expectations

From the Fugue

Posted on April 2, 2013 by stilllearning2b

I’m just now rejoining the land of the living. I was among the zombies for the past couple days. No, not in a fun way like when Brock and I were extras in a movie about the walking dead, but in a ‘my body has been taken over by pathogens’ kind of way. Not so fun. Especially because it’s my spring break. I’m trying to resist the urge to pout and stomp my feet. It helps that pouting and stomping requires more energy than I currently possess.

We usually try to go camping each spring break, but Brock’s work schedule did not allow for this year (again, not pouting or stomping). I realized a few years ago that it is very important for me to get out of town for a least a couple days each spring break. If I don’t, I find myself getting grumpy upon hearing the stories of lavish vacations when school resumes. I don’t need the long or elaborate trips (okay, want maybe, but not need), just a short jaunt to a new location with a new (or no) routine.

This year, I decided to go to Asheville and stay at Peaceful Quest Retreats, which is owned by a fellow blogger:) It was a great decision. I love Asheville and I haven’t been in many years (with my ex). I enjoyed puttering around the shops, watching the crowds, eating an awesome veggie bowl at Laughing Seed Cafe and touring the art museum.

basketballs as grapes? love you, Asheville:)

I forgot about my increasing headache as soon as I pulled into the parking spot at Peaceful Quest Retreats. The name is apt; the setting is absolutely magical. And the company that evening was too:) It was a great night and I was looking forward to more.

don't you just want to sit in those chairs? — don’t you just want to sit in those chairs?

Unfortunately, my resident pathogens had other plans. I awoke the next morning with a sore throat and body aches. I pretended they didn’t didn’t exist long enough to tour the property and visit the arboretum. The latter was one of the nicest I have ever seen and I really want to see both in the summer when all of the trees have leafed out.

I think he's asking for the leaves to appear! — I think he’s asking for the leaves to appear!

I then made the difficult decision to cut my visit short so that I could drive before my fever took full hold and so that I could get to the doctor first thing Monday morning. Sigh. Stupid bacteria.

But I’m not pouting or stomping.

I had a great (although waaay too short) trip. I met new friends and saw new sights. I slept for 18 hours and saw some very bad TV which reminded me why I prefer books. The antibiotics are working and I am slowly winning the war against the invading hordes. I took advantage of my low energy today to tackle my tedious to-do list for spring break (including finally updating my blog’s look!). I hope that there is an overlap of good weather and wellness over the next few days so that I can get outside and enjoy the hikes and the gardens that I adore. But, even if that is not to be, I’m not pouting or stomping because I still have these precious days to slow down and take a breath. And that’s worth a smile.

Mental Rehearsal vs. Expectations

Posted on February 19, 2013 by stilllearning2b

What is the difference between mental rehearsal of an event and creating expectations for the event?

There has been quite a bit of research and discourse in the last few years about the nature and benefits of mental rehearsal for athletes and others in positions that require a demanding and skilled physical performance. They are trained to visualized their body working efficiently, picture themselves executing each move perfectly, and feel their mind and body in perfect harmony.

These visualization techniques have since been applied to other areas, demonstrating that mental rehearsal can be a powerful tool for success. Cancer patients picture their T-cells squashing the invading cancer. Surgeons mentally rehearse each step of a complicated procedure countless times before even touching the scalpel. Public speakers view themselves giving their presentation, calm and confident.

For those undergoing a major life transition, visualization can help to calm anxiety and provide hope for the future. You can mentally rehearse for your time in court, visualize yourself becoming whole and happy, see yourself in a new relationship. All of this mental energy can help you on your path to healing.

In all cases, the most important aspect of visualization as a technique to improve performance or outcomes, is that is effectiveness depends upon one’s ability to be self-aware and monitor one’s responses to stimuli.

It is important to note, that in all of these examples, the strategy of mental rehearsal focuses on the individual’s performance, not the behaviors of those around him or her. That is the primary distinction between mental rehearsal and expectations; the former depends upon actions that are largely under your control, whereas the latter is subject to the behaviors of others not under your jurisdiction.

It is all too easy to spend our mental energies building expectations. This strategy will only lead to disappointment; however, as others can never live up to their fantasy counterparts. Many times, our happiest moments are those that caught us unaware, before any expectations had a chance to take root.

Choose where you want to spend your mental energy: building expectations that can be dashed by others or rehearsing you being the best you possible. I know where I try to focus my energies; in fact, I am seeing myself running an effortless ten miler this morning even though it’s frigid outside. Now, let’s see if that image holds once I get that first blast of wind!

Through a Child’s Eyes

Posted on February 13, 2013 by stilllearning2b

Through a child’s eyes.

What do we mean when we use this phrase? These words that try to capture the wonderment and excitement in the youth as they experience something new? What is it that makes it childlike and how can we capture that feeling even when our eyes are framed in crow’s feet?

Children have limited experience. They rarely encounter something expecting to have seen it before. They are less apt to compare the present to some remembered past because their mental files are sparse and not yet well organized.

They take each day as an adventure with limitless possibilities. They refused to be restrained by such concepts as impossibilities, rather they remain open to any outcome, no matter how implausible.

They are less apt to judge, to censor an occurrence with thoughts of “should” or “must.” They accept the present at face value.

Children are notoriously bad at planning. When they are engaged in an activity, they tend to be focused on that moment alone, even if only for the briefest of times. They are not doing one thing while mentally rehearsing for the next.

Just because our childhoods are behind us does mean we cannot still see with childlike eyes. Approach with an open mind, be open to the possibilities, avoid judgement and be in the moment.

And, please, for the sake of all of us, leave the temper tantrums and terrible twos in the past:)

A Cynic’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 9, 2013December 15, 2018 by stilllearning2b

So you thought you were safe? You survived the holiday season and you were beginning to settle back into normalcy. And then. Wham! Back with the sappy commercials. Out come the gaudy decorations. The messages of material happiness are yet again bombarding our senses from every direction.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I don’t think there’s any holiday that is viewed with as much dread as Valentine’s Day. For the single, it is an acute awareness of their uncoupled state. For the partnered, it is a day fraught with expectations that are unattainable. And for those in undefined relationships, it is a holiday filled with questions and a delicate dance of protocol.

So who is this holiday even for anyway? According to the media, men end up spending money on diamonds or chocolates (or PajamaGrams) that represent their love. They then surprise their mate with their gift. Upon receiving the gift, the women swoon over their partner, their adoring eyes gazing up at their man. The subtext is obvious. Men – if you don’t give your partner something, she will be upset. Women – if you receive nothing, you are unloved.

Or at least that’s the way the commercials explain it. The expectations for perfection and romance have been elevated to laughable levels.

Unless you’re a millionaire Calvin Klein model who has the ability and inclination to whisk your girlfriend off to Paris where you can propose at the base of the Eiffel tower, you’ll fall short. Women are primed to believe that their man does not love them if they do not receive some tangible proof on a predetermined day on the calender. This notion is absurd.

When your coworker receives some elaborate bouquet, do not assume it is because her husband is a contender for a starring role in a romantic comedy. Perhaps the roses are a mea culpa for a major screw up. Or maybe he is some narcissistic jerk who wants others to fawn over his generosity.The truth is that a single gift, no matter how elaborate or romantic, is not a sign of love.

Love should be ongoing and omnipresent. It is the tiny crinkle in the corner of his eye when he sees you. It’s the comforting presence of a hand of your back when you’re feeling unsure. It’s the encouraging word, the passionate kiss and the understanding nod. It’s the embrace that eases all tension. Love cannot be bought and sold. It does not exist in a single day. It doesn’t need sparkle or a candy coated shell to dress it up.

I remember in elementary school, we would all exchange cards until we had a hand made envelope bulging with terms of endearment. We would eat candy and take a break from school work to laugh and talk and play. It didn’t matter if you were male or female. Single or had recently wed with a foil ring under the swings. Those were some of my favorite Valentine’s Days. No high expectations, just a day to celebrate togetherness and laughter. A time to share notes about what we loved and appreciated in others. And that’s a Valentine’s Day that can make even a cynic smile.

Here are my non-cynical Valentine wishes for you:

Let go of expectations. Enjoy the moments in the day. Celebrate your beauty and worth. Kiss a dog. Or cat. Or baby. Treat yourself to a breathe of fresh air. Pamper yourself. Perform an act of kindness for another. Laugh. Make a gratitude list. And, if all else fails, remember that the next day is the 15th.

Can You Pin Happiness?

Posted on November 11, 2012May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

I joined Pinterest a few months ago to see what all of the fuss was about and to share my quotes and book information. I spent a few hours over the next week exploring various topic streams and signing up to follow boards that I found interesting (fitness, vegetarian, inspirational quotes). I love Pinterest for inspiration and ideas (those pumpkin recipes floating around last month made me want to take a week off work to spend in the kitchen!). Despite the positive impact that pinning can have as a virtual muse and design board, I also see a dark side casting shadows on the perfect pictures.

Many pins have the effect of ramping up expectations, often to levels that are impossible without a trust fund, a gaggle of helpers, or rib-removal surgery. It’s so easy to get caught up in the beautiful pictures, one after another, and to let your mind fantasize. The images cement our daydreams, providing a goal that may be inspirational or may be utterly unattainable. There is a fine line between reading a quote layered over a fitness model and feeling encouraged to work out and feeling frustrated that no number of hours in the gym will be able to give you that physique.

Nowhere does this setting of expectations get more out of hand than on the wedding boards. These are some of the most popular pins, making the rounds among women of all age: married, single and in-between. There are photos of elaborate dresses with price tags to match. Pictures of cakes with carefully crafted fondant. Images of budget-friendly decoration ideas. But they all have one thing in common. They’re perfect.

I get it. It’s much easier to focus on a single day than the parade of days that create a marriage. We can try to convince ourselves that a picture perfect wedding will somehow trickle down into the years of the marriage. Sadly, the proper shade of aubergine (what color is that, anyway!?!) for the bridesmaid’s dresses will not mitigate that recurring argument about the dishes. I wonder what a real life marriage board would look like? Probably not so perfect 🙂

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de)

I fear that too much time spent perusing perfect pictures will move a person away from happiness as the gap between their expectations and reality grows ever wider. Be a discerning consumer of media of all types. Filter what you are exposed to and limit yourself to images that inspire you and lift you up. Watch yourself and be prepared to go on a media diet if you find that you are becoming too engrossed in the pursuit of perfection. And for goodness sake, please get off the wedding boards:)

Pin it then live it. Don’t let your dreams only exist in the digital world.

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