Mutually Exclusive

Posted on by stilllearning2b
mutually exclusive
English: disjoint sets Deutsch: disjunkte Mengen
English: disjoint sets Deutsch: disjunkte Mengen (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a statistics professor during my undergrad who used to constantly tap his temple and utter “Columbo logic” followed by a broad gesture with the arms and the phrase “mutually exclusive,” both uttered in a heavy Indian accent. I never learned what he meant by Columbo logic (luckily it wasn’t on the final) but I did master mutually exclusive events.

In mathematics, two events are considered mutually exclusive if they cannot happen at the same time. The main example  I use when I teach this to my students is the two sides of a coin. It is impossible for a coin to land on heads AND tails at the same time. Don’t worry, I’m not going to teach you a math lesson; I’ve been doing that all day. It just turns out, that like Venn diagrams and marriage, there is a connection here to the real world. (Side note: If you have kids, please do not tell them that math ever applies to the real world. We math teachers try to keep that a secret. Just kidding 🙂 )

Math is simple and elegant; disjoint sets are easy to recognize and have clear and defined boundaries. Life, on the other hand, is messy and complicated. Mutually exclusive events are all around us, but they are not as simple as heads and tails.

There is a tension that can exist in life when we do not recognize two situations as mutually exclusive and we strive to have both. For example, in my life a clean kitchen and my boyfriend being in town are disjoint. As long as he is here, the kitchen will be messy. If I expect something otherwise, I will only become frustrated. Now, since I love my boyfriend more than I love an empty sink and clean counters (okay, okay, this is true on most days!), I choose to have him around and live with the mess.

We can also use mutually exclusive events to our advantage. For example, I know that it is impossible for me to feel overwhelmed when I am on a hike through the woods. So, if I am overwhelmed and time allows, I strap on my hiking boots.

These are some of the events that are mutually exclusive in my life:

Panic and yoga

A plate of veggie nachos and restraint

Anxiety and a long run

A late night out and a Friday during the school year

How about you? What events are mutually exclusive in your life? Perhaps you could apply some Columbo logic. 🙂

 

 

Static Cling

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Vintage Ad #865: Honey, where'd you hide my ot...
Vintage Ad #865: Honey, where’d you hide my other sock? (Photo credit: jbcurio)

 

I came across this article today (Cling Less, Love More) on Psychology Today and found myself startled with realization. I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. Then I read this article. The author talks about the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move.

 

The author contrasts clinging with healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of our control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” I know that this shift is mainly from facing a tsunami and living to tell the tale. Facing your fears has a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

I now have a new perspective and new words for a lesson I have been learning and sharing. I love it when that happens 🙂

 

 

Life’s Odometer

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I received the text just months shy of our tenth anniversary. The divorce process being what it is, the marriage persisted after the ten year mark. The wedding was never the year we marked, however. We always added six to go back to when we started dating. So, by the time it was over, we had been together for sixteen years. That was half of my life.

Odometer
Odometer (Photo credit: trickhips)

It felt like my life odometer had been abruptly and violently forced back to 000000. It was painful, but it was also frustrating. It felt like those were miles wasted on a pointless journey that was aborted before its intended destination. The consistent rolling of the numbers indicating the length of the relationship felt purposeful. They spoke to where we had been and where we were going to go.

When my boyfriend and I reached the six month mark (an important period that frequently delineates casual dating from more serious partnerships), he commented on how long we had been together. I remember scoffing internally. Six months was nothing. I had been with my ex thirty two times that! I didn’t get it yet.

Then, one year came, again commented upon by my boyfriend. I still didn’t get it. I can be a slow learner at times.

It wasn’t until two years when I finally understood. First, due to the magic of ratios, it was now only 1/8 of the time that I spent with my ex. But, more importantly, I viewed my entire life odometer differently. I had been viewing it as the primary and permanent wheel in the center of my console, quietly ticking away through the journeys of my life. I saw the divorce as an assault on the dial, overriding the system.

Then I realized that life is rarely that linear. Our lives are perhaps better marked with trip odometers that are reset to mark the beginning of a new journey. These parallel journeys should not be quantified; the distance is not what adds to the quality. Rather, each trip should be accepted for what it is with the understanding that the odometer can be reset if needed.

I now don’t worry about sixteen years. I don’t compare times together, creating ever-improving ratios. Now, I just roll down the windows and enjoy the ride 🙂

How to Recover from a Broken Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This post on MindBodyGreen goes beyond the usual platitudes to give true insight into the healing process from the end of a relationship. Out of the tips provided, the one that took me the longest to realize was that, regardless of appearances, the pain of a break-up goes both ways. Once I was able to understand that he was in pain as well, I was able to take the first tentative steps towards forgiveness. For those of you still stinging from the pain, I hope that this post brings you some insight and some hope.

How to Recover from a Broken Heart.

Are You a Mental Hoarder?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: Photo of the living room of a compuls...
English: Photo of the living room of a compulsive hoarder (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I saw a promo picture for of those hoarding shows the other day. It showed a woman surrounded by an impossible pile of stuff, trying to look strong, yet you could see the struggle on her face. I did not watch the show, but I gather that she acquired and held onto these items out of fear, that she sees the piles of clothes of objects as some sort of talisman against the evils and discomforts of the world. This may have worked for awhile, but eventually, as the stuff accumulated, so did its power. It now has her trapped, stuck, buried under the weight of that which she refused to let go of.

We see these shows or read these stories and wonder how they let it get so bad. Don’t they realize that the accumulations are smothering them? Don’t they know that many of those items are worthless? Don’t they see the freedom that comes from release. No, they don’t. They are wrapped in a security blanket of stuff that tightens around them like a serpent whispering platitudes into fearful ears.

We see these shows or read these stories and proudly declare that it could never happen to us. We would recognize that slippery slope and halt the accumulation before it grew to epic proportions. What we often fail to realize, however, is that we are guilty of the same behavior within our minds. You may not be surrounded by the tangibles of your past, but can you say the same for your thoughts? Do you let old hurts and pains clutter your mind? Are you buried under the weight of days gone by? Do you hold on to these memories and thinking patterns because you are afraid to let them go?

If you realize that outdated thoughts are cluttering your mind, read my post on Taking Out the Mental Trash to learn how you can begin to release the unneeded clutter so that you can breathe again without the weight of the past holding you down.