5 Reasons You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex (and What You Can Do About It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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I have this image of the brain after a breakup. It’s laid out like the room that manages all of the electricity for a large building. Huge levers line the walls where the power can be controlled to each section of the building. One by one, you shut down each breaker that sends energy to any thoughts about your ex until your mind is dark and peaceful.

Of course, it’s not really that simple.

No matter how much we try, thoughts of our exes find their way in, both through brute force and devious sneakery. The thoughts can range from disturbing to amusing, but no matter their particular flavor, they are often unwanted, displacing more welcome thoughts and dreams.

So why is it that even though they are out of our lives, they refuse to vacate our minds?

 

You’re Wanting Things to Be Different

Maybe you’re berating yourself for mistakes you made that led to the demise of the marriage. Thinking that if you only did or said something differently, that you would still be together. Or maybe you’re holding onto the idea that you can still become the person your ex wants and you’re entertaining the illusion that somehow you can still be together.

This desire keeps your ex in the forefront of your mind because you’re turning your thoughts around like puzzle pieces, trying to get them just so in the hopes of bringing everything together. And just like a puzzle, it’s hard to walk away when it feels unfinished.

What you can do…

This is a time for some tough self-love. What you’re doing is a type of magical thinking. Wanting something to be true is not enough to make it true. You cannot change the past no matter how much you allow it to occupy your present. Pay attention to when your thoughts venture into this territory and repeatedly remind yourself, “That is past. I cannot change it.”

These thoughts are often at their most intrusive when we are dissatisfied with our present lives. Are there areas in your life that need filling? Turn your attentions that way.

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You Miss Them (or You Miss the Idea of Them)

Obviously, at some point, you were attracted to your ex. You liked them as a person and found them interesting and desirable. And then as the relationship grew, their presence in your life grew as well until they occupied one of the more prominent positions. So it’s no wonder that you miss them. That the bed feels empty and you find yourself seeking out their smell or the particular sound their footsteps made on the stairs when they came home.

And of course, when you miss them, you’re thinking about them. And probably with rose-colored glasses too. You’re remembering the person you fell in love with, not the person you divorced.

What you can do…

This can be a time to counteract each of those positive memories with a negative fact. Although this isn’t a great strategy for the long term, it can help when you’re struggling to let go. If you need more ideas, read about how to fall out of love.

 

You’re Feeling Lonely

I equate a breakup with the cold void felt by the remaining person in a bathtub when the other person steps out. There seems to be too much time and too much emptiness, and that’s a difficult combination. It’s natural to want to fill that void with thoughts of the last person to occupy it. You equate their absence with your loneliness and so you fill your loneliness with their imagined presence.

The problem is that believing what loneliness tells you is a bit like trusting yourself to make wise decisions when you show up to the grocery store starving. Until you address the loneliness, your brain will be feeding you nonsense.

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What you can do…

Keep busy. Nurture connections with other people. Engage in meaningful work. Give back. Need more ideas? Read 52 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Lonely.

 

It Hurts to Think of Them Moving On

There’s a reason that the most common search that leads to my site is some version of, “My ex is getting married and it hurts.”

Because it does.

No matter how much we like to deny it, it can be painful to see them moving on, especially when we still feel flattened by the divorce. We wonder if they’re happy. Happier, even. We compare ourselves to their new partner and we judge our life by their curated one.

What you can do…

Block them on all social media. You do not need to see the pictures of them with their new partner. You crave the information, yet at the same time, you feel worse whenever you consume. So go cold turkey. Need more? This video offers more support and points to think about.

 

You’re Curious

You used to know almost everything about them. And now they’re almost a stranger. It starts innocuously enough, “I wonder if…” But then it spirals as you keep wondering.

Even though this reason doesn’t carry the weight of the others, taken too far, it can still interfere with your ability to move on.

What you can do…

The brain abhors a vacuum. If you don’t know something, the mind will fixate until it has answers. So give it answers. Not by social media stalking or constantly asking your kids, but by telling yourself some version of, “Their life is no longer part of mine. I don’t need to know what they are doing because it does not impact me.” If you have no contact, it’s okay to tell yourself a story (ideally a boring one) about what they have going on. And then go get your drama elsewhere.

 

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Peace Offering

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex husband has visited me the past several nights.

Not in person, thank goodness, but in my dreams.

When I awoke from the first one, I found myself strangely calm and more than a little perplexed. I was surprised for a couple reasons. I’m nearing the tenth anniversary of the day the marriage died and I have not had a dream about my ex husband in the last nine of those years. So it was more than a little weird to “see” him now.

I was even more astonished at my lack of emotional residue after awakening. Because the last time he visited my dreams, I woke up feeling physically ill and emotionally traumatized. Not to mention completely repulsed at his image imprinted on my brain.

But these recent dreams have been different. In them, he approaches me calmly. Like a normal human would, no longer wearing the monstrous skin he donned when he vacated the marriage. And I respond to his advance like a normal human. No shaking, no emotional tsunamis, no reaction at all really.

There are no words exchanged in the dream that I have been able to recall. And the only touch that I remember was his hand on my shoulder in that way that you do when you’re trying to provide comfort to a relative stranger. Which I guess we are.

I wonder why he is appearing in my dreams now after being absent for so long? Perhaps the significance of a decade apart is tugging at my brain? Or maybe the resolution I’ve had in my waking life for some time is finally settling in to my unconscious brain?

But there’s another explanation that I like the best. It’s silly, really. Not based in scientific reality in the slightest. Yet it somehow feels right. Maybe, just maybe, he’s coming to me now as a kind of peace offering, a sign that he’s in a good place and ready to both acknowledge and learn from the past. These visits are his energetic way of honoring what we once were to each other and offering a blessing to where we are now.

Silly? Yes. But I still accept the peace offering. Even if it’s only in my own head.

How to Steer Your Dreams

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I remember feeling safe. Our bodies were pressed together, recesses and curves paired together as though from complementary molds. His smell was familiar, both comforting and intoxicating, bringing contentment with a whisper of passion. My eyes were closed as we began to kiss, slow caresses that were full of promise and affection. As our lips parted, I pulled back and opened my eyes.

In my dream, I screamed and shoved him away in disgust and revulsion.

In my bed, I sat straight up, my pulse racing and my stomach queasy.

It had happened again.

For the first several months after he left, some version of this dream would visit me on a regular basis. It was one of those persistent ones. The kind that leave a lasting mark like the reddened skin after a pinch, coloring the entire day. I hated those dreams. They embodied my shock and confusion at the discovery that my protector had turned into my persecutor as the dream flipped from love to horror. Furthermore, the dream made me feel violated and dirty, as I no longer felt any sort of attraction to him.

I hated them.

But still they came.

Quickening the pulse and deadening the day.

I tired of them.

I tried ordering my brain to stop force-feeding me those images while I was defenseless.

It stubbornly refused, simply providing variations on a theme.

So I got creative.

It’s impossible to fully control your dreams. Yet you can apply some strategies that help to steer them in the direction you want:

Purge

If you fall asleep with a whole bunch of toxic sludge filling your thoughts, it is no surprise that those thoughts will work themselves into an unwanted dream. Before you head to bed, purge your mind of all those worries and fears bu simply jotting them down. This is not a full writing exercise, simply a listing of words and/or phrases that capture the negativity on your mind. Let it go first and perhaps it will let you rest in peace.

Replace

If your dream is like mine where the context is fine and the person is the problem, work to replace them in your mind. Before you fall asleep, picture the replacement in the situation. If you awake from the dream, similarly picture the stand-in. It’s often easier to tweak an element of a dream than to try to suppress the entire thing.

Edit

Another way to actively modify your dream is to rewrite the portion that causes grief. Most likely, the worst part of the “story” occurs at the point where it awakens you. So, once you are awake and in control again, finish out the story, bringing an ending that is less painful. You’re telling yourself, “Yes, that was scary. But it was not the end of the story. I can still change the outcome.”

Listen

Sometimes our dreams contain a message. Sometimes there are themes we need to address in our lives or voids we need to fill. Examine your dream, looking not at the literal components, but at the overarching truths. Is there something there that you’ve been hesitant to face in your real life? If so, this is your wake-up call.

Journal

Journal writing exists in the space between the conscious and unconscious minds. It is uniquely positioned to allow your thinking self to dialog with your feeling self. Write about your dreams without censorship. Explore the paths that appear. And don’t hesitate to build new paths as well.

Prime

Be cognizant of what you are exposed to right before bed. If your reading or viewing selection if fraught with tension and dark themes, it primes the mental pump to continue these in to slumber. Instead, select media that provides a sense of levity or comfort and allow it to infuse your dreams.

Live

This is perhaps the most important piece. Live while you are awake. Don’t allow your nightmares to limit your dreams.

Once I instituted these ideas, the dreams began to lose their power. First, their intensity was lessened as he was replaced by a replacement. I would still wake up, but I would be left with a feeling more of confusion than of horror. Then, the dreams began to lose their frequency, becoming more and more rare as I addressed the root emotions and continued to build my new life. And now, those dreams are only a memory, safely buried.

Releasing a Dream

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was 11 when I began stalking Adam.

 

Growing up, I spent a lot of time at friend’s houses. One friend had a younger brother who played Little League and she and I would frequently be dragged along to his games. Now, as sophisticated and suave 6th graders, we were well above watching the 8 year old’s play. We were into the big boys.

Notice the subtle stalking strategies of the human preteen...
Notice the subtle stalking strategies of the human preteen…

 

I developed an intense crush on a 13 year old named Adam. He was tall and thin with long blond hair. The hair was the important part – put some long locks on any boy at the time and I would start drooling. Adam was like Prince Charming and Jon Bon Jovi all rolled into one. The scary thing is that I knew more about Jon Bon Jovi than I did Adam. You see, although I still have an entire roll of pictures of him, I never summoned the nerve to approach him at the field. He went to a different school, so the intel I had on him was scarce and somewhat suspect.

 

English: Jon Bon Jovi in concert, Nijmegen, Ne...

 

But I didn’t care. I was happy enough to create his personality and interests while watching him run the bases. I’d weave fantasies of us running off together. I had pictures of him in my school binders (binders full of Adam?) and on my walls. He may not have known who I was, but he was a major fixture in my life. This continued for the next two years.

 

One day I heard my mom call across the house,

 

“Lisa. Telephone.”

 

Picking up, “Hello?”

 

“Hey. It’s Adam. From the ballpark?”

 

I almost dropped the phone. It was a dream come true. I knew he had access to my number through a chain of friends, but I never imagined he would call.

 

Of course, I tried to play it cool.

 

“You go to  —- high school, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“A friend of mine goes there. Do you know —–?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Do you play baseball for the school?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you play any other sports?”

 

“Nope.”

 

And that was what the entire conversation was like. All 30 minutes of it. He was nice enough, but he was no Prince Charming and certainly no Jon Bon Jovi. In fact, he was boring. He just happened to have long hair.

 

When I hung up the phone, I also hung up on my crush on Adam.

 

That was an easy dream to release. I had little invested in it and, as a boy crazy 13 year old, I had lots of other options on the horizon. He truly was easy come and easy go.

 

Not all dreams are so easy to release. The more time, effort and energy we have invested in a dream, the more we are committed to holding on even when all signs point to letting go. The more we see the dream as a reflection of ourselves, the tighter the binds to the image.

 

Dreams can be amazing and powerful motivators that help us make wonderful changes. They can inspire and encourage and carry us through the darkest days.

 

But some dreams are made entirely of fantasy. In order for a dream to become reality, it must contain elements of truth. If we hold tight to unattainable fantasies, we will never be content.

I faced this cold, hard fact dead on when my husband left. I had held tight to a dream of us growing old together. I saw us hand in hand with wrinkles covering our faces and our heads swathed in gray. That dream was no easy go. It was unbelievably painful as it was ripped from my grasp. But until I released it, I would not be happy.

 

So, how can you tell which dreams are inspirational and which are detrimental? How do you know if you should hold on or release your dream?

 

Fact Check: Don’t make the mistake I did with Adam. Check the elements of your dream against reality. Preferably sooner than later. Reality will hit regardless, but it’s nice to anticipate and plan for its arrival. Sometimes, the truth derails the dream entirely and sometimes it is merely a roadblock to work around. Regardless of what it is, awareness is key.

 

Alignment: Does your dream align with who you are and your core beliefs and needs? I see evidence of ignoring this one in the school system. Many second career teachers (especially in math) started out in fields where they were isolated all day. They had always dreamed of being an accountant/underwriter/etc., but they never though to realize that it didn’t align with their need for social interaction. Cue crushed dream.

 

Perspective: Sometimes the path to achieve a dream doesn’t become apparent until a new perspective has been gained. You pretty much have two choices here: keep on living and shelve the dream until your experiences give you direction or talk with others and hear their take on your aspirations. Of course, friends don’t always know what’s best. Mine encouraged my fantasies about Adam:)

 

Shift: Many dreams are not all or none. I’ve had fleeting fancies of running in the Olympics. But, let’s be honest. A 5’2″ 35 year old late in life runner has about as much chance of that as Tiger does of becoming president. So, a gold medal was out, but I could still shift my dream to running a marathon – the kind where they let anyone run:) Maybe the dream is the image that can motivate you to a more realistic reality.

 

And, for goodness sakes, if you have a crush on someone, don’t wait two years to talk to them!

 

 

 

Perchance to Dream

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I woke up at 2:30 this morning with pulse racing and limbs twisted under the covers. I had been having a dream where I was trapped in a house with some unknown person that I felt protective of and my former neighbor and her baby (as they were in 2002 or so). Outside the house was a postapocalyptic scene, and I think there may have even been zombies (that’s what happens when you binge on Walking Dead:) ). I remember panicked dashes across the house to get to safer areas and shooting the zombies outside.

English: A zombie

None of that was the scary part. At some point just before I awoke, my ex made an appearance. I don’t even know if he was a zombie or a ‘good guy’ trapped in the house. His arrival was enough to pull me out of my dream and leave me unsettled.

Dreams are such strange things. As a kid, I used to have very vivid and memorable dreams. Some were repetitive and told overarching stories of strange characters (I remember a walking, talking frog with a shirt and no pants, in particular. don’t ask.) where as others would come and go in a single night. I had many dreams that seemed to be premonitions or interpretations. I used to listen to these. I remember waking from some of those meaningful dreams and heading out to my monkey swing in the backyard (kind of my ‘go for a run’ substitute as a kid) where I would swing and spin as I pulled apart the dream, searching for clues. My early nightmares were of the typical monster variety and would send me to a pallet next to my parent’s bed for comfort as I worked my way back into slumber.

Monkey swing:) I used to read and eat popsicles on mine simultaneously. Yup, that’s talent!

As I got older, the intensity of my dreams decreased but the frequency remained the same. I would wake shaking the remnants of a vision from my head several times a week.What’s interesting to me now in retrospect is the theme of the dreams. Not long after my ex and I were together, I started having very vivid dreams every couple of months or so where he cheated on me. I would wake up filled with rage, the sight of his slumbering form next to me making me want to lash out. Perhaps it was due to the lack of a monkey swing to properly analyze these dreams (or more likely my mind’s inability to face the content head-on), but I never did put any merit in those visions. Nonetheless, those were tough days that followed those dreams. I would alert him to my nightmare and he would respond by being especially gentle and affectionate. Even still, it would usually take hours for the residual anger and anxiety to leave my body. It’s strange. Those dreams are the only time I felt anger towards my ex while I was with him. I was just too bone-headed to listen.

Mozart Dancing

After he left, I didn’t sleep. The anxiety gripped my body and caused it to shake, its own tarantula dance, as though I was trying to rid myself of his poison. I spent weeks sitting on the edge of the bed, my eyes fixated on a point on the wall, my mind inhabiting the nightmare that had become my reality. Eventually, I agreed to medication – dosages that would cause a horse to enter a permanent coma barely eased me into slumber. I had only a single dream that entire fall. In it, I was near some benches at a whale watching facility in the Pacific Northwest (where I planned to move at the end of the school year). A male was sitting on a bench, facing away from me. I approach him and place my hand gently on his shoulder. He turns, and I discover it’s him.

Those nightmares stunned me enough I wished for my childhood pallet next to my parent’s bed. He had become the monster, yet he looked like the man I had loved. Variations on the that dream persisted for the first six months. Until finally, they began to fade.

A depressed man sitting on a bench

I remember my excitement when I awoke one morning and realized that I had dreamed of another man – a guy I had been dating. I was thrilled. It was like calling in the Ghostbusters, his appearance sweeping my ex into the vacuum canister.

I weaned myself off the medications that first spring. I left the primary sleep aide until last, fearful that the demons of the night would reappear. For the most part, they haven’t. In fact, my dreams are now few are far between and most are quite innocuous. My ex rarely makes an appearance, but when he does, I still react with panic.

Most importantly, I never have dreams where Brock is unfaithful. I don’t have dreams that cause anger or anxiety that lingers. But if I ever do, you better believe that I’ll listen. And maybe install a monkey swing:)