Understanding Financial Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial abuse

When I first realized that I had been a victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband, my first reaction was fear. How in the world would I be able to survive, much less rebuild, with the accounts bled dry and the debt growing by the day?

That was followed by anger. How dare he lie to me about our finances for years, pretending to have our best interests at heart while he simultaneously stole my hard-earned money from behind my trusting back? And why was I responsible for cleaning up the mess he made?

But the emotion that persisted throughout? That would be shame.

I berated myself for being stupid, for trusting too much and verifying too little. I felt ashamed at having to consider bankruptcy and embarrassed when I had to ask for financial help from others. I blamed myself for my situation. It was only later that I realized that it was abuse. 

Financial abuse is real. Yet it’s rarely discussed or understood, leaving people vulnerable to its impact and furthering the harm that the victims of this type of abuse face when they try to speak out. As with any abuse, understanding is power.

 

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What is financial abuse?

Any abuse is ultimately about control and manipulation. Financial abuse is no different, only it uses money as a tool to exploit and exert power.

Financial abuse can be overt or covert. Overt financial abuse often occurs alongside physical and/or emotional abuse. In this situation, access to money is knowingly restricted in an attempt to limit the victim’s options. The abuser may limit the other’s ability to earn money or may insist that they control all of the finances.

In covert abuse, the financial manipulations are done in secret. This can take the form of hidden assets that are intentionally withheld from the partner or can appear as concealed debts that are accumulated without the other’s knowledge. The abuser may use marital status to access shared accounts or may take out lines of credit in their spouse’s name. Covert financial abuse is a type of betrayal; lying and hiding become the norm as the person carefully covers their tracks.

As with other types of abuse, the abuser may use gaslighting and projection in an attempt to shift the focus off of themselves. They claim that their spouse is an extravagant spender or they may pretend that they have had a new purchase for a long time. In some cases (raising my hand here), the abuser may even go so far as to create false documentation to match their claims about money.

What does the law say about financial abuse?

When I first discovered that I was the victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband one day after he left me via text, I assumed that the courts would protect me. After all, taking money from somebody without their consent is fraud, right?

Wrong.

At least in the eyes of the law when you’re married. I learned the hard way that I was the one responsible for all of the debt that he incurred in my name. It didn’t matter that he lied. Nobody seemed concerned that he forged my name for the benefit of others and documents to cover his tracks with me. Because we were married, his financial actions were yoked to my consequences.

From some people I received sympathy. But I never found justice, with one notable exception – the IRS. Without my knowledge, my husband had made changes to our tax returns prior to filing, falsely claiming medical and charitable deductions. Days after he left, I received certified letters from the IRS demanding over $6,000. I used money from a family member to settle the debt and assumed that it was simply another financial hit that I would have to absorb.

And then I learned about Innocent Spouse Relief, a special IRS program designed specifically for the victims of domestic financial abuse that includes tax deception. That letter marking me “innocent” was perhaps even more important than the subsequent checks reimbursing me for his fraud. It felt so good to be believed and absolved of at least some of the consequences.

How does financial abuse affect you?

Financial abuse does not end when the relationship does. In a very real sense, it may take years to rebuild financial security and to shore up a flagging credit score. More subtle, but no less difficult, is the accompanying emotional abuse that stays with you in the form of internalized beliefs and negative self-talk.

Money is about so much more than money.

We equate credit scores with trustworthiness and financial status with social worth. Add to that the embarrassment that comes from being conned and the sense of betrayal stemming from the lies, and financial abuse leads to some pretty difficult emotions.

Interactions with others often feed into the shame and negativity. There was the bankruptcy counselor that chided me for buying healthy food, even after I told her that my husband ran up the debt in my name and kale was certainly not the reason behind the $40,000 in credit card debt that I had been “gifted.” Then there was the rental specialist at the apartment complex that had the power to approve or deny my lease application. When a check revealed unpaid utility bills (another surprise parting gift), he thought it appropriate to lecture me. Again, this was after he knew about my situation. The truth is that most people don’t understand financial abuse and so they have a tendency to blame the victim.

Even ten years out, I still struggle with my relationship to money. I feel guilty when I spend it (even though it’s now within my means), hearing my ex husband’s voice claiming that I am irresponsible. There is an insecurity that I now possess around money; I need a certain amount available to calm my sense of panic.

Financial abuse is complex. It impacts both your bank account and your brain and both require time and sustained effort to recover.

How can you recover from financial abuse?

When it comes to recovery from financial abuse, time is your biggest ally. Your first priority has to be your financial health. Start by taking a critical look at your situation. If this is too much right now (as it was for me in the beginning), ask for help from a trusted friend or family member. Set your priorities – What do you need to pay right now? What alerts can you put on your accounts to protect you from further fraud? What companies do you need to contact to arrange a payment plan? What bills can be ignored for now?

I know it’s hard to face this when it should not be your mess to clean up. Yet facing it is the only way to remove it from your life. One trick I used in the five years it took for me to pay off his parting debts was to jot down a little note of gratitude every time I paid a bill.

I decided to view these debts he left me with as a down payment on a better life. It was then up to me to ensure that it was money well spent.

For me, the emotional recovery trailed behind the financial recuperation. As long as I was still making payments, I found it difficult to shed the shame and the anger. Once the debts were settled and the savings began to build again, I found that I was able to find some peace with the past. I made mistakes that put me in the position where I could be financially controlled. I can’t go back and change those, but I can certainly learn from them going forward.

How can you protect yourself from financial abuse?

Limit the damage that someone can cause. Have some money that only you have access to and maintain some credit only in your name.  Use a credit monitoring service or download a credit app on your phone and check it weekly to make sure there aren’t any unauthorized accounts in your name. Check periodically to ensure that you still have access to any joint accounts and that passwords have not been changed.

Pay attention to any discrepancies between lifestyle and income. Ask questions and don’t be too quick to believe answers that don’t read as truth. Check for evidence that money is going where it is supposed to and that it is not being funneled a different direction.

Be aware of attempts at gaslighting, where your spouse denies reality, perhaps claiming that money wasn’t spent when the evidence points to the contrary. Also, look for situations where you’re falsely accused of spending too much. This may be an indication that your partner is the one burning through funds.

If you have a tendency to be avoidant about financial stressors, be extra cautious. Your difficulty confronting money challenges makes it easier for someone to manipulate you. Work on resolving your own relationship with money so that you’re more comfortable discussing it.

And finally, if you see something, say something. I know it’s scary to face the truth. But once you know what you’re dealing with, you can take action to deal with it.

I Was Married to a Con Man

Posted on by stilllearning2b
con

I thought he loved me. It turned out that he was more con man than confidant. 

If my husband had been Pinocchio, his nose would have been a giant redwood. While we were married, I thought he was a real boy. Once he disappeared, I learned otherwise.

My husband and I used to watch “Lost” and shake our heads in disbelief at Sawyer’s deceptions. We laughed at “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” when the con artists were conned themselves. We were shocked at the audacity of Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in “Catch Me if You Can“, and we were disturbed when we discovered the movie was based on a true story. While I thought he shared my disdain for the trickery and fraud in these tales, it seems as though he had been taking notes. Overnight, I went from an ordinary life to one that felt more like a movie.

 

My husband was a brilliant and talented man whose skills included creating and maintaining a separate existence. He had two cameras. Two bicycles. Two wallets. Two wives. Two distinct lives. When the financial mess he created in his life with me became too great to keep hidden, he broke up with me via text and vanished. That was when I learned that my husband was anything but a real boy — he was a con man.

 

My life was a virtual reality — my home a movie set consisting of false fronts.

 

He was an expert lie crafter; he always knew the exact proportion of truth to weave into the falsehoods to make a story believable. He always had an answer; he never hesitated. His office must have been like a busy air traffic control tower as he directed emails, texts, and phone calls to support his various tales. The extent of his deceptions was made clear when I sat with an auto insurance card in my hand — my name had been digitally removed — while I pulled up the file from the insurance company and verified that both names were present on the actual document. He thought he could erase me as easily as he could my name using Photoshop.

 

While my husband was in jail after being arrested for felony bigamy, I talked with his other wife, who was as stunned by the situation as I was. No woman should ever have to have a conversation about “our husband,” even if it is a cordial and informative discussion. I learned that when he was pulled in for questioning, his lies became increasingly absurd as he struggled to maintain his façade. My favorite? He claimed that he and I had divorced years earlier and I had since married a chiropractor named Mark Mercer. Mark, if you’re out there, I’m sorry that I have no recollection of our marriage and that I have never recognized our fictitious anniversaries.

 

One of the saddest aspects of the situation is that he was conning himself just as much as he was fooling those around him.

 

In trying to pull the wool over others’ eyes, he inadvertently knitted himself a mask with no eyeholes. He told so many lies for so long, he began to believe his own fabrications (he even admitted as much in a text to my mother). It became impossible for him to tell where the lies ended and the authenticity began. In trying to keep everyone else in the dark, he lost himself. The real boy was replaced with a hollow man.

 

I came out of the marriage confused, unsure of what was real and what was fabrication. I was embarrassed. How could I have been such a fool? My anger was explosive as I came to the realization that I had been literally sleeping with the enemy. The crime was intensified by the fact that it was carried out by the man who had sworn to love and protect me. Yet, eventually, I began to feel compassion for him, as I saw through the lies to the pain that must have born them.

 

I have come to the realization that the life I knew was real to me, and that has to be enough. I will never know what prompted his moral malignancies nor will I ever find certainty in truth.

I was conned, but that is not the end of my story. I am now exploring the world un-shaded by his lies.

Understanding Triggers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Want more ideas and support on dealing with triggers?

 

Facing Avoidance

We avoid because we do not want to suffer. Yet suffering then becomes the background noise of our lives.

 

Learning to Trust Again: How to Deal With the Triggers

There are times when the triggers are activated because of a legitimate and present concern. At those times, it’s important to listen to your gut and pay attention to its warnings. And there are other times when the alarms were pulled too soon, acting more from perceived danger than from a true emergency.

 

Trigger Points

As a survivor of a traumatic divorce, I am also very familiar with emotional trigger points – painful memories and associated responses caused by repeated or acute trauma. They are areas of hyperirritability where the response far outweighs the preceding factors. They cause intense pain at the time of their trigger and can cause referred pains in seemingly unrelated areas.

I Am…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I Am…

Before you read any further, please pause for just a moment and allow your mind to complete that thought. Make a note of the word that rises to the surface.

_________________________________________

 

In a recent yoga class, the instructor asked for us to silently completely the sentence, “I am…”

The first word to come to my mind was,

 

I Am Capable

 

Quickly followed by the more critical thought, “Great, so I’m the Toyota Camry of people – dependable, responsible and dull.” And then I remembered that the Camry has been on the most-stolen lists for many years. So apparently there’s at least something desirable about them:)

As the class progressed, people were asked to share their words:

 

I Am Strong

I Am Present

I Am Beautiful

I Am a Child of God

I Am a Mother

I Am Powerful

I Am Sweaty

 

I wondered if those were the first words to come to their minds, or the ones they settled on when they realized that they would be asked to share. I know for me, there are days when my impulse would be to fill in the blank with –

 

tired

lonely

overwhelmed

sad

frustrated

 

I then thought of the power that whatever follows those two little words holds. Saying “I AM strong” is much more potent than uttering “I feel strong.” Stating “I AM sad” is so much more intense and influential than “I feel sad.”

I AM speaks to the soul of you. It says that whatever follows is so important, so vital to who you are, that it cannot be separated from you.

 

Be mindful with the words you choose to follow “I AM…”

 

Are these words kind or critical?

Do they describe a permanent part of your character or do they reflect something that is temporary?

Do they illustrate something that you believe about yourself or are they repeated the words that others have said about you?

Let the best of you, the heart of you, follow “I AM.”

Say it.

Share it.

Believe it.

I AM…

 

 

 

 

 

How NOT to Be a Victim (No Matter What Life Throws at You!)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

 

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

 

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not want to see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. That word embodied weakness in my mind and I wanted to feel powerful. It spoke of a lack of control and I wanted to be the one to drive my life.

 

I did not want to be a victim.

 

But for a time, I was.

 

In the beginning, I spoke about what was done to me. I looked for resolution and justice from outside sources, hoping for an apology from him and a conviction from the courts. I embraced my pain, feeling justified in holding on to it. Meanwhile, I demonized my ex, removing all semblance of humanity in my view of him.

 

There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility. But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me.

 

As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.

 

When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response.

 

I chose the latter.

 

I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:

 

Rewrite Your Story

 

When we are harmed, we often feel powerless, as though we are simply being led through someone else’s story. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story. Rewrite it. Reframe it. Narrate it. Change the perspective. Take yourself out of the role of victim (done to me) and put yourself in the role of hero (I did…). Write it or tell it until you believe it.

 

Pick up a pen and write your happy ending.

 

Create Purpose

 

Whatever happened, happened. There is no changing the past. But you can use the past to create something better in the future. Find some anger about what occurred and use that as fuel to drive you to create something better. Look around and see others suffering and use your experience to render aide. Use your rock bottom as a foundation for your life’s purpose.

 

You have the power to create something wonderful out of something terrible.

 

Make Changes

 

When unwanted change is thrust upon our lives, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Learn to recognize the potential hidden within and use the opportunity of uncertainty to create change of your choosing. There is no better time to release what no longer serves you and to embrace new beginnings.

 

When you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. That’s a powerful pair.

 

Find Gratitude

 

One of the powerful and difficult exercises that can empower the victimized is practicing radical gratitude. Face what has caused you the greatest pain, the most suffering, and write down why you are grateful for it. It is an amazing reminder of how much our thoughts rather than our circumstances are responsible for our happiness.

 

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

 

You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from the shackles of your past and let your spirit soar.