As part of my calculated not-so-risky risk that I am undertaking, I have to complete a self-paced online course. I signed up for the class over two weeks ago but only just started it yesterday.
This is a change for me.
Normally, I refer to myself as a reverse procrastinator – I get it done in a short period of time under immense pressure, but I do it at the beginning of the timeframe rather than the end. Yeah, I was the weirdo kid who wanted to get her homework on Friday afternoon.
Adding to that, once I make a decision, I act upon it. Quickly. Very quickly.
So, combining those two traits along with my excitement about this new life trajectory, and I wanted to start the course as soon as I had signed up.
Which was at 7:30 pm on a Tuesday night, after a long day at work and less than two hours before I head to bed.
I could have started. There was nothing holding me back.
Except my understanding about how important it is to set the stage. A smooth beginning pays dividends throughout.
I started paying attention to this when I first started meditating. It was difficult for me to stay centered and avoid distractions. I soon learned that if I spent a few moments preparing the space by tidying up and perhaps lighting a candle or some incense, I was much more successful. The energy spent setting the stage was a transitional moment, a time for my monkey mind to receive the message at what was to come.
I found that the same idea carried forth into writing. Some days, I am consumed with words and they simply flow unencumbered. Other days, I have to be more strategic. Those are the times that I have to set the stage. I make sure that my glasses are off and my contacts in. I have coffee or tea or water close at hand. I ensure that disruptions will be minimal. In other words, I prime my mind for writing.
Setting the stage is important within relationships as well. John Gottman talks about the importance of avoiding harsh startups, finding a correlation between how a disagreement begins and how it will end. It’s not easy when you’re angry or frustrated to take the time to set the stage for a positive interaction. But those few moments of intention 9and holding your tongue) are perhaps as important (if not more so) than what actually needs to be said.
Setting the stage is a time for pause. It is a time to think about the outcome we want and how to limit the barriers to that end. It is a time of preparation for the real work and a time of transition for the mind. It’s a trade of between patience and consequence.
A well-set stage doesn’t guarantee a good show, but it certainly makes it more likely.
As for my internet course, I waited to start until yesterday morning when I was well-rested and could remove other distractions. I’m glad I did. I flew through 20% of it in just a couple hours with no stress and no pressure.
The stage has been set. A positive start to the course gives me a positive feeling about the whole endeavor.
In my former life, I viewed eating as a purely functional act. I was not concerned with the quality of food that entered my mouth, as long as it contained the proper macronutrients at the proper time. For almost ten years, my lunch consisted of a premixed protein shake because it was high in protein, low in calories, and could be sucked down in 15 minutes while I tutored struggling students in the school cafeteria. For ten years, I was content with that lunch.
Then something changed. I realized that not only did I not look forward to lunch, but that I had even begun to dread it. The shakes met my nourishment in the most basic sense, but that was all. At this point, I had already begun to visit my kitchen for more than a chat with the microwave, so I decided to restructure my lunches to incorporate what I was learning in the kitchen.
I had to start with the practical: my hours as a teacher are long and my lunch times are short. I needed to be able to find foods that could be cooked and prepped on Sunday and reheated quickly at school. I started by collecting recipes and cookbooks (about the only kind of book that didn’t fill the shelves in my old life). I found I enjoyed seeking out ideas and combinations, always seeking to maximize my veggie intake and ensure that I would get substantial protein and fiber with each meal. I learned that raw veggies have to be limited; there simply is not enough time to eat them all. Likewise, finger foods are a no-go in the germ laden land of a middle school. Even with those limitations, the options seemed endless.
An amazing metamorphosis occurs in my fridge every weekend. Mounds of greens and veggies are chopped and cooked into submission and divided into color-coded containers ready for the week ahead. The house fills with the aromas of a variety of spices, as the sounds of the food processor echo through the house. The island is the scene of assembly line style food preparation.
The consequences of the change in my lunch menu were astounding. My health improved; I no longer caught every cold that came through the school. My attitude improved, as I had a lunch I looked forward to (this is especially a motivator on Monday mornings). My afternoon workouts improved, now that I had enough fuel in my system to support the training. I became a de facto educator about plant-based diets as teachers and students began to inquire about my lunch.
But, most of all, I found nourishment. For my body. And for my soul.
I send the message to myself every weekend that I am worth the effort. That I matter. That feeding my needs is just as important as feeding the needs of those around me.
I kept the menu for this week simple; it is a short week and I don’t want to dedicate much of my time off to cook. I decided to make Hottie Black-Eyed Peas & Greens from Appetite for Reduction, one of my go-to cookbooks for healthy, easy, vegetarian meals. I always try to incorporate fruits and veggies of different colors in every meal, so I’m adding sweet potatoes mashed with almond milk and vanilla rice protein along with some blackberries, since they were on sale;)
Here’s the food ready to cook.
And here, after 45 minutes of preparation (barring the work the ol’ trusty slow cooker did overnight on the beans), is the final product.
I’m waiting to pack the blackberries until Wednesday morning, so that is why they are absent. Now, I can enjoy the rest of my time off knowing that I have healthy, nourishing food to get me through the week.
What is the difference between mental rehearsal of an event and creating expectations for the event?
Image via Wikipedia
There has been quite a bit of research and discourse in the last few years about the nature and benefits of mental rehearsal for athletes and others in positions that require a demanding and skilled physical performance. They are trained to visualized their body working efficiently, picture themselves executing each move perfectly, and feel their mind and body in perfect harmony.
These visualization techniques have since been applied to other areas, demonstrating that mental rehearsal can be a powerful tool for success. Cancer patients picture their T-cells squashing the invading cancer. Surgeons mentally rehearse each step of a complicated procedure countless times before even touching the scalpel. Public speakers view themselves giving their presentation, calm and confident.
For those undergoing a major life transition, visualization can help to calm anxiety and provide hope for the future. You can mentally rehearse for your time in court, visualize yourself becoming whole and happy, see yourself in a new relationship. All of this mental energy can help you on your path to healing.
In all cases, the most important aspect of visualization as a technique to improve performance or outcomes, is that is effectiveness depends upon one’s ability to be self-aware and monitor one’s responses to stimuli.
It is important to note, that in all of these examples, the strategy of mental rehearsal focuses on the individual’s performance, not the behaviors of those around him or her. That is the primary distinction between mental rehearsal and expectations; the former depends upon actions that are largely under your control, whereas the latter is subject to the behaviors of others not under your jurisdiction.
It is all too easy to spend our mental energies building expectations. This strategy will only lead to disappointment; however, as others can never live up to their fantasy counterparts. Many times, our happiest moments are those that caught us unaware, before any expectations had a chance to take root.
Choose where you want to spend your mental energy: building expectations that can be dashed by others or rehearsing you being the best you possible. I know where I try to focus my energies; in fact, I am seeing myself running an effortless ten miler this morning even though it’s frigid outside. Now, let’s see if that image holds once I get that first blast of wind!
I mentioned a while back that I signed up for my first (and most likely only!) marathon this fall. My official training began a few weeks ago, but I am just now at the place where I have to plan to run more frequently and/or longer than I normally would in my non-marathon days. Last week I ran my furthest distance to date – 16 miles. Those kind of distances give me a LOT of time to think (and compose new book ideas, as in the case of last week’s run 🙂 ). I have been realizing that there are similarities between training for a marathon (or any distance that pushes you) and the process of taking a romantic relationship from a more casual place to one that is more committed and long-term, something which I have experienced in the past 2 1/2 years.
Not a marathon.
Baby Steps
With running, it is recommended that you only increase your mileage by 10% each week (or each run if you’re just starting out). When I started running five years ago, I neglected this advice. I was already in good shape and so I thought I would run as far as I could in any given session. This worked fine for a few weeks, but then I was sidelined with overuse injuries (mainly plantar fasciitis) for months. It was too much, too soon, and my body did not have time to adapt. It felt great at the moment, but was detrimental in the long run. I now know to be more conservative and I monitor my weekly mileage carefully.
This same strategy applies to relationships. It is so easy to get carried away in those early, heady days of new love. You want it all and you want now. Frequently, it is too much, too soon and the emotional equivalent of overuse injuries occur when it becomes apparent that the relationship moved too quickly for adaptation to occur. When I first started dating again, I found that I moved too quickly. It resulted in flash and burn as the momentum overtook any real bond. With my current beau, we moved slowly, taking our time moving through casual dating to more serious, to commitment. We spent time at each stage, acclimating to each other and learning how to be at that place. It allowed us both to become comfortable before we made changes.
It can be so easy to let enthusiasm propel you to take on more than you are ready for. Baby steps allow you to move towards what you want in a deliberate fashion, allowing you to adapt in a natural way.
It’s a Mental Game
Until last week, the longest I had ever run was 15 miles. That was my barrier for almost 2 years. Obviously, if I can run 15 miles physically, I can also run 16 or more. It was a mental barrier. I decided to sneak up on my fear. I programmed my iPod for 12 miles, but allowed a small voice to convince me to try more if I felt okay. I reached the 6 mile mark and decided to push for 2 more miles before I turned around. This meant that I had to cover 16 miles just to get back to the car. I completed the run with no problems and, more importantly, broke through that fear that kept me limited.
Fear also holds us back in relationships. We are scared to commit to the long haul. Afraid to try in case we fail. We form mental barriers that hold us in. Sometimes, it is best to not think too much about is around the corner. Commit to the now and try to release the fear about what will be. If you’re in “mile 1” of a relationship, keep the finish line in mind but don’t worry yet about the hills in “mile 10.”
This is me elevating my tired calves after a 16 mile run.
The Little Things Grow
Living in the South, carrying water on longer runs is a necessity. I have a Nathan’s duel water belt that I have used successfully for the last couple years. Successfully, that it, until last week. It turns out that those two water bottles, which are perfectly fine for runs that are 12 miles and under, cause severe back pain and bruising on longer treks. When I gear up for a long run, I have to be very careful about seams that may rub or laces tied too tightly. Those little annoyances that are not critical in the short term become magnified as time progresses.
The little things in relationships also seem to grow as time moves on. The characteristics (both positive and negative) that you notice on the first few dates will only become more noticeable as the relationship progresses. Plan carefully at the outset and be mindful of the details to help avoid chafing down the road.
Preparation is Key
Sometimes, I neglect to prepare myself for a run. I might head out without enough pre-hydration. Maybe I haven’t visited my foam roller or I skipped my yoga class. At times, I forget to charge my iPod. When I fail to prepare for a run, I end up with a workout that is less than satisfactory. In contrast, when I think about the result I want and I make preparations for that outcome, I end up with a better experience and I accomplish or at least get close to my goals.
I also had to prepare to be in a relationship. After a sudden divorce, I had quite a bit of personal work to do before I could expect for a relationship to be successful. I needed to take time to work through my anger and sadness and I needed to address my underlying fears and anxieties. Think about what you want in a relationship and then look at what you need to do yourself to prepare for that reality.
Required Fuel
One of the trickiest aspects of running longer distances is learning to manage your fuel needs. There are hundreds of products and thousands of recommendations on how and when to eat on a run. Ultimately, all that matters is what works for your body. Regardless of the product and timing, most people have to refuel on a regular basis throughout a run or they simply cannot go any further.
In a relationship, fuel is obviously not Gu and Gatorade, but is the way that the relationship is fed and invigorated. This can be through touch, kind words, notes, rituals, etc. Just like with running, fuel will be different for each person. As Dr. Chapman highlighted in The 5 Love Languages, it is important to find out what fuel meets your partner’s needs. It is necessary to keep the relationship fueled if it is to continue for the long run.
Marathons and relationships take work. They don’t just happen. You have to want it and make choices that will support your dream.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 