Recreation

Emotionally Introverted

Posted on June 22, 2013 by stilllearning2b

photo-253 — Me on a bike! Let’s just pretend that it’s not because the coast has a dearth of hills:)

Life is beginning to return to normal after my trip to San Antonio. My introverted nature is enjoying the solitude interspersed with connections that I get to savor during the summer. My trip to San Antonio was awesome but it also strains my somewhat reserved nature to always have people around.

Brock stayed behind in Atlanta for this trip. I’m not sure what it was, but I really missed him during my absence. The feeling was mutual. We’re both used to him being gone (generally for only a night or two) for business, but somehow it’s harder when I’m the one out of the house.

My mom and I on our sky swing:) The only thing missing was a dumbwaiter to bring us beverages!

While I was gone and during my travels home, he expressed how much he missed me and was looking forward to having the pack back together. When he finally picked me up at the train station, I received a passionate hello from Tiger and a distracted peck from Brock.

My feelings were hurt, but luckily, we’ve been here before so I knew his pattern.

After I returned to a lukewarm greeting a couple years ago, I panicked. I read his seemingly uninterested welcome as a sign that he was not happy to see me. I thought he was pulling away because of some terrible reason.

I brought it up. We talked about it.

As he was struggling to help me understand his perspective, he used the term “emotionally introverted” to describe himself. He went on to explain that the feelings he had when we were reunited were overwhelming, flooding him. He had to retreat until he could become comfortable and then he would be ready to connect.

I got it. I know the way I can feel when I walk into a crowded room or I am surrounded by people for days at a time. I know those breaks I need from the stimulation so that I can reset and relax.

He wasn’t withdrawing because of an absence of emotion. He was pulling back because he felt too much emotion.

As an introvert, my behavior can be read as rude or antisocial when I am just overwhelmed and flooded.

As an emotional introvert, his behavior can be read as unloving or distancing when he is really just overwhelmed and flooded.

Even knowing this, it still stings a bit. It’s hard to to take it personally. I’m working on it.

In this instance, I didn’t say anything. I kept myself busy and gave him time. Within a few hours, I had the greeting I wanted – full kisses and a long, prone embrace. It was worth the wait.

It’s so easy to make assumptions about the reasons for someone’s actions. We see there behaviors through our own lenses. It’s worth taking the time to try to see through their eyes. You just may be surprised at what you see.

So now the two introverts – one socially and one emotionally – have both been reset and are happy to be back together as a family. At least until my next trip:)

Toe-Dippers and Jumpers

Posted on June 14, 2013 by stilllearning2b

It seems like people fall into one of two categories when it comes to new experiences: toe-dippers who like to ease into the adventure or jumpers.

I had the awesome opportunity to zipline in Austin yesterday thanks to the generosity of my friend, Kay. It. Was. Amazing. First of all, I have never witnessed a tourist/adventure/entertainment company that is so well run and managed. I appreciated everything from the design, to the customer service to the efficiency with which they operate.

I’ve been ziplining before in the Caribbean. It was interesting to compare the experiences. The runs in the Caribbean were designed so that you had to climb up rickety platforms, navigate narrow ledges while ducking under branches and finally take a leap of faith by jumping from a deck 80 feet or more above the ground. Lake Travis Zipline was much different. A trail led from launch site to launch site. Each platform was large, sturdy and had plenty of decking around the launch site. Even though the runs were much longer (including one that is over 2800 feet) and higher (up to 20 stories), you never felt like you were forced to leap. They designed their facility with the toe-dippers in mind.

It started with two “bunny” runs that ran fairly close to the ground. This let you get comfortable with the equipment and the sensation.

Their innovative braking system also facilitated ease; the guides braked for you so all you had to do was place your feet down when you arrived at a platform. This meant that you could fully be in the moment along the run instead of trying to perform the complex calculations based upon your weight, the wind speed and direction and the slackness in the line to try to figure out the optimum time to brake yourself.

You can the huge springs. Gotta love that physics!

Ever the social observer, I found it interesting to compare how people responded to the different designs. In the Caribbean, there were several people who panicked on the first run and never really improved. They had to be soothed and cajoled at every jump since their mind was sending out alert signals. Lake Travis Zipline could not have been more different. There was one woman in our group (no, not me!) who was very nervous prior to initial launch. She hung back, watching each person go ahead of her on the first training line. By the time she completed that run herself, she had a huge smile and was not hesitant again. All she needed was a little support and structure to be ready to take a risk.

We can be toe-dippers or jumpers at times, depending upon the situation. I tend towards the dipping in most physical pursuits (yeah, and I’m going skydiving – yikes!) and yet I am a jumper in many other areas. Brock is a full-on jumper physically yet dips his toes into emotional situations. One is not better than the other or more “right.” When dippers are given encouragement and are made to feel safe in increments, they can be willing to take the same risks as their more impulsive brethren, they just may take longer to get there.

If you find yourself fearful of a situation, think about what you can do to ease yourself in. Don’t worry about the last run that is 200 feet high; tackle the bunny line first. Learn to trust in increments and allow yourself to be comfortable at one stage before you move to the next. If you’re trying to help a toe-dipper, know that pushing too much will backfire and cause them to freeze. Work with their fear and teach them to move through it in stages.A nudge works better than a push!

With the right supports, fear can disappear. The run yesterday was so well designed that I, a self-proclaimed dipper, never even felt a twinge of nervousness.

You don’t have to jump to have the experience (okay, except for skydiving!). Build a ramp and ease your way in. Before you know it, you’ll be flying high!:)

Taming the Monkey Mind: Taking the Monkey for a Ride

Posted on May 13, 2013March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

My monkey mind has been unruly of late. It’s been delivering excuses to refrain from sitting quietly faster than McDonald’s serves up burgers. And the excuses are about as palatable.

I could list those excuses, rationalize away my lack of mindfulness. But what’s the point? It’s just noise. Distraction.

I have two friends, sisters, who lost their mother many years ago. Ever since, they have chosen to make Mother’s Day a day of celebrating life. Their venue of choice? Amusement parks. I have been lucky enough to have been included in the tradition.

Every Mother’s Day finds us at the gates of some purveyor of adrenaline – laced fun. Sometimes we stay local, sometimes we travel. Regardless, the goal is the same – a day of riding as many coasters as possible while engaging in great food and better company.

Boy, did I ever need that yesterday.

The coasters forced my monkey into submission. I had no choice but to accept the experience. No choice but to let go. No choice but to be in the moment and enjoy the ride. With my eyes closed, there was no anticipation, just experience.

With each new coaster, I could feel the tension draining from my shoulders and clarity slowly replacing my muddied brain. My breath deepened and my posture straightened. I felt refreshed and relaxed.

For weeks now, meditation has been a chore, something I have to force myself to do. But this morning, my mat is calling to me, inviting. I want to sit. I want to breathe. I want to be.

Sometimes my monkey mind protests too much stillness and too much routine. He needs to feel the air rushing past his face and hear the joyful screams and laughter bursting forth, unrestrained. He needs to have his untamed side acknowledged and celebrated. He needs to let go with no thought of decorum or restraint (well, other than the ones that keep me from falling 200 feet to the ground!).

Sometimes the monkey just needs to ride. Maybe next year I’ll bring my meditation mat and some incense to the park:)

Walking a Marriage

Posted on March 23, 2013May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

Walking Tiger is pure joy. There is an ease in the connection, a trusted bond evident in the matched rhythms of human and dog. The leash is loose in my hand and the worries loose in my mind. We move forward together, sharing the experience in our unique ways (he spends much more time with his nose to the ground and leg to the sky than I do:)!). We walk in parallel, the journey strengthening our connection and our trust.

It wasn’t always this way with Tiger. First, mutual trust had to be established. He needed to know that I was a competent guide and I needed to believe that he wouldn’t snap or bolt when given freedoms. We needed to learn the other’s rhythms and patterns. I’ll admit that Tiger was easier to train than I was – I let my fears have too much power for a time. But with time and practice (and lots of patience on Tiger’s part!), I learned to relax and enjoy the walk.

The skills and strategies I learned at the end of Tiger’s leash have also helped me in my relationship. Through the leash, I learned how to trust myself and another. I trained my mind to relax and my grip to loosen. I learned to enjoy the walk rather than fear what might lay around the next corner.

I learned that when I use too much restraint with Tiger, when I pull back out of fear, my reaction only transfers the negative energy to him and gives it power. Pulling back too tightly only causes him to want to pull against me. On the other hand, if I trust in him, he responds in kind, staying by my side instead of straining to get ahead. When I trust him, he acts trustworthy. The leash now acts as only a reminder of the bond, not as a restraint. Relationships are no different – try too hard to hold someone back and they will fight to be free. Trust them and allow them to choose to be by your side.

When I first started walking Tiger, I tried to avoid other dogs. I knew he was friendly, but I was not confident enough in myself to handle him (he does weigh almost as much as me!). As my confidence grew, I stopped giving passing dogs such a wide berth. Time and time again, Tiger proved himself as he either gave a friendly greeting or ignored the other canines, depending upon the situation and my intent. When I am wary, his body language reflects my distrust and warns the other dog away. Now, even when loose and aggressive dogs follow us, he (and I!) remain calm and confident. The partners in a marriage should not be afraid to encounter others either. If you treat everything as a threat, it will respond in kind.

As I have become more comfortable with Tiger, our world together has expanded and enriched. He would not be the dog he is, nor would we have the bond we do, if he remained locked in the security of the house. By exploring together, we have grown together. Relationships need room to breath, spaces to explore and adventures to look forward to. If they spend every day trapped inside, they will become as lazy as an old dog.

One of my favorite habits that Brock and I established early on was taking frequent walks together, often with Tiger sandwiched between us. Those walks formed the backbone of our relationship as we explored and bonded, talked and listened, building trust and finding connections. This is our time together to take pleasure in the fellowship and enjoy the walk.

I have Tiger to thank for my lessons in walking a dog. And now I am ready to apply them to walking a marriage:)

10 Life Lessons From the Dog Whisperer

Posted on June 21, 2012November 29, 2017 by stilllearning2b

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “The Dog Whisperer? That guy deals with…dogs. What on earth could he teach me about life?” Remember that yours truly has found life and relationship lessons in barefoot running shoes, the actions (or lack thereof) of an elderly cat, a campground, and a fencing strip. Oh, and I’m married to a guy who learns about life from the dojo. So, see, life lessons from Cesar Millan is suddenly not so strange now, is it? Besides, his methods have worked to make my 95-lb pit bull the world’s best dog!

1) Energy Transfer

Whenever Cesar meets with a new case, he watches the owner(s) interact with the dogs. He pays more attention to the behavior of the owner than that of the dog. His claim is that anxiety or a lack of confidence in the owner transfers to the dog. He frequently says, “I rehabilitate dogs, but I train people.” In our lives apart from dogs, we also transfer or energy. If you find that you experience stress interacting with someone, check your own energy. What are you responsible for transferring?

2) Don’t Grip the Leash Too Tightly

This is an extension of the lesson above. When you watch the owners walk their troubled dogs, they grip the leash too tightly and pull with all their might if their dogs lunges at another dog. This is transferring the anxiety to dog, but even more importantly, it is giving power to the anxiety. In order to control the dog, the owner has to learn to let go of the illusion of control and has to begin to trust their dog.

3) Prepare for Greetings

Cesar always prepares the dogs carefully before allowing them to enter a dog park or greet other dogs. He makes sure that they are calm and submissive so that they are well-received by the rest of the pack. It is worthwhile to check your own mental state before greeting someone. I know I can come in from a stressful day and take it out on my boyfriend instead of pausing and waiting until my own mind was calm. And, no, I’m not recommending that you start greeting people by sniffing their butts!

4) Work With Nature

According to Cesar, dogs process the world through their noses first, followed by their ears and eyes. Obviously, we tend to use those senses in reverse and we all too often expect that from out pets. Cesar advocated working with the nature of the animal so that you get the results you are looking for with the least amount of resistance. Look around you. Not everyone perceives the world the way you do. Do you expect them to conform to you, or do you allow them to use their nature?

5) Be Aware of the Precursors

On the show, Cesar will often correct a dog when I cannot see any misbehavior. Until the sequence is played in slow motion, that is. Then, you can see a slight tuck of the tail or a tip of the ear, a slight precursor to the attack that is about to occur. Cesar is so successful because he recognizes and responds to these early warning signs. I know in my own life, I am often too busy to notice those little signs, much less respond so quickly to them.

6) Move Forward

When dealing with anxious or aggressive dogs, especially ones that he is trying to form a pack with, Cesar frequently begins by taking them for a walk or a rollerblade ride (I think he has a death wish here!). His reasoning is that when the dogs are moving forward, it is impossible for them to focus on anything else. Now, I do think our brains are more monkey-minded than our canine friends, but we can still benefit from forward movement to calm ourselves. So, when you are angry, sad, or anxious, try going for a walk. Or a rollerblade ride if you’re more daring than I!

7) Calm and Assertive

Cesar always works to get the dogs in a calm and submissive state. The counterpoint to that in the owners is a calm and assertive state. He is very kinesthetic and models what this looks like: shoulders back, head relaxed, arms relaxed. It projects confidence and a calm mind. When I feel stressed, I find myself emulating the body language of Cesar to trick my mind into responding.

8) Trust Your Senses

Cesar relies heavily on intuition; he does not spend too much time in the “thinky place.” He trusts his instincts and, when he needs extra information, he trusts the instincts of his pack as they give him feedback on a new dog. We all too often discount intuition and try to over-analyze everything. Sometimes, it is better to trust your gut or the gut of a friend if yours is out of order.

9) See the Possible

About once a month, I see an episode with a dog that I think is hopeless. Cesar doesn’t give up. Some cases take longer and take more effort, but they can all improve. He brings the worst cases to his ranch, where they are surrounded by a healthy and stable pack. This is a good lesson in our own lives when troubles seem insurmountable. Improvement is always possible. Learn from Cesar, if you need more help, surround yourself with those who are healthy and balanced. Their energy will transfer. And, if that doesn’t work, maybe try chasing a tennis ball.

10) Redirect With Play

Need I say more?

Woof! This post is Tiger-approved.

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