The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you don’t feel safe in a relationship, your focus shifts from connection to protection.

Instead of turning towards your partner, you’re turning inward or turning away in an attempt to avoid a sense of increasing danger.

And relationship safety is often misunderstood. We tend to oversimplify the state; believing that as long as physical threats are not present, there is no reason to not feel safe (yet there are many ways that we can feel emotionally unsafe in relationships). Additionally, we often dismiss or misinterpret feeling a lack of safety in a relationship. We may chalk it up to our own insecurities or blame it on anxiety arising from within.

You also may be unintentionally behaving in a way that lessens your partner’s sense of safety in the relationship. And so that disconnect or tension that you may sensing could be their attempt to protect themselves.

What Does Not Feeling Safe in a Relationship Look Like?

  • Not knowing what to expect from day to day or moment to moment.
  • A hesitancy to initiate affection or intimacy because of a pattern of rejection.
  • Biting your tongue out of a fear of the repercussions of speaking your truth.
  • Your emotions being mocked or dismissed.
  • Always being asked to change your appearance or demeanor in order to be accepted.
  • A feeling of walking on eggshells because of repeated emotional outbursts or unexpected and over-the-top reactions.
  • Intimacy and connection are used as both reward and punishment – if you’re “good,” you get attention and if you’re “bad,” it’s withheld.
  • A feeling that you have to put on a front or hide certain aspects of yourself in order to avoid rejection or ridicule.
  • Your partner frequently threatens to leave or divorce.

What Characteristics Make People Feel Safe in a Relationship?

Physical

Your partner doesn’t hit you, hold you down or use their body to intimidate you. You don’t expect a physical altercation and you don’t flinch when they reach towards you. If you are hurt or ill, they will attend to your physical needs. If you reach towards them, they accept your touch. Any physical rejection is done with kindness and not blame or shame and sexual activities are never forced or coerced.

Consistency

You generally know what to expect from your partner and your relationship. Their actions and reactions are familiar and somewhat predictable. Additionally, except in extreme cases, emotional responses are not over-the-top and are appropriate for the situation.

Authenticity

You feel like you can be you. The real you. You don’t feel like you have to hide or pretend in order to be accepted. You can speak the hard truths without fear of overreaction or detonation. You also trust that your partner is revealing their true nature and that they are not holding back anything of importance. An authentic relationship is not always happy, but it’s also not hiding anything.

Vulnerability

You can be weak without fear of being taken advantage of. You can reveal your fears and insecurities without ridicule or emotional blackmail. You feel like it’s okay to not be okay and that a temporary state will not become a permanent point of contention.

Acceptance

You feel listened to. Valued and valuable. Your partner doesn’t try to change you or frequently compare you to others. Criticisms are aimed at your behaviors rather than at your core self. They accept you as you are, not as they want you to be. Any requests or encouragement towards change is both fair and approached with your wellbeing in mind.

The Link Between Relationship Safety and Anxiety or Insecurity

Our primary relationships often set the tone for the rest of our experiences. We expect to be able to come home and relax our guard, to be authentic without the risk of excess judgement or the fear of being taken advantage of. To be our best, we need our relationships to be our stable ground from which we grow into the rest of our lives.

And so when home is more unpredictable wobble board than sanctuary, the effects extend outwards. Much like an infant with an insecure attachment to a parent shows less confidence in exploring the world, an adult that doesn’t feel safe in their primary relationship may hesitate to to take risks or be prone to excess worry.

Of course, not all anxiety or insecurity is relationship-based. Yet if your symptoms increase when you’re around your partner or are primarily present at home, this may the root cause of your stress. Also pay attention to a lasting sense of “walking on eggshells.” This feeling is common during times of stress or transition, but if it continues, it indicates that you are afraid of triggering a reaction.

Often people are surprised when they feel calmer and more confident when a significant relationship ends. But it’s not surprising at all when they never felt safe within that relationship.

How Past Betrayal and/or Abandonment Impact Relationship Safety

Part of the trauma of both betrayal and abandonment is that they destroy any sense of safety. And those effects are lasting, even following you into a new relationship. This is especially true if you felt safe and secure until the moment you realized that the firm ground was instead an illusion crafted to keep you unsuspecting.

A sense of safety is related to trust, yet it is also its own domain. Trust comes down to believing that your partner’s actions align with their words. Safety also relies on a sense of consistency and acceptance. And both obviously suffer after betrayal or rejection.

If you have experienced this kind of relationship trauma, it will be some time before you feel steady again, no matter how secure your footing. Part of the healing process is learning what is a true danger and what is merely a malfunctioning alarm.

The Limitations of a Safe Relationship

There is no such thing as a fail-proof relationship. It is impossible to be involved with another person and never feel hurt or disappointed. Feeling safe in a relationship does not mean that your emotions will never be bruised. Instead, it comes down to trusting that your partner will never internally seek to harm you and if they do misstep, they will take responsibility for their part in the transgression.

The Powerful Benefits of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

Safety is a primary need. Without a sense of safety, much of your energy is extended towards being ready to run, hide or fight if needed. And when that need is met, your energy is freed towards growth and you feel securely anchored enough to take risks in other areas.

When at their best, our relationships give us both the firm ground on which to stand and the encouragement to extend beyond our perceived limitations.

 

5 Critical Ways to Learn to Trust After a Devastating Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Will I ever trust again?” I asked, turning towards my dad in the aftermath of the day the marriage died.

My voice trembled along with the rest of my body, a pleading tone hoping for a positive response.

His eyes teared, he pulled me in for a hug. “I don’t know but I sure hope so.”

It wasn’t the response I wanted, but it was honest. And honest was what I needed.

Over the next weeks and months, I asked that question of my mom, my family, my friends, my journal.

And every response was the same.

“I don’t know.”

How do you recover from betrayal by the person closest to you? How do you move forward without armor so thick that no one will ever make it through? How do you ever put faith in another person after doing so destroyed your world and you in the process?

How do you learn to trust again?

We often think of trust as a singular thing, an on/off switch that is either fully present or entirely lacking. But trust doesn’t operate that way, it is multidimensional and maintaining it is an ongoing and ever-present process.

We also generally speak of trust as something that exists solely outside ourselves. We deem certain people untrustworthy and label others dependable. We decide that someone has lost our trust because of their actions (or perceived actions) and that the rebuilding of trust is completely dependent upon them. Yet the reality is that trust exists in the space between two people and it depends upon both for sustenance.

It’s been several years since I first questioned if I could ever trust again. And now I know I can trust because for the most part, I do. It wasn’t (and sometimes still isn’t) an easy process, but it has been a worthwhile undertaking.

If you’re struggling with trust, I’ve identified five components for you to look for in the other person and to address in yourself:

Courage

In your partner… Deception and betrayal are often the cowards way of saying, “I’m not happy with myself.” Look for a partner that is willing to be direct rather than evasive, even when saying the things you may not want to hear.

This trait was one of the main characteristics I looked for (and found) in my second husband. I trust that he’ll speak the truth. That doesn’t mean I’ll always like it.

In yourself… Have the courage to face whatever you may see. Hiding your head in the sand only leaves you blind. Ask the hard questions. Have the difficult conversations. Be willing to walk away. Believe in your own strength and abilities.

This was a difficult road for me. I don’t like conflict and had confused my desire for something to be true with my belief that it was true. I still struggle sometimes, but I’m doing much better at facing the truth rather than turning away.

Awareness

In your partner… Seek out a partner who is empathetic and compassionate about what you have experienced. There’s a balance here. It’s not fair to hold them accountable for someone else’s misdeeds, yet they can be understanding that sometimes your aim will be off.

When we first started dating, my now-husband forwarded me an unsolicited email from his boss about some upcoming travel for work. That email paid dividends into my trust bank since I had discovered that much of my ex’s “work” travel was anything but.

In yourself… Be aware of when you’re responding to something from now and when you’re coming from a place of old hurt and fear. If you’re (over)reacting because of your past, own it and don’t try to place that responsibility on your new partner.

Whenever I’m feeling triggered about something, I try to take a step back before I react. Often, I figure out that the issue is that my brain jumped from point A to conclusion Z by following assumptions drawn from my past. At which point, I work on myself rather than blow up at my partner.

Skepticism

In your partner… Don’t assume that you’re partner is lying and also don’t assume that they are always honest. Err on the side of belief but also make sure that your trust isn’t blind. Authenticate their words through observation and corroboration.

In the early stages of our relationship, I sought verification for many of my now-husband’s words. I didn’t snoop (that behavior ALWAYS backfires!), but I was observant, looking for evidence that supported his claims.

In yourself… Don’t assume that just because you feel it, it has to be real. Our emotions can lie to us as well. Be skeptical about your conclusions and try to separate fact from reactions. Also, remember that if you look for what you expect to see, your brain is setting you up to find it. Keep your mind open and yet questioning.

I am still learning to differentiate between spilled milk and an oncoming milk truck. And I know that about myself. So when I reach a premature conclusion, I look for facts to back it up before I accept it as truth.

Faith

In your partner… Believe that there are honest people in the world. And until/unless you’re proved differently, have faith that you’re with one of them.

I used to grow frustrated that my now-husband couldn’t seem to grasp the enormity of my ex’s transgressions. But then, I found solace in that fact. He doesn’t get it because that kind of deception is simply not in is vocabulary. And I’m more than okay with that.

In yourself…Have confidence that you will be able to move through your past and have the security of trust again. Operate with the certainty that you’ll get there and the focus will help you find your way.

In the beginning, I was asking if I could trust again. A few months out, I changed that to a declaration, “I WILL trust again.” I didn’t know how or when, but I made trust a goal rather than a question.

Acceptance

In your partner… For those of us who struggle with trust, we can often confuse disappointment with deception. Your partner will make mistakes. They will disappoint you. That’s not a breach of trust, that’s a fact of life.

In his willingness to readily own up to his mistakes, my now-husband has helped me find acceptance with infallibility. None of us are perfect. Stuff happens. And that’s why trust is an ongoing process.

In yourself… Accept your part. Do you turn away from uncomfortable truths? Do you start off believing that everything is a lie and seek only to prove it? Do you place the onus for trust on another’s shoulders? Also, accept that you have been wounded and that it will take time and patience for you to heal.

As soon as I shifted my focus from what my ex did to what I needed to do, my healing really began. Even though I could continue to blame him for destroying my trust, learning how to find it again was up to me.

Trust is not expecting your partner to be perfect.

Trust is choosing a partner that faces instead of hides.

Trust is not never being hurt or disappointed.

Trust is looking beyond the result and seeing the intention.

Trust is not searching for ways that others are trying to deceive you.

Trust is listening to your gut and sifting out the truth.

Trust is not trying to control every action and every outcome.

Trust is operating within your locus of control and releasing the end result.

Trust starts with you. And it’s up to you.

Learning to Trust Again: How to Deal With the Triggers

Posted on by stilllearning2b
triggers

“Will I ever learn to trust again?” I implored of my dad after receiving the surprise text that my husband had left the marriage and left the state. At that point, I was concerned about learning to trust somebody else after being the victim of horrendous gaslighting and betrayal.

It was only months later that I realized the true concern was not trusting others, rather I needed to know if it was possible to learn to trust myself and my own perceptions again. I kept questioning my responses to situations, wondering if I was listening to my intuition or overreacting because the circumstances triggered memories created by the earlier trauma.

Determined not be deceived again, I started paying more attention to my emotions and gut reactions to a situation. However, I was also aware that my emotions were not always rational and were prone to sending out false alarms since they were still raw from the betrayal. Before giving credence to my emotional responses, I learned to ask myself the following questions to determine if they were a reaction to something in the present moment or if they were simply an emotional echo from the past:

Is my response disproportionate to the situation?

It was just a silly argument over a coffeepot with my now-husband in our early days of dating. But my body saw it as life or death. I don’t even remember the details, but I do remember that the intensity of my response scared me. My body felt as though electricity was coursing through my vessels, charging my limbs so that I was prepared to fight or flee.

In reality, there was no danger. Not only was I physically safe, but this event did not even register on the relationship threat scale. My overreaction had nothing at all to do with the present moment and everything to do with the trauma in my past.

Am I experiencing a sense of déjà vu?

Shortly before our wedding, my now-husband detailed to me his plans for turning the basement into a home theater. As he was going over the floorplan and the modifications that would be needed, I was transported to a similar discussion with my first husband when he decided to build himself an office in the basement. An office that soon became the headquarters for his deceptions.

The whole time the basement theater was taking shape, I felt like I was occupying two locations in time and space. As much as I tried to stay present with the excitement of the theater, my fears kept pulling me back to the moment when I discovered the extent of my first husband’s lies hidden within his below-ground office.

 

Am I feeling like I’m out of control? 

When I discovered that my first husband had been living a double life and, by extension, I had been living a fabricated one, I entered free fall. It’s a disorienting feeling to realize that you’ve been manipulated for so long. When I’m triggered, my thoughts begin to spiral out of control. My mind will race from one thing to the next and it’s like the air has been bled from my normal self-soothing pathways.

I’ve learned that this out-of-body reaction only occurs when something takes me back to those early moments of utter and complete panic. When I’m responding to something solely anchored in the present day, my feet remain firmly anchored on the ground and I feel in control of my emotions and my responses.

 

 

Am I reaching premature conclusions?

Perhaps in a desperate attempt to never be deceived again, my subconscious brain began to assign reasons to any single point of data, no matter how inconsequential or likely benign. It was the equivalent of a hypochondriac assuming that a headache must be the result of a fatal brain tumor, rather than first addressing the much likelier causes of dehydration or too much caffeine.

When trying to ascertain if a perceived threat was real, I learned to list, in writing, the facts and only the facts. This helped me see if I was reaching a logical conclusion based on the available information or if I took a leap of panic into the worst-case scenario.

 

 

Am I assuming malicious intentions?

One of the hallmarks of over responding to a stimulus is taking everything as a personal affront. Whenever I find myself taking things too personally and assuming that it is a directed attack towards me, I know now that I’m really reacting to what has happened in the past.

A key way that this used to manifest in my new relationship is whenever my husband would be more reserved or withdrawn, I immediately assumed that I was the reason for the distance and that he was pulling away intentionally. This hypothesis would then be accepted even without any evidence to support it.

 

 

The more I answered, “Yes” to these questions, the more likely my response was rooted in the past and had little to do with my present situation. I also understood that continuing to have an emotional reaction to these situations would have a detrimental impact on my present life. And it was my responsibility to learn how to neutralize the triggers and my responses.

One event in particular highlighted the progress I was making on deactivating my triggers. It was shortly after my now-husband and I married. While at work, I received a notification that money had been transferred out of a joint gift account in the amount of $500, a little less than half what was available. The alert did not specify where the money moved.

My stomach dropped as my brain raced back to the memory of examining the account records after my ex left, where I discovered countless transfers in the $500 range. Transfers to accounts that I did not have access to. My emotional response in the present was telling me to panic, that this was a sign of deception and marital fraud all over again.

But this time, I stayed in control. I focused on the facts: my now-husband had never shown any signs of betrayal, I had the vast majority of my funds in my name only and so I wasn’t at the same risk as before, and all I knew was that the money had moved. Resisting the urge to make this my husband’s problem, I took a few deep breaths and continued my day.

Once I arrived home, I pulled up the account on my computer. The money had been moved into our joint savings account, as we had previously agreed. The amount was determined by limits set by the bank. What my triggers had assumed was deception was, in reality, an act of kindness.

And that’s the problem with triggers. They conclude guilt and demand proof of innocence. Deactivating them lies in believing first in decency yet also keeping the eyes open to signs of dishonesty or hostility. Trust in your perceptions but verify before assuming.

Do You Suspect Your Partner is Cheating?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheating

Do you suspect your partner is cheating?

 

I laughed it off at the time.

My then-husband had recently become enamored with a particular style of Calvin Klein boxer briefs after years of mainly going commando. Since I was off school for spring break, I took on the task of tracking down several pairs for him so that he had enough to last a full week on the road.

I had read that a sudden change in preference of undergarments was a potential sign of an affair, but the thought that this man who was always so attentive and complimentary was seeing somebody else was laughable. I dismissed the idea as rapidly as it came to me.

And then, months later, the truth hit with a surprise uppercut.

The husband-of-the-year had disappeared into the arms of another. And he took his new boxer briefs with him.

Until I saw the evidence of the infidelity, his potential cheating was like Schrodinger’s Cat – until the box was opened, he was both faithful and unfaithful. I could both drive myself crazy by assuming that he was cheating or I could find false comfort in the conclusion that he was faithful.

And neither position of mine would have altered the facts surrounding his infidelity.

One of the most challenging truths about trust and fidelity in a relationship is that you have limited influence on the actions of your partner.

You can choose wisely, be a loving and present spouse and be alert to possible signs of cheating. And then you have to find acceptance in that in between space, where infidelity is simultaneously a possibility and out of the question.

After being cheated on in my first marriage, I was concerned about finding the balance between awareness of potential issues in my new relationship and also trust in my partner. My concern was that I would err too far on the side of suspicion, looking so hard for signs of cheating that, even if my partner was faithful, I would be living as though I was being betrayed.

I heard recently about a woman who knows her husband is cheating on her. Instead of making a decision about the future of the marriage, she is instead constantly monitoring his location. I can understand this reaction. By keeping tabs on his whereabouts, she is maintaining a sense of control in a situation where she is quite powerless. She can’t keep him from seeing his girlfriend, but at least she knows when he’s at the girlfriend’s house.

I understand this reaction, but the thought of living in that space makes me shudder. It must be horrible to know the details of the infidelity but be unable to alter its course. This false control becomes a distraction from the true source of power she does have – the decision if she is going to continue to tolerate this dynamic.

Other people are prone to snooping with the excuse that knowledge is power, assuming that if they just know enough about their partner’s life and interactions, they can stop potential infidelity before it starts.

It is a nice thought, that information is sufficient to shape the behavior of others. But, like with the illusion of control that comes from relationship insecurity, it’s a false comfort.

You will never know everything about your spouse’s life or history. You can spend all day together and they could be engaging in a secret online romance or you could have a long distance relationship where everything is aboveboard. Insisting on knowing everything is off-putting and creates an environment where your spouse is tempted to hide in order to avoid the constant questioning or to claim a reasonable amount of privacy. On the other hand, a total disinterest in information gives a sign of disinterest and even implied permission to act poorly.

There are times that I miss the sense of security I had in my first marriage, a certainty that he would be by my side no matter what.

And then I remember how that ended up.

I traded security born from willful ignorance for an acceptance about life’s impermanence and an appreciation for today.

An exchange I feel good about.

A few years ago, my now-husband found a type of underwear he loved. I looked from grading one evening to see him opening up a package from Amazon with multiple pairs. After admiring the view as he modeled a pair for me, I paused for a moment, remembering the similar scenario several years prior with my first husband.

Even though the immediate facts were homologous, the circumstances were completely different. Perhaps most importantly, I was no longer afraid to consider and confront the idea of infidelity in my husband (if I thought that it was a possibility). If I had been honest with myself ten years ago, I probably would have identified other facts that might have indicated that something was going on. When I considered this possibility with my second husband, I landed on a complete lack of evidence of infidelity. Furthermore, I had become quite uneasy towards the end of my first marriage, a current of anxiety of unknown origin coursed through me constantly. Whereas in my second marriage, I have never had that same vague sense of dread.

If certain signs have made you suspicious about your partner’s behavior, you have some decisions to make.

First, what do you want to do with this information? You can pretend you didn’t see it (not advisable, see my story for reasons), you can gather more data or you can confront your partner with your concerns. Here’s the hard part – once your brain has considered this possibility, there is likely little that your partner can say to completely alleviate your fears. That doesn’t mean that they are cheating; it means that trust has to operate on both faith and facts.

If you learn that your concerns are valid, are you prepared to set some boundaries? Maybe you are willing to try to work through this if your partner is on board or perhaps this is a deal-breaker for you. If they deny the affair (and you have proof) or they refuse to end the infidelity, what decision will you make?

I caution against remaining overly suspicious for the long term. It won’t lessen the chances of an affair (in fact, if anything, it can encourage it, “If you’re going to accuse me of it, I might as well do it.”) and it will only serve to make you miserable. If your concerns appear to be unfounded, consider the possibility that they have more to do with your own insecurities than your partner’s actions.

Transfer your energy from your partner’s activities to your own thoughts.

If infidelity is Schrodinger’s Cat, I refused to open that box in my first marriage, stubbornly believing that as long as I didn’t look, my marriage was still alive. Now, I take the occasional peek in the box to ensure that all is well, but for the most part, I operate from a place of trust. Because living a life of suspicion means that I am allowing myself to be a perpetual victim of infidelity. And that’s not the life I want to live.

 

 

 

 

 

Understanding Triggers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Want more ideas and support on dealing with triggers?

 

Facing Avoidance

We avoid because we do not want to suffer. Yet suffering then becomes the background noise of our lives.

 

Learning to Trust Again: How to Deal With the Triggers

There are times when the triggers are activated because of a legitimate and present concern. At those times, it’s important to listen to your gut and pay attention to its warnings. And there are other times when the alarms were pulled too soon, acting more from perceived danger than from a true emergency.

 

Trigger Points

As a survivor of a traumatic divorce, I am also very familiar with emotional trigger points – painful memories and associated responses caused by repeated or acute trauma. They are areas of hyperirritability where the response far outweighs the preceding factors. They cause intense pain at the time of their trigger and can cause referred pains in seemingly unrelated areas.