This post on MindBodyGreen goes beyond the usual platitudes to give true insight into the healing process from the end of a relationship. Out of the tips provided, the one that took me the longest to realize was that, regardless of appearances, the pain of a break-up goes both ways. Once I was able to understand that he was in pain as well, I was able to take the first tentative steps towards forgiveness. For those of you still stinging from the pain, I hope that this post brings you some insight and some hope.
English: Photo of the living room of a compulsive hoarder (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I saw a promo picture for of those hoarding shows the other day. It showed a woman surrounded by an impossible pile of stuff, trying to look strong, yet you could see the struggle on her face. I did not watch the show, but I gather that she acquired and held onto these items out of fear, that she sees the piles of clothes of objects as some sort of talisman against the evils and discomforts of the world. This may have worked for awhile, but eventually, as the stuff accumulated, so did its power. It now has her trapped, stuck, buried under the weight of that which she refused to let go of.
We see these shows or read these stories and wonder how they let it get so bad. Don’t they realize that the accumulations are smothering them? Don’t they know that many of those items are worthless? Don’t they see the freedom that comes from release. No, they don’t. They are wrapped in a security blanket of stuff that tightens around them like a serpent whispering platitudes into fearful ears.
We see these shows or read these stories and proudly declare that it could never happen to us. We would recognize that slippery slope and halt the accumulation before it grew to epic proportions. What we often fail to realize, however, is that we are guilty of the same behavior within our minds. You may not be surrounded by the tangibles of your past, but can you say the same for your thoughts? Do you let old hurts and pains clutter your mind? Are you buried under the weight of days gone by? Do you hold on to these memories and thinking patterns because you are afraid to let them go?
If you realize that outdated thoughts are cluttering your mind, read my post on Taking Out the Mental Trash to learn how you can begin to release the unneeded clutter so that you can breathe again without the weight of the past holding you down.
English: Shoes in a shop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I had to buy a new pair of shoes the other day. I visited a store where I have a shopper’s card that gives me coupons for each purchase made. The problem? I have no idea where the card has migrated to. At the checkout, the cashier asked if I was member. I replied, “Yes, but I have no idea where my card is.”
“No problem. We’ll just look you up in the system.”
Well, she didn’t know it yet, but that was certainly a problem. I knew that I had accessed the account and updated some information during the past three years, but I no idea what current combination lived in their system.
“Phone number?”
I gave her my number. No matches.
“Name?”
Again, I replied. Again, no success.
“Email?”
The machine responded, “No matches.”
“Address?”
At this request, My mind blurred. I’ve had five addresses in three years. I gave up.
Then, a flash. I realized that I hadn’t purchased shoes there since I received a new phone and accompanying number. I gave her my old phone number – the one I sought out after my husband left to provide a layer over my old life.
Success. It pulled up my married name, the address of my apartment that I got one year out from sudden singledom, and a temporary email that I used for a brief period.
Everything had changed but the birth date.
She updated the account with my current information. Which, other than the address, should remain fairly constant for the forseeable future.
It was a moment of reflection for me. I no longer identify with the woman that had those other data points. I am no longer the innocently married woman that carried his name. I no longer have that phone number that was sought out in the initial fear and desperation of those early days. I no longer live alone; I have now found a new and happy relationship. The email addresses I have now reflect the success of my new life with the writing and the coaching. And, as for the birth date, I will keep that one happily, for each year has brought more wisdom and gratitude than the one before.
Brahmeid Moth (Brahmaea wallichii insulata) at Leader Village Hotel, Buluowan, Taiwan. Photographed on 1 March 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Now that the oppressive heat has finally broken in the South, the AC is off and the windows are wide open. We are fortunate to live in a home with plenty of windows that backs onto a wooded area that is infused with the sounds of nature. We are unfortunate that this same house is a rental with missing and torn screens that allow the nature to come right in and make itself at home.
While I was waiting for the coffee to percolate yesterday morning, I noticed a huge (and beautifully-patterned) moth beating furtively against the wall behind the sink. It had been drawn to the light above that we leave on at night. The moth appeared exhausted; its energy stores had been depleted in its fruitless endeavor to reach the light. If it continued along this path, it would surely perish. Meanwhile, an open (and screenless!) window lay mere feet away, entirely unnoticed by the fatigued moth. I used a cup to gently scoop up the insect and I released it into the crisp morning air just outside the window where it could chase the emerging sun rather than the false call of the flourescent bulb.
Open Window Season (Photo credit: Chiot’s Run)
We often act like moths, drawn to false promises that dazzle us with overwhelming light rather than waiting for the real thing. Once we are hypnotized by that which draws us, we can easily get lost. Stuck. Beating ourselves against a wall that will not yield. Sometimes, we need the perspective of another to scoop us up and release us into the open window that we cannot see.
In my life, work is my false light. It pulls me and consumes me. It leads me to believe that satisfaction and contentment can be found through accomplishment. However, it is never done. I am lucky to have people around me that will point me towards the open window and the rest of the world that exists outside my office. Being aware of the false light that pulls me has helped me avoid its call, yet I still need a helping hand to scoop me up at times.
I just hope they don’t throw me out the kitchen window 🙂
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 