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Preventative Medicine
There is one question that I am frequently asked that I find difficult to answer.
“What advice can you give to others to keep this from happening to them?”
I wish I could dispense some nugget of wisdom that would alert to an impending tsunami divorce. I would love to be able to provide a talisman against deception and betrayal. It would be wonderful to give people the security in knowing that if they only said or did certain things that this could not happen to them. I wish I could. But I cannot.
There are no guarantees. The cancer of a compulsive liar can metastasize in even the most visibly healthy relationships. There are no guarantees but there are some signs that something wicked may be coming.
In my case, I had been with my husband since we were 16. I knew his family. I knew his childhood friends. I was with him as he grew into an adult. I saw him through struggles and triumphs. I thought I knew him as well as it is possible to know another. I was wrong. Just because you knew someone does not mean that you know them. It is natural to be more alert at the beginning stages of a relationship and then to slowly settle as you develop a comprehensive picture of who your partner is. It is not healthy or beneficial to remain on that higher state of alert for the long haul but that does not mean that one’s eyes should completely close either. We all change. It is important that your mental construct of your partner be flexible to change as well.
It was different for Amanda, my husband’s other wife. They married within three months of meeting. She had never been to Atlanta, where he lived, nor met any of his friends and family (their wedding had a couple hundred people – all on her side). That would have been a little too awkward since they all knew me as his long-time wife. He told her stories of great sums of money he was to earn from the sale of a company that he owned (actually, it was his friend’s company, not his) while he maxed out her credit cards. He was ready to leave his established life and move to Uganda with her without hesitation.Perhaps it’s just my insider perspective here, but I see huge warning signs that she could have spotted.
I think my answer to prevention can be best thought of by comparing it to physical health.
I would like to never face the ravages of cancer. I read research on the disease to educate myself about its known causes. I work to mitigate those causative factors within my life: I eat well, I exercise, I don’t smoke, etc. However, I do not let the fear of a potential disease prevent me from a day in the sun or enjoying a glass of wine. There is balance between knowledge and preventative medicine and continuing to live. I try to find that sweet spot. Regardless of how healthy I try to be, there is no promise that I will never face malignancy. All I can do is try to lower the risk factors and make sure that I am as healthy as possible in case I do have to fight that battle. And, in the meantime, I’m not wearing armor for a war that may never begin.
Surrender
It is natural to resist.
To struggle.
To put up a fight.
It is natural for us but that does not mean that it always helps us.
I receive a lesson in surrendering twice a day when it is animal feeding time. The cat, Maddy, comes first. She usually is loud and insistent as she tries to lead me to her food dish. She likes to wind in and out of my feet making the journey difficult especially if I have to come down the stairs. She then positions her body over the food dish, making it challenging to pour the kibble around her ready frame. At least once a week, she pushes up against my arm while I am pouring, thus spilling food across the floor. She gets fed, but we all end up frustrated in the process.
The dog, Tiger, is in total contrast to the feline. As soon as I make a move towards his dish, he slides into a prone position with his head down and averts his gaze as I mix his food. He stays in that position until the food is on the floor and he is told “okay.” By surrendering to the process, he (and the rest of the household!) is calm and peaceful while the food is served.
There are certainly times in life when it is appropriate to take up arms and be ready to fight for your rights or those of your loved ones. There are times when pushing through is the only way and surrendering will only leave you trampled in the dust.
But those times are much fewer and far between than we realize. Think of your own life. Do you ever fight for a meal that is coming anyway? Do you protest even when others are moving to your aide? Do you inadvertently trip those around you or block what you desire?
I know I do.
I have a tendency to see surrendering as a weakness, a sign of giving up and giving in. I fight, not against any real adversary, but for control. The desire for the illusion of control is what holds us back from acceptance. It is a fruitless fight, that battle for control. You may as well be in a brawl with a ghost, struggling to hold tight to an apparition. There is power in surrender. It shows that you are strong enough to let go of control and trust that you will remain standing nonetheless. There is peace in surrender as the pointless clash is let go. Learn when to trade in your sword for a white flag and yield to that which causes you struggle.
Luckily feeding time comes twice a day so that I can remember the value in surrendering. And the fact that cats are not very trainable.
Related articles
- SURRENDER. To yield something to the possession or power of another…….. (askinsaneelaine.com)
- Pass the Peace Please (deepercravings.com)
- Surrender (darkjade68.wordpress.com)
- The Illusion of Control (thinksimplenow.com)
- Be a Hot Mess (hwchannel.wordpress.com)
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One Step at a Time
I mentioned a while back that I signed up for my first (and most likely only!) marathon this fall. My official training began a few weeks ago, but I am just now at the place where I have to plan to run more frequently and/or longer than I normally would in my non-marathon days. Last week I ran my furthest distance to date – 16 miles. Those kind of distances give me a LOT of time to think (and compose new book ideas, as in the case of last week’s run 🙂 ). I have been realizing that there are similarities between training for a marathon (or any distance that pushes you) and the process of taking a romantic relationship from a more casual place to one that is more committed and long-term, something which I have experienced in the past 2 1/2 years.
Baby Steps
With running, it is recommended that you only increase your mileage by 10% each week (or each run if you’re just starting out). When I started running five years ago, I neglected this advice. I was already in good shape and so I thought I would run as far as I could in any given session. This worked fine for a few weeks, but then I was sidelined with overuse injuries (mainly plantar fasciitis) for months. It was too much, too soon, and my body did not have time to adapt. It felt great at the moment, but was detrimental in the long run. I now know to be more conservative and I monitor my weekly mileage carefully.
This same strategy applies to relationships. It is so easy to get carried away in those early, heady days of new love. You want it all and you want now. Frequently, it is too much, too soon and the emotional equivalent of overuse injuries occur when it becomes apparent that the relationship moved too quickly for adaptation to occur. When I first started dating again, I found that I moved too quickly. It resulted in flash and burn as the momentum overtook any real bond. With my current beau, we moved slowly, taking our time moving through casual dating to more serious, to commitment. We spent time at each stage, acclimating to each other and learning how to be at that place. It allowed us both to become comfortable before we made changes.
It can be so easy to let enthusiasm propel you to take on more than you are ready for. Baby steps allow you to move towards what you want in a deliberate fashion, allowing you to adapt in a natural way.
It’s a Mental Game
Until last week, the longest I had ever run was 15 miles. That was my barrier for almost 2 years. Obviously, if I can run 15 miles physically, I can also run 16 or more. It was a mental barrier. I decided to sneak up on my fear. I programmed my iPod for 12 miles, but allowed a small voice to convince me to try more if I felt okay. I reached the 6 mile mark and decided to push for 2 more miles before I turned around. This meant that I had to cover 16 miles just to get back to the car. I completed the run with no problems and, more importantly, broke through that fear that kept me limited.
Fear also holds us back in relationships. We are scared to commit to the long haul. Afraid to try in case we fail. We form mental barriers that hold us in. Sometimes, it is best to not think too much about is around the corner. Commit to the now and try to release the fear about what will be. If you’re in “mile 1” of a relationship, keep the finish line in mind but don’t worry yet about the hills in “mile 10.”
The Little Things Grow
Living in the South, carrying water on longer runs is a necessity. I have a Nathan’s duel water belt that I have used successfully for the last couple years. Successfully, that it, until last week. It turns out that those two water bottles, which are perfectly fine for runs that are 12 miles and under, cause severe back pain and bruising on longer treks. When I gear up for a long run, I have to be very careful about seams that may rub or laces tied too tightly. Those little annoyances that are not critical in the short term become magnified as time progresses.
The little things in relationships also seem to grow as time moves on. The characteristics (both positive and negative) that you notice on the first few dates will only become more noticeable as the relationship progresses. Plan carefully at the outset and be mindful of the details to help avoid chafing down the road.
Preparation is Key
Sometimes, I neglect to prepare myself for a run. I might head out without enough pre-hydration. Maybe I haven’t visited my foam roller or I skipped my yoga class. At times, I forget to charge my iPod. When I fail to prepare for a run, I end up with a workout that is less than satisfactory. In contrast, when I think about the result I want and I make preparations for that outcome, I end up with a better experience and I accomplish or at least get close to my goals.
I also had to prepare to be in a relationship. After a sudden divorce, I had quite a bit of personal work to do before I could expect for a relationship to be successful. I needed to take time to work through my anger and sadness and I needed to address my underlying fears and anxieties. Think about what you want in a relationship and then look at what you need to do yourself to prepare for that reality.
Required Fuel
One of the trickiest aspects of running longer distances is learning to manage your fuel needs. There are hundreds of products and thousands of recommendations on how and when to eat on a run. Ultimately, all that matters is what works for your body. Regardless of the product and timing, most people have to refuel on a regular basis throughout a run or they simply cannot go any further.
In a relationship, fuel is obviously not Gu and Gatorade, but is the way that the relationship is fed and invigorated. This can be through touch, kind words, notes, rituals, etc. Just like with running, fuel will be different for each person. As Dr. Chapman highlighted in The 5 Love Languages, it is important to find out what fuel meets your partner’s needs. It is necessary to keep the relationship fueled if it is to continue for the long run.
Marathons and relationships take work. They don’t just happen. You have to want it and make choices that will support your dream.
Happy running and happy loving:)
Related articles
- Love Is A Marathon, Not A Sprint (mothermaryswords.wordpress.com)
- Getting From Here to There: Facing the Fear of the Transition (projectwhitespace.com)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 