What If It Is Your Circus And They Are Your Monkeys?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
it is your circus

Because sometimes it IS your circus…

It’s war.

And I’ve pulled out the big guns – poisonous plants, crushed oyster shells, a rake to remove mulch , metal landscape mesh and mousetraps hidden beneath overturned pots.

Because this time, it is my circus and these are my monkeys.

Errr…voles, actually.

Although I think I’d rather have an infestation of monkeys. I think they may cause less damage. And at least I’d be able to see my nemesis.

I spent last summer largely in the dark about my voles. I blamed my neighbors for the missing plants in the front and root rot for the crater that kept opening up swallowing my hosta (and its replacements) whole. And I credited Tiger’s enthusiasm for the partially chewed roots found laying atop the bed.

In other words, I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t my circus laying waste to my garden.

But then, as the silver dollar sized holes began to appear where plants had disappeared, I was forced to change my tune. If I was going to have any chance of actually growing something other than digitalis, I would have to accept the fact that this is indeed my circus and these pesky little vermin are my monkeys.

And I was going to have to be the one to deal with them.

—–

Many of us struggle with distinguishing between what is our responsibility and what is none of our business. I watch my students constantly sticking their noses into other students’ personal lives yet fail to take on their own lives. I watch people after divorce get all hung up on their ex’s actions yet neglect to monitor their own choices. And I watch myself taking my husband’s mood personally while not attending to my own.

It’s much like the overweight physician or mentally ill psychiatrist – it’s easier to advise others than to take that advice yourself. And it’s easy to get distracted trying to influence things outside of your locus of control while ignoring the chaos within your domain. In other words, it’s easy to become so busy watching your neighbor’s monkeys that you neglect to tame your own.

So, to break it down…

Not your monkey – What other people are choosing to do with their lives.

Your monkey – What you are doing in your life.

Not your monkey – Other people’s moods or feelings.

Your monkey – Your own mood, feelings and what you express to others.

Not your monkey – What other people have done to you.

Your monkey – How you respond to what has been done to you.

Not your monkey – Telling people what they should do.

Your monkey – Striving to maintain an open mind.

Not your monkey – Making other people happy.

Your monkey – Creating your own happiness.

Not your monkey – How other people judge your decisions and actions.

Your monkey – How you feel about your own decisions and actions.

Not your monkey – Wanting others to like and approve of you.

Your monkey – Treating yourself and others with compassion and kindness.

Not your monkey – The unhealthy patterns and needs of others.

Your monkey – Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

 

There’s a freedom that comes from releasing the monkeys that are not yours to train and a power that comes from identifying and taking responsibility for your own rascally simians.  As for me, I’m taking on the responsibility of the voles. Do you know of any monkeys that can help?:)

 

 

 

How to Create Lasting Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Transformation requires change both in thoughts and in actions. And change is difficult to initiate and often even more difficult to sustain. The following are some tips and suggestions for creating lasting change in any area of your life:

  • Make your goals specific, actionable and measurable. For example, saying. “I want to be happier,” is vague and impossible to measure. If your goal is be happier, begin by breaking that down into smaller pieces. Perhaps part of being happy for you is to spend social time with friends, specifically having at least two hours a week of adult friend contact. That is now something you can recognize and word towards.
  • Focus on your most important goals. A shotgun approach rarely works; select one to three areas to focus on at a time. Once a goal is attained or becomes obsolete, replace it with a new intention.
  • Visualize success. What will you feel like when you have attained your goal? Look like? See yourself reaching your intentions and paint every detail in your mind.
  • Be realistic. If you hate fish, don’t set a goal of eating salmon at least once a week. If you are afraid of public speaking, don’t make your first goal a TEDtalk. Start where you are and use what you have.
  • Write your goals down. Writing down your goals helps in two ways: First, it helps you clarify exactly what you are working towards. Secondly, if you post your goals in a prominent location, it serves as a reminder of what you want to achieve.
  • Track your progress. When progress is incremental, it can be difficult to gain perspective on how far you have come. And, when you don’t have a sense of the bigger picture, small setbacks can be very discouraging. Find a way to record your progress. This can be as simple as re-reading earlier journal entries to see how your perspective has changed or it can take the form of measureable data. The “how” isn’t important; the acknowledgement of overall progress is.
  • Tell somebody. Most people feel more accountable when others know of their intentions. If you are the only aware of your goal to run a 5K in eight weeks, it’s pretty easy to skip your training runs and retire to the sofa. If, however, your friends and family know of your goal, you’ll be more encouraged to make sure you don’t end up backing out of the race. If you don’t want to involve your social group in your goals, you can start an anonymous blog or Twitter account. Even if you have few readers, just the act of making your intentions public creates accountability.
  • Join a group. When you’re surround by like-minded people that are trying to achieve a similar change, it makes it easier to make those changes and make them stick.
  • Utilize technology. Put goals and plans on your calendar. Set reminders and alerts. Change your home screen to a reminder of your goals. Download an app that helps you implement or track your goals. It’s easy to neglect your own well-being while you’re taking care of others. Make sure you clamor for own attention too.
  • Tie new habits with established ones. If you already brush your teeth each day and you want to start a daily meditation practice, make a habit of meditating every day after you brush your teeth. It’s easier to start something new when it’s paired with something familiar.
  • Pair a desired action with something desirable. Want to go to the gym every morning? Splurge on your favorite shower gel and keep it in your gym bag to be used after that early workout. Need an incentive to journal every week? Head to your favorite coffee shop to get your writing done. No journaling, no coffee shop.
  • Create a challenge. If you are competitive by nature and you enjoy making a game out of things, join a challenge group or create your own contest. One way to do this is through a streak where you have to complete a certain activity for a specified amount of time for a certain number of consecutive days. For example, you may challenge yourself to walk at least a mile every day for a month. You can also ramp up the challenge – a mile a day at the beginning that slowly increases to three miles a day at the end. If you miss a day, the challenge starts over. That’s a great incentive to stick with it!

Edit Your Personal Narrative

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Did you ever have one of your English papers passed back filled with red marks; edits and deletions shaping your original script into something more cohesive and descriptive? If you’re at all like me, you first reacted with a bit of defensiveness tinged with embarrassment – “I thought the paper was good.” But then, upon reading the revised essay, you begrudging admit that the revised version is better. Maybe even much better.

The external hand wielding the marking pen gives you the gift of perspective, allowing you to see the patterns in your writing and the fall-back phrases that are too often used.  The editing process removes what doesn’t better the whole and selects the best choice of similar words to express an idea.

 

Have you ever paid attention to your internal narrative, the story you tell to and about yourself? Have you ever noticed a pattern in the words you select and the phrases you repeat?

Often we unwittingly craft a negative internal narrative, repeating past injuries and berating ourselves. Spinning yarns into straightjackets that keep us bound and gagged, prisoners of ours pasts and our beliefs. We excuse others while we abuse ourselves, framing our choices as worse than they are.

 

The words we choose to say to others have influence.

The words we choose to say to ourselves have power.

 

When we repeatedly hear the same words about ourselves, we begin to believe them. Even if they aren’t true.

Pay attention to the words you use to describe yourself. Are you selecting the best term? For example, feel the difference between “depressed” and “sad.” Sure, they are technically synonyms but the connotation is vastly different. Depressed is heavy, permanent. A condition. Whereas sad says, “I feel badly right now.” It’s a mood. Ephemeral. Even if you are depressed, try renaming it as sadness in your script. Keep repeating it and you’ll start to believe it.

 

Look to see what other words or phrases you can replace –

“I shouldn’t feel that way” becomes “I feel this way right now and that’s okay.”

“I’m lonely” turns into “I’m feeling separated from others right now.”

“I’m stupid” is replaced with “I made the best decision I could in the moment and I’m learning.”

“I’m rehashing” is exchanged for “I’m processing.”

“I’m broke” is retired and “That doesn’t fit in to my personal wealth goal” is brought in to fill its place.

“I’ll never find love again” is crossed out and “I am open to receiving love again” is written in above.

“My life sucks” is modified with the phrase “right now.”

 

Edit your personal narrative to create a story of compassion. A script of forgiveness and learning and hope.

The words you choose have power.

Use that power to shape the life you want.

You’re worth it.

 

 

 

 

Ten Lessons I am Still Learning

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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I took a break from the work of moving this past Sunday morning to sit on my new screened in porch with Tiger, both of us enjoying the view and the serenity (although I think he appreciated the squirrels more than I). Being able to take that break when there was so much to do was progress for me, a sign that I am indeed still learning. It prompted me to dust off this oldie but goodie from the archives – Ten Lessons I Am Still Learning. It’s funny when I look at this list now – I have downhill skied, learned how to relax more and even fallen in love with stretching in the form of yoga. I’m straddling two homes at the moments, both with extremely cluttered kitchens (and other rooms!). It’s a sign that we are always evolving and changing. I guess I need to come up with some new lessons soon:)

Ten Lessons I Am Still Learning (originally published winter of 2012)

One of the things I love most about my partner is that he sees himself as a perpetual student; he is always willing and eager to learn something new, even in an area where he is considered an expert.

Last year, we were out at dinner with a group of friends.  One of our friend’s 8 year son opened the conversation with my boyfriend (now soon to be husband!).

“Do you have a black belt?” the boy asked eagerly.

“I do,” came the reply.

“Actually, he has several,” interjected the boy’s dad.

“Wow!  Does that mean you know everything?”

“Actually, a black belt means that you are ready to begin learning.”

I loved that response.  It serves as a reminder to me to always be open to learning more, especially in those areas where I already have knowledge.

In that spirit, here are ten lessons that I am still learning:

1) Life doesn’t just have two speeds – on and off.  It is not only possible to go slowly, but sometimes it is preferable.

2) It is okay not to be the first one at work; stuff still manages to get done even if I arrive after the custodians.

3) I’m working on learning to sleep past 6:00 am and considering the possibility of mastering the power nap.

4)  A messy kitchen does not mean a chaotic life.  It just means that people actually live in our house.

5) Sometimes it is okay for the play to come before the work.  (I got this one from my dog)

6) I am still working on going downhill on wheels (bikes, skates, etc.).  I just don’t  trust those things!

7) Stretching is worthwhile exercise even if is doesn’t work up a sweat.

8) It is okay to relax.

9) Money will be there; I don’t need to get too stressed about it.

10) Always take time to appreciate what you have and remember to express your gratitude.  Especially when the kitchen is messy.

A(void)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

He had lost himself.  Somewhere along the way, he no longer knew who he was.  Did the depression come first, leading him astray?  Or did the depression tag along, following the self out the door?  Regardless  of the order, he was left a shell.  Rather than face the void and explore its dark depths, he chose to avoid by creating a facade of a man.  It must have been exhausting, balancing on that edge, trying not to fall while maintaining the illusion that he was nowhere near the cliff.  He was a master at that delicate act for years.  Even when he left, he thought he could continue to pull a Copperfield on those around him, using mirrors of  deception  to hide the enormous truth.  The fall was  inevitable.  For a brief period after his arrest, he seemed to see the precipice, the darkness surrounding him just beyond the lights he used to distract and blind.  Yet still, he was unable to face the pain, and he chose to continue being a master of illusion. By denying the void, he allowed it to grow.

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I also avoided the truth in those years, not consciously, but on some deep level. I didn’t give any credence to the physical symptoms of anxiety that coursed through my body in the final few months; I wrote them off as work stress combined with my Type A personality. It’s hard accepting that I didn’t see the truth. I feel bad for me, but even more so, I feel like I failed him. One of the few regrets I have is that I didn’t know that he needed help before it was too late.

I expected to face my own void when he left.  I loved  that man, adored  him.  He had been the driving force in my existence for half my life.  How could I lose him and not face a gaping wound?  The initial loss was too raw, too overwhelming to feel any sense of  loss.  As I settled in to my new state of being, I surprisingly realized I didn’t feel as much emptiness as I expected.  It was more like the void left after a tooth has been pulled: slightly sore with the occasional shocky bit, but mainly just strange and alien.  Like one does with the tongue after losing a tooth, I explored the hole, drawn to its strangeness.  At first, it consumed all my waking thoughts, but as time elapsed, it grew less prominent.  I became accustomed to his absence faster than I ever anticipated, consciously filling that void with friends, activities, anything I could get my hands on.  I survived not by teetering on the edge, but by filling in the hole.  I am still aware of the place where he was, but accept that he was the tooth that needed to pulled for healing to occur.

I hope that he is not still trying to walk along that cliff or survive the darkness beyond.  I wish that he, too, can find a way to heal the void.