: For any of you that know me personally and know his name, if you choose to do a search, please do not share what you learn. I really don’t want to trigger the desire to keep up with him again. Thank you:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 