lessons from end of marriage

Extend a Hand

Posted on May 9, 2012March 3, 2013 by stilllearning2b

In those first few days and weeks of sudden singlehood, I was angry. I wanted to curse his name in a thousand languages, yet I knew only one. I wanted to create effigies of him and burn them, but our county had posted a burn ban that summer. I wanted to use his mug shot for target practice, but I owned no range weapons.

Bow and Arrows (Photo credit: JennicaLyons)

I realized soon enough that this mindset would not help me in the long run. I turned to the internet, looking for inspiration from people who had been there. Guides through the hellish journey of the end of a marriage.

I was disappointed in what I found. The vast majority of sites were populated with people who were in the early stages. Filled with vitriol and anger, spewing forth their rage across the web. I get it. You cannot heal until you release the pus that poisons the wound. But I wanted to hear from people who had started to scab over. I wanted to know what to expect when the scab fell off. Or how to keep it from becoming infected. Even better, I wanted to know what the scars of divorce would look like and how to help them fade.

Day 121: Scarred (Photo credit: Sarah Mae)

What I found was that people stopped sharing, stopped talking, once their own journey was set and they were out of the overwhelming darkness and confusion that dominates the early stages. That is a shame, for there is much to be learned from those who have traveled the long road and know all its markers.

The most powerful image I have from Tough Mudder is the spontaneous creation of human chains, as people (strangers in most cases), who were just slightly further along on an obstacle, extended a hand to the person behind them. This linkage allowed all to successfully navigate an obstacle that would have been insurmountable alone.

Those of us who are just a little further along on our journey through divorce and trauma can help others by extending a hand.

What Words Were Spoken?

Posted on May 4, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I stumbled across this article this morning and found familiar words. My husband left me a letter than contained many of the same excuses. I think it can be helpful to realize that these words are often not meant to be taken personally, rather they are the platitudes spoken to try to excuse the behavior and pass along the shame and guilt. These are not words to internalize and let fester, rather, these are words to let slide through and let go.

What Cheating Men Really Mean When They Say They’re Leaving | First Wives World.

Men – I would love to hear from you. Are these words similar to those spoken by cheating wives?

We Are More Malleable Than We Realize

Posted on May 3, 2012May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

I was in a gifted pull-out program in middle school. My teacher decided to administer an inventory to determine where each of us fell on a left-brain (analytical, math) / right-brain (creative,language) scale. Someone who was perfectly balanced (do these people exist?) would secure of score of 0. Right-brain folks would be assigned positive numbers, and left-brained, negative. Once we all had our scores, she had us line up along the board in order of our scores, leaving spaces where there were no students with the indicated number. The entire class fit alongside the front of the room, with one boy straddling the door frame of the trailer classroom. I was in the parking lot.

The rest of the class had scores within 10 points of center. I was a 32. A number which screams, “Danger! Danger! This person will not be able to function in adulthood. She will be fully consumed with creative endeavors and will have her head so high in the clouds her feet won’t touch the ground.”

So, as you would expect, I became a math teacher.

Okay, so it wasn’t really that simple. I was born with that extreme right brain and my early childhood nurtured it, as I was encouraged to participate in all sorts of deliciously creative endeavors. Once I entered school, I realized that I would have to change in order to be successful in this new environment (I also had a people-pleaser, perfectionistic streak or I probably would have stayed with the finger paints). I began to adapt. I learned how to exist in a left-brained world. The better I got at it, the more I was drawn to math (after almost failing Algebra II, I might add). It didn’t fully cement until college. The pendulum swung the other way and I fully embraced the world on the other side of that middle school line.

We are more malleable than we ever think we are. We develop mental pictures of ourselves from a very early age, formed by our experiences and our encounters. It is then so easy to live within those confines, to fully buy-in to those early mental constructs. But we don’t have to.

In order to become more malleable, it is first necessary to soften. Just as the thermostat helps the body reach that goal in hot yoga, applying warmth to your life helps to make your brain more malleable. Practice acceptance. Find support. Be still and silence the inner critic. Try to avoid the influence of the cold, as it only serves to make one more brittle. Picture yourself basking in the sun, the heat softening you and allowing you to assume any form you wish, not limited by any prior assumptions.

And, you never know, you just might become a math teacher.

I Was Lucky

Posted on April 29, 2012 by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

Psychology May be a Soft Science, But She Drives a Hard Bargain

Posted on April 27, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I used to think that I could reason my way through anything. I viewed psychology and the other soft sciences with derision, much preferring the absolutes of the harder sciences and mathematics. I thought I could if-then my way through anything, repair any damage with deduction, and apply analytical reasoning to solve any dilemma.

I was wrong.

Psychology may be a soft science, but she drives a hard bargain. She lets her influence be felt, even if her presence is ignored or denied. We can try to avoid her, turning our minds away, but she is still there. Influencing our thoughts, driving our behaviors, pressing on our insecurities. We can pretend as though we are strong enough to not feel her sway, but it is an illusion. In fact, the more she is ignored, the more powerful she becomes. She has the power to destroy, to eat from the inside out. It is best to befriend her, to listen to her and try to understand. Accept her ways and feel her influence. Allow her intuition to soften deduction. Embrace the feelings she shares with your analytical mind. Welcome her and she will only make you stronger, reinforcing reasoning with her gentle touch.

Psychology may drive a hard bargain, but it’s a bargain you’ll want to take.

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