This is the image I am holding in mind today as I embark on an overnight field trip with hundreds of middle schoolers:)
A(void)
He had lost himself. Somewhere along the way, he no longer knew who he was. Did the depression come first, leading him astray? Or did the depression tag along, following the self out the door? Regardless of the order, he was left a shell. Rather than face the void and explore its dark depths, he chose to avoid by creating a facade of a man. It must have been exhausting, balancing on that edge, trying not to fall while maintaining the illusion that he was nowhere near the cliff. He was a master at that delicate act for years. Even when he left, he thought he could continue to pull a Copperfield on those around him, using mirrors of deception to hide the enormous truth. The fall was inevitable. For a brief period after his arrest, he seemed to see the precipice, the darkness surrounding him just beyond the lights he used to distract and blind. Yet still, he was unable to face the pain, and he chose to continue being a master of illusion. By denying the void, he allowed it to grow.
I also avoided the truth in those years, not consciously, but on some deep level. I didn’t give any credence to the physical symptoms of anxiety that coursed through my body in the final few months; I wrote them off as work stress combined with my Type A personality. It’s hard accepting that I didn’t see the truth. I feel bad for me, but even more so, I feel like I failed him. One of the few regrets I have is that I didn’t know that he needed help before it was too late.
I expected to face my own void when he left. I loved that man, adored him. He had been the driving force in my existence for half my life. How could I lose him and not face a gaping wound? The initial loss was too raw, too overwhelming to feel any sense of loss. As I settled in to my new state of being, I surprisingly realized I didn’t feel as much emptiness as I expected. It was more like the void left after a tooth has been pulled: slightly sore with the occasional shocky bit, but mainly just strange and alien. Like one does with the tongue after losing a tooth, I explored the hole, drawn to its strangeness. At first, it consumed all my waking thoughts, but as time elapsed, it grew less prominent. I became accustomed to his absence faster than I ever anticipated, consciously filling that void with friends, activities, anything I could get my hands on. I survived not by teetering on the edge, but by filling in the hole. I am still aware of the place where he was, but accept that he was the tooth that needed to pulled for healing to occur.
I hope that he is not still trying to walk along that cliff or survive the darkness beyond. I wish that he, too, can find a way to heal the void.
Opportunities
The best lessons can be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss. It is a moment between moments where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. In those moments between moments we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.
When you find yourself in that moment created in the space after a sudden change, try to see the opportunities wrapped within the loss. Growth is so much easier when we are unencumbered by our usual habits and assumptions. Rather than immediately seeking protection from the pain, be with it and be vulnerable. It is in those moments between where our potential resides.
Blame – Continuing the Conversation
So why do we play the blame game at the end of a marriage, assigning guilt like we’re tallying points in a shuffleboard match? Why does it have to turn into a bride vs. groom match with everyone taking sides?
The blame frequently starts within the dissolving union. One partner often holds the other responsible for the destruction of the marriage. They can be quick to list the faults and transgressions of their ex, pointing fingers at another as a way of avoiding having to look at themselves. This is frequently performed behind a shield of righteousness, painting the blaming spouse into a victim role where they have no responsibility for their own actions and their own happiness.
Not all blame comes from within. Some of the most painful and damaging blame comes from those outside the marriage who feel the need to pass judgment on its demise. Read the rest on The Huffington Post.
Three Years Ago Today
Three years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with.
Three years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved. I saw none.
Three years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine.
Three years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that is was all over.
Three years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden.
Three years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman.
And now, three years on, I could not not be happier with where I am.
And, I could not be where I am without three years ago today.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 