Sweat and Tears

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Tears for Norway .....

The tears were close to the surface this morning.

Tears of frustration born from his decisions nickel and diming away my future.

Tears of anger at myself for falling for his swindle.

Tears of shame at how I am perceived as I act as the face of his mess

While he continues to run away.

I welcomed the hot breathe of the yoga studio today,

Seeking purification and strength within its walls.

I set my intention, looking for acceptance.

I was told to “let it go,”

But I held on for dear life.

As I pressed into my first down dog,the hot tears formed furrows

In the beads of sweat rolling down my face.

I struggled to keep my breath as the sobs stole the rhythm from my vinyasa,

The body trying to share its wisdom with the mind.

“Feel deeper,” echoed the instructor’s voice as we were bent over in a forward fold,

The tap-tap-tap of sweat hitting the floor telling the tales of the heat.

“You will not be given more than you can bear.”

My hips felt like they were being wrenched apart,

Following in the footsteps of my heart.

“Let it go.”

I breathed into the pain, trying to soften.

“Don’t let the difficulty opening the hips translate to tension in the neck;”

“Don’t let something that is challenging destroy something which is working beautifully.”

Folding into child’s pose, I took a moment and let that soak in.

My current struggle is temporary, my gratitude is not.

“Let it go”

I walked out of the studio, the pouring summer rains,

Washing the sweat and tears from my enlightened body.

Ready to sever the final ugly tie to the past,

Trusting that the price will not be too much to bear.

I am ready

to let it go.

;

;

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In Honor of National Running Day: Why I Run

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I run not to get away,  but to get through.

I run not to become out of breath, but to gain breath.

I run to be social and I run for solitude.

I run to connect and I run to disconnect.

I run not to avoid work, but to inspire work.

I run to feel empowered and I run to remind myself that I am still weak.

I run to meditate and I run to ruminate.

I run not to lose weight, but to gain balance.

I run because it is what I do.

Because I run, I can be who I am.

And that is why I run.

Heal. Healing. Healed?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Healing of the Wrathful Son

I’m not sure “healed” should be a word.

Heal?  Yes.  Healing?  Absolutely.  But, healed?  Past tense.  As in done.  Finished.  Over.  Completed.  Shut the door and turn the key.

I’m not so sure.

Some days I think I’m there, the wound healed over with no hint of a scar.  But that’s just wishful thinking.  A fallacy reveled when the wound opens from the slightest unintentionally targeted remark or interaction, triggering the pain and uncertainty associated with the initial cut.  At least now I have practice.  Practice feeling the pain and the fear.  Recognizing its roots.  Knowing what part of it is real and what is simply echoes of the past, ghosts that can cause no real harm.  I have practice accepting the pain and practice letting it go.  I speak its language.

It is said that practice makes perfect.  Will perfect be when I am healed?  Or will I achieve perfection in the cycle of feeling, accepting, and releasing?  Most likely, perfection will remain elusive and I will have to settle for better:)

Maybe I will be healed when I accept that I will always be healing.

ROI

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Return on Investment analysis graph

The world of business is always concerned about the return on investment, the bottom line.  But, how often do we apply those same principles to our personal lives?

Your Thoughts

Do you place your capital in thoughts that serve you or into thoughts that bring down your bottom line?

Your Actions

Do you choose to engage in actions that help you to grow and evolve or actions that hold you in place?

Your Health

Do the foods you eat and the movement you engage in support your body or do they cause it harm?

Your Relationships

Do you spend time with people who add to your net worth or are they red item deductions?

Take some time to be conscious about your personal investment portfolio and make the needed changes to improve the ROI on your own life.

Anger Deflation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My biggest stumbling block was (and at times, continues to be) anger.  I could not get past the deliberate nature of what he had done.  Holding me, telling me how much he loved me and would miss me while his bride’s ring sat in his car, ready to be placed on her finger within the week.  The years of lies and manipulations that covered the hemorrhaging accounts.  And, worst of all, he went on the attack with the divorce, blaming me for everything.  How could I not be angry? Livid?

I spent much of the last two and half years wrestling with the “how.”  How could he do this?  How could he seek to destroy the one he claimed to love (and seemed to show love to up until the last text)?  How could he kiss me, be intimate with me, knowing that he was orchestrating this symphony of destruction?  Try as I might, I just couldn’t make those actions, those lies,  match the man I knew.

So, I thought of him as a boy.

I thought about what would cause a child to lie.  Children generally lie out of fear.  They want to please, and when they now they have disappointed, they seek to hide their actions by spinning tales.  Looking over the last few years of my marriage, I saw a path (relating to a failed business attempt) that could have led him down the path of telling lies to hide his shortcomings, to protect me from the truth.  As with a child, if these lies are not caught, they eventually become habit.

I thought about what would cause a child to lash out against loved ones.  Children often lash out when they feel trapped and threatened.  When  he lashed out, he had been caught.  The carefully crafted facade that he wanted the world to see had been stripped away, his deceptions, his failures bared for the world to see.  He saw me as threatening his core, his very self, so he lashed out in a desperate  attempt to shield.

I may be wrong in these motivations. Perhaps he is simply a sociopath,  immune to other’s  pain.  Maybe he is evil, enjoying the suffering of others.  But that doesn’t fit the man I knew, and so it does not bring me peace.  However, by looking at his actions as I would a child’s, I have found that I see him as scared, unsure, and lost.  That helps  to deflate some of the anger, releasing the pressure and allowing me to move forward.