The Day the Marriage Died

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Up until now, everything I have posted has been recently written, almost 3 years since the end of my marriage.  I recently went back and visited some of my earlier writings, drafted in the weeks and months after he left.  I’ve decided to share some of that, to expose the raw underbelly of divorce.  Please be aware that this writing has a different tone.  The emotions and language are harsh as they capture my reaction on the day the marriage died.

Choosing: painting by first husband, George Fr...

Wellness is not measured by the amount of broccoli you eat or the number of miles you can run.  It is not found in the number of punches on your yoga membership card or the double digits of your sit-up count.  Wellness is not indicated by the reading of the blood pressure cuff or the size indicated on the label of your jeans.

I used to think I was well; I had all of the above mastered.  My lean, muscled body spoke of the intense workouts it was subjected to along with the strict vegetarian diet that was used to fuel the exercise sessions.  I awoke before dawn to ensure that I could fit a workout into my hectic schedule as a middle school teacher.  I fit long runs in on open evenings or on the weekends.  I watched everything I ate, avoiding meat and keeping a careful eye on the amount of fat consumed.  My favorite way to spend the weekends was working in my extensive garden or going on long hikes in the nearby North Georgia mountains.

I used to think I was well.  But, I wasn’t.  All it took to strip away all of physical manifestations of health was a few short sentences.  A text, sent across the country on a sunny Saturday afternoon, arriving unexpectedly on my phone.

July 11, 2009  12:38 p.m.

I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way.  I am leaving. Please reach out to someone let the dogs out as I am leaving the state.  The code for the garage is 5914.  I’m truly sorry but I can’t do this anymore.   Please give me some time to come to terms with my decision.  I will call you in a few days.  I am sorry that I have failed you.

Lesson One

When two become ones, you are able to see yourself clearly.

Fear gripped.  Legs collapsed.  Brain stuttered.  Lungs heaved. Gut clenched. Body trembled.  World shattered.  Visceral.  Violent.

My father’s arms engulfed me as I lay shaking on the floor, my body and brain rebelling from my new reality.

“What can I do for you?  Do you want me to call mom?” my dad offered, seeking for a way to comfort his only child.

“Yes, please,” I responded, forcing the words out through my locked lungs.

He reluctantly left me in a heap on the hallway floor in my aunt and uncle’s house as he moved to the dining room to make the call to my mother in Texas, whom he had divorced decades earlier.

My brain barely registered his soft, yet strained voice in conversation several feet away from me.  My hands gripped my phone with urgency, willing it to send another message.  Wanting this to be a mistake.  A joke.  Anything but real.  A little anger pushed through the initial shock, enough for me to summon the courage to flip open the phone, using muscle memory trained over years to scroll down twelve names to Mr. T, the nickname he used to put himself in the phone he bought for me years before.

“Hello.  You’ve reached T of MMS.  I cannot come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.”

I took a deep breath and left a message, almost unintelligible through my tears, my shaking, and my heaving chest.

“T.  I don’t understand.  What is this?  A text message?  Sixteen years and a text message? Please don’t do this.  Not like this.  Call me.  Please.”

I closed the phone, severing the connection.

It sat there silent.  Taunting me.  I opened it again, this time to send a text message.

What about the dogs?  Are the dogs okay?  Call me.

It remained silent, the screen dark.

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What Set Theory Can Teach Us About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was reviewing sets and Venn diagrams with my 8th grade math students last week as I was getting them ready for the round of state tests.  Perhaps it’s a sign that I have been teaching this way too long, but my mind was wandering all over during the lesson.  For some reason, the vocabulary and diagrams of set theory reminded me of marriage.  Weird, I know.  Well, I didn’t include this in my lesson (although maybe they would have been more interested?), but here is what I realized about the connection between three terms in set theory and how they relate to three styles of relationships.

Union

Venn diagram showing A union B.

In math, a union is when two or more sets are combined.  In the Venn diagram above, the union of A and B is the entire shaded region.  The symbol for union is a U.  In a relationship that forms a union, each partner brings his or her whole self to the marriage and loses nothing when their lives overlap.  The area in the center represents the deepening that occurs when two whole, healthy people unite.  The shared region is the marriage, whereas the shaded regions that do not overlap represent the individuals and their independent beliefs and activities.  The symbol for union, U, emphasizes that these relationships are open to outside influence and change.  This would be the ideal relationship, each person contributing, benefiting, and yet remaining intact.

Intersection

Venn diagram showing A intersects B.

An intersection is the region where two or more sets overlap, shown by the center area in the Venn diagram above.  It is represented by the symbol ∩.  In a relationship characterized by the intersection model, each individual came to the marriage whole, but since has lost the part of him or herself that is not shared with the partner.  This is a limited relationship as each person exists only in the overlap.  The symbol for intersection demonstrates this closed, insular nature.  These relationships may last, but you would be hard-pressed to find a happy partner in one.

Subset

Euler diagram showing A is a proper subset of ...

A subset is a set contained entirely within another set, shown with a symbol that looks like a C.  In this type of relationship there is a power imbalance as one partner becomes completely absorbed by the other.  The symbol represents the subset spouse being open only to his or her partner and not accepting any other influence.  A relationship could start out in this fashion or this subset/superset could develop over time.

Which type of relationship best describes your marriage?  Which type do you want to be?  And could you pass the state algebra test now?

 

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Tips for Surviving a Malignant Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
malignant divorce

malignant divorce

Divorces are never easy; lives are torn asunder, feelings are trampled and insecurities raised, and both parties are left with a great sense of loss and often failure.  Some divorces turn ugly, with both partners lashing out at each other, trying desperately to hold onto the children, home, or things from the marriage.  Yet others hide a quiet malignancy, one partner using manipulative tactics to attempt to undermine and discredit  the other.  This is the divorce with which I am familiar.  (How it Began)

How to Diagnose a Malignant Divorce

If you are facing a malignant divorce from a spouse who seems to feel no empathy and will seemingly stop at nothing to transfer blame, you will not have an easy road ahead.  You will find that those around you mostly likely believe that it takes two to make a marriage fail, and they will be all too quick to accept your ex’s explanations as to your part in the demise of the union, even if they are complete fabrications.  The truth is that many people do not know how to recognize these pathological narcissists, so they try to fit the divorce into the only mental model they have.  All of this can leave you feeling even more alone and scared as you set out to defend yourself against the one you vowed to cherish.

Help! I’m Divorcing a Narcissist

These are some tips if you find yourself in the position of facing off against a malignant ex that will help you maintain your sanity and limit the damage done through the process.

Understand the System

The system is not designed to deal with this type of dishonesty, nor is it designed to protect marital victims.  This was my hardest and most painful lesson.  I expected there to be more accountability for him, but the reality is that someone, especially a gifted liar, can skate through relatively unscathed.  Not fair, but true.  In my case, the decree ordered that he make all kinds of restitution and work to absolve my name.  Not. One. Thing. Happened.  And there was nothing I could do other than waste time and money on another civil action.  It sucks.  It’s not fair.  But that is the way it is.  Let go of wanting your ex to face appropriate legal sanctions, as it may never happen.  You need to find a way to be okay regardless.

Marital Treason

Gather Evidence

This is critical when your ex will spin outrageous lies; you need to have anything and everything at your disposal to be able to refute his or her claims.  My ex took all of the financial and computer records with him, so I had to stretch to find any evidence.  Those little scraps of data were enough to have him arrested for bigamy, however.  Collect everything, even if think you do not need it.  This evidence can be used to back up your story and also build your credibility.  The officer that arrested my ex was treated to some believable stories by my ex (my favorite- he and I divorced in 2006 and I was remarried to a chiropractor named Mark (Marc?) Mercer and living in the next community over), but he very quickly came to trust my side as I emailed and faxed him one document after another.  I felt utter relief as the first non-family member saw through the lies.

Reality Anchor

Find something, some place, or someone that is your anchor to reality.  The world of the pathological liar is a crazy one and you have been brought along for the ride.  There will be times when you begin to doubt yourself, begin to feel as though nothing is as it seems.  This is when you need to turn to your anchor to remind yourself of what is real and what is smoke and mirrors.  My anchor was his mug shot and an associated newspaper article from when he was arrested for felony bigamy.  I carried that picture in my purse for almost a year.  Every time I would open another claim from his attorney or have to face someone in an official position, I would pull out that crinkled print-out and find my sanity again.

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Choose Your Battles

It can be so hard to listen to your ex’s inflated claims and not try to defend each one.  You will find that it is not even possible; he/she is adept at turning up the speed of the malicious game, distracting you with one lie while volleying two more.  Choose your battles.  Select the lies to tackle based on the impact they will have in the divorce.  Let the little ones go.  Some of the lies that made me the angriest were regarding the intimacy in our marriage.  I could have tried to refute those, but it would have been wasted energy and a difficult truth to prove.  I had to learn to believe in the truth, even when he was spewing lies.

A Letter to the IRS

Self-Care

Make no mistake; you are in a war.  It is critical that you take breaks between the battles to rest and care for yourself.  Spend time with friends that you know believe you and believe in you.  Go for a massage, tender comforting touch can help the soul heal.  Make sure to exercise, it can be a great tool for alleviating anxiety or reducing anger.  Try meditation when you are able.  You will need to stay healthy; don’t give your ex the power to take that away from you.

Why I Run

No Contact

In many divorces, the partners spend hours discussing the end of the relationship, its repercussions, and plans for the future. With a manipulative ex, there is nothing to be gained from contact, as they cannot be trusted.  See if you can get a no-contact clause in your separation.  Also, you may need to consider your physical safety.  My ex had never struck me, but I found myself physically afraid of this man who had become a stranger, set to destroy me.  I was unable to obtain a protective order due to a lack of history of abuse, but I did notify the police of the situation and they were able to do regular drive-bys.  Remove yourself from your ex.  He/she is not what you thought and contact will only serve to delay that realization. If you have children together, you will obviously have to have some communication but you can limit the type and frequency.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Focus on Your Future

It is important throughout that you remember what is really important: you and your future.  You will not win all the battles, especially when your ex doesn’t play by the rules.  But, if you remember that your ultimate goal is to get out and get on, you will be okay.

Goal Post

Taming the Monkey Mind: Shaving the Monkey

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No, not literally!  What do you take me for?  Some kind of simian-obsessed stylist?  But seriously, if you do decide to remove a little extra fur from a particularly hirsute monkey, I recommend you use a razor as opposed to a depilatory cream.  Monkeys tend to fling things and Nair in the eye would probably sting.

In my case, “shaving the monkey” is alluding to the fact that meditation has helped me to clear away all of the excess “noise” from my mind.  It is clearing away the fuzz, allowing me to really see what is underneath.  It’s a bit like the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid); I don’t get as distracted by all of the fluff.

Today was a great test of this newly shaved monkey.  Today was a Major Monday (caps and alliteration required).  I walked back into the classroom after spring break to find info-packed emails from administration, new schedules that required last minute lesson shuffling, panicked and angry emails from parents, and kids who have apparently forgotten everything just two days before state testing begins.  Normally, all of this would have sent me into panic mode trying to meet everyone’s needs at once (while neglecting my own, of course).  Instead, I was able to take a few deep breaths and recognize how much of the stuff was just excess monkey fur.  I picked up my imaginary razor, shaved the extraneous pelt, and was left with a manageable amount to tackle.

I don’t always remember to shave the monkey at the beginning.  In fact, just yesterday, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed.  I was doing the laundry from the camping trip and cooking my lunches for the week (which meant I was managing 1 dish in the oven and 2 on the stovetop), the cat threw up, and my boyfriend wanted me to come in to look at the curtains he had just put up.  It all became too much.  Frazzled, I tore around the kitchen like a dervish, sprinkling pumpkin seeds on the roasting cauliflower, stirring the greens, and prepping the Tupperware.  Suddenly, I stopped.  What was I doing?  This wasn’t an ER; the sweet potatoes would not suffer a cardiac arrest if they sat in their boiling bath a minute too long.  I took a few deep breaths, relaxed, and realized how doable my tasks really were.

I am frequently guilty of making things harder than they really are.  When I was finishing up my workout today (the ultimate in shaved-monkey simplicity: squats, deadlifts, straight legged deadlifts), I saw a lady doing assisted pull-ups.  While wearing a weighted vest.  I chuckled to myself, thinking, “How silly!”  But then, I realized, I often do the same in other areas; I make something harder than it needs to be and then I require assistance of some sort.  Why not just strip it down to the basics to begin with?

I am going to try to keep up with shaving my monkey mind, keeping it clear of all the clutter.  I might even get a bit fancy and style it with a mohawk:)

 

 

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It’s the Little Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s the little things that scare me.

Stop me dead in my tracks, deer in the headlights, protesting, “I can’t” while limbs are locked.

It’s the little things that scare me.

Cause me to question, bring the doubts, the voice of the inferior.

It’s the little things that scare me.

Automatic reaction, reason shut down and out.

It’s the little things that scare me.

But, little by little I’m learning to do those little things.

Open a switchblade, start a fire, pick up the phone.

As I tackle those little things, put them in their place,

I realize that I am bigger than those little things

And they can scare me no more.