There’s No Shame in Asking for Help

Posted on by stilllearning2b

"A Helping Hand". 1881 painting by E...

I have always been very independent.  As a very young (and short) child, I would use household objects as tool in order to reach the light switches so that I would not have to depend upon anyone else.  Overall, I believe that this trait has served me well.  Until I got divorced, that is.  Those first few weeks were hell on my body.  I could not eat, causing my already slim frame to waste away to nothing.  My ribs stood out in relief along my back.  My body was racked with tremors, the anxiety too much for mere flesh and bones to contain.  I did not sleep; my body refused to rest.

Those around me encouraged me to try medication.  I resisted.  I was determined to do this alone, without the aid of a pharmacy.  Eventually, my body made the decision for me as days moved into weeks and I saw no improvement.  I ended up with some substantial medication to help me eat and sleep (300 mg Trazadone, if you’re keeping count…and I could still push through that on many nights).  I found peace with my decision to accept pharmaceutical assistance.  Those pills allowed my body to function for the first 8 months.  I let them go when I was able to go solo again.

There is no shame is asking for help.  We accept the fact that those at the at the end of life and those at the beginning of life require assistance, yet we somehow believe that adults should be able to be independent.  Divorce is the death of one life and the infancy of another.  You will need help.

Here are three sources of help you may find you need:

1) Therapy

Depending upon your situation, your prior coping skills, and your support system, you may be in need of therapy.  That is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you are crazy.  You are going through one of the most stressful events that one can endure and you may not be prepared to handle it on your own.  A therapist can be your guide down the road to healing.  Don’t be afraid to try different approaches and different people until you find what works for you.

2) Medication

I had to face the difficult lesson that sometimes you can’t fix your body through sheer will.  Medication may need to be investigated if you are unable to sleep or eat for a significant period or if sadness or anxiety are completely overwhelming.  I know I was afraid of triggering dependency, as I felt that I was in a very vulnerable place.  I discussed this with my doctor and so medications were chosen that were not considered high risk for abuse.

3) Time

Divorce is exhausting.  Adding to that, you have to adapt to your new responsibilities, navigate the court system, and somehow find time to process the whole mess.  This is a time when taking some leave from work is acceptable; your self-work needs to take priority for a while.  If you are parent, ask someone to watch the kids so that you can have some time alone.

It is far better to temporarily suffer the embarrassment and discomfort of asking for help than to permanently suffer in silence.  Ask for a hand, and let it guide you through.

Dulling the Knife’s Edge

Posted on by stilllearning2b

knives serious

When I first felt the raw, unwashed trauma of my divorce, I would direct anger and indignation towards anyone who blithely told me that time heals all wounds.  How foolish they must be, I thought.  They must have never been through any challenges.  How could the mere rotation of a clock hand soften the shock and pain of being utterly betrayed from the inside out?  I scoffed at the notion.

Luckily for me, time continued on, ignorant of my harsh view of it.

The changes were so subtle at first, I did not notice them.  The improvement from one hour to the next too small to be measured.  But it was there nonetheless.

A clock made in Revolutionary France, showing ...
A clock made in Revolutionary France, showing the 10-hour metric clock. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As time continued its relentless linear path, my pain followed suit in an inverse relationship, although in a much more randomized pattern.  I became accustomed to the things causing my discomfort, and so I was not as aware of them.  The pain, once so alien, became familiar and no longer needed attention.  Anniversaries came and went and I survived. I layered memories, replacing painful ones with fresher happier ones. The hardest times occurred with diminishing frequency  and lessening intensity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still dismiss the notion that time will heal all wounds; time is no surgeon, ready to excise the malignant past.  However, time does dull the knife’s edge of past traumas, lessening their ability to cause that searing pain, that sharp intake of breath when the blade pierces your heart.  The pain becomes duller, more distant, more manageable.  It’s as though its initial razor edge is dulled by time dragging it through the rocks lining the river of life, new experiences whittling away the once-sharp edge.

River Rocks and Clouds Reflected

While waiting for the blade of your trauma to dull, carry lots of bandages and always be wary of the edge.

Just Breathe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We have a habit (and, yes, that “we” certainly includes “me”!) of making things more complicated than they actually are.  Check in with your body; is it tight, constricted?  Breathe.  Visit your mind.   Do you feel anger, frustration, fear? Breathe.  Are your thoughts on a trip to the past or perhaps the future?  Breathe and bring them home.  It doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy to work.  Close your eyes, fill your lungs, feeling the chest rise into each nook and cranny.  Let the breath out, feeling your lungs empty completely.  And just breathe.

» Breathe. :zenhabits.

Just breathe

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Taming the Monkey Mind: Graduation Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This all started with a 28 day meditation challenge.  It has actually been 32 days since I began; I added a few days to make up for the two that I missed during my camping trip.

So, I guess the first question should be if I consider my monkey mind trained after a month of formal education?  I’m not sure if I can claim a fully tamed monkey, but it certainly more well-behaved.  During meditation, my mind still tries to escape to planning mode every few breaths, but I find that I am able to bring it back much easier and almost without thought.  It no longer protests being brought back to breath.  In daily life, my mind is much calmer, less prone to anxiety, and much more aware and present in the moment.  That’s not to say that there aren’t moments where my monkey mind is running about its cage, shrieking and throwing things at the passers by, but luckily for all us, those moments have reduced in frequency.

Just because my monkey-mind has graduated from this program, he is not done with his education.  In fact, this was simply a starting point.  I am going to continue on this journey, me and my monkey mind, with a zen mind, a beginner’s mind.  I have found that I have more curiosity towards the practice of meditation than before.  It draws me now.  I have gone from letting it slip away from me to making it a part of me. I plan (uh oh, there’s that word) to continue daily practice and to experiment with different techniques.  I want to read more on the subject to gain new perspectives and to help put words to what I have already found.  Shhh…please don’t tell my monkey mind that he doesn’t get a summer break; he might get a bit upset.

It’s time to enroll in continuing education.  And the best part?  No student loans required for this course!

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Taming the Monkey Mind: Shaving the Monkey

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No, not literally!  What do you take me for?  Some kind of simian-obsessed stylist?  But seriously, if you do decide to remove a little extra fur from a particularly hirsute monkey, I recommend you use a razor as opposed to a depilatory cream.  Monkeys tend to fling things and Nair in the eye would probably sting.

In my case, “shaving the monkey” is alluding to the fact that meditation has helped me to clear away all of the excess “noise” from my mind.  It is clearing away the fuzz, allowing me to really see what is underneath.  It’s a bit like the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid); I don’t get as distracted by all of the fluff.

Today was a great test of this newly shaved monkey.  Today was a Major Monday (caps and alliteration required).  I walked back into the classroom after spring break to find info-packed emails from administration, new schedules that required last minute lesson shuffling, panicked and angry emails from parents, and kids who have apparently forgotten everything just two days before state testing begins.  Normally, all of this would have sent me into panic mode trying to meet everyone’s needs at once (while neglecting my own, of course).  Instead, I was able to take a few deep breaths and recognize how much of the stuff was just excess monkey fur.  I picked up my imaginary razor, shaved the extraneous pelt, and was left with a manageable amount to tackle.

I don’t always remember to shave the monkey at the beginning.  In fact, just yesterday, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed.  I was doing the laundry from the camping trip and cooking my lunches for the week (which meant I was managing 1 dish in the oven and 2 on the stovetop), the cat threw up, and my boyfriend wanted me to come in to look at the curtains he had just put up.  It all became too much.  Frazzled, I tore around the kitchen like a dervish, sprinkling pumpkin seeds on the roasting cauliflower, stirring the greens, and prepping the Tupperware.  Suddenly, I stopped.  What was I doing?  This wasn’t an ER; the sweet potatoes would not suffer a cardiac arrest if they sat in their boiling bath a minute too long.  I took a few deep breaths, relaxed, and realized how doable my tasks really were.

I am frequently guilty of making things harder than they really are.  When I was finishing up my workout today (the ultimate in shaved-monkey simplicity: squats, deadlifts, straight legged deadlifts), I saw a lady doing assisted pull-ups.  While wearing a weighted vest.  I chuckled to myself, thinking, “How silly!”  But then, I realized, I often do the same in other areas; I make something harder than it needs to be and then I require assistance of some sort.  Why not just strip it down to the basics to begin with?

I am going to try to keep up with shaving my monkey mind, keeping it clear of all the clutter.  I might even get a bit fancy and style it with a mohawk:)

 

 

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